Problems? Why Yes, I Can Provide Those

It’s really too bad,  you know? I had a decent shot at being normal.  My childhood had all the ingredients to cook up a perfectly functional adult woman.  I spent my days running a successful lemonade stand on our dead end street, eating Leave It To Beaver family dinners, and following my dad around in sweet overhauls.  Growing up, I never had self-confidence issues, or body-dysmorphic disorder, or the desire to be a promiscuous teen, or to cut myself,  or to run away, or to be a rebellious troublesome child.  But then, later on, I had to start interacting with things other than caterpillars and sheep [blog soon to follow]…and more unfortunately, men.

That being said, I did some cleaning today and think I’ve figured out what my problems are after analyzing a few sections of my house.  I encourage you to do the same, because you’ll never believe what your freezer could reveal about you.

A. The Freezer:

1. I’m a cheap bastard with no self control, who will throw away the last three [and only] weeks of working out at the first sight of a 5/$10 Edys ice cream sale.

2. I’m lazy. I’ve been eating Eggo waffles since 8th grade. I mean, how long does it take to pour milk onto cereal? Apparently time that I am not willing to give up.  This also further proves point #1 under section B – I don’t like change.  What if I get something different and it sucks? That is a fate I’m not ready to accept.  Also, you’ll notice that my ice has formed into an indestructible mountain because I couldn’t be bothered to use any since my Christmas party last year.

3. I’m stupid. I believe that getting the “herb roasted chicken” TV dinner will somehow balance out the fact that I just polished off 5,325 grams of sodium… and most likely that bag of buffalo fries.

4. I am “Type A.” I have a bag of industrial size pre-cooked mini Italian meatballs on the off chance I need to attend a work potluck and forgot to pick something up.  Except I haven’t had a real job since November.

B. The Closet:


1. I don’t like change, nor do I make any attempts to accept it. Now, please draw your attention to the circled column of sweaters in my closet for a brief illustration.  These are not only all V-neck sweaters, but they are all from Express.. and they are all the exact same style.

2.  The left column is entirely made up of turtlenecks, which tells me I’m not only constantly freezing – but come wintertime I turn into a bit of  a prude.

I’m not exactly sure where my commitment-phobia stems from or the fact that I keep my blinds permanently shut, but I have more cleaning to do so there’s still hope that I’ll discover the answers.

Happy searching.



37 thoughts on “Problems? Why Yes, I Can Provide Those

  1. hahahaha! I remember the myriad of express sweaters worn daily at work. even in the summer if I remember right. Although I do have one in “eel green”, they are classics you know. Love it.

    • awesome – i mean, how could u not remember the sweaters?!?! i wore them EVERY DAY.

      jen – oh, my junk drawer.. or shall i say every drawer in my kitchen… we don’t want to go there. GOSH DANGIT. how come everyone has a costco except my town?? do you know how much crap i could get there that i’d never use?

      bearman – amen. hallelujah.

  2. Sad to say that my closet looks exactly like yours. Same sweater in five different colors. My freezer has food in it that hasn’t been looked at in years. It is like that junk drawer where you throw all of those little used items that once in a blue moon you might want. I too keep thinking I will use those frozen bacon wrapped scallops from Costco that inhabit the back corner of my freezer since last year’s Christmas party. Gross! It will not happen and they will probably be there until this Christmas.

    • zelzee… aw, it wouldn’t be so bad to turn out like you… hey, maybe i’ll actually start looking on the bright side of things?!

      jill – your welcome my dear. you attention whore you. haha.

      george. that was hilarious. i have a secret affair with freezer

      candice – you have no idea, the history ice cream and i have. no idea. i’m even reluctant to talk about it cus its so special.

  3. All I can say is sweeet! And I’m not talking about your ice cream, I love to see my name in print. I will definitely check out the Reality TV mag.

    • haha linlah… unfortunately, yes. and i did. and i’ve done that repeatedly with every shirt i like.

      chris – mayo? really? oh, COME on.

      steve – aw, steve… so nice. there is NO end to my neurosis so you can just keep coming back for more 😉

      brandon – when weren’t we the same person? lol, i forgot to tell u that i sort of mapquested the love palace and that WAS your freezer. and if you wore a turtleneck that would be extremely unfortunate

  4. Why are so many people afraid of Neil Diamond????….Funny funny post….your neurosis knows no bounds ahahahahah…this post is why you are the first stop on my blog surfing…..Zman sends

  5. In both areas, freezer and closet, we’re practically the same person. When I saw the picture of your freezer, I had to go check to make sure it wasn’t actually MY freezer you took a picture of. And apparently we have the same procedure (problem?) when it comes to shopping for clothes. Except I don’t wear turtlenecks.

  6. First of all, that bio is brilliant. Funny, since being kicked to the curb last November, I’ve been throwing around the “unshowered” term like it’s going out of style. People look at me in disgust when I mention how I’ve been too lazy to change for days. Of course, I always play it up to get a better reaction (i.e. how many days should I admit to wearing these boxer shorts before someone pays for my therapy).

    BTW, the bacon-wrapped scallops collecting dust in Jen’s fridge definitely have my attention. I thought anything wrapped in bacon was automatically incredible?

    Enjoy those buffalo fries. Lil’ bit of Tabasco on top. Oh yeah.

    • thanks MVD. hey, we lost our jobs at the same time?! oh man, it gets bad around here sometimes when it comes to showering… but i mean, WHY? where am i going? to my office? bacon wrapped anything is amazing.. however i can’t do the whole seafood thing. sick.

      york – i guess you’re assuming i didn’t tidy things up for their blog debut.

  7. I grew up in an entirely different home. There were no Leave it To Beaver meals in my house, and God knows my parents were not even close to Ward and June Cleaver! My dad was a free-loving, pot smoking hippy whose proudest moment from my early childhood was when my mom asked who colored on the wall and I said “The Man. The Man is EVIL!”
    I was already planning on my adult life being a mess. How could it not be? But now, much to my surprise and horror, I am a 30 year old stay-at-home mom to three kids who act like monkeys on crack and I am bored to tears!
    And I would kill for that stack of V-Necks!

  8. theresa, well i try to keep things tidy for my blog readers.

    tracy – bored to tears?! how could u be so bored with three kids who act like monkeys?! ha. and no, the stack of v necks is highly overrated.

  9. So what…….I can top that. I own 16 black T-shirts (as well as the other tops of various colors) and I have to make a conscious effort to wear something other than black T-shirt and blue jeans.

    • robin – i mean, it’s hard when you get in a rut. i may have different colors, but i still wear the same shirt everyday. so, we are one in the same my dear

      kevo – green tea ice cream!? well that sounds sorta healthy. guys never have colors in their wardrobes though. i don’t know whats up with that. are you scared of it or what? does it haunt your dreams?

  10. My freezer contains nothing but a tub of green tea ice cream and thousands of feet of film that I hope to some day afford processing for. That day will likely come when there are no more labs to do that sort of thing.

    Also, I recently re-ordered my closet based on color instead of type of clothing. Turns out I only own red, brownish-green, and black clothing.

    I also have problems. Help me.

  11. I have been actively trying to color up my wardrobe. I really have. I now own a blue shirt and a green one… Might do something zany next, I dont know a goldenrod or a mauve. Ew, not mauve, nevermind.

    • kevo – mmm. making out.

      mauve anything, just shouldn’t exist. i used to have mauve carpet, a mauve fan, and mauve wallpaper in my room as a kid. it was like a mauve crayon threw up.

  12. 5/$10 Edy’s? I’d have thrown out the chicken to make room for it in my freezer! I think our eating habits are way too similar for our own goods. (that’s grammatically correct, right?)

  13. Pingback: That's My Daughter? She Sure Is Stone Ugly | Blunt Delivery

  14. I’ll buy a large chips at chose to have water with it because in my twisted mind I am somehow being ‘healthy’ because I am NOT having a fizzy drink like coke!

  15. Pingback: You Big, Fat, Fake Smart Person | Blunt Delivery

  16. I don’t see any of those things as being ‘problems’ 🙂

    Hey girl, I don’t know if you’re interested, but I came across this ad on another blog and signed up for it. Its a link place where you put the link in you want to share and it gives you back a shortened link to use. Every time you use it and someone clicks on it you get paid some small percent. I just started two days ago and its already starting to add up. If interested go here

  17. Pingback: I Attract Crazy People: Case Study #548

  18. Pingback: Blunt Getting Married: Rules Of Engagement

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.