The Easter Bunny Can Suck It

It’s Easter.  I’m sitting next to my dad in church.  All of the sudden, right before the service starts he turns to me and grabs my arm:

Dad: Oh, you know what?

Me: What’s that?

Dad: I heard Yanni is coming out with a new CD.

If this conversation isn’t the right way to kick off Easter, I don’t know anything.  You know, I don’t know if any of you have noticed, but Easter just isn’t what it used to be.  Nice new bonnet.  An Easter basket half the size of my room, with giant, oversized pixie stix and Reese’s eggs cascading out of it like a’s beauty only to be matched by the monstrocity of a stuffed rabbit that accompanied the basket.  All these things are but a distant memory, like braces, and Big League Chew.

scan00011So I’m chillin with the fam.  UPDATE: In case it crossed your mind, my grandma was wearing the same polyester, frog green pants that she wore on Thanksgiving, as chronicled in Black Friday, Depression, and a Salvation Army Chair.  So I go to sit next to my aunt on the couch and this happens:

Me: HGTV?  Really?

Aunt:  Well, we could watch a movie.  I have Marley and Me, did you say you’ve seen that already?

Me: Yea.  It was good, and I don’t think anyone else has seen it.

Aunt: So it was good?  Want me to put that in then?

Me: I mean, I don’t care.  I’m just working on these articles.  So it makes no difference, whatever everyone else wants to do.

Aunt: [turns to my uncle] Honey, Britteny said for you to put in Marley and Me.  She wants to watch it.

Me: [interrupts] No, I did not.  That’s not what I said.  I said I’ve already seen it and I don’t careYou said you wanted to watch it.

Aunt: Well, I know.  But if I say that you’re the one who wants to watch it, he’ll just put it in.

Me: Sigh.

Aunt: Uh oh.  Is this conversation going to be a blob now?

Me: Well, it wasn’t until you called it a blob.

Throughout the whole movie my grandma keeps whispering to my aunt that she’s seen this movie before.  We all know this isn’t true.  For the sake of illustration, I’ve dubbed my grandma “frog pants.”  When the movie is over, everyone is teary eyed, yet a fight breaks loose:

Frog Pants:  Oh goodness, you guys are getting this sad? It’s just a dog for Pete’s sake. [as my aunt’s two boxers are staring up at her from the floor]

Aunt: Dogs are like part of the family, Ma.

Frog Pants:  Well, not ones that act like that thing.  I’ve seen this before, I could have told you every thing that was going to happen.

Me: No.  No you haven’t. I promise.  You don’t go to movies.  You don’t rent them.  And you live in an assisted living complex.  Where did you see it?

Frog Pants:  I don’t recall when I saw it, but I’m not gonna sit there while you guys make me out to be some kind of liar.  I remember that dog hanging out the window of the car.

Me & Aunt: [simultaneously]  That was a commercial!

Me:  When did you watch it then?  Because it just came out on DVD.

Aunt:  Ma, are you getting Alzheimers?

Frog Pants:  Goodness gracious. Just drop it.


41 thoughts on “The Easter Bunny Can Suck It

  1. Hm. Again, far more interesting than my holidays.

    Poor Frog Pants.

    LOVE the Easter pic of you from long ago. My sister and I used to get those ridiculous “Easter bonnets” with the elastic band that goes under your chin as well. Talk about lame! Plus, those things HURT!!

  2. Frog Pants.

    My grandma used to have coughing fits, then start cussing, then reach for her bottle of “cough syrup” in her purse.

    Ahem. Yeah. Vicks 44. That bottle was 24 years old.
    But it stopped those coughing fits.

    Haven’t seen Marley and Me.

    • pinky. you should see it, its pretty good forreal. and i don’t like “animal ” movies usually. hahaha, my grandma gets those fits too.. where she starts hacking and coughing. its pretty disgusting.

  3. “Ma, are you getting Alzheimers?”

    Hilarious. Since that damned disease runs on my mother’s side, I’ll no doubt be asking that same question, half in jest.

    My grandmother and aunt used to rival each other with pastel bellbottoms at every holiday up until their passing in the late 90’s. How are we supposed to take the elder generation seriously when they still dress like they’re heading out to a swingers ball?

    Enjoy the Yanni. Could be a good bonding moment with dad.

    • mvd—- well, it doesn’t run on her side, i’m sure she doesn’t have it. my dad’s mom has it though, what a terrible disease. But, really? frog green? and when you pair it with like a bright purple sweatshirt… come on. bless her soul.

  4. I will never ever watch that movie. My mom loved it. My mom also loves Yanni. And Kenny G. And yet, she also listens to Led Zeppelin.

    That woman is impossible to figure out.

    All I got for Easter was my grandma nagging me when she was going to get great-grandchildren. Oh, and we watched golf for 5 hours.

    • brandon. well the boys watched some golf, and luckily i was spared from that. its like watching paint dry. my mom loves kenny G too… anything with a higher tempo than that… probably not. i have a story about grand children… don’t worry, thats coming up next.

  5. My mother had Alzheimer’s and it’s like living with the guy from the movie “Memento.” Trust me, you just have to smile and agree otherwise the arguments will never cease.
    This is also why I live thousands of miles from my family.

  6. I bought the book Marley and Me for my daughter last year for her b-day. Now she wants me to rent her the movie for her sleepover this coming weekend! Thankfully, I don’t actually have to sit and watch it, the girls will be in the basement watching, and I’ll be able to watch whatever I want on my t.v. in the living room :). I don’t do sad stories well, if it’s anything like Ole Yeller, I’ll bawl my eyes out in front of a bunch of 10 and 11 year old girls, and that would never do 😀

    • skye… i suggest when you watch it you be by yourself. far removed from society. i don’t like sad stories either. it was just like the last 10 mins. other than that it’s pleasant

  7. that was a horrible movie how on earth could you say it was good?? even if the dog didn’t die at the end it was still a bad movie. however the book was really good!

  8. Wow! That makes me kinda glad I spent Easter alone, locked in my art studio. I guess I’ll re-up on candy during Halloween.

    Or do they pass some out for the 4th of July? I’ll have to check my “gimme” calender.

  9. LOL. Your grandmother reminds me of my grandmother, who also wears ridiculous clothes from the 1930s (don’t ever let me wear that). At Easter she flat out said to my brother-in-law: “it looks like you’ve gained weight) and whispered to me throughout the day that other people in the room looked “heavy.”

    I LOVED Marley and Me. Fabulous movie!

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