I’d Rather Go Naked Than Wear Sunscreen

I’m the only person in the world who used to like the Sunscreen Song back in my high school days.   You know what I’m talking about… the one where Baz Leuhrman reads profound advice from a ’99 valedictorian speech, accompanied by “Ooo’s” from the all boys choir in the background?  The song ends with “trust me on the sunscreen”… and it’s possible that truer words were never spoken.

Although I might have listened to that song repeatedly on my Walkman for upwards of six months, or until the batteries died and I discovered that the ones in the remote were also dead, it doesn’t appear that this sage advice has fully sunk in yet.  Or maybe I’m just a rebel. Or maybe I’m a really bad listener. Or maybe your mom should make me some enchilladas. Who knows.  But as soon as there’s the slightest inkling of sunshine, I’m slathered in the nearest oil and frying like a chicken.  I’m not quite as bad as my mother, who used to cover herself in Crisco and lay on sheets of tin foil, but I’ll venture to say that I’m definitely breaking a few rules.

Me: Hey, I have this mole on my leg.  It doesn’t look like anything serious, but my aunt and my grandma have both had skin cancer so I was wondering if you could check it out?

Dermatologist:  Yes, I can check that out.  Have you been covering yourself and staying out of the sun?  You look very tan.

Me:  [smiling sheepishly] Oh, well, thank you.

Dermatologist:  That wasn’t a compliment.  You won’t be laughing when I do one of those skin damage scans on your face.

Me:  Well, it’s impossible for me to stay out of the sun, but I do wear sunscreen.  My job requires me to spend quite a bit of time outdoors.

Dermatologist:  Well, it says here that you work at a bank.  Isn’t that mostly an indoor job?

Me:  OH, that needs to be updated.  I’m actually a Park Ranger now.  I work at the Forest Preserve.

Dermatologist:  Hmm, really? I can’t picture you doing something like that.

Me:  What’s that supposed to mean?  Do I seem high maintenance?

Dermatologist:  Well, you were just complaining a minute ago about how you hated exercise, and that’s an active job.

Me:  What do you have superhero memory powers? Fine.  I lied. I do that sometimes.  I’m a lifeguard.

Dermatologist:   Oh really, that’s cool.  Where at?

Me:  At this pool…

Dermatologist:  Is this another lie?

Me:  Anything’s possible.

Dermatologist:  Seriously though, this isn’t a joke.  You’ve got to listen to what I’m saying.  And you have to be honest with me about your health.

Me:  OKAY ALREADY!   Listen you pasty freak, I’m not a mother trucking lifeguard. I’m not a park ranger.  I don’t even know where the parks are. I’m a writer, and I don’t even go outside to get the mail.  But when the sun comes out, I emerge from my cave and stretch across my patio like a bronzed goddess, okay?  And you know what, I don’t wear sunscreen.  In fact, I’ve never even tried it.  Double in fact, I don’t ever want to.  Triple in fact, I actually wear oil that makes me burn worse than if I was just regularly burning.

Dermatologist:  You’ve never even tried it..  but I gave you a whole bottle for free?

Me: And my father sends his regards.


Dear Matthew McConaughey,

Dear Rickety Old Lady,

Anatomy of a Creeptown

What Women Really Want

42 thoughts on “I’d Rather Go Naked Than Wear Sunscreen

  1. Haaaaa, get a low SPF or something. I usually have to opt for SPF 70, but somehow I still tan. And I’ve become obsessed with being glowy and tanned. Some refer to us as “tanorexic.” They’ll never understand.

    • candice. we are tanorexic together. among other things. yea, i won’t tan if i use it cus my skin is already kind of darker toned… i’m not your usual white person, so the sunblock just can’t be used.

  2. LOL…..
    yeah well….I read that sun block only works if you put it on 15 min or more before you go out side. If it is (first) applied when you get to the beach, pool, out on your deck, etc., most people will burn unprotected in the first half hour. I also was told by my dermatologist that most people lay out much longer than the block they are using will accommodate….and so they fry / burn. And those that feel they are safe because they didn’t get a noticeable sunburn have in fact damaged their skin…..underlying layers as well as outer. So as I see it…..sunscreen is just another crappy useless stinky sticky smelly product that we shell out way too much money on.
    And besides…..tomorrow we could be standing in the parking lot of Tasty Freeze, eating our ice cream cone and WACK!…..be flattened by the delivery truck.

  3. Lucky for me I was born with a little natural sunscreen (I’m black!), although the paranoia I live my life in still causes me to wear it every time I’ll be outside for more than 20 minutes at least I don’t feel like I’m gonna die if I forget. And, I put it on my dudes religiously b/c I would feel like a huge d-bag if one day the got skin cancer and it was my fault. Anyway, just had to say I love your site and I’m so glad I clicked on you from SITS:)

    • parenting – well, i’m not so lucky as to be black, okay!? way to rub it in. thanks for stopping by!!

      jen- haha. thats hilarious. what was it with moms back in those days?!? and the funny thing is my mo is 62 and has like, zero wrinkles. … so i’m just counting on good jeans, or i’m screwed.

      enna – the couple times i tried to use fake tanner… oh yea, i looked like a pumpkin that was crying.

  4. You should perpetually live in the 70’s with the Wonder Woman outfit and complete lack of sun protection. My mother too would lay out for hours on end slathered with oil like a T-Bone steak roasting on the grill. This was after she lost 50 pounds starving herself and living off of Tab and Sweet N Low dosed black coffee. Such a great time for taking care of oneself.

  5. I use the SPF 45 tanning mostuzier. I have tanning “mits” for just this occation, which weirds out Eric to no end. I also leave large orange hand prints around the house. I totally forgot where I was going with this…

  6. Baby oil & iodine…….Crisco…..aluminum foil…….laying out on your black roof…..hosing yourself down with water.

    Ah, yes, I remeber it well. (And I looked so dam hot in my 4″ Candies, hot pants & tube tops…..ask mom, she’ll know what I’m talking about!)
    It’s been so long since I went without sunscreen, I forgot how to be a rebel there for a minute!

    • zelzee- iodine… wow. you were hardcore.

      bearman- i’m going to venture to say that you liked it.

      welchva – welcome! #70… wow. i take that back from zelzee, you ARE hardcore… thanks for stopping by!

  7. Well, at least it was a rear shot of Steve-O. If this site starts veering down the dangerous road of gay porn, it may become difficult to visit. Plus I’ll need to start scrubbing down my hard drive cache in regular intervals.

    If I don’t wear sunscreen, I’ll roast like Betty Shabazz … which is a head-scratcher, since my blood is 100% Mediterranean. You’d think I grew up in some Alps lodge with lederhosen and one of those bourbon toting Saint Bernards.

    But damn, I hate that greasy feel of lotion anywhere on my body. I’d rather chafe than use it.

    • mvd- you are very peculiar. 100% mediterranean… well that was no surprise.. but thats too bad you burn, this is just one more thing to add to your peculiarness…seriously, that sunblock stuff is waaaay too greasy. and then sometimes it starts like flaking off. sick.

      skye- tomatoes… sigh. i hate tomatoes. which is a bit of a contradiction considering my italian blood. mvd and i are in the same category apparently. i eat tomato sauce? does that count? oh, and TONS of fruit. i think thats what saved my mom, cus she has no wrinkles.

  8. Ahhh girl, no worries, at the first sign of sun I’m out there tanning without sunscreen too! Here’s what you do though, eat lots of nice bright red tomatoes, raw preferably. They’re high in certain vitamins and minerals that help your body develop it’s own protection from the sun (something doctor’s won’t tell you EVER!). People need to be out in the sun so that their body’s can produce the Vitamin D that is so incredibly necessary. Not only do tomatoes help to prevent getting burned, they also help in turning the suns rays into said Vit D. So eat up them raw tomatoes and enjoy the sun!

  9. I hate sunscreen, lotion, or anything that’s greasy, sticks to (coats) the skin, and makes me feel unbearably hot. My wife is a lotion-addict and she’s always greasing up (and not for my benefit either).

    I understand the necessity for such products, but I just can’t stand ’em. I’d much rather showcase my white-out tattoos (I’m very creative with ashy skin) than to go around feeling like I’ve been bathed in cooking oil.

    • george- haha. white out tatoos.

      brandon -it does brandon. i usually never burn, unless i’ve gone allllll winter without any sun or tanning then sit out for an entire day or soemthing. but generally, i just get nice and golden. but i’m pretty sure, thats still not exactly good. park ranger? yea, thats almost like, the funniest thing i’ve ever heard. can you see me in that ridiculous hat and those man shorts?

  10. I would think the Italian in you would allow you to tan well without worrying about destroying your skin… but apparently you take it to a new level and just bake the hell out of yourself.

    I could really see you being a park ranger though. You just seem like the outdoorsy type.

  11. I never wear sunscreen either. Except for on my nose. If I’m out in the sun for more than an hour without it on my nose … I start to look like an old “wino”.

    • kreg – i appreciate that look on a man

      theresa- your math skills amaze me. i could never come up with such a complex solution

      susi – well, i’m glad your mom did things like make you wear sunscreen. mine didn’t even bother teaching me to wear my seatbelt. the only thing she did is teach me how to be paranoid about everything that will never happen.

  12. Ugh! I like tanning, but I hate tan lines. My uniform is a polo shirt and I work outside, so I always get that farmers tan 3/4 the way up my arm. Maybe I should use 10% on the lower 3/4 and suntan oil on the top 1/4?

    P.s love the pic. Nice…

  13. tsk tsk tsk blunty… our ad logan for sunscreen was “slip slop slap” … take that as you will… practice it how you see fit..though it mean slip on a shirt, slop on sunscreen and slap on a hat (which would not help your tanning needs)… anyway.. I have grown on using sunscreen though not as regularly as I should.

    We can only get SPF 30 here so whenever im in north america I stock on my SPF 50.. i read someone here said theres an SPF 70!??? i gotta get me some of that next time!

    Now my only other nanna-motherly-squarebear advice is that u should be careful… or you will end up looking like the Aunt from Something About Mary.. remember that one?

  14. I honestly don’t know if cooked tomatoes aka tomato sauce has the same effect as raw. I do know that when I was a kid, I used to eat tomatoes almost every day in summer, and I never burned. Now I don’t eat so many and I actually burn a bit before I tan.

  15. Ha ha..never heard that song before.
    but loved your comment on SITS..so i had to check out your blog..and i’m so glad i did.

  16. my minority half just comes out in the sun. i know i should do better but sometimes i just figure i’ll be dead soon enough due to some other ball of fire than the cursed sun.

  17. my minority branding just makes me more tanned in the summer. i don’t usually burn too bad if i don’t go bake myself all day. then i figure i’ll be dead due to driving a flaming car off a cliff before the sun ever really gets to me. i’m banking of safe things these days.

  18. Ahhh I remember the baby oil days! Now I’m the freaky lady under the tree with the wide brimmed hat and zinc on my nose! Sun damage, skin cancer … all of these things hit far too close to home for me!

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  20. I just finished typing a comment and I accidentally closed the window. Dammit, I hate when I do that. LOL.

    Anyway, I was saying that I stopped by to read the rest of the comments on this post and see how your weekend was.

    Oh, and I like the new site design. Very cool.

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