Dear Universe,

Why dost thou continue to sabotage me? Here I always thought you were on my side.  For the first time in my miserable, out-of-shape existence, I’m trying to do something about it.  This week, I turned a new leaf. Whitestrips, here I come.  Jogging, here I come.  Well… I’m not really sure what whitestrips had to do with the whole being-out-of-shape thing, but they certainly have a way of making me feel more fit.

Come Monday, I wanted to jog, but SOMEONE decided to make Monday a holiday full of tasty treats, lounging in the sun, and irresistible bbq delights didn’t they?!  Oh please, don’t even think about looking over your shoulder.  What did you expect me to do, dishonor the veterans?

Come Tuesday, it was my mother’s birthday and even though she hates birthdays, I was forced by guilt, only child syndrome, and the powers that be to make her pies and other delectible things.  And who’s fault is that? I’ll tell you one thing – not mine.

Come Wednesday, I wanted to go jogging, but you rained, which forced me to stay inside and do nothing but lay in bed and watch Tyra Show reruns all day. Since I couldn’t jog, I decided to make it vegetable night so I could at least save on a few calories.  Again, the amount of effort that I’m exuding here is incredible.  But then you ever so gently whispered sweet nothings in my ear regarding the delectible things that were inhabiting my fridge from the day before. All I can say is that I was brought up to believe that you don’t waste food, okay?  So I had a giant bowl of ice cream.  No biggie.  An hour later, I decided that if I just ate the rest of the box then I wouldn’t be tempted for the remainder of the week.  Again, brilliant.

…Then about ten o’clock, I decided that I could really go for a bacon-grilled cheese sandwich with a side of pasta.

Look what you freakin did!?

Come Thursday, I rounded up my support system, actually drank some water, and went to the bike path.  But after I reached half way around the track, I got a stabbing pain in my stomach.  The pain was followed by dizziness, which led to nausea, which led to me collapsing in the middle of the path.  An old man came by and said, “Are you okay DOLL?”  When my support system, who had long since jogged away without me, realized I was lying in the grass, I discovered I had a migraine.

Oh, well isn’t that just cute. What’s it gonna be tomorrow, ha?  A bio-nuclear attack?  My liver suddenly explodes and I become a horrific, but interesting scientific rarity?  My car gets hijacked and I’m left for dead in a nearby ditch?  What?

43 thoughts on “Dear Universe,

  1. Damn, Brit! You got me scared to leave the house. Oh, that’s right. I don’t do that anyway. I’m like Charlie from Charlie’s Angels. I run the show from my magnificent, luxurious single-wide hovel. But I need to do something about this bag of Tato Skins and bottle of Senators Club in my lap. Look what you freakin’ did, BD?!! 🙂

  2. Being healthy requires far too much energy. I can only do it every other day. At least then, I don’t completely balloon out.

    • jen- every other day huh? i admire you.

      george – you should be scared, very scared. tato skins… ugh. well that explains it – why would you ever leave something like that!?!?

      bearman – you lie. are you really telling me that you don’t have ice cream that comes in a mini-box that opens in all sorts of complicated ways, and you just end up ripping it apart anyway?

  3. I’m sure you will need a doctor’s note releasing you to exercise again. Or maybe a doctor’s note to use as a legitimate reason to not exercise again. Perhaps a handicap parking pass too?

    Maybe a doctor’s note concerning your special dietary needs; i.e., grilled bacon cheese sandwiches, etc.?

    Not that I’m condoning that sort of behavior.

    • mama- oh man, my mom used to steal my grandma’s handicap parking thing all the TIME! we always used it when we went shopping and i was horrified. I”m not very good at faking a gimp

  4. Hey, thanks for the shout-out! I too am spending a LOT of time talking myself out of either dieting or going to the gym. My internal debate team really has it out with each other:

    “Okay, we’ll skip the gym, but we’ll have a chicken breast and veggies for dinner.”

    “Screw you, Mr. Health-food, we’re going to In-N-Out, and THEN we’ll do 45 minutes on the treadmill.”

    “I don’t think so, Jack LaLanne, because the Yankee game is on tonight, remember? So plant your ass on the couch like you know you’re gonna do anyway, and wait for the broccoli to finish cooking.”

    Yes, my inner demons are sarcastic little bastards.

    • chris – no problem! thanks for reading my blog! haha, i totally know what you’re saying in those comments. it’s like a trade -off. Okay, either i’m gonna suck at self control and eat everything in the house, but then work out – OR i’m gonna eat like a bird and lay on my a$$ all day.

  5. “I’m not very good at faking a gimp”

    It wouldn’t be very p.c., but you could try faking a mental injury as you emerge from those double-wide VIP parking spaces. People would clear out like the second parting of the Red Sea as you lurched into the drug store for a double dip of Whitestrips.

    Tough to keep it up, however. Just keep drooling and no one will call you out.

  6. Next on the list…and this one’s usually good for a few days: That time of the month cravings. Because the only way to stop those cravings is a big huge slab o’ chocolate. It’s not our fault, we were just made that way. Right? Great blog!

    • theresa. i like to think that I can just blame every shortcoming on internal things that are out of my control. i like feeling like nothing actually has anything to do with me. or my lack of self control. or self will. or laziness.

  7. This is exactly how the world tore me away from my sweet sweet fit (and modest) body of my late teens and threw me straight into an oh-so-average kinda chubby body of my early 20’s and completely blew my chances at that killer promotion and all kinds of other attractive people perks. damn you world.

  8. Sounds like a tough path to your fitness program….anyone would have been sidetracked by the bacon grill cheese mmmmm sounds good…keep at it you can do it…Zman sends

    • zman- thanks…. i need it

      skye- Um, i have been a wee bit absent lately. my apologies. but i’m back with a vengeance. oh, and you showed up as spam… what are you try to SCAM ME out of, huh?!

      zelzee- no. and more no.

  9. I can’t believe I lost you for so long! Well, I’m real glad I finally found you again, I don’t know what happend, but for some reason you don’t show up on my list lately :((

    Ok, enough whining about that. It’s the thought that counts about the exercise, after all, that’s exercising your brain and that burns calories as well! Besides, it takes energy to walk to the fridge and look for something to snack on too, so there’s more exercise for you. Hmmm let’s see if I can come up with anything else. Oh yeah, gyms have sauna’s right? And sauna’s make you sweat and raise your pulse as well, soooo I’m thinkin’ why not sit in the bathroon with the shower running on full hot for half an hour or somethin’? That’s got to be worth a few calories burned 😀 Oooh another one, typing exercises your fingers and arms, more calories burned…lol.

    Who needs to go outside to jog when you can get all the exercise you need this way?

  10. you ran less than a quarter mile and walked the rest of the way then you collapsed on the path. woman seriously when are you going to stop coming up with excuses to not run with me. don’t bring me down with you im tired of not fitting into my jeans and i refuse to buy new ones! i only buy sizes i want to fit in and that will never change so you better gather up some energy for this week bc i’ll leave you on the path again..don’t test me! GRRRR

    i love you

  11. Good question Blunt me darlin’ girl, I have no idea why my comments to you would be considered spam. All I’m trying to do is take your good intentions towards exercise and show you that you are exercising in other ways 😉

  12. Your solution is to get a dog. If she’s like mine, she’ll wake you bright and early in the morning by jumping up on the bed and licking your face (and anything else that’s exposed). Then, she’ll coerce you into taking her for a walk. As soon as she sees another dog, she’ll go tearing after it, with you in hot pursuit–if you can hang on. And THAT’S how you’ll get your exercise.

    • skye – oh thanks. not only did you just ridicule me, but you simultaneously suggested that i wasn’t good enough to remember.

      i need to go get dressed up in my white trashy clothes and head to the nearest bar so i can regain some confidence.

  13. I decided to take up jogging last year during a Biggest Loser contest at work. I didn’t really have weight to burn, but the running was fun. I stopped drinking pop and religiously ran four nights a week. I love 20 unintentional pounds in 12 weeks. LOL. It was way too much, so I put 10 back on. Now I lightly jog three times a week. It’s hard to stay focused, but hang in there!

    You have a great blog BTW. I don’t tell you that enough. I’m glad I found it and it’s one of my daily haunts.

    • tuboflard- you are hilarious! i love your blog too! thanks for stopping by

      fiona- i know, i know, it hits home for me too. i think i’m just immune cus i have the italian skin.. but i know i’m naughty

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  18. I’m pretty aynenod in general with the way that the Manosphere has been handling the FA nonsense (and, make no mistake, it is nonsense.) There just seems to be no compassion for the fact that, in a country where 95% of the “official” diet advice (i.e. the USDA) is completely wrong, and 95% of diets fail, FA is a completely rational response.If you have spent 10-15 years steadily gaining weight, all while following the high-carb, low-fat advice spewed by doctors, nutritionists, and the government, weight loss must feel impossible. Thus, if you cannot lose weight, the next logical step is to accept your size, and ask others to do the same.So, for fat people, especially fat women, you have on the one hand advice GUARANTEED to keep you fat, and on the other hand, you have people essentially calling you an immoral leech because of your weight.So much of the Manosphere gloating about “fat hamsters” just feels… well, it feels purposefully mean for no good reason. I don’t understand how anyone could read, say, Hawaiian Libertarian, and still think that most people are fat because they are lazy cows.-M. Steve(This does not mean that there aren’t a tonne of lazy cows, of course, but I know how you feel about disclaimers.)

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