romance

[Because it's was my birthday, and because I'm refinishing cabinets and I started a new job, I'm recycling an oldie. If you remember this post, congratulations. You're two years older and still like reading pointless stuff on the INTERNETS.]

I’m currently babysitting my best friend’s 6 month old.  Yes, the same best friend who pumps breast milk in my car and leaves it in my fridge, okay?  This is the first 10 minutes I’ve had all day and I find myself exhausted on the couch, drinking coffee that I poured five hours ago, and watching an Oprah special on loveless marriages.  Somehow I feel that I’ve just been given a glimpse into my life in about five fifteen twenty years.  I’m sorry, will you excuse me while I wipe the squash residue off my glasses?

Ok, I’m back. As you can deduce from its title – this blog ends with us pondering matters of Destiny, but first, it’s going to stop at the gas station and pick up some snacks while we avoid the subject.

Somewhere around 2am last night I was like, what the crap?  So I proceeded to pop in one of my all time favorite movies: Only You.  Stop scratching your head –  you’ve never seen it.  And if you have, you wrote it off within the first 5 mins or as soon as Marisa Tomei said, “He’d kill tigers for you.”  And you’d be justified. But I love it to pieces and that is just something you’ll have to live with. 

The reasons why I love this movie out number the reasons why I hate Neil Diamond. And no, it’s not just Robert Downey, Jr. speaking Italian. Or the runaway bride fiasco. Or Marisa Tomei. No, definitely not her. In fact, just ignore her the entire movie.  The main reason is because it is set in Italy, for which my obsession grew exponentially when I actually visited.  Unfortunately, Paris Guy also tagged along with his bad attitude and almost, almost ruined the trip.  Then my camera broke right in front of the Colosseum and that’s what actually ruined my trip. 

Needless to say, I cannot express the beauty of this land. It’s magical. And I never use that gross word. Not only the scenery, but the people.  It’s a place where people actually care about something more than money.  They enjoy life.  They can’t understand you, but they’ll laugh with you and hand you some gelato.  Or a plate of pasta.  Go as quickly as you can.  It IS as beautiful as it looks. It WILL change your life.  And I PROMISE to stop talking about Italy now.

Anyway, I’ve never been a gooey person.  Shocker. I can’t even accept a compliment on my hair much less someone telling me that they can’t live without me. I hate receiving flowers or any other impractical gift that dies or has an expiration date; I would never dance in the middle of a street; I don’t want a fairytale wedding, and I certainly don’t celebrate “anniversaries,” whether they be actual legitimate yearly milestones or fake excuses to go out to eat, like, say, 7 months.

Although Only You may be a chic flick, the sheer beauty is that it actually makes fun of the concept of “destiny” and preconceived ideas that there is one true soulmate for everyone.  Because would I watch it if it didn’t?  Absolutely not.  I think when I was younger, I believed that your whole life was a search for “your other half,”  and now, I believe you could be happy with any number of people.  Just in a different way.  I’m not sure which conclusion is the right one, and I have a feeling I never will.

However, there are exceptions to every rule. 

And this is my exception:  if I should ever find myself strolling along a rainy, cobblestoney, Italian street, while being serenaded by a gray-haired African-American (note: he HAS to be African-American for this scenario to work) playing the saxophone, while talking to a charming and dangerously witty brunette who was able to quote Goethe  - I just might dance in the middle of the street.  Under the right circumstances, anything is possible.

If you’d like to witness this exact scenario, please skip ahead to 1:35.  If not, please watch the entire thing anyway. 

Only by joy and sorrow does a person know anything about themselves and their destiny.   

 - Goethe.

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Valentine’s Day Is About As Cool As Ke$ha

Confessions February 14, 2011
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I just had to check in and see how you are surviving the Empire State Building of Lame Holidays thus far? Me? Eh. Let’s see here. What could I possibly say or do that might lift your spirits on such a dreadful day? Oh, I know, I know!!!!! 1. Make a list of things I [...]

41 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

About As Much As I Love Geraldo Rivera’s Mustache

Confessions June 12, 2010
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That girl. The one whose overly pushy, Sicilian boyfriend was able to convince her that entering a beauty pageant, despite the fact she was allergic to hair spray, 4-inch heels, up-dos and beauty pageants, would be a super awesome way to get scholarship money for her overpriced private college education. The one with absolutely no rhythm or hand-eye coordination, who [...]

23 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Marriage: This Is What It Boils Down To

Family Matters June 9, 2010
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Dad: I got serious heartburn from that strawberry shortcake.  It was the milk. Mom: Milk? I’d blame it on the strawberries. They’re so acidic. Dad: Milk contains lactic acid. Don’t ever forget it. Mom: Well I should buy lactose free milk then. Dad: You did. You were buying that Soy Milk, but then you said it was [...]

27 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

An Ode To Park Benches And Passion

Confessions May 6, 2010
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“The Greeks didn’t write obituaries. When a man died, they asked only one question: did he have passion?” I help take care of this elderly man named Allen. He can’t remember what happened five minutes ago, but he can give you a play by play of everything that happened during his time in WWII. Sadly, [...]

17 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

More Things I Hate: Valentine’s Day, Racists And Adult Acne

Confessions February 15, 2010
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Really? Did I just have to throw around the “R” word to get your attention? That’s sad. Sad because I have been gone for so long that I feel like I have to throw a dramatic title at you in order to peak your interest, and sad because that just might be true. Well, joke is on you [...]

37 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Open Letter: How Can We Break Up Without Me Having To Tell You?

Confessions November 15, 2009
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[My mother unearthed several boxes of letters from my childhood. I have no clue why they were saved, but what's mine is yours. And if there is one thing more ridiculous than my current life, it would have to be all the time leading up to my current life.  Hence, I started writing about these [...]

32 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

So I Fell Asleep In A Few Bible Classes

Relationships November 4, 2009
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“The magic of first love is our ignorance that it will never end.” You know I thought boys had cooties til I was about 17, right?  Up until that point, I viewed them only as despicable creatures sent to this earth as God’s punishment to Eve. It’s possible I fell asleep in a few Bible [...]

40 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Here’s The Thing About Men

Confessions May 21, 2009
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So I had a crush.  A big one.  I remember, it was third grade… and it was bad. To keep things easy and confidential we’ll call him Norm.  Not to imply, by any means, that this young lad was normal… because he was not. This is also not to imply that he was anything special… because [...]

44 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Where Beer Flows Like Boxed Wine

Confessions April 23, 2009
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It’s no wonder I don’t make any sense. I’m a combination of two polar opposites, who by all rights, should never have met much less married.   My mother came from a Nazi-strict household where she wasn’t allowed to see movies or go to football games, for fear she would encounter Satan himself. She also wasn’t allowed to celebrate Christmas which explains why [...]

56 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery