Your Daily Dose Of Paranoia

This is a snapshot of my life on any given day.  …Piles of unopened mail.  …30 different notepads with in-decipherable scribbles of random thoughts that I’ve written down when I was supposed to be hanging out with someone.  After Easter, the Cadbury chocolate bar could be easily substituted for Reeses or anything but Milk Duds.  …Vitamins I’ll stare at all day with every good intention, but won’t ever get up to refill my water so I can actually take them.

So the other night, my stomach started hurting really, REALLY bad.  I was perplexed.  I stared over at the pile of randomness on my desk, searching for clues, when it hit me. I just polished off an entire bowl of pistachios.  Wait… wasn’t there a national recall on pistachios last week because they were infected with Salmonella?  Crap.

It’s not my faultMy mom calls me every night and runs down a new list of things I should be paranoid of. Example of our weekly conversations:


Mom: Don’t go to Target.

Me: Like,  ever?

Mom: Well, some girl got her purse stolen last night.  I guess there are these guys that hang around the parking lot and they ask if they can borrow your phone or something then they rob you.

Me: You think I would fall for that? Do you forget that I lived in London all by myself?

Mom:  I’m just saying.  It’s not safe these days for a girl to go out on her own after dark.  I’d just prefer if you were with someone. Will you just tell me you’ll always be with someone?

Me:  Of course. My friends are always available when I need to pick up Q-tips and some cereal on a Friday night.

Mom:  Mmm, cereal. That sounds good. I think I’m gonna have a bowl.


Mom:  Hey what are you doing?

Me: I’m running errands.

Mom: You aren’t at Walmart are you?   If you are, leave.

Me:  Wait, what?

Mom:  Did you hear about what’s happening at WALMART?!?

Me:  Sigh.  No… but I’m not too worried cus you’re probably gonna tell me.

Mom:  Well, there’s gonna be some gang initiation and they are supposed to shoot three girls.  So I wouldn’t go there for at least a couple weeks.  Oh, and avoid pistachios cus they’re all infected with Salmonella. Oh, did you see American Idol tonight? That Adam Lambert is my favorite, do you think he’s gay?


Mom:  What are you doing?

Me: Writing.

Mom:  I figured.  ….Well, you know, you just couldn’t pay me to fly anywhere these days.  Did you see that 20/20 where the spies got onto the planes with knives and tear gas?

Me:  But mom, you haven’t flown since 1969 cus you’re terrified of it.  It has nothing to do with Terrorism, you’re just trying to get the point across that I shouldn’t fly.

Mom: NO I’M NOT.  But I wouldn’t advise it.  So whatcha writing about?

So somewhere in the shuffle of more pressing concerns, the pistachio crisis was forgotten.   That combined with the fact that they are just so so delicious.

 I didn’t stand a chance.

57 thoughts on “Your Daily Dose Of Paranoia

  1. “It’s not safe these days for a girl to go out on her own after dark.”……..<>…….What?……My mom used to say that to me…….about 35 years ago. Gee……I guess some things never change. 😉

    And a WooHoo!…..Congrats on that award. Gee….they must have taken the “short cut” getting here. In any case… are going to have to get yourself a trophy case for all the awards you are accumulating.

    • haha. yes robin. i guess paranoid mothers can be lumped along with that category of things that will never change along with death and taxes.

      short cut? i dont’ get it. i’m stupid today. i apologize. haha.

    • ok nina. .. if my mom calls and i miss it…. when i finally call her back she’s always having heart palpitations. seriously. like she starts calling all my friends thinking i’m dead and in a ditch somewhere

  2. …stay in the house never go out….have groceries delivered…work from home..have people do you with all deliveries through the trap in the bubble on the outside of the house…hahhaah funny post…i have a mom like that ……..Zman sends

  3. ah yes our mothers – giver of life… care-takers of knowledge… and disher out of embarrassing stories that are pots of gold for our blogs hehe , did you read my story about what happened with my mum just the other day when she met aaron?

  4. I’m glad your mom is watching out for you, Rockford is a very scary place. In fact, you should probably just move back in with your mom. She’ll protect you. And definitely not drive you insane.

  5. Eh, I’m on another business trip, so no internet during work hours. Plus I’ve just had no inspiration for writing lately… I really need to get back on that.

  6. My mother was the same way. It’s their job. Just to add to the list as I’m writing this I’m listening to the Today Show and they are talking about the terrors of bedbugs, blood sucking evil little things. Don’t go to cheap hotels! I’ve just added to your list. Still trying to add your button to my blog, it’s just not being very accomodating to let me. Will try again.

    • jen. oh, i’ve heard about the bedbugs… my mom has a hard time with hotels too, thats why she probably never goes anywhere haha! I’m surprised she doesn’t bring her own sheets or something.

      jen- i fixed the buttons, there was something wrong, if you try again they should work just fine! thanks so much!!!

  7. Good ol’ mom! What else are moms for but to attempt to scare the bejeesus out of their kids!

    Thanks for stopping by my blog…

    Now go get a glass of water and take those vitamins…I’m a mom and I could scare you with ridiculous and horrible stories of people who forgot to take their vitamins. 😉

    • oh carey… why do you think i have all the vitamins? ?? my mom brings them over to me, of course. haha. she’s always “do you take them everyday? cus if you don’t then they don’t do any good!” haha.

  8. WOMAN! For some reason your button won’t show up when I add it to my blog. WHAT?!?!?

    And your mom and my mom definitely would get along.

    Good thing I don’t eat pistachios.

    I’m also wondering why Chuck E Cheese is on your checklist.

  9. Stopping in from S.I.T.S – your life looks a lot like mine! My mom calls to give me weather reports. Ring…Her: “Are you okay? I just saw on the news there’s a severe thunderstorm.” Me: “It’s not even raining.” Her: “Well, you better hurry then – could be any minute.”

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