Two weeks ago, you entered my home with all of the optimism of Christmas morning. But lately, I feel like we’re at odds. I can’t exactly put my finger on it, but the other night your eyes looked a bit more angry than normal. And I sensed a hinge of animosity in your voice as I [...]

You know your hair is too long when you have to start using conditioner meant for a horse.  Gees, people.  I’m just saying.  But on a side note, it works rather nicely.  So I’ve heard. People always ask me, actually they harshly criticize and often yell at me, for the fact that I’ve never moved out of this God-forsaken craphole [...]

 Why dost thou continue to sabotage me?  Here I always thought you were on my side.  For the first time in my miserable, out-of-shape existence, I’m trying to do something about it.  This week, I turned a new leaf.  Whitestrips, here I come.  Jogging, here I come.  Well… I’m not really sure what whitestrips had to [...]

Dear Matthew McConaughey, Can you make a different movie already?  Wait.  What was that?  OH, you can’t.  It’s physically impossible?  Okay.  So I can just expect the same movie with the same plot, where you discover you were some sort of “bet,” and then you get fake mad, and then storm out, only to read an article that [...]

Much in the same way a late night infomercial can mesmerize even the most disenchanted observer, I am about to mesmerize you with my savvy knowledge of life and relationships. Only one more day until you are free from your past.  It’s time to grab hold of your future and ride it into the sunset.  [...]