It’s really too bad, you know? I had a decent shot at being normal. My childhood had all the ingredients to cook up a perfectly functional adult woman. I spent my days running a successful lemonade stand on our dead end street, eating Leave It To Beaver family dinners, and following my dad around in sweet overhauls. Growing up, I never had self-confidence issues, or body-dysmorphic disorder, or the desire to be a promiscuous teen, or to cut myself, or to run away, or to be a rebellious troublesome child. But then, later on, I had to start interacting with things other than caterpillars and sheep [blog soon to follow]…and more unfortunately, men.
That being said, I did some cleaning today and think I’ve figured out what my problems are after analyzing a few sections of my house. I encourage you to do the same, because you’ll never believe what your freezer could reveal about you.
A. The Freezer:
1. I’m a cheap bastard with no self control, who will throw away the last three [and only] weeks of working out at the first sight of a 5/$10 Edys ice cream sale.
2. I’m lazy. I’ve been eating Eggo waffles since 8th grade. I mean, how long does it take to pour milk onto cereal? Apparently time that I am not willing to give up. This also further proves point #1 under section B – I don’t like change. What if I get something different and it sucks? That is a fate I’m not ready to accept. Also, you’ll notice that my ice has formed into an indestructible mountain because I couldn’t be bothered to use any since my Christmas party last year.
3. I’m stupid. I believe that getting the “herb roasted chicken” TV dinner will somehow balance out the fact that I just polished off 5,325 grams of sodium… and most likely that bag of buffalo fries.
4. I am “Type A.” I have a bag of industrial size pre-cooked mini Italian meatballs on the off chance I need to attend a work potluck and forgot to pick something up. Except I haven’t had a real job since November.
B. The Closet:
1. I don’t like change, nor do I make any attempts to accept it. Now, please draw your attention to the circled column of sweaters in my closet for a brief illustration. These are not only all V-neck sweaters, but they are all from Express.. and they are all the exact same style.
2. The left column is entirely made up of turtlenecks, which tells me I’m not only constantly freezing – but come wintertime I turn into a bit of a prude.
I’m not exactly sure where my commitment-phobia stems from or the fact that I keep my blinds permanently shut, but I have more cleaning to do so there’s still hope that I’ll discover the answers.