Blunt Bites: And It’s So Delicious, The Ambiguity

In my early twenties, I decided to love the word Ambiguity.

Perhaps because so much of my life was, and still is lived there, in the unknowing. I became such good friends with ambiguity that I finally decided to just love it, you know? Like that annoying little genius kid that keeps asking a billion questions. Eventually, you just give in, grab a Lunchable and explain why the earth doesn’t fall through space and how fish breathe underwater and why Capri Suns are so damn hard to get the straw through without ruining your new plaid shirt.

As a historical over analyzer, my mind constantly wanders to worlds of endless possibility. Maybe even galaxies. There is something exhilarating and terrifying about the ambiguity of life and the people in it. Choices, motives, actions, words. Our own thoughts, the only certainty. And even those blindside us.

If we could know the outcome, if we could see the end result, would we really want to? Who knows where we would end up if we only took the path of least resistance. Least hurt. Never challenging ourselves and only heading toward whatever resulted in pure happiness. ‘Cus isn’t that the big goal, happiness?

But as you might remember, we’re only really entitled to the pursuit.

My life has been full of ambiguous relationships. This, one of many.

It was seven years ago. And the snow fell early that year.

The big, pretty kind that hides leftover leaves and makes sparkly piles on branches of trees; and I knew I couldn’t like you. But it’s not my fault I love the snow. The kind that shields your window from all of the things you don’t want to see but know that you need to. Even still, it was just one of those things. I was a mess. And you, well, we won’t get into that. You were just a guy in a dorm in London. A friend of a friend who became my friend and we kissed on a Tuesday night.

You had a funny accent that was more Chicago than East Coast and you hated me for saying that. Maybe you reminded me of home. Or what I wanted home to be. Endless debates over ideal pizza crust thickness, which I believe I won by sheer gesture volume. That, and my opinion counts twice given my Italian heritage. You were photography and adventure and all of the things I never knew I loved yet. You introduced me to my first peach Bellini.

Back in those days, I carried a journal. You were in it. Probably more than you should have been for a friend of a friend.

We went on dates – friend dates – and talked about a lot of what-ifs. You loved my outlook on life; described me as a slightly jaded, hopeless optimist in denial. Or something like that. And I remember thinking, either you were a total liar or you actually understood me. Inherently, you looked out for me as if you somehow knew I didn’t care what happened to me in those days. You made me laugh, like, really laugh – in a way I hadn’t and wouldn’t for a long time. Had I foreseen the next two years, I would have laughed more with you, until we had to go back to our lives.

And we did.

And that is just where some stories end. Undone. Chalked up to delicious ambiguity of life.

But somewhere, in that murky indefiniteness, there lies a unique security. Because if we were honest with ourselves… we like not knowing.

43 thoughts on “Blunt Bites: And It’s So Delicious, The Ambiguity

  1. Love this. As always.

    Ambiguity was spilled all over my early 20’s too. I think it’s just the age. As I get older I have less tolerance for it. Just BE who you ARE and say what you MEAN, you know?

    Maybe I’m just turning into a curmudgeon.

    • muah!

      yea, i’m already seeing things a lot more clearly and i’ve been thirty for like a month hah. And yea, screw all that being what others want you to be/pleasing everyone crap.

  2. Gorgeous. Evocative and beautiful. I agree that it is the fate of us as a people to live in a world of ambiguity. The unknowing makes this life exciting. Being unsure of what is or will happen at any one moment lends a certain danger to any situation. And looking back and realizing that if we had known, we might have changed things and not been able to experience what occured, thus changing our course and also changing ourselves . . . the ambiguity is what makes the journey interesting and worthwhile.

    • why thank you my dear!!! Yes, it does make life exciting… a little annoying at times :)

      but yes, i agree. if we knew we wouldn’t do half the things we’ve done, and good or bad they have shaped us, you know?

  3. Oh, hey and I really dislike not knowing. I’d rather regret what I’ve done, than wonder what I didn’t. Has it bitten me in my lil bottom? Bet yer ass.

    That said… I still love the ambiguity of life. Of not knowing where it will go… even as I constantly hypothesize.

  4. When it comes to other people, I always think about Schrodinger’s cat. Is the cat in the box alive or dead? You don’t know until you open it to find out and the cat doesn’t know either because it’s both alive and dead at the same time until someone comes along to observe it. For me, I’d rather not know for people. They can be simultaneously my new best friend, a huge jerk, the love of my life, and a crushing source of misery. Most folks just aren’t worth opening the box to find out because the infinite possibilities are more fascinating than what they probably really are. It takes a lot for me to be curious enough to open the box on a person. I love ambiguity too.

    Wonderful stuff as always BD.

    • well well kevo, aren’t you becoming a regular around here again?

      And i couldn’t have said it better myself. wanna take over my blog?

  5. I know why you like that word and why it makes you feel that way. Actually, Arthur O’Shaughnessy does. It’s because you’re an artist. He says it in Ode:

    We are the music-makers,
    And we are the dreamers of dreams,
    Wandering by lone sea-breakers,
    And sitting by desolate streams.
    World-losers and world-forsakers,
    Upon whom the pale moon gleams;
    Yet we are the movers and shakers,
    Of the world forever, it seems.

    If everything was clear-cut, there’s be no questions. There’d be no intrigue. There’d be no poetry or heartbreaking stories of past loves. No might-have-beens. No crushes. No life.

    • could you BE any more of my soulmate (said in a chandler bing voice)

      we are the same. i knew you’d see it my way. love what you wrote. obviously.

  6. Love this line – “That, and my opinion counts twice given my Italian heritage. ”

    If I could take things back I wouldn’t. Well.. maybe one or two things. :)

  7. “If we could know the outcome, if we could see the end result, would we really want to? Who knows where we would end up if we only took the path of least resistance. Least hurt. Never challenging ourselves and only heading toward whatever resulted in pure happiness. ‘Cus isn’t that the big goal, happiness?”

    Love that, Blunt! And it’s so freakin’ true! For me, no, I don’t want to know the outcome or see the end result because I’ve learned that each experience I have (positive or negative) has to be ‘lived through’ in order to learn. Therefore, if I knew the outcome or end result, what would be the point?

    ” Because if we were honest with ourselves… we like not knowing.”


    And I think some people come into our lives for just brief moments; teaching us things we need at the time.

    Fab post, bestie!

    X ya!

    • Awww thanks Ron! Miss you – but I’m sure it’s just as hot here as it is in FL. been like 110 for a month :/

      You are right, my dear. We need the experiences, good and bad.

  8. Great post!

    Not knowing is tricky. Like birthday presents, I always think I want to know what it is, and then when someone threatens to tell me, I say, “No!!! Don’t tell me!”

  9. The only thing I know about life is if you rip a hair out of your nose you will sneeze.
    And I stole that from Letterman. Full disclosure.
    But I mean well.
    It’s just that I hate to ruin something this poetic with my custom of tripping over words.
    So nice…

  10. Somewhere, at the very core of everything, everything is known and there is no mystery. The mystery IS our journey…the journey out, into the unknown…and the journey back in–into certainty, which, I imagine, becomes boring for us after a while …so we set upon this journey of finding ourselves once again. Were there no mystery or ambiguity, we simply wouldn’t be here. We’d be somewhere else. But we’ve chosen to be here, so the only thing to do is play along.

    Having said that…how the hell are ye, oh captivating and intriguing one?

  11. I loved reading this, like a good story. I pinned it, too. And your tagline on your header makes me smile THIS BIG. So freaking funny, I’ve read it three times.

  12. I do not think the ambiguity of life ever ends completely, even as we get older. It is better to just do what you believe in even though it may not work out as you want sometime rather regretting later why you did not attempt some things.

  13. it has taken me far to long to actually sit down and read this. And now that I have, the first thing I have to say…. after having spent a day with you in Chicago, when I read your blog I hear you reading it to me in my head. And it’s kind of awesome.

    Also, this. This is why I miss having time to read blogs. I have love this summer. I have had an amazing summer (okay, sometimes work makes me want to blow my brains out… but over all, amazing), but I miss this. I miss your writing. I miss the happy inside feeling I get.

    also, i love the new look to your site.

    probably my most unrelated to what you wrote comment ever. but. you knows. it happens.

  14. Dude, seriously? I’ve been away for months and months and months and just posted something for the first time and of course it echoes what you’ve written here. Because you’re the pattern in my china and I forgot how much a I adore you.

  15. Correct me if I am wrong, but sometimes I find completely everything in life to be ambiguous in some way. We just strive to get meaning out of everything, or try to find sense in everything.

  16. I think your post about word Ambiguity is so interesting. I like your article very much because your thinking. Also I wish you will write more this type of informative article for people in future. Thanks a lot.

  17. That was one freaking cool story. Enjoyed reading it and I find myself to be so much like you. There are things in life that I am trying to understand every other day and therefore I do not think the ambiguity in life can ever end. Thanks a lot for sharing..

  18. You don’t write. You don’t call. You don’t text. You don’t fax. You don’t IM. You don’t snail mail. And you don’t blog! LOL. Just giving you a hard time. I hope this finds you enjoying the holiday season and considering making a return to blogging soon!

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