My Cardiac Health Risk Screening: A Video Reenactment

So, remember when I talked about how I have 7 legitimate, self-diagnosed diseases? Well, one of those was heart disease. I was having chest pains, shortness of breath, tightness in my upper back and fatigue. I mean, you tell me? As any responsible citizen, I set up a cardiac health risk screening to see how many months I have left on this earth.

Yesterday was the Day in question. I have created a video reenactment of the interaction between the doctor and myself. I have also included the results at the end, so that you know if you need to craft your goodbye letters.

First, I’d like to give you a few instructions, if you decide to set up your own screening.

#1. Make sure it is the gloomiest, rainiest day in the history of days. This way, you can be even more depressed as you contemplate your imminent death. In fact, you might even purposefully drive off a cliff before you make it to the doctor’s office.

#2. Make sure that you buy a pack of pretzel M&Ms the day before and accidentally leave them in your car. This will test your self control as you drive a half hour to your appointment on an empty stomach, after fasting for 12 hours. Also be aware this might cause severe road rage.

#3. As you glance up at the heavens, vow to no longer buy pricey makeup and to give all your clothes to the needy in the event you find our you’re going to live.

Alright, and now what has brought us all here:

[kml_flashembed movie="" width="425" height="344" allowfullscreen="true" fvars="fs=1" /]

42 thoughts on “My Cardiac Health Risk Screening: A Video Reenactment

  1. I’m REALLY starting to think that you have a marijuana problem…

    *”Some things in life are bigger than just a bowl.”
    *Your propensity to eat like sweets like a mini Takeru Koybayashi.

    All of the signs are there, Brit. I’m praying for you. πŸ™‚

  2. haha…were those your dad’s glasses??

    How the hell do you have a negative chance of anything. Only thing I can compare it to is asking a girl out in my single days. Her response “Not only do you have a zero chance of taking me out, you have a negative chance”…..WHAT?? See it doesn’t even make sense in my made up example.

  3. Man, you get fast results! After my post WebMD doctor’s visits, er, during a ‘regularly scheduled check-up’ (yeah, that’s what I really meant) it takes almost 10 weeks to get results back! I’m relieved to hear everything went so ‘negatively’!
    Also I love your raindrop photo.
    And your car is much, much cleaner than ours. Well worth the prior ‘incident’, I’d say. πŸ™‚

    • yea… they just did a finger prick and put it into some machine that popped out the results.

      wait….. maybe that means i can’t trust it cus it was so fast!!!!!!!!!!!! uh oh, something else to worry about!

  4. love the comment of a bigger bowl is needed for life’s problems!! soooo true! you’re hysterical! congrats my little pooky your healthy! on to your next self induced health scare~

  5. The girl with the big glasses is so familiar… at first I thought she was Velma in Scooby Doo… but then I realised she might be Billy-Jean King… or one of Billy-Jean’s lovers. She’s damned sexy for a woman, whoever she is.

  6. Girl, you CRACK ME THE HELL UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    HYSTERICAL video! My favorite parts were the ‘pauses’ and the “ah-ha’s”

    You truly need to have your own TV show. You could be the next Tracey Ullman!

    Glad you hear you’re in the negative rather than the positive. Now, go have a BIG piece of birthday cake!


    • ooooo I could be the next Tracey Ullman but less vulgar! haha. Yea, she said “ah-ha” quite a lot. Totally Awkward with a capital A. Plus, i was so fricken nervous that didn’t help

  7. Was your nurse from North Dakota?

    Answer: “uh huh”
    Oh god that made my day. Thank you. Thank you so much for making my day with that reenactment!

  8. gas. i thought it the night we celebrated your engagement. you prob have a sensitive stomach and with any issue affecting your nervous system….like stress with the family you will have issues with an anxious stomach. My dad has this all the time and thinks he is soon to suffer yet another heart attack. his doc told him to take an antacid. just sayin…

    loved the video!

  9. wait, wouldn’t a negative chance mean you have a chance of the opposite happening? what is the opposite of heart disease? like, your heart is going to continue to work even after the rest of you gives out?

  10. Ha. I wish I could creatively make videos about my health interactions (actually, just interactions in general). However, I’m not photogenic and, in fact, look disgusting on camera.

    One of these days, we can eat a lot of ice cream together because I, like you, don’t self-limit. LIFE’S TOO SHORT.

    Glad you’re okay – well, better than okay. Apparently, you’re the epitome of health, or something.

    • yea, i didn’t know it was possible to have a negative 1% chance, but i do! i think i’m gonna post the results, no one believes me. and i find it hard to believe you’re unphotogenic, my dear

  11. So, if I had access to viewing the video, I’d leave some witty comment, but we all know work blocks these sort of things.

    I do, however, have the best EVER wedding shower game that you MUST play at yours, even if you do hate the stuff. It’s awesome because it’s hilarious AND because yours truly made it up. Email me for deets.

  12. 1. Have you missed our lists?
    2. I should have known that you had an insatiable lust for pretzel M&Ms – they’re my new best friend candy.
    3. I’m thrilled that you don’t have heart disease. Could be stress/anxiety.
    4. Please chill out and relax.

  13. Except for the fact that you sound eerily like my gyno, I “heart” this.
    I’m glad you went for a check-up, I need you around for another 60-70 years.

    ps. I had a heart murmur when I was a kid. Who knows, I may very well still have it now. Fate.

    pps. I will be starting on the ND post very soon. I just have to get a few things off my plate first. I need to devote all my attention on the man who reminded me once that “I’ll be a woman soon”.

  14. Cracking. Up.

    And now I think I need to get me one of those cardiac health risk screenings. Or just a physical in general.

    Oh, and doctors with a Minnesota accent are pretty much the best doctors available.

    Just so ya knoh. <– that's supposed to read like a Minnesota accent. I know this because I have one sometimes.

  15. Oh to have been a fly on the wall in that Dr’s office. If it was anything like as hysterical as your video recap is, it must have been the BEST visit ever! Glad to hear you’re not dying after all. . . at least not of THAT. I mean. . . there must be something causing such strange symptoms, neh? The quest continues!

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  17. watched in the dr’s office while one of the girls I work with was in here making coffee, and she laughed πŸ™‚ I also laughed. Many of life’s problems are bigger than a bowl, I say. The only reason my ice cream lasts any amount of time in my freezer is because my kitchen is on level one and my couch is on level three, and I’m pretty frickin’ lazy. (but this is also why i try to keep the cookie jar full, have a candy jar full of gummies, and a cannister full of chocolates. . . somehow if i comfort myself with variety, it doesn’t seem as bad as if i ate the whole litre of ice cream..??)

    also. i enjoy the way you say diabetes. glad to know you’re not gonna die. and i think ‘just a finger prick’ is such a load of bull – when i give blood that is BY FAR THE WORST PART. jaysus. that finger prick fills me with dread and makes me question whether or not i can ever give again. I would fail as a diabetic.

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  19. I’m sure the fiance will sleep alot easier now, even though you’ll probably find a bazillion other things to worry about dying from. πŸ˜‰ you’re such a hoot!

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  23. actually turned out i was HAVING heart attack symptoms, they were induced by a medication I was on. I wish I could creatively make videos about my health interactions (actually, just interactions in general). She’s good. She’s damned sexy for a woman, whoever she is.

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