I’m putting on the cloak of honesty right now. It’s not even mine, I borrowed it permanently from a friend. But still, you know what’s coming.
Please listen carefully: All my Facebook amigos, I love you. Really, I do. Because of this ingenious billion dollar idea, [that again, I couldn’t seem to have thought of because I was too busy planning other people’s weddings or dating inappropriate men or getting dysentery in Mexico] I’ve gotten in touch with a lot of you who I probably would have never heard from again. Ok, so maybe it wasn’t so genius. That being said, you should know that the very moment you completed one of those ridiculous quizzes you were deleted from my status updates…
You have not and will not be given a second chance. I apologize, I wish I were as kind as God. I have so many tragic and exciting updates to scroll through, that I can’t take time to read about “What Your Favorite Color Says About You” or “What Breed Of Dog Are You Most Like.” Well guess the heck what? That’s pretty fricken lame and you’re never gonna be a Jane Austin character OR a country.
So back when I was 19, I was in a wedding. Three weeks later I ended up in Xalapa, Veracruz with a girl who was also in the wedding. Alright, well I guess that’s it. Have a good day! …So this girl had studied abroad in Mexico and wanted to go back. For some ungodly reason, I cleared out my bank account and volunteered to go with her to a foreign country, known for human trafficking and drug smuggling.
I’m going to go ahead and say that this was one of the best times of my life. We had absolutely no agenda for our trip except eating enchiladas, getting tan, not throwing up, and salsa dancing every night.
I’d like to take a moment to point out some of the the highlights of my trip. If you’ll notice in the picture, that is me standing atop one of the oldest and steepest Mayan Pyramids, which was a five mile hike from civilization, in 100% humidity and 110 degree weather. Have I mentioned that I can’t usually walk to my kitchen without needing a puff from my inhaler? You’ll also notice that I’m wearing platform sandals, which I wouldn’t recommend for such an ambitious feat. You should also know that I’m scared of heights. You should also know that this is the exact moment when I started to get amoebic dysentery, or something akin to it, from accidentally using tap water to brush my teeth.
I had to be carried half of the way back. Oh, did I mention there are no toilet seats in this part of Mexico? And did I mention that a mean lady rations you one square of toilet paper when you walk in the bathroom?
We stayed with some college guys. They were possibly the nicest and most hilarious people I’ve ever met – I couldn’t understand a word they said. Hold the phone…I may have just discovered the secret to marital bliss. They constantly played these ridiculous Cd’s of American top 100 love ballads – like the discontinued ones that they throw in the dollar bin along with Amy Grant cassettes. They tried to sing along. It sounded absolutely ludicrous. You better believe when I left, I gave them a Michael Bolton Greatest Hits CD.
I spent the majority of my days trying to get them to say the word Walmart, because they couldn’t pronounce the letter “w” and for some reason, I found it to be the best free entertainment I’d ever had. Actually I think I might pull out those videos tonight, I could use a cheap laugh.
Oh yea, then there was that time that the boys took us to a random person’s mom’s house and she cooked us a Mexican feast. I happened to mention that I liked mangoes and some guy spider monkeyed up a tree to hack some down with a machete. I have no idea what his name was. He was forever memorialized as Tarzan mango guy.
I have so many more stories, it’s a shame. Honestly though, I’ve never met kinder people in all my life. It was a fabulous time. I’ve never been so sick, yet so afraid to seek medical help. I thought I was going to throw up my spleen.