Life

In my early twenties, I decided to love the word Ambiguity.

Perhaps because so much of my life was, and still is lived there, in the unknowing. I became such good friends with ambiguity that I finally decided to just love it, you know? Like that annoying little genius kid that keeps asking a billion questions. Eventually, you just give in, grab a Lunchable and explain why the earth doesn’t fall through space and how fish breathe underwater and why Capri Suns are so damn hard to get the straw through without ruining your new plaid shirt.

As a historical over analyzer, my mind constantly wanders to worlds of endless possibility. Maybe even galaxies. There is something exhilarating and terrifying about the ambiguity of life and the people in it. Choices, motives, actions, words. Our own thoughts, the only certainty. And even those blindside us.

If we could know the outcome, if we could see the end result, would we really want to? Who knows where we would end up if we only took the path of least resistance. Least hurt. Never challenging ourselves and only heading toward whatever resulted in pure happiness. ‘Cus isn’t that the big goal, happiness?

But as you might remember, we’re only really entitled to the pursuit.

My life has been full of ambiguous relationships. This, one of many.

It was seven years ago. And the snow fell early that year.

The big, pretty kind that hides leftover leaves and makes sparkly piles on branches of trees; and I knew I couldn’t like you. But it’s not my fault I love the snow. The kind that shields your window from all of the things you don’t want to see but know that you need to. Even still, it was just one of those things. I was a mess. And you, well, we won’t get into that. You were just a guy in a dorm in London. A friend of a friend who became my friend and we kissed on a Tuesday night.

You had a funny accent that was more Chicago than East Coast and you hated me for saying that. Maybe you reminded me of home. Or what I wanted home to be. Endless debates over ideal pizza crust thickness, which I believe I won by sheer gesture volume. That, and my opinion counts twice given my Italian heritage. You were photography and adventure and all of the things I never knew I loved yet. You introduced me to my first peach Bellini.

Back in those days, I carried a journal. You were in it. Probably more than you should have been for a friend of a friend.

We went on dates – friend dates – and talked about a lot of what-ifs. You loved my outlook on life; described me as a slightly jaded, hopeless optimist in denial. Or something like that. And I remember thinking, either you were a total liar or you actually understood me. Inherently, you looked out for me as if you somehow knew I didn’t care what happened to me in those days. You made me laugh, like, really laugh – in a way I hadn’t and wouldn’t for a long time. Had I foreseen the next two years, I would have laughed more with you, until we had to go back to our lives.

And we did.

And that is just where some stories end. Undone. Chalked up to delicious ambiguity of life.

But somewhere, in that murky indefiniteness, there lies a unique security. Because if we were honest with ourselves… we like not knowing.

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Turning 30: What Happened In My 20s Stays In My 20s. Right After This Blog.

Confessions June 25, 2012
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{Today, at 3:33 pm, I’ll turn 30. It’s sort of hard to sum up a decade of madness, men and mistakes in a few words, so this is the closest you’ll ever come to Blunt Cliff Notes. While procrastinating this post, I also gave the blog a facelift. And if you can figure out how [...]

57 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

I’ll Tell Ya What We’re Not Gonna Talk About: 50 Shades Of Grey [Or How Long It's Been Since My Last Blog]

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{This is a catch up post. And then, if there is even anyone still lingering around in the desert wasteland that has become this blog, you should probably brace yourself. I’m turning 30 on June 25 and I will be smattering this blog with a series of reflective posts laced with melancholic undertones to properly [...]

40 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

That Guy Should Be Shot. Or, Given An Award.

Confessions March 17, 2012
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Before I get started, I just have to get real. It happened and I can’t hide it from you. Nor do I want to be congratulated or pitied. But don’t be surprised if you find me in your local Starbucks, listening to the Smiths and giving the air that I’m better than everyone else. Because [...]

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Obligatory Valentine’s Day Post. I Waited A Week So It Would Go On Clearance.

Confessions February 22, 2012
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The honeymoon phase is over. That’s clear. We’re not Khloe and Lamar for goodness sakes. And now I’m feeling all pressured to be spontaneous. Unpredictable. Edgy. Keep things fresh. Which, if you haven’t figured it out yet, is why I disappeared for a month without warning. See, you might blame me in this situation but [...]

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American Idol Is A Homewrecker & I Guess I’m Part Indian Now

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I think I’ve let enough time slip by that you’ve all moved on from the holiday / New Years  resolution crap right? Like, we can talk about other stuff now? As in, big picture stuff? Kgood. So I’m currently in the middle of two very important things: 1. Designing my first business cards for the [...]

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Life has been full of changes lately. Not in an “awkward teenager changes” sort of way. Or in a Tupac sort of way. But in more of a Stevie Nicks sort of way. Sort of. And I apologize that I’ve been so busy eating Sour Patch kids while seeing Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 over [...]

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It’s a simple question. And one that I kind of need answered in the next few days. K thanks. So I’ve been sitting here all morning trying to write about something – anything but the thoughts in my head. Preferably something ridiculous that would make you smirk and say, “Ok good, at least she’s alive.” [...]

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Here’s How I Feel About Your Bucket List

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If I told you what has transpired in the past three weeks you wouldn’t even believe me. I don’t even believe it. And since I’m in no mood to argue with you about the legitimacy of my ridiculous life, this blog will have nothing to do with what happened. Mmmmk? I mention this only so [...]

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Life Lately In Pictures: Road Trippin & Lady Elaine Fairchilde

Confessions October 7, 2011
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I have a billion things to get caught up on today. Which is exactly why I just started a Lady Elaine Fairchilde Twitter account three minutes ago. In fact, she just tweeted her first pic: “Missin my peeps from the ‘hood today. Went 2 ChuckECheese 2b around other creepy puppets w/ wood faces.” She’s also [...]

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