April 14, 2009

Your Daily Dose Of Paranoia

in Confessions, Family Matters

This is a snapshot of my life on any given day.  …Piles of unopened mail.  …30 different notepads with in-decipherable scribbles of random thoughts that I’ve written down when I was supposed to be hanging out with someone.  After Easter, the Cadbury chocolate bar could be easily substituted for Reeses or anything but Milk Duds.  …Vitamins I’ll stare at all day with every good intention, but won’t ever get up to refill my water so I can actually take them.

So the other night, my stomach started hurting really, REALLY bad.  I was perplexed.  I stared over at the pile of randomness on my desk, searching for clues, when it hit me. I just polished off an entire bowl of pistachios.  Wait… wasn’t there a national recall on pistachios last week because they were infected with Salmonella?  Crap.

It’s not my faultMy mom calls me every night and runs down a new list of things I should be paranoid of. Example of our weekly conversations:

MONDAY NIGHT

Mom: Don’t go to Target.

Me: Like,  ever?

Mom: Well, some girl got her purse stolen last night.  I guess there are these guys that hang around the parking lot and they ask if they can borrow your phone or something then they rob you.

Me: You think I would fall for that? Do you forget that I lived in London all by myself?

Mom:  I’m just saying.  It’s not safe these days for a girl to go out on her own after dark.  I’d just prefer if you were with someone. Will you just tell me you’ll always be with someone?

Me:  Of course. My friends are always available when I need to pick up Q-tips and some cereal on a Friday night.

Mom:  Mmm, cereal. That sounds good. I think I’m gonna have a bowl.

TUESDAY NIGHT

Mom:  Hey what are you doing?

Me: I’m running errands.

Mom: You aren’t at Walmart are you?   If you are, leave.

Me:  Wait, what?

Mom:  Did you hear about what’s happening at WALMART?!?

Me:  Sigh.  No… but I’m not too worried cus you’re probably gonna tell me.

Mom:  Well, there’s gonna be some gang initiation and they are supposed to shoot three girls.  So I wouldn’t go there for at least a couple weeks.  Oh, and avoid pistachios cus they’re all infected with Salmonella. Oh, did you see American Idol tonight? That Adam Lambert is my favorite, do you think he’s gay?

WEDNESDAY NIGHT

Mom:  What are you doing?

Me: Writing.

Mom:  I figured.  ….Well, you know, you just couldn’t pay me to fly anywhere these days.  Did you see that 20/20 where the spies got onto the planes with knives and tear gas?

Me:  But mom, you haven’t flown since 1969 cus you’re terrified of it.  It has nothing to do with Terrorism, you’re just trying to get the point across that I shouldn’t fly.

Mom: NO I’M NOT.  But I wouldn’t advise it.  So whatcha writing about?

So somewhere in the shuffle of more pressing concerns, the pistachio crisis was forgotten.   That combined with the fact that they are just so so delicious.

 I didn’t stand a chance.

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{ 53 comments… read them below or add one }

Robin April 14, 2009 at 6:12 pm

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“It’s not safe these days for a girl to go out on her own after dark.”……..<>…….What?……My mom used to say that to me…….about 35 years ago. Gee……I guess some things never change. ;-)

And a WooHoo!…..Congrats on that award. Gee….they must have taken the “short cut” getting here. In any case…..you are going to have to get yourself a trophy case for all the awards you are accumulating.

blunt delivery April 14, 2009 at 6:56 pm

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haha. yes robin. i guess paranoid mothers can be lumped along with that category of things that will never change along with death and taxes.

short cut? i dont’ get it. i’m stupid today. i apologize. haha.

Pinky April 14, 2009 at 6:48 pm

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Does your mom have a long-lost sister in Texas?

blunt delivery April 14, 2009 at 6:57 pm

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pinky…. stop stealing my life.

Jess April 14, 2009 at 7:14 pm

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My mom calls you too?

Congrats on the award – love your blog!

blunt delivery April 14, 2009 at 8:46 pm

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thanks jules. thanks for stopping by! calls me? um, every. single. night.

Nina April 14, 2009 at 7:29 pm

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Actually, my dad must be your uncle. He does the same damn thing! And, if I don’t answer my phone, he sends me email! I can’t escape!

blunt delivery April 14, 2009 at 8:46 pm

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ok nina. .. if my mom calls and i miss it…. when i finally call her back she’s always having heart palpitations. seriously. like she starts calling all my friends thinking i’m dead and in a ditch somewhere

steve April 14, 2009 at 7:49 pm

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…stay in the house never go out….have groceries delivered…work from home..have people do you landscaping..deal with all deliveries through the trap in the bubble on the outside of the house…hahhaah funny post…i have a mom like that ……..Zman sends

blunt delivery April 14, 2009 at 8:47 pm

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steve.. if that were possible. my mom would make it happen for me.

Susi Spice April 14, 2009 at 8:37 pm

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ah yes our mothers – giver of life… care-takers of knowledge… and disher out of embarrassing stories that are pots of gold for our blogs hehe , did you read my story about what happened with my mum just the other day when she met aaron?

blunt delivery April 14, 2009 at 8:47 pm

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nope haven’t read it yet susi… i will right now!

Bearman April 14, 2009 at 8:48 pm

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“postaccios” TWICE you spell it wrong.

Anyone who can’t spell “pistachio” deserves to get a tummy ache.

blunt delivery April 14, 2009 at 8:58 pm

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i’m still delirious from the pain bearman. haha. wow, i really butched that. TWICE. and i’m the writer.. ugh.

The Constant Complainer April 14, 2009 at 8:55 pm

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Congratulations on your “Blog of the Day Award.” A lot of people follow the links that they promote, so you’re definitely going to get some new readers. I’ve been enjoying reading too.

blunt delivery April 14, 2009 at 9:13 pm

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thanks complainer! I didn’t even know what it was, but i’ll take it! yay!

Nina April 14, 2009 at 9:20 pm

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Hush, Bearman! She got one of those shady laptop deals, and her spellchecker is in spanish!

blunt delivery April 14, 2009 at 9:25 pm

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thanks nina. and i have a pirated Word program…

Brandon April 14, 2009 at 9:31 pm

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I’m glad your mom is watching out for you, Rockford is a very scary place. In fact, you should probably just move back in with your mom. She’ll protect you. And definitely not drive you insane.

blunt delivery April 14, 2009 at 9:45 pm

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brandon …. you’ve been so distant these days. i almost forgot you existed. yea, my mom will protect me alright. people can sense the fear miles away. they flea.

Enna April 14, 2009 at 10:08 pm

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Congratulations on being featured!

blunt delivery April 15, 2009 at 12:24 am

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thanks porkychop!

Brandon April 14, 2009 at 10:20 pm

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Eh, I’m on another business trip, so no internet during work hours. Plus I’ve just had no inspiration for writing lately… I really need to get back on that.

blunt delivery April 15, 2009 at 12:24 am

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ok ok brandon. i just thought maybe you had no love left in your grinchy heart for me or my blog. phew.

Stesha April 14, 2009 at 11:20 pm

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Does your mom tivo American Idol?

Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha

blunt delivery April 15, 2009 at 12:23 am

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stesha. if my mom even knew how turn on the TV, then i imagine she would. thanks for stopping by!

Jen April 15, 2009 at 7:23 am

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My mother was the same way. It’s their job. Just to add to the list as I’m writing this I’m listening to the Today Show and they are talking about the terrors of bedbugs, blood sucking evil little things. Don’t go to cheap hotels! I’ve just added to your list. Still trying to add your button to my blog, it’s just not being very accomodating to let me. Will try again.

blunt delivery April 15, 2009 at 1:46 pm

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jen. oh, i’ve heard about the bedbugs… my mom has a hard time with hotels too, thats why she probably never goes anywhere haha! I’m surprised she doesn’t bring her own sheets or something.

jen- i fixed the buttons, there was something wrong, if you try again they should work just fine! thanks so much!!!

Lacie E April 15, 2009 at 8:54 am

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visiting from SITS. Your blog made me laugh and so early in the morning that deserves a medal ha ha

blunt delivery April 15, 2009 at 1:47 pm

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well hello there lacie… i aim to please. and that made my day! thanks for stopping by.

Carey April 15, 2009 at 9:19 am

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Good ol’ mom! What else are moms for but to attempt to scare the bejeesus out of their kids!

Thanks for stopping by my blog…

Now go get a glass of water and take those vitamins…I’m a mom and I could scare you with ridiculous and horrible stories of people who forgot to take their vitamins. ;)

blunt delivery April 15, 2009 at 1:48 pm

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oh carey… why do you think i have all the vitamins? ?? my mom brings them over to me, of course. haha. she’s always “do you take them everyday? cus if you don’t then they don’t do any good!” haha.

Senseless Jewels April 15, 2009 at 11:35 am

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WOMAN! For some reason your button won’t show up when I add it to my blog. WHAT?!?!?

And your mom and my mom definitely would get along.

Good thing I don’t eat pistachios.

I’m also wondering why Chuck E Cheese is on your checklist.

blunt delivery April 15, 2009 at 2:11 pm

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jules, i fixed the button, something was wrong… if you try again, should work fine. thanks peaches.

chuck e cheese…. ugh. you’ll soon find out. haha

Blond duck April 15, 2009 at 2:25 pm

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They recall everything. I’m sure you’ll be fine!

blunt delivery April 15, 2009 at 2:44 pm

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lets hope so duck. lets hope so

Bearman April 15, 2009 at 4:29 pm

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NinaPintaDelMonacoSantaRegis….in spanish “pistachio” is “pistachio” ha ha

blunt delivery April 15, 2009 at 6:44 pm

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bearman. please don’t harrass my commenters. spank you.

funnyrunner April 15, 2009 at 4:53 pm

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You crack me up! I want to “follow” your blog (LOL) but I’m not brave enough yet to join Twitter….

blunt delivery April 15, 2009 at 6:45 pm

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thanks funnyrunner. i’m not one for peer pressure. but you should, like, totally do it. all the cool kids are.

Bearman April 15, 2009 at 8:12 pm

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Is it OK to harass you? OK so why is everything centered on top of one another today?

blunt delivery April 15, 2009 at 8:19 pm

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whoa. thats totally weird. i didn’t even notice it cus i always look at it from the admin. hmm… got me. wordpress does whatever it wants.

i’m okay with mild harassment.

mama-face April 15, 2009 at 9:43 pm

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And now BED BUGS are back!! Bring back DDT I say.

The Talking Thumb April 16, 2009 at 1:07 am

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Oh I can so relate to your blog. I’ve actually been warned off of getting my mail at night because of mail thugs in the neighborhood! Say what?

Great blog!

blunt delivery April 16, 2009 at 12:22 pm

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haha thats one i haven’t heard yet thumb! thanks for stopping by!

Pattie April 16, 2009 at 1:11 am

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I hope that you are ok :) And, your mom sound precious, and similar to my eldest sister lol

blunt delivery April 16, 2009 at 12:22 pm

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you pattie, my mom actually is pretty awesome. for as much grief as i give her. she just doesn’t want me to die. haha

Christina Bledsoe April 16, 2009 at 1:39 am

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This was SO funny! Not only do I really enjoy your humor, but I also appreciate your knack of imagery! You are a fantastic story-teller, thanks for sharing.

blunt delivery April 16, 2009 at 12:23 pm

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aw gee thanks christina.

FundamentalJelly April 16, 2009 at 2:38 am

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I am thinking of nominating you for the “Shameless Self-Promotion Blog of the Week.” BTW, wandering around Mexico with a giant softball player causes tummy aches, not pistachios.

blunt delivery April 16, 2009 at 12:24 pm

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haha fundamental. jigga what now? oh, cus i gave myself props, yes, well what can i say. i deserve them every once in a while. you should try it sometime.

South City Studio April 22, 2009 at 9:32 am

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Stopping in from S.I.T.S – your life looks a lot like mine! My mom calls to give me weather reports. Ring…Her: “Are you okay? I just saw on the news there’s a severe thunderstorm.” Me: “It’s not even raining.” Her: “Well, you better hurry then – could be any minute.”

blunt delivery April 22, 2009 at 10:09 pm

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oh south- my mom does that too!! haha. “there’s gonna be bad weather coming your way, is it windy over there?”

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