I’m Not Paranoid. I Have 7 Legitimate Diseases.

I was really perplexed the other day. While browsing through Twitterland, I noticed a trending topic of #RIPJackieChan. I mean, I’m not a huge fan of Jackie Chan, but when someone dies I gotta know why. Cus maybe he had the same symptoms I’m having and maybe I’m about to die too. So I clicked on the category to see what happened.

Well, he didn’t die. It was all a ploy by his fans to get attention.

Now. I’m pretty sure it’s obvious why I was so upset: nobody’s fake tweeting about my death.

What up with that? All of the sudden I’m not even as cool as Jackie Chan? Since when? You know I can’t help the fact that I’m not Chinese, right? And I’m still perfecting my roundhouse kick – it takes TIME people! As I sat there, saddened, I decided to play with my new camera phone, while remaining very sad.

In the depths of my despair, I sent out a tweet saying that if people truly loved me, they would fake tweet about my death. It might have been the Tweet equivalent of fishing for a compliment, but whatever.  Sure enough, they tweeted. Thus, my confidence was restored and I wasn’t forced to close my Twitter account.

Anyway, all of this death talk reminds me that I have 7 legitimate, self-diagnosed diseases. And I say legitimate, cus I don’t think I can consider Diverticulitis and Restless Leg Syndrome to be diseases. Or can I?

My fiance thinks that I’m 90% hypochondriac and 10% lunatic. If you ask him, he will give you two specific instances as to why he thinks this.

Reason #1: I call him at work, from MY work, on the verge of tears. I tell him that I am certain that I’m having pre-heart attack symptoms. He then asked me if I’d been spending a lot of time on WebMD lately. I decided that question wasn’t pertinent to the case and pleaded the fifth. Gee, I don’t know: sharp pains in my chest, left arm and upper back, waking up in the middle of the night with shortness of breath, extreme fatigue… you tell me. I never exercise. Heart problems run in the family… sounds like a statistic in the making, right?

The next morning, when I was lucky enough to wake up, I ate carrots for breakfast and pleaded to the heavens that I would start doing my Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred if I could just bide a little more time. Then I did what any responsible person would do and started myself on an Aspirin regiment.

Reason #2: This next one, I admit, was an all-time low. I was mulling over the probable heart attack I was about to have and the possible Type 2 Diabetes scare, when the fiance had slowly passed out on the couch while listening to all my ailments. Suddenly, I shook him awake and said, “I just need you to take a pic for me real quick.” Knowing that he was seriously going to send me packing on the crazy train if I told him why, I said, “Don’t ask questions. I just need to see something.” I turned around and lifted up the back of my shirt while handing him the camera. He goes, “What am I taking a pic of?” I said, The mole on my back,” as I leaned in toward the lamp so he could get a clear shot. “You’ve got to be KIDDING me.” I don’t know what had overcome me, but in that moment, all I could see in my head were flashbacks to Grey’s Anatomy when Izzy found the tiny mole on her back and it turned out to be metastatic melanoma.

So sue me.

UPDATE: My Cardiac Health Risk Screening [A Video Reenactment]


42 thoughts on “I’m Not Paranoid. I Have 7 Legitimate Diseases.

  1. No joke, we may be the same person. I also do not exercise and feel as though I’m having heart attacks. SEVERE CHEST PAIN DOESN’T COME OUT OF NOWHERE. I also have a giant mole on my back that has changed and is asymetrical. I should probably get that checked out.

    I’m glad you’re (probably) not dying, but if you are, I’ll find out what terminal illness I also (probably) have and we can travel the world together and get free drinks out of sympathy.

    • from what i’ve read, they say that women’s heart attack symptoms are so slight that it almost always gets diagnosed as anxiety disorder! We don’t have pronounced symptoms like men do, that’s why women never get it checked cus they dont want to seem crazy!

      maybe at least get a heart screening like i am?? can’t hurt.. although i’m terrified to get it done and find out that i have something wrong :/

      • Now I’M scared; I was diagnosed with anxiety instead of a heart attack. However, all my heart type tests were normal, so maybe it was anxiety? We won’t know until the autopsy.

        Good luck lady. I’m sure you’re fine 🙂

  2. I am so happy to be alone with my self diagnosed illnesses. I am pretty sure I have a brain tumor, diabetes goes without saying and then I am in sure I have some sort of long disease (I don’t smoke, but am pretty sure I have something.)

  3. I’m the same way. My husband thinks I’m certifiable. And I DO Shred almost every morning, except this morning I stopped after circuit 2 because my heart was pounding abnormally fast and I suffered from heartburn all last night and I’m fairly certain there’s something more sinister at work here than over exertion and too much Thai food. That’s all I’m sayin’… 😉

  4. OMG I totally went to the ER because I thought I had a blood clot in my calf! They gave me a shot in the stomach (blood thinner, which I later had an allergic reaction to) and took my blood and told me to “get some sleep” and come in the next day for an ultrasound (How do you “get some sleep” when you are afraid of a pulmonary embolism – P.S. I just totally realized that I didn’t need spell check for that, which means I must have Googled it about 50 times).

    It turned out to just be a bruise.

    • That is one of my major concerns. I was getting pains in my leg to. And it was the bcp that was causing the chest pains. And from what I read, most girls who had those side effects got blood clots. Those scare me since there r barely any symptoms til its too late!

  5. Stay away from WebMD…that site will make you certain you’re about to die EVERY TIME, no matter what your symptoms are.

  6. Everytime I self diagnose myself I’m either pregnant or have cancer. I hate that website I freak out all the more. I love you and this post all the more. I wish there was a podcast of you and your fiance…hmmmmm….;-)))

  7. this is my favorite blog ever. And I do mean EVER. Really reminds me of the few years I wouldn’t go into Chicago w/out wearing gloves the whole time… in August.

  8. Yup….now I know WHY we’re besties!

    When I was a child, I thought I was dying of some disease every week – I kid you not! I alarmed my parents so many times, convincing them that I had a brain tumor, malaria, heart attacks, and diabetes – to name but a few.

    I use to watch the TV show Marcus Welby MD, so every time one of his patience had a disease….I psychosomatically had them.

    One time, they rushed me to the ER because I SWORE I was having an appedicitis attack. After the doctor took blood tests and examined me, he informed my parents that my stomach pain was due to GAS!

    Well…..let’s just say after THAT episode, my parents NEVER believed me again.

    Poor, Ronnie.


    • aaaaaah hahahaha. man. i am getting in trouble lately watching DR. OZ. even Grey’s Anatomy sometimes will send me into a spiraling paranoia. That’s too funny though about your gas problems…. HILARIOUS!

  9. I’m not happy with the whole social media thing lately. Probably because a dude from my former grade/high school just totally Facebook snubbed me. Whatever. I’m over it. That’s what I’m telling myself, anyway.

    My camera phone is awful, but I LOVE all the photos I’ve been seeing from others lately! Hard rocking retro-esque!


  10. This is why I have stopped watching The Doctors and The Dr. Oz Show. Just seeing the commercials sends me over the edge. I already think I have pre-alzheimers. I don’t need Dr. Oz telling me what I’m eating is going to make it worse.
    Can’t wait for the guest post…

    • Dude, Dr. Oz is my Kryptonite. I love and hate him. I went out and bought Tumeric after he said it is an anti=inflamatory that will prevent cancer. I have no clue how to eat it or what to do. and my fiance just shouts TUMERIC at me now, when he’s making fun of me for something.

  11. Do you ever get those sharp pains in the side of your rib cage and then it hurts to breathe? What the heck are those?

    I suspect I’ve been abducted by aliens in my sleep, and they implanted a tiny alien in me. It’s going to bust out of my chest any day now.

  12. Well, take it from someone that is a 3x time cancer survivor, you know when you are sick. I would recommend a once a year physical with blood tests and all and be done with it. Eat healthy and exercise. Since i got sick all my friends are like oh my god i have a bump or i coughed the other day. You are fine, just nervous like the rest of healthy population….zman sends

  13. I have a thing on my back that I made my husband take a picture of turns out it’s a kind of skin cancer but not the bad kind and I wasn’t on that paranoid heart attack medication. I’m just meticulous or something.

  14. i don’t consider restless leg syndrome a disease, i consider it THE MOST ANNOYING THING IN MY LIFE. ugh.
    i am a rather healthy individual with numerous ‘mild’ conditions that are just enough to make me have a lot of doctor’s appointments all the frickin’ time.
    i totally get where you’re coming from, though. and there’s nothing wrong with monitoring those moles! i have a couple questionable ones my doctor poopoos me about, but my dad and my best friend have both had skin cancer so i’m going to point them out to him until either they do something that warrants attention, or he gets annoyed and biopsies them to shut me up.

    (thankfully, i am not so far gone as to biopsy myself. because in theory, i could totally do that. though it might get me in a lot of trouble…)

  15. Pingback: My Cardiac Health Risk Screening: A Video Reenactment

  16. Pingback: The Day I Met Tom Cruise And NBC

  17. Pingback: Understanding Right-Brainers: The Curse Of The Creative

  18. Pingback: Givin A Little Bit Of My Love Away {Blunty Award Edition}

  19. Pingback: Obligatory Valentine’s Day Post. I Waited A Week So It Would Go On Clearance.

  20. Any fleeting mention of a disease on T.V and its a one way trip to web M.D followed by online horror stories and A rant to my friedn about how im sying of liek 15 diseases simultanously :p, I think medical shows are made for hypos like us

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.