Marriage: This Is What It Boils Down To

Dad: I got serious heartburn from that strawberry shortcake.  It was the milk.

Mom: Milk? I’d blame it on the strawberries. They’re so acidic.

Dad: Milk contains lactic acid. Don’t ever forget it.

Mom: Well I should buy lactose free milk then.

Dad: You did. You were buying that Soy Milk, but then you said it was gonna kill me for some reason so you stopped. Now I have heartburn.

Mom: They had something on the news about that for a week, Denny!

Dad: All I’m saying is that I may be avoiding death by Soy Milk, but I have no quality of life. I have heartburn.

Mom: Oh, fine. I’ll start buying the Soy Milk again.

Dad: What are you trying to kill me?

Twenty-five years of marriage and this is what it all comes down to. Not for me of course, cus I’m not getting married. But for all of you, these are the conversations you’ll be having.

That aside, I had a revelation the other day. And it wasn’t just that I needed a tan.

Or that I desperately need to visit the dentist. Still.

Or that I haven’t started any kind of workout and it’s mid-June.

Or that I still want an English Bulldog named Shakespeare.

Or that an unfortunate day is quickly approaching: my birthday. And I fear for the lives of many famous people on that day.

Or that I’ve been eating spaghetti for the last 13 days.

No, it wasn’t any of those things. But now that you bring it up, those are some serious problems.

I realized that I need to force myself to write more. I am veritably the WORST blogger on the planet. I get alot of emails from people asking why I don’t post more, yet you always stick around.  The truth is, I haven’t been posting cus I wasn’t inspired. Now I’m inspired, but I’ve never been so busy in all my life. I’m actually using my DayPlanner, as opposed to just admiring how cute it is.

But, I am going to post more. This is probably the only commitment I’ll be making in the foreseeable future. We’re not talking every day here, don’t get all clingy on me. We’re talking like a Monday, Wednesday, Friday type thing. Sound good?

What’s that? You don’t care?



Speaking of busy, Eric Bana stopped by my town last weekend. Each time, he lets me snap some pictures of him. We’re tight like that.


29 thoughts on “Marriage: This Is What It Boils Down To

    • maggie – =)

      v – my pants are gonna be so fancy they will rock your socks off. if you choose to wear them.

      jill – good luck with the rest of your life! sounds like it’ll be a good one!

      bearman – 1. you love it. 2. you love eric’s shirt.

  1. Oh man, we are going to rock the shit out of Chicago. It will be epic. Bring your fancy pants and I’m going to wear those shoes I blogged about because the thought of being raped by you is actually kind of hot. Also, hot pictures. He should date me.

  2. Sweet! We already drink Soy Milk at my house so I guess we’ll live happily ever after with nothing to burst that bubble they call marriage. Yep, that’s it.

  3. I don’t email you looking for more posts. It usually take days to get through the ADD posts you do make.

    oh and tell Eric that he has bird poop on his shirt.

  4. YES. You will be posting more!!! I am one of the more psyched individuals.

    …and much like your parents, I stopped buying soymilk for a while because I heard it was awful for me but then some stupid morning show like The Today Show ruined my life by saying that regular milk is AWFUL AWFUL so I just switched back to regular awful.

    • j- stop yourself. don’t toy with my emotions in such a manner. you’re not THAT siked.

      me – that is a good point. you’re pretty bright.

      derek – thanks for stopping by! stay awesome.

      candice – just remember, chicago is only an itty bitty flight away!

      brandon – you’re right. you HAVE sucked at leaving comments lately. wtf? and holy crap… you ARE certifiably the worst blogger. ever.

  5. Three WOOTS for more postings! And why is it ‘abreast’ shouldn’t it be ‘abreasts?’ I mean – MOST of us have two. . .

  6. Best resolution I’ve heard all year! Wooot! Also, can’t BELIEVEEE you get to party with V and Lola. Jealous doesn’t begin to describe how I feel.

  7. I’m not getting married for at least another ten years. Ladies, start lining up now!

    You’re writing more introspective things (which is good, even though you still barely skim the surface… likely because it’s a public blog), meanwhile I have a hard time finding anything to write at all. And I’m not just talking about for blogs (of which I’ve written none), even comments and messages to people are short on content. Maybe there’s some virus going around our area that is causing our problems.

    And I do believe I have the official title for “worst blogger on the planet.” Well, I suppose that depends on if I even qualified as a blogger to begin with…

  8. blunty i was so happy to see you writing again!

    ps thats not eric bana! 😛

    I dont think im heading down the aisle anytime in the foreseable future either..haha

    but it would be nice to think that I will have someone to discuss lactose free milk with and their heartburn and laugh at it (me laughing at him) hehe. Maybe your dad should try Rice milk.

  9. Eric Bana is awesome, I have that movie “Chopper” with him in it!

    I want you to blog very often, because I could read you all day, love.

  10. Yah, about friggin time. Finger calisthenics (for those of us who consider it exercise!!!!) does the soul good. Can’t wait, I’ll pencil you in my Day Planner (if I had one 🙁 )

  11. I stumbled upon you via a mutual friend on Facebook. I wanted to hate you, or at the very least discredit your talent based on the extremely unfair amount of beauty with which you have been bestowed. But I am laughing out loud just reading the TITLES to your blog, much less the content. So, I am afraid I must admit, I may have just become your biggest fan. Keep up the good work.

  12. trish. first of all STOP YOURSELF! and that is an order! you are too too kind. what are you trying to butter me up for some kind of FAVOR?!? =) anyway, i’m thrilled you stopped by and thanks for the wonderful comment!

    Friggen – shut your friggen mouth. i hate calisthenics, of any variety.

    C – aw, you’re the best, love.

    taylor -don’t worry, we’re ew together.

    yellow- it’s true. so so true.

    susi- hey! i’ve missed you. i agree with both those sentiments =)

  13. Really? Three times a week?!? I got all excited when I visited today and saw not 1.. but 2 posts! It feels like Christmas. And, sadly, no, I’m not being facetious. I love your blog that much and have that little of a life. Not to mention harbor the same views on marriage. You better not be being a tease.

    • er$ – aw, you’re the best! tease? i better not be is right. i wish i was. thank you so much for your support! we must be alot alike if you get anything out of this blog, cus man, its weird.

      jen – oh girl…. i feel ya. i’ve been there for almost an entire year! its terrible… but it’ll come back. you’re too great of a writer, don’t stop now!

      george – hey! good to see you around these disturbing parts!

  14. Well, I’m glad one of us is inspired these days. Not much of anything is popping to mind. The blog does seem to suffer as a result.

  15. I thihk you’re going to have a blast in Chi-Town. We were just talking about it last night. The city that never sleeps. And I hate soy milk. LOL. Happy weekend, girl.

    Oh, and speaking of Chicago, hit “The Billy Goat Tavern.” New one, not old one. Good clean fun.

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