Commitment: The Fire Breathing Dragon That Eludes Me

It’s fall.

If you reside in an area of the country [I like to refer to it as God’s favorite] where you experience the change of seasons, then you understand the sheer elation I’m feeling at this very moment as I put on an extremely worn-in hoody [the kind that barely keeps you warm anymore cus there are so many holes], eat a caramel apple [but only the kind I make myself], and drink a hot beverage [preferably a pumpkin spice latte] while staring at the crispy orange leaves outside my window.  Wow, don’t tell my 6th grade English teacher about that sentence, cus it definitely violated a few grammatical laws of nature.  If you can’t experience fall, then my heart aches for you.

Something about the fall just makes me think of new relationships. Why? Well, because it’s absolutely impossible to resist falling in love with someone during this time of year.  In fact, I believe almost all of my relationships have started in the fall.  In fact, I believe anything good that has come out of my life has started in the fall. Wait, but none of those relationships were good. Stop confusing me.

apple-orchardSo why am I talking about fally wonderfulness when this blog is about commitment issues? Well, you should know better then to ask me questions about why I do the things I do.  Here’s my thought process: crisp weather —> I’m cold —> hoody —> wow, I need a pedicure —> fall —> unrequited love for Jon Stamos —> new  relationships —> WHAT? I’m all out of pasta? —> commitment.

All of you know that I suffer from a very serious condition that we might call: issues. Particularly, of the commitment genre. I can’t commit to and entire box of one type of cereal, thus, my cupboards overflow with mini-boxes, which lead visitors to the general conclusion that I am either a foster parent to a surplus of midgets, or that I run my own daycare.  That being what it is, if we’re talking about way more important issues such as: weekend plans, underwear colors, or hair dye you can expect hives and/or cold sweats at some point.  And if we’re talking about anything that will monopolize 6 months to a year of my time, I lose feeling in my forearms.

This was the exact feeling I experienced when I closed on my condo, followed by nausea and hyperventilation. Needless to say, it presented quite a challenge when I had to sign all that paperwork with a numb arm.

While trying to psychoanalyze myself, I’ve come up with a number of scapegoats on which to place blame for this senseless paranoia. The first, of course, being my mother.  I have no idea why, but it just seems like a logical conclusion to just about everything.  The second, being my string of bad luck with overly possessive boyfriends.  The third, being the changing of the tides or humidity levels of the rainforest.  All of which make more sense than the actual truth, which is, I’m nuttier than that box of assorted off-brand Valentines Day chocolates still rotting on the bottom shelf of your fridge.  Guys, seriously, what did I tell you about Valentine’s Day gifts?

When I come back, I not only promise that I will be extremely parched, dehydrated, and tan – but that we will return to your regularly scheduled blog programming and I will have an announcement for you that you may or may not be excited about.  I’d like to say it is an announcement so big that it might blow your socks off, but then I remembered that I hate when people say that.  I mean, is that even possible? Come on, people.

Get real.

I miss you already!


39 thoughts on “Commitment: The Fire Breathing Dragon That Eludes Me

  1. Fall just has a certain smell and feel to it that is incomparable to much else. That’s one thing I miss since moving to California. Out here it’s just hot with no rain. I’m actually watching a wildfire out my window halfway wondering if I really did put that Newport out all the way.

    I can’t wait to return to Virginia where the seasonal change is almost permeable. I’m envious of your ability to greet autumn, Brit. 🙂

    • george – you should be jealous. you should be. screw california.

      bearman – why you always gotta call me out like that? contrary to popular belief, i’m not perfect. although…

      danielle- i assure you, the trip was nothing like that. carlos was nowhere to be found.

  2. I love the fall but it is too short of a season.

    Will your announcement be that you have been ignoring us b/c of a guy? (it is the fall after all)

    ‘Underware Colors’ or maybe UNDERWEAR colors!!!

    Finally don’t bother going back now and commenting on the last post. None of us will be going back there to check now that there is a new one.

  3. Nice. While you are basking on the beach, slapping carlos on the ass while he brings you your 15th Pina colada, I will be blowing my snotty, drugged out brain into my tissue that falls apart and then I have snot running down my finger. It is my middle finger and I will hold it in the air to show you.
    Have fun Sister!

  4. Eagerly anticipating your big friggin announcement. Have fun in New Mexico….I’ll jealously be thinking of you as I slave away at work ;).

    P.S. why john stamos?!

    • rach – thanks darling!! and uh, why NOT john stamos?

      steve – i know, i know! i love it

      mclaughlin – alaska? naw. midwest is where it’s at. you’d get sick of alaska after awhile. although the whole no taxes thing is kind of appealing. but the whole dark for 6 months thing is not

  5. Woo Hoo New Mexico sounds like a great trip have a great time….the fall is the best season to start anew…there is something halloween and the foliage that just invites new love..zman sends

  6. I love fall. My biggest complaint about Charleston, SC is the lack of appropriate change of seasons. Of course, my solution is to move to Alaska, but then again, I’m so ready to get out of here it’s getting a little extreme.

  7. New Mexico?

    As in Taos or Santa Fe?
    just wondering.

    Brit, please don’t wear that hat again. Just the sight of it makes me angry. I had to be honest.

    I want a caramel apple with peanuts on top.

    • jen – as in albuquerque. WHA?!? what is wrong with my hat? well it’s not mine, but i thought it was pretty cute. i make the best caramel apple dip

      granny – ah i admire your indecision when it comes to the important things in life.

      candice – i’m with ya. our winters DRAG on here too. after the holidays its like, okay already. but i do love the SNOW

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  9. It comes as no surprise to learn all those boxes of cereal in my cabinets have to do with failure to commit. My spouse owns one box of the cereal. He is happy with ONE kind of cereal. That drives me crazy. But when you compare it to commitment, he is the steady, determined, committed member of our society and I am the flake. Speaking of flakes, think I’ll have the frosted flakes this morning…..or maybe the Captain Crunch……no the chocolate krispies would be good…………………..

  10. DAMMIT, I HATE supsense! HATE!

    And fall, because it’s just a painful reminder that the dreadful Canadian winter is LOOMING. oh god. have fun in new mexico, you fiery vixen.

  11. Your heart aches for me, it’s currently 95 degrees in the shade.
    You’re right, fall = relationships.
    You can’t knock my socks off because of my first sentence. You might be able to knock my flip flops off though.

    • jill – UGH. i do love warm weather. but i cant LIVE without the seasons.

      hhh – ok, one vote for the hat and one vote in protest of the hat.

      jen – sigh. i wish. i wish. thank you for your continued faith in me!

  12. I predict you have either gotten some kick ass writing job that will take you away from all of this nonsense or that you are marrying John Stamos. Maybe both. The blogosphere has been much less entertaining without you. Do come back and continue to spread the joy.

  13. I love Fall. I’m a happier person when the leaves are all shades of heaven and I can sip spiked cider and curl up with a book in a big comfy sweater. I hate feeling hot, which is why I left Texas three years ago. Now I can’t stop thinking about hot chocolate, caramel apples, and John Stamos. Hurry back.

  14. Nice pic of you…this is what the folks in Alaska look like when they’re going sled dog racing. New Mexico, eh? Try to get to the UFO MUSEUM in Roswell…It’s FAR OUT, man.

    Only a true romantic would write that stuff about autumn…I’ve always suspected that of you, though you’ve tried valiantly to hide it!
    Enjoy it all, and I hope you feel guilty enough about leaving us in the lurch that you’ll rush back to your computer and tell us all about it.

  15. Oh the suspense. Are you back yet? And damn you for coming back to the midwest all tan and cute. Not fair for us pasty white folks who got no sun this summer. I’m with you on fall. I love fall.

  16. A fire-breathing dragon sounds like a legitimate concern to me. Better yet, why would anyone let a dragon set them ablaze? Love does not heal third degree burns.

    I’m in a semi-long distance relationship, so at the moment my life is flame retardant.

  17. @ blunt delivery:
    no, you’re cute. The hat is straight outta Uncle Buck. Remember that scene where he wears a Russian hat? And you’re from the Midwest? What a cryin’ shame.

    anyway, you went to the wrong town in New Mexico. Taos is much better. Cloudcroft is good, too….small and quaint and sells carved bears out the yahoo. I sure hope you bought that Jaun in a million shirt. That’s a keeper.

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