I’m currently sitting in a room of the criminal justice center, surrounded by a group of my fellow unbiased peers. I assure you, none of them have formed any prejudices in the course of their lives and they possess the ability, as do I, to hold someone’s fate in their completely non-judgmental hands. Of course, I’m the [...]

He’s 25? Well that’s no big deal. It’s always a good idea to date a guy who’s a few years younger than you anyway. You know, cus they always die first. That’s what I did. Your dad is four years younger than me. Have fun on your double date Sweetie! Sorry for the absence my dears, it is crunch [...]

No, you’re completely right. That never happened. It’s almost like my witty, overly-dramatic titles don’t even fool you anymore. I guess that could be a good thing, cus it means we’re getting past the honeymoon phase of our relationship, eh? But if we’re being honest, which I think we are, my mom never thought it would last. First, I’d [...]

I cannot think of a solitary moment in life that is more optimistic than when you are listening to a high school valedictorian speech. These kids are sitting there, staring at a blank page. They have not yet been faced with life-altering decisions. Their hearts are still vaguely in one piece. They haven’t made a series of poor choices that has left [...]

So what is the secret, exactly? And please refrain from referring me to the best-selling book, Secret, as highly endorsed by Oprah. I don’t care much for self-help books. Or Oprah. Or tube tops. And more obvious things like Ranch dressing and humidity. I’d say the majority of my life I’ve been what you might call “a planner.” And no, not like that. [...]

Everywhere I look, there are changes. But that’s just the way it is. I may or may not have spent the majority of my day listening to TuPac, my apologies. At the start of this year, I had high hopes. Really, really high. So high, in fact, I was sure that I must have accidentally [...]

I’m writing this post at 8:00 am on a Monday. That alone, is reason enough for your undivided attention. And utmost adoration. And applause. Wow. That was a lot of words that begin with A. Lately, I’ve been trying to post more. I know, I know, ‘Do or do not, there is no try.’ But you know what? There is also [...]

I’m not one of those people who tries to collect Facebook friends [or as my dad calls it: FaceSpace]. Those people have deep-rooted acceptance issues stemming from childhood. That is my educated guess based on the two psychology classes I took at community college. This young man from London sent me a friend request, which I ignored, of [...]

I don’t get it. So you’re saying that when I said I was going to start posting on a Monday/Wednesday/Friday rotation, you thought that meant I was posting a blog every Monday, Wednesday and Friday? Clearly, we have communication issues. And in the interest of breaking free from my passive-aggressive behavior, I will simply tell you that [...]

Question: Why wear the world’s most unflattering, horizontal-striped dress on your birthday? Answer: So that you have something even more upsetting than your birthday to focus on. Another viable reason could be because it slightly entirely resembles The Hamburglar. Cus isn’t that what birthdays kind of are? One giant Hamburglar, sneaking up on you to steal another year? This year has been interesting. My career [...]

Wait, why are you holding a giant calendar with red X’s all over it?  …And why is there a whistle around your neck? Did you recently become a gym teacher? STOP TAPPING YOUR FOOT! What do you mean it’s only been a week and I’ve already broken my promise of posting on Monday, Wednesday and Friday?  Well, well, smartypants.. perhaps you missed the [...]

Does it ever seem like you just keep running up against walls? No matter what way you go something unexpected happens and you find yourself in an endless cycle of spinning your wheels? And then the next thing you know, all the weeds have grown up around you and there’s just no way out? Yea. Unfortunately, we don’t really have time to [...]

That girl. The one whose overly pushy, Sicilian boyfriend was able to convince her that entering a beauty pageant, despite the fact she was allergic to hair spray, 4-inch heels, up-dos and beauty pageants, would be a super awesome way to get scholarship money for her overpriced private college education. The one with absolutely no rhythm or hand-eye coordination, who was forced to perform [...]

Dad: I got serious heartburn from that strawberry shortcake.  It was the milk. Mom: Milk? I’d blame it on the strawberries. They’re so acidic. Dad: Milk contains lactic acid. Don’t ever forget it. Mom: Well I should buy lactose free milk then. Dad: You did. You were buying that Soy Milk, but then you said it was gonna kill me for [...]

“In life, we all have an unspeakable secret, and irreversible regret, and an unreachable dream.”  Diego Marchi I currently have strep throat. I have taken my nightly cocktail of drugs and shortly I will feel myself slipping away to reruns of Sex and the City. You know, the TBS ones sans nakedness. So as long as I’m conscious, you just [...]

[I'm so sick of people saying that. And I'm so sick of other movies referencing that movie. I've never seen Deliverance and so every time someone makes a reference, I don't get it.  When I ask what the movie is about people always say, "Horrible. Don't watch it. Creeptown city. People get tortured and stranded and it's just [...]

“The greeks didn’t write obituaries. When a man died, they asked only one question: did he have passion?” I help take care of this elderly man named Allen. He can’t remember what happened five minutes ago, but he can give you a play by play of everything that happened during his time in WWII. Sadly, he [...]

Sorry if you came here looking for the answers to life. Was that title misleading?  My apologies that my posts have been a bit introspective lately, I suppose that’s because I’ve been doing alot of introspecting. Or taking alot of sleeping pills. Either way, deal with it.  P.S. I’d like to extend my utmost gratitude for all [...]

This post is not intended for your entertainment, it’s a reflection; a way for me to process the tremendous amount of emotion I am experiencing right now.. When I was young, I would lay barefoot in my dad’s old canoe, with my friend Christian, and daydream. I dreamt of snow days, tree forts, and perhaps a car to [...]

Do you have your big girl pants on? If so, please check the fly because that would be grossly inappropriate for this blog. Are you ready to GET SERIOUS!? Are you ready to have your mind blown? I sure hope so, cus the last thing I need is for you to come crying to me when you’re [...]

“Indian people seem rather unemotional in my experience… Then again, my experience was with your ex-boyfriend who snorted $300 of heroin a day. So that could be a bit of a generalization.”  -my Dad. I am currently watching a Millionaire Matchmaker marathon. I love this show, but not because I love it. Patty Stanger has nothing on me in the [...]

Really? Did I just have to throw around the “R” word to get your attention? That’s sad. Sad because I have been gone for so long that I feel like I have to throw a dramatic title at you in order to peak your interest, and sad because that just might be true. Well, joke is on you [...]

You know how when you meet someone for the first time and there’s just that instant connection? As they explained on Sleepless in Seattle: magic. The stars align and in that moment, it’s as if the whole universe existed just to bring the two of you together? Well, that is not what happened when I was first introduced to 2009. The year began [...]

When I was young, my mom used to always shovel blueberries down my throat, whilst telling me that with every bite I was prolonging my lifespan and thwarting off cancer. Apparently, they were rumored to have the most antioxidants of anything on the earth. That was, until, the pomegranate phenomenon spread like STD wildfire throughout the country and caused my mom to question [...]

[For those of you who don't know who my metrosexual best friend Kenny is, please read this post. Then do yourself a favor and get a clue.] Most of you may have noticed I’ve been on a bit of a happiness protest this year. Well, hopefully this helps to explain things a bit. I was going [...]

Holy crapballs. There’s something we’ve got to talk about before we take this relationship any further. No, I’m not going to talk about the six consecutive years I avoided the dentist, or how I almost married a British heroin addict, or how I almost married a bipolar psychopath, or how I will search for as long [...]

[My mother unearthed several boxes of letters from my childhood. I have no clue why they were saved, but what's mine is yours. And if there is one thing more ridiculous than my current life, it would have to be all the time leading up to my current life.  Hence, I created the Open Letters [...]

[Again, my absence is alarming.  To roughly sum it up: new job, photo shoots, writing jobs, sinus infection, best friend's dad had a heart attack, family issues, personal issues, etc. I haven't even put up my Christmas decorations, that is how distracted I've been. If you know me, then you know that means I'm about [...]

Last November I received an early Christmas present. And I want you to know that I’m currently fighting the urge to chase the rabbit trail topic that is “the Holidays” …even though that rabbit happens to be a big, fluffy, white one that I’m very attracted to.  I’m doing this for you, because I realize [...]

[ In case you missed the first installment, please check out Why I Hate Women: Let Me Count The Ways and then because I got equal amounts of hater/lover responses to said blog, please check out my rebuttal entitled: Dear Haters, Why Do You Love Me So Much? ] I guess hate is very strong word. [...]