American Idol Is A Homewrecker & I Guess I’m Part Indian Now

I think I’ve let enough time slip by that you’ve all moved on from the holiday / New Years  resolution crap right? Like, we can talk about other stuff now? As in, big picture stuff?

Kgood.

So I’m currently in the middle of two very important things:

1. Designing my first business cards for the photography business that I started two years ago.

2. Breaking the news to my mother (and myself) that she is in love with Steven Tyler.

And while you’re contemplating the meaning of this and low-carb diets, I’m gonna serenade you with a few random pictures from the past two weeks.

I think the above statements are pretty self explanatory. Clearly, I’ve waited two years to design business cards because I’m an unrepentant pessimist and was quite certain that I would not even be able to figure out how to use a DSLR. And if I did, the world would probably end first so why invest in cards? That extra twenty dollars is the difference between designer imposter perfume or the actual Elizabeth Taylor White Diamonds fragrance. 75 gas station cappuccinos or one caramel macchiato from Starbucks.

And although the discovery of my mom’s secret love affair is alarming, it’s not entirely surprising. Being able to detect the inevitable destruction of a relationship is my sixth sense.

I first picked up on it when Steven Tyler appeared on last year’s American Idol. They laughed in all the same places. My mom unapologetically admired his purple suede pants and feathered hair accessories, claiming that they were in homage to his supposed Indian heritage. She was not happy when I had to tell her that feathers were the newest hair trend and could be purchased at your local Great Clips for 7 bucks a feather.

The culmination and affirmation of my suspicions occurred tonight, when my mom kept switching back and forth from the OWN channel to see if the 2hour Steven Tyler interview was on again. She had been talking about it for days after watching it with my dad. (I know, the nerve!) ‘Cause, first of all, the OWN channel?

“Mom don’t you hate Oprah?”

“Well, I hated her on that other show. But now she’s doing different stuff.”

“Other show? You mean, the OPRAH show. There’s nothing different except now she just has an entire network called THE OPRAH WINFREY NETWORK. It’s like one big continual OPRAH show.”

“But these interviews are cooler.”

“Because they’re 2 hours long or because she’s interviewing your boyfriend?”

Her lack of protest might as well have been a handwritten admission of love stamped by the king of England with that melted candle waxy stuff to ensure that it’s legitimacy.

Sorry, my Tudors phase is never far from me.

When the interview finally came on, she rushed to the living room saying, “Oh my gosh, it’s on again! I could watch it a hundred times. Brit, you gotta see this. His house is so cute, it’s on a lake in New Hampshire. His kitchen cabinets are yellow!”

Um. Ok, mom. I’ll watch it. I’ve always been concerned with the interior color swatch of Steven Tyler’s kitchen. But I’m slightly more concerned about how dad is going to feel when you’re cooking bacon in that kitchen in about six months.

I grabbed a blanket as I watched him talk about his battle with drugs and self esteem and monogamy. This tool is going to be my stepdad? Will this make me part fake-Indian too?

And if so, do I get free stuff?

Like, just college? I heard they got clothes and food and stuff too. ‘Cause, I could probably come around to the idea.

I’ve always liked New Hampshire. And I mean,the cabinets can’t be that ugly. The sun is yellow and I like that.

 

I have returned to blogging over at Celery and the City where I write about clean eating, healthy living and post allergy and gluten free recipes!

Your Daily Dose Of Paranoia

This is a snapshot of my life on any given day.  …Piles of unopened mail.  …30 different notepads with in-decipherable scribbles of random thoughts that I’ve written down when I was supposed to be hanging out with someone.  After Easter, the Cadbury chocolate bar could be easily substituted for Reeses or anything but Milk Duds.  …Vitamins I’ll stare at all day with every good intention, but won’t ever get up to refill my water so I can actually take them.

So the other night, my stomach started hurting really, REALLY bad.  I was perplexed.  I stared over at the pile of randomness on my desk, searching for clues, when it hit me. I just polished off an entire bowl of pistachios.  Wait… wasn’t there a national recall on pistachios last week because they were infected with Salmonella?  Crap.

It’s not my faultMy mom calls me every night and runs down a new list of things I should be paranoid of. Example of our weekly conversations:

MONDAY NIGHT

Mom: Don’t go to Target.

Me: Like,  ever?

Mom: Well, some girl got her purse stolen last night.  I guess there are these guys that hang around the parking lot and they ask if they can borrow your phone or something then they rob you.

Me: You think I would fall for that? Do you forget that I lived in London all by myself?

Mom:  I’m just saying.  It’s not safe these days for a girl to go out on her own after dark.  I’d just prefer if you were with someone. Will you just tell me you’ll always be with someone?

Me:  Of course. My friends are always available when I need to pick up Q-tips and some cereal on a Friday night.

Mom:  Mmm, cereal. That sounds good. I think I’m gonna have a bowl.

TUESDAY NIGHT

Mom:  Hey what are you doing?

Me: I’m running errands.

Mom: You aren’t at Walmart are you?   If you are, leave.

Me:  Wait, what?

Mom:  Did you hear about what’s happening at WALMART?!?

Me:  Sigh.  No… but I’m not too worried cus you’re probably gonna tell me.

Mom:  Well, there’s gonna be some gang initiation and they are supposed to shoot three girls.  So I wouldn’t go there for at least a couple weeks.  Oh, and avoid pistachios cus they’re all infected with Salmonella. Oh, did you see American Idol tonight? That Adam Lambert is my favorite, do you think he’s gay?

WEDNESDAY NIGHT

Mom:  What are you doing?

Me: Writing.

Mom:  I figured.  ….Well, you know, you just couldn’t pay me to fly anywhere these days.  Did you see that 20/20 where the spies got onto the planes with knives and tear gas?

Me:  But mom, you haven’t flown since 1969 cus you’re terrified of it.  It has nothing to do with Terrorism, you’re just trying to get the point across that I shouldn’t fly.

Mom: NO I’M NOT.  But I wouldn’t advise it.  So whatcha writing about?

So somewhere in the shuffle of more pressing concerns, the pistachio crisis was forgotten.   That combined with the fact that they are just so so delicious.

 I didn’t stand a chance.

Kenny Chronicles: Technologically Challenged

So Kenny, my metrosexual best friend and I are doing some errands around town, when my mom calls:

Mom:  I have a pretty serious problem.

Me: What’s wrong?!?

Mom:  I can’t watch any of my shows.   And Dancing With The Stars is premiering tonight and I can’t watch that either!

Me:  Why? Do you want me to tape it?

Mom:  Well your dad said we need some kind of box to watch local channels now.  They’re all fuzzy.  Except I remind him to get one everyday, but he forgets to get one everyday.

Me:  A digital converter box?

Mom:  Is that the thing that will make the channels clear?

Me:  Yes.  Well, I could pick one up for you – I’m just running some errands.

Mom:  Well can you get it tonight?  I’ve already missed two weeks.

So Kenny and I go to Best Buy. Normally, my independent side refuses to ask for any kind of help from an associate.  I don’t know why, but we certainly don’t have time to diagnose that tonight.  I was in a HUGE rush, so as soon as we enter the door, I cringe a little and ask the security guy where the digital converter boxes are.  He says, “See the Home Theater sign?  Right under that.”  Sweet.  That doesn’t sound complicated.

Kenny and I reach the Home Theater section and wander up and down a few aisles.  Neither of us see anything resembling what we’re looking for.  We loiter around for a bit and I make eye contact with two associates, but they were helping other people.

digital-converter-boxMe:  Well, they HAVE to be here!  Do you see anything?

Kenny:  Really?  Look who you’re talking to.  Just ask someone or we’ll be here all day.

So a guy walks by and says he’ll be with me in a minute, but the minute never came.  Eventually, I can’t wait any longer so I told Kenny to wait where he was and I’d get some help.

Me:  Sir, I’m sorry.  I’m in a huge rush.  I just really need to find the digital converter boxes. I was told they’re in this section but I can’t find anything.

Best Buy Guy:  Oh, sure.  [he comes over to me and points] See right where that guys is?

Me: Yea.

Best Buy Guy:  He’s leaning right on em.  There’s a stack about 8’x4′.

And there it was.  The most gigantic pile of digital converter boxes that there ever was. And there was Kenny, just leaning on them with a confused look on his face.  Obviously, I had to snap a picture so I could make a public mockery of the moment.

For more of the Kenny Chronicles:

How We Met

How to Talk Yourself Out of Dating Almost Anyone

A Conversation at Starbucks

A Metrosexual in a Yankees hat

A Bad Gordita and Some Classy Water

Black Friday, Depression, and a Salvation Army Chair

Like Black On A Chalkboard

One of my goals for 2009 was to “stop fabricating the truth”  so that means that what you are about to witness is definitely legit.

My family is hilarious.  We’re like the token Italian family they always showcase in movies, who talk over eachother and have 8 different conversations happening at once.  Except, my mom isn’t even Italian.  And I don’t have 7 siblings named after famous Italian statues.

There’s a couple of things you must know about my parents to fully appreciate this story.  My dad is quite possibly the funniest person alive – to everyone except my mother, who never gets any of his jokes. Or maybe she does, but she thinks they are super lame.   On the other hand, no one on earth ever laughs at my mother’s jokes, except my mother, because they are just horrendous.   My dad and I often challenge each other to see who can ignore her jokes the best, because if we give her even the slightest bit of encouragement she will keep repeating them. over. and. over.   In a nutshell, they are on completely different wavelengths.  In fact, the only thing they might have in common is their confusion over anything related to pop culture.

We’re watching American Idol, some nerdy kid sings, and my mom loves it.

mom: you know who he reminds me of?  that kid on King of the Lords.

me:  what?

dad:  King of the Lords?!?  you mean, Ring of the Lords?

mom:  oh, IM SORRY.  that’s right, I meant Ring of the Lords.

me:  no. no.  it’s Lord of the Rings.

mom:  well, I like him.  he reminded me of Clay Aiken.

me:  I guess.  I like Clay Aiken.  Can’t believe he had a kid.

mom:  a kid????   he got married?

me: not exactly.  he artificially inseminated his 40 yr old roommate and then he came out of the closet.

mom:  WHAT?!?!  since when?

clay-aiken-people-coverme:  like, a year ago?

dad:  [randomly changing the subject]  you know, if you need get those pictures off my camera I’ve got a SUB cord and you can hook it up.

me:  SUB?  what?  It’s not a car we’re talking about here.  you mean a USB cord?

dad:  Oh gosh, I’m sorry.  I  don’t know what’s wrong with me tonight.  Sometimes I transpose my numbers.

me: …… sigh… you mean letters?   [going to grab some paper so I can write all of this down]

[Nathaniel, the annoying emo kid sings…]

mom:  he looks like he has a booger in his nose.

me:  it’s a nose ring.

mom:  so tell me more about this Clay Atkins?

me:  it’s AIKEN.

mom:  so does he have a boyfriend then?

dad:  well that’s usually how it goes.

[then Jose, the Puerto Rican sings his song and gets emotional afterwards]

dad:  [all annoyed]  well you know he’ll make it now

me:  cus he cried?

American Idoldad:  of course.  but you know who I liked was that little brunette.  She was the best one with the best voice that messed up the worst.

[meanwhile, Lil Rounds sings her R&B song….]

mom:  well that was just terrible.  She’d of been better off singing Mary Had A Little Lamb than that crap.  it was like black on a chalkboard.

dad:  well that’s cus you just don’t get it.  That girl’s gotta lot of class.

me:  you said black on a chalkboard.