Dear Midwest, Without You I’d Be Famous

You know your hair is too long when you have to start using conditioner meant for a horse.  Gees, people.  I’m just saying.  But on a side note, it works rather nicely.  So I’ve heard.


People always ask me, actually they harshly criticize and often yell at me, for the fact that I’ve never moved out of this God-forsaken craphole of a town. For those of you who don’t know, I live in a suburb outside of Chicago, where nearly everyone is a loser with zero motivation or aspirations in life.  So when I put it that way, I guess I can see their point.

Friend:  But you could be a big time writer in New York and travel the world.

Me: I’ve already traveled everywhere I want to go in the world.  And New York has too many rats.  And snobs.  And pricey food that comes on a giant platter but is the size of what I can only consider, a midget snack of sorts.

Friend:  But you could move to L.A. and write for tv shows and movies.

Me: I’m brunette, no one would take me seriously in L.A.  Besides, I can’t deal with the fakeness.  I would call everyone out and then they would hate me.  And then I’d run home to my lonely, roach-infested apartment, where I’d cry big, fat elephant tears and eat myself ugly. 

Friend: But you could move to the downtown and work for the Tribune.

Me:  I hate the news.  It’s depressing.  Plus, I probably wouldn’t get by with throwing in sarcastic comments when I was writing about the Korean missile crisis.  That job would blow chunks.  Give me a break, I’d never move to any of those places.  Seattle.  Now there’s a place I wouldn’t mind moving.

Friend:  You know that Grey’s Anatomy isn’t actually filmed in Seattle right?  So you wouldn’t be meeting McDreamy, or McSteamy, or any of the Mc’s?

So could all these people be partially right? Perhaps.  Is it true I want to continue my writing career on a larger scale? Mmm hmm.  Is it possible for me to accomplish all my dreams living here?  Heal no.  So what on earth could possibly keep me sandwiched here in the middle of the country, suffocating for air, slowly dying from lack of culture and white-trashy influences, you ask

Is it the ice-cold winters, which seem to get longer with every passing year, that make me contemplate roasting my own dog [or I guess my neighbor’s cus I don’t have one] over a rotisserie just so that I won’t have to leave my house for food?  Not exactly.  It’s much more complex than that.  But when isn’t it?

The other day, I was bronzing myself on the back porch, as the landscapers were mowing my yard.  I arose from my position to make sure I was decent as they were mowing right in front of me.  The last thing I need is a sweaty, landscaper-stalker.  But on a serious note, could they possibly point that grass blower thingy in another direction?   Then as I was gazing at all my patches of dead grass, a thunderbolt of realization occurred to me.  Um, why can I see those?  Where is the tangled pile of hose that has been laying in my backyard and covering the dead grass since I moved in?  Wait a minute. THESE PERVERTS STOLE MY HOSE! @#$!  And now they’re blowing grass at me.  What the?

As it turns out, my father had slithered outside at some point and drilled a bracket into the side of my house and wrapped the hose nicely around it.  BONUS: he was smart enough not to install one of those plastic roller pieces of crap that break after two seconds, which would result in a lifetime of frustration and ultimately, the death of more grass.  EXTRA BONUS:  He planted grass seed.

Folks, I’m sorry, but with quality service like this, the Midwest has a hold on me. 

42 thoughts on “Dear Midwest, Without You I’d Be Famous

  1. Hey, better that they stole your hose and were blowing grass at you than if they’d stolen your grass and blown your hose . . . wait, that doesn’t sound right.

    Anyway, glad it all worked out, and hope the Midwest keeps treating you right.

  2. Aw shucks, having your dad doing things for you, and having a landscaper are better reasons for staying in your godforsaken craphole of a town than mine are! My reason for staying, I’m sick of moving!

  3. When your dad “slithered in,” he should’ve warned you about drinking from a garden hose. I’m really hoping the nozzle wasn’t in your mouth in that photo, or you’ll be blogging from an E.coli clinic, and horse shampoo will be the least of your problems. Don’t you have an indoor tap?

    On a plus note, it’s nice of your landscaper-stalker to send you the pic he snapped from his cell phone.

    New York is expensive as f**k. But we’re more genuine than the left coasters. And sarcasm works quite well here.

  4. bearman – precisely. although my adventures with the crazies in LA would be nothing short of amazing entertainment

    skye- yea. my parents are the bomb. i don’t think i’d ever leave them behind.

    still hating- i do what i can.

  5. theresa- its pretty good, i’m serious.

    mvd – i’m pretty sure mid-westerners are the most down to earth of all the locations. thats why i like it here. plus, i like being in the middle of the country – nothing to disasterish ever happens.

    and no, i wasn’t drinking, i was hugging it in gratitude.

  6. I’m in PA right off the lake, so I know what you mean about winters!!! We get all excited and try to break the snowfall record every year. (How stupid are we???)

    Dad’s will keep us grounded……….They are the best!

  7. Dads are awesome! I moved away from mine a year and a half ago and if I knew how much it was gonna cost me to actually pay someone to do my car maintenance I might have reconsidered.

  8. “chris. whoa… PG ears on this blog.”

    Mauger, go strap on the dunce cap and sit in the corner facing the wall. Ya damn filthy animal.

  9. tub – isn’t that the truth? my dad patched a HOLE that was in the hood of my car from a road sign that fell on it. Straight up just fixed it. with some fiberglass crap. i mean, thats priceless.

    mvd- thank you. that chris needs a stern warning. he’s such a bastard sometimes

  10. First of all, owning two horses, I know a bit about taking care of flowing manes and tails. Don’t even think about buying that “Mane and Tail” crap. Second, I agree with you about languishing in the strip mall infested suburban landscapes of flyover country. Living outside of Minneapolis is like hanging with Chicago’s downtrodden little brother. But, the people are wonderful and the quality of life great. I just make a point to escape from time to time in order to maintain some semblance of sanity.

  11. I lived in your town (won’t reveal the name)and kinda liked it…but then, I was very young and didn’t know better. Seriously, though, midwesterners are salt of the earth people. I always say the midwest is a great place to be FROM–but not necessarily IN. Why don’t you consider Tucson? No more harsh winters, great scenery, laid back attitude, a large artistic community…I’ll even put you up for a while until you get your bearings…CUZ I’M JUST THAT KINDA GUY!

  12. jen – really? i thought it worked okay. i need some serious conditioner for this hot mess though. And yes, I go to chicago quite often… i need civilization every now and then. and I travel alot too.

    tim – you lived HERE? are you sure? hmmm… did we know eachother? ahhh! who are you!?

    I agree. it IS a good place to be FROM. I can’t have christmas without snow. sorry, arizona

  13. I love the makeover. Took me a while to get into the groove (i.e., find your latest post) but I think I’ve got it now.

    Love the part about the cheap plastic hose bracket. I have lived that torture; you get what you pay for. You have one smart papa there.

    Small towns provide so much more material, right?

  14. I’m just giving you a hard time. The Mane and Tail stuff is fine. I have found an amazing conditioner for the horses’ tails. It’s called Vetrolin Conditioner and you can get it on-line. I am the resource for all things horse related.

  15. kristin- never been to lanford. but…does it have nothing but strip malls and chain restaurants and people who amount to nothing??

    mama – thanks!!! yes, i got a little bit restless. that will probably be my next post. hah. and yes, i can’t ever leave here soley based on the blog material.

    jen – good to know. i will seek you out for all my horsey needs

  16. Move to St. John’s! My city has a street with 50 pubs back to back. It’s pretty much the highlight of the entire province. What does horse shampoo smell like?

  17. Thanks for the shoutout!

    You are one seriously funny woman. If I ever get divorced, grow back my hair, become 20 years younger, and inherit a fortune, will you marry me?

  18. First off….I’d just like to say that I like the new look. It’s so bright and colorful. Then again, gee….just as I thought I had come to know / understand you, you go and get all Martha Stewart.
    And as for this post….
    Having lived half my life in the Midwest and the other half everywhere else, I’ve seen little difference, very little difference, in people everywhere. Seams everywhere I’ve lived you’ve got your mean, your ugly, your insincere, your stupid as sh*t, your stinky and lest we not forget, your crappie drivers. All this with a tad of sincerely nice sprinkled here and there. But I must say, a nice green lawn does make it all worth the while. Oh and let’s not forget those changing seasons. Just as you have had it with the one, up pops another….ready to put a whole new twist on things.
    Have yourself a beautiful green sun baking day.

    • robin – i agree. i couldn’t live anywhere without the change of seasons. i mean, how bored would i get..? hello, i just wrote a post called “restless heart” – and how could i have winter wtihout snow? what the?

  19. Well I’m from Seattle and I love it there. You’re pretty hilarious. I also need conditioner for a horse tail, I often get that comment on my hair too. Happy Birthday. Found you on SITS in case you were wondering what weirdo out of nowhere is leaving comments on your blog :)

  20. First of all, I’m glad to read a girl’s blog whose mentality is close to my own. Nice. I think I found you from a funny comment you posted on another random blog site. So thanks for being funny. And like me.

    • christina- thanks!!! yea that would suck. hardcore. or actually no, i would luuurve it since i hate being recognized and celebrated. i mean, what did i do? nothing.

      linlah – haha. why gracias.

      george – thanks !!! haha your wife should be so lucky. eer, something.

      kreg- WOW. that was truly… um. nevermind, you’re ridiculous. thats why we’re blogging friends. amen.

  21. The midwest sucks so bad. People say, you’re so lucky for leaving and saving yourself, I wish I could. You can people, everyone has excuses. I just quit my job, packed up my rig and went for it and I love it… I’m out in Hood River, OR livin the good life.

    Come on out… your wierdness would be embraced, especially in Portland. Taker sleazy.

    • UGH. ginny. you have NO IDEA how much i would move to seattle. but it truly is the parental units that keep me here. at least until they are around, i will remain in the dear freezing midwest.

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