January 5, 2012

American Idol Is A Homewrecker & I Guess I’m Part Indian Now

in Confessions, Family Matters

I think I’ve let enough time slip by that you’ve all moved on from the holiday / New Years  resolution crap right? Like, we can talk about other stuff now? As in, big picture stuff?

Kgood.

So I’m currently in the middle of two very important things:

1. Designing my first business cards for the photography business that I started two years ago.

2. Breaking the news to my mother (and myself) that she is in love with Steven Tyler.

And while you’re contemplating the meaning of this and low-carb diets, I’m gonna serenade you with a few random pictures from the past two weeks.

I think the above statements are pretty self explanatory. Clearly, I’ve waited two years to design business cards because I’m an unrepentant pessimist and was quite certain that I would not even be able to figure out how to use a DSLR. And if I did, the world would probably end first so why invest in cards? That extra twenty dollars is the difference between designer imposter perfume or the actual Elizabeth Taylor White Diamonds fragrance. 75 gas station cappuccinos or one caramel macchiato from Starbucks.

And although the discovery of my mom’s secret love affair is alarming, it’s not entirely surprising. Being able to detect the inevitable destruction of a relationship is my sixth sense.

I first picked up on it when Steven Tyler appeared on last year’s American Idol. They laughed in all the same places. My mom unapologetically admired his purple suede pants and feathered hair accessories, claiming that they were in homage to his supposed Indian heritage. She was not happy when I had to tell her that feathers were the newest hair trend and could be purchased at your local Great Clips for 7 bucks a feather.

The culmination and affirmation of my suspicions occurred tonight, when my mom kept switching back and forth from the OWN channel to see if the 2hour Steven Tyler interview was on again. She had been talking about it for days after watching it with my dad. (I know, the nerve!) ‘Cause, first of all, the OWN channel?

“Mom don’t you hate Oprah?”

“Well, I hated her on that other show. But now she’s doing different stuff.”

“Other show? You mean, the OPRAH show. There’s nothing different except now she just has an entire network called THE OPRAH WINFREY NETWORK. It’s like one big continual OPRAH show.”

“But these interviews are cooler.”

“Because they’re 2 hours long or because she’s interviewing your boyfriend?”

Her lack of protest might as well have been a handwritten admission of love stamped by the king of England with that melted candle waxy stuff to ensure that it’s legitimacy.

Sorry, my Tudors phase is never far from me.

When the interview finally came on, she rushed to the living room saying, “Oh my gosh, it’s on again! I could watch it a hundred times. Brit, you gotta see this. His house is so cute, it’s on a lake in New Hampshire. His kitchen cabinets are yellow!”

Um. Ok, mom. I’ll watch it. I’ve always been concerned with the interior color swatch of Steven Tyler’s kitchen. But I’m slightly more concerned about how dad is going to feel when you’re cooking bacon in that kitchen in about six months.

I grabbed a blanket as I watched him talk about his battle with drugs and self esteem and monogamy. This tool is going to be my stepdad? Will this make me part fake-Indian too?

And if so, do I get free stuff?

Like, just college? I heard they got clothes and food and stuff too. ‘Cause, I could probably come around to the idea.

I’ve always liked New Hampshire. And I mean,the cabinets can’t be that ugly. The sun is yellow and I like that.

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{ 47 comments… read them below or add one }

Ron January 5, 2012 at 7:13 pm

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Yaaaaaaaay….you’ve FINALLY posted.

Ya’ know, it’s almost been a MONTH!!!!! Yeah, yeah…I know, you’ve been busy designing your business cards and breaking the news to your mother that she’s in love with Stever Tyler. HILARIOUS!!!!

I’m lovin’ that first photo of you and your friend at the ugly sweater party. Great shots! And I didn’t even notice the ugly sweater you’re wearing because I can’t take my eyes off your gorgeous face! Truly…you’re a VERY pretty lady.

And this made me howl….

“That extra twenty dollars is the difference between designer imposter perfume or the actual Elizabeth Taylor White Diamonds fragrance.”

bwhahahahahahhahahaha! And the reason being is that we supply that perfume in the store I work at and it sells like crazy – even though it smells like Ka-Ka! But, hey…it comes with THREE purses and a body lotion, all for the low price of $57.00. And yet, the White Diamond customers bitch about the high price tag!

I’m LOVIN’ that photo of the pizza slice. I adore Chicago style deep dish pizza – the BEST!

And I’m dying to know….which plush throw blanket did you decide on?

HAPPY NEW YEAR, BESTIE!

Glad to see ya back!

X

Blunt Delivery January 10, 2012 at 9:41 pm

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1. stop it.
2. stop it right now.
3. you are too sweet, cyber BLUSH.
4. of course you like chicago style pizza…. we couldn’t be besties if you didnt!
5. sorry it took so long for my post :( i’m a horrible blogger… but u better not give up on me!

MUAH

Nikki B. January 5, 2012 at 10:03 pm

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Does this mean Liv Tyler is going to be your new stepsister? I always thought she seemed nice… Except for when she was in “Empire Records” (hola Thoughtsy!) and then I thought she was kind of lame.

But really I was just jealous. Cuz what’s-his-name was in love with her. And because she wanted to hump Rex Manning.

PS My mom thinks Oprah is her best friend. I think that makes us connected. Somehow.

Blunt Delivery January 10, 2012 at 9:42 pm

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Yes, I can confirm that Liv will be my new stepsister.

I’ve never had a sister so, it’s kind of exciting.

My mom hates Oprah. True story.

granny annie January 6, 2012 at 6:00 am

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Should I be concerned about how happy I was to finally see a post from you? Perhaps when you plan a Steven Tyler intervention for you mother you could hold a Blunt Delivery intervention for me also:) Laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh…..

Blunt Delivery January 10, 2012 at 9:43 pm

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Granny, I AM concerned for you. Because, I have nothing worthwhile to say, which tells me that there are a lot of boring people in your life. haha. Just kidding with ya!

Aw, you an my mom.. CATFIGHT!

Abby January 6, 2012 at 8:25 am

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I took two main things from this post:
1) I need to quit posting so often, as I want people to miss me and actually be glad when I put something new up. Consider it done.
2) I need to find a celebrity to claim as my father. My mom also likes American Idol, but then again, she also likes weird true crime shows. That means my dad could be Steven Tyler, Randy Jackson or a serial killer. Coin flip.

Blunt Delivery January 10, 2012 at 9:44 pm

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hahah, UM NO you don’t need to stop posting.

I certainly don’t do it so people will miss me. Rather, I do it cus I suck.

Does she like Criminal Minds? Cus my aunt likes that and it creeps me out.

Katie January 6, 2012 at 9:09 am

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Yay, welcome back! I’m glad you’re past all of that resolution b.s. and just going with the flow. You’re an inspiration. Truly. ;) Now on to business:

1) Go with the bear throw. Bears make it cool to crawl into a cave and not talk to people for months at a time. Especially during the winter. It’s kind of awesome.

2) Your dad has better hair than Steven Tyler.

3) I missed you. Not as much as Ron apparently missed you, but I missed you.

Blunt Delivery January 10, 2012 at 9:45 pm

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1. i don’t know. wolves remind me of Twilight. and twilight —> robert pattinson.

2. my dad has better hair than everybody.

3. Ron is such a drama queen. haha

Bearman January 6, 2012 at 9:40 am

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You need to move on past your Tudor’s stage…that hasn’t been on TV for 2 years. You now need to move a hundred years back to your Borgias stage and talk all popeish.

Blunt Delivery January 10, 2012 at 9:45 pm

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ugh.

two words:
get over it.

Misty January 6, 2012 at 11:38 am

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I can’t wait to see what the wedding party is dressed in. And I can just imagine the wedding dress. Feathers EVERYWHERE I assume! Probably feathers instead of flowers in the bouquets as well. This should be grand. Maybe your dad will officiate and you can be maid of honor, while Liv only gets to be a bridesmaid. Ooh, can I be the wedding planner? I obviously have brilliant untapped ideas for this thing. I assume the budget is “unlimited funds,” right? I’ll start planning now!

Oh, and you always pick the wolves. Obviously.

nursemyra January 8, 2012 at 12:17 am

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Isn’t Liv already married? That means she can’t be a bridesmaid, only a Maid of Honour. Uh oh, how come I’m buying in to this whole Steve Tyler is about to become my stepdad thing? Is something subliminal happening on your blog?

Blunt Delivery January 10, 2012 at 10:19 pm

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See Katie??? Always pick the wolves.

Duh.

And yes, I’ll get you a J-Lo headset!

Nurse…. um, there’s nothing subliminal about my blog.;)

Blunt Delivery January 10, 2012 at 9:46 pm

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See Katie??? Always pick the wolves.

Duh.

And yes, you’re hired! I’ll get you a J-Lo headset!

JustMe January 6, 2012 at 12:55 pm

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Of course you’ve always liked NH – that’s where I was born.

I think someone needs to break it to your Mom that Steven Tyler is half woman. And 2% horse. …Does she really want to get involved in that?

blunt delivery January 24, 2012 at 9:56 pm

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bahahahaha. half horse.

yea yea, my mom won’t shut up about NH now

Stacey January 6, 2012 at 10:33 pm

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I can’t really blame your mom. I hate American Idol and I watched the last season just to watch Steven Tyler.

A deer throw? Really? No.

blunt delivery January 24, 2012 at 9:57 pm

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i do have to admit, he’s charming.

Jen January 7, 2012 at 9:16 am

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Okay, okay, we’re all glad you’re back. Let’s move on. You left us and I for one am still dealing with the abandonment issues. Obviously, Ron is just so excited you posted that he’s in denial.
Anyhoo, Steven Tyler gives me the heebie jeebies but I do understand the allure of an estate in New Hampshire. It all sounds very romantic in an ivy league, Tom Collins sort of way. Not sure if it’s worth 2 hours of my life watching Oprah on basic cable.

That pizza looks good!

blunt delivery January 24, 2012 at 9:57 pm

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i think i have abandonment issues from MYSELF> i mean really, it’s been awhile since i had some ME time.

maggie January 7, 2012 at 11:51 am

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Ever since I read this post on my phone because I was that desperate for some blunty goodness I have been craving pizza.
I didn’t realize why until just now.
Damn you and your photos.

Also, you are the cutest ugly sweater wearer of life.
I wish you luck with your mum’s new relationship.
And I am eagerly awaiting an anouncement of what weekend I should be begging to be allowed off this rock to come bring my Canadian charm to Chicago.

the end.

blunt delivery January 24, 2012 at 9:58 pm

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we’ll get some pizza when you come to chi for my 30th ;)

Violet January 7, 2012 at 12:21 pm

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Well, first of all, you really know how to hurt a girl, posting a picture of good pizza like that. I moved from IL to NE 18 months ago and I left good pizza behind. I love Nebraska but the best I can do for pizza is Pizza Hut. ‘Nuff said? Yeah, thought so.

Also, Steven Tyler, although meth-addict-supermodel skinny and those lips are just kinda…well, scary, is completely sexy and hawt so I totally understand your mom’s desire to have him. But she’ll have to go through me first.

blunt delivery January 24, 2012 at 9:59 pm

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hahahaha. oh violet.

i’m not sure how to respond to that.

Jas January 8, 2012 at 2:52 pm

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Just be glad that Steven Tyler is your soon to be stepdad and not your real dad. I still have a hard time believing that Liv Tyler resulted from those gangly genes of his.

Also, I am jealous because you have Chrimma pictures with a white rapper (and if he isn’t a rapper, he SHOULD be) in a reindeer hat.

Love it.

blunt delivery January 24, 2012 at 10:00 pm

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i know right? liv is all hawt and stuff… especially in Lord of the Rings.

or as my dad would say, Ring of the Lords.

SpilledInkGuy January 9, 2012 at 10:30 am

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Something about Steven Tyler scares me.
I think it’s his mouth.
It seems freakishly large.
Either that, or he can unhinge his jaw, or something.
But either way.

blunt delivery January 24, 2012 at 10:00 pm

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i mean, he does look like a skeleton.

Thoughts Appear January 10, 2012 at 9:27 am

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I’m happy to see a post. I missed you.

That impossible decision isn’t too difficult. I say get them all. Or none. Probably none.

Having a yellow kitchen would be a huge turnoff for me.

blunt delivery January 24, 2012 at 10:01 pm

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i’m with you. i just can’t do the yellow. and he had RED cabinets? ugh. looks like a picnic.

iampisspot January 12, 2012 at 4:44 am

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Yey, you’re back!

I have a weird crush like thing on Steven Tyler – I really don’t know why.

Am I some kind of freak?

blunt delivery January 24, 2012 at 10:01 pm

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i kinda do too.

and that makes it double weird since we’ll soon be related. ;/

linlah January 18, 2012 at 12:14 am

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So I’ve dropped by here a couple of times and all I got was a blank page or some http mess or a redirect so I’m glad this time is was just random you.

If you have to stay at your stepdad’s house please talk him into better cabinets and make sure your mom cooks that bacon with her clothes on.

blunt delivery January 24, 2012 at 10:02 pm

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UMMMM yea. my site disappeared for like 5 days.

oops. thanks for sticking it out ;)

Pauline January 18, 2012 at 4:18 pm

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That’s so cool that you run your own photography business and I’m sure the cards are kick-ass!

That pizza looks so incredibly awesome! Hmmm.. Steven Tyler though? Ech, not so much, feathers or not. ;)

blunt delivery January 24, 2012 at 10:02 pm

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that pizza was the shiz.
don’t ever forget it.

Cindy January 18, 2012 at 10:50 pm

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Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii…. that is all. It occurred to me that I was thinking of you the other day and was annoyed that we weren’t friends in real life. And then I thought… ppfff real life is so overrated.

I’m not really ever star struck… I think living in Miami makes you pretty much immune to it. HOWEVER, and I will say this in ALL CAPS BECAUSE IT’S VERY IMPORTANT: IF I WAS TO EVER EVER EVER RUN INTO STEVEN TYLER I WOULD SH*T MY PANTS AND SHRIEK LIKE AN IDIOT.

LIKE AN IDDDIIIOOOTTTTT….

sigh… <3

blunt delivery January 24, 2012 at 10:03 pm

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hahahaha. yea i probably would too.

he’s hawt in a creepy way.

The Constant Complainer January 27, 2012 at 8:13 pm

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I love Chicago deep dish pizza! Yum. And American Idol has been pretty good this season thus far. Tyler cracks me up. He kissed some girl’s mom last night. That could have been yours!

Pieter February 1, 2012 at 1:06 am

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I hope we can say that it is just a phase, but rock stars have their own way with women, right? It’s as if they have been reserved a special place in the hearts of the females.

Me February 3, 2012 at 9:51 pm

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Wait a damn minute. I thought you were part black? I know I’ve been away for a while, but. . .

Thoughts Appear February 14, 2012 at 8:47 am

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Please come back. I miss you. If you blogged, it would be a Valentine’s Day miracle.

HermanTurnip February 20, 2012 at 11:17 pm

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Why does the antler-wearing guy remind me of Duff from The Food Network?

Regardless, I’m diggin’ your style!

Natalie February 21, 2012 at 12:19 pm

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Thanks for sharing the post..I watch the last season But I am not really a fan of this show..

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