Open Letter: Dear Liar Liar, Your Pants Are Burnt To A Crisp

My life began in a unicorn-filled meadow, where I was fed cinnamon rolls for dinner and had sweet dreams of hot pink, glitter-filled balloons. The only thing I remember getting in trouble for was not finishing a satisfying amount of cinnamon rolls by my mother’s standard-a burden which nearly broke me.  But it was my unlikely cross to bear. Each night, I painted the neighborhood red on my Strawberry Shortcake banana-seated bicycle, of which the training wheels never quite made it off.  I blame what I can only describe as a non-existence of driving skills and an inability to adhere to traffic laws, on my father’s failure to remove said wheels.  And the fact that I was born in a trailer park, cus why not?

Up until the day I started college, and perhaps a small significant amount of time afterward, I’d of given up my weaved plastic bike basket to a homeless alcoholic, in a split second, had he asked nicely enough.  Back in the innocence of my youth, my Can-I-Trust-You-Gauge consisted of the following checklist:

1. Are you alive?  If yes, please skip to question 2.

2. Are you unshaven and wearing an orange-striped jumpsuit and shackles?

If no, I can now entrust you with the deepest secrets of my existence.

I like to refer to this fool-proof analyzation process as: my first big mistake. During the time span between frolicking with unicorns and an undisclosed year occurring somewhere in the range of 2003-2007, I continued to acquire a significant amount of unwanted lovechildren in the form of prematurely trusted “friends.”

Trusting people has now become an activity that I rarely participate in, and based on my life experiences, my checklist has undergone some minor adjustments since my days in the meadow:

1. Are you alive?

2. Are you on more than three major prescription meds that should not be taken in conjunction with one another?

3. Have you or do you ever plan on dating me and then consequentially holding a minimum of two years of my life hostage, while you discover that you, in fact, will never sort out your secret drug addiction or self-destructive tendencies?

4. If presented with the opportunity, would you steal something very valuable from me, like, let’s say, my copy of He’s Just Not That Into You or perhaps a custom designed engagement ring?

5. After I devote several years to our friendship and max out my credit card on wedding showers, baby showers, post-breakup-don’t-kill-yourself-presents, and housewarming gifts will you terminate our friendship for no apparent reason?

6. Are you unshaven and wearing an orange -striped jumpsuit and shackles?

And now I’ll present you with another charmed memory from my dusty archives. This letter was illegally passed to me in class circa 9th grade.  It was the first note I had received at the new school I started Freshman year.  I had never met this guy, but for some reason the phrase: “you can tell me, cus I won’t tell no one” was all I needed as a vow of solidarity between me and a complete stranger.



Hey girl! Sup? Not a lot here.  You probably have no idea to who I am.  Well my names Mark.  I was wondering if you liked anyone and who it was.  You can tell me cuz I won’t tell no one.

Love, Mark  W/B

Big. Big. Mistake.


38 thoughts on “Open Letter: Dear Liar Liar, Your Pants Are Burnt To A Crisp

  1. So, if that was a Big BIG mistake then you must have done something. Whadya do? Did ya tell him who you liked? Did ya date him? Did ya tell him to shove off? What? I’m dying to hear the rest of the story!


      UPDATE: This kid actually ended up asking me out, to which i said no. However, he did date one of my friends and proceeded to end up in juvenile detention, followed by a brief stint in prison for armed robbery and a plethera of other things. total. creeptown.

      You guys called it!

  2. You seem to be at the height of your scream at the worldeness…….yeah you have trust issues for sure…no advice to give other then….that first cool breeze in the morning (right off the beach) always makes someone feel good about the world…..cute pic of you on the bannana seat… that where the trust issues started haahahah…zman sends with a please dont hit me look….

    • hahaha steve – I won’t hit you i promise. unless of course, you stop reading my blog. then there’s no telling how violent i’ll get.

      sarah – well hello there and thanks for stopping by! we are so jaded. but we are together in that, at least. 😉

      jen – haha thanks!! sadly, i have never moved aside from that brief stint across seas. so basically that means, that my friends just suck.

  3. I’m right there with you on trusting people prematurely! Oh to be naive again! But now, because people all have ulterior motives, everyone gets the evil eye – no handshake – even though you aren’t wearing a jumpsuit I just know you belong in a prison – kind of treatment. And it seems to be working just fine. :o)

  4. This has to be one of my favorite posts of yours!!! I wholeheartedly agree on every point. My childhood much the same and then one day like everyone else the boom dropped. As I have moved more than anyone should, I fully understand the revolving door of friends that one invests in (long distance no less) and then without warning just never returns the calls. Thought it was just me but I see it happens to all of us. Now just be glad you don’t have to deal with horse trainers. If so, you would want to be one of those individuals taking 3 prescription drugs simultaneously that one should never mix. Talk about self-involved users. It’s enough to make me want to put the horses in a can of Alpo and call it a day.

  5. 1. Barely, I’m hungover and trying to proofread a mechanical drawing.

    2. Not if you count birth control.

    3. Um, not gonna lie, it’s crossed my mind.

    4. I’d borrow it, then flake out and forget to return it. A gentle prodding will return your items in mint condition.

    5. Definitely not, I’m very adament about keeping long-term friend who may eventually become rich.

    6. Redheads can’t wear orange.

    Do I make the cut?

    • candice – i welcome you with open arms. i’m quite sure at this point, after meeting you over the internet, you could do no wrong in my eyes. perhaps, i haven’t learned much after all.

      ronnica – i know, right? “names”

      jill – again, i know right? seriously. although the name is a curse, and i don’t really expect anyone to spell it right. ever.

  6. Always trust strangers, because they have your best interests at heart. But don’t ever trust anyone who spells your name wrong. That’s total BS.

  7. You have had a lot of sucky people in your life. I’d like to know more about these crazy friends as they sound a lot like ones I have had in my past.

    • sugar – i welcome you with open arms. we’ve probably exchanged crazies at one point or another.

      jo – ditto!!

      brandon – where the CRAP have you been? i was almost about to stage another intervention. brandon, i wish there was anyone who could compare, unfortunately, i talk to no one from my life circa 8-10 years ago. sigh.

  8. Oh hai. I was just strolling along the internet, and happened upon this site and felt like it looked kind of familiar. In my surprised state, I decided that you seemed worth reading and eventually commenting. You may not remember me, but that’s fine, I have no idea who you are either.

    I kind of wish I had met super naive Brit so I could compare/contrast it to super jaded Brit. I’m sure all of the same awesome personality traits would be there, you would just have a completely different view of events and people as they happened. Also, never trust a teenage boy who writes in cursive and can’t write proper sentences. “Sup?” should’ve been your red flag.

  9. I think you can trust me. I don’t do any drugs and wine runs from the faucets at my house.

    I like your dad too I think he’s incredible. He can teach me how to make a bonfire because I want to so bad. voglio una bella c’e bellissima e tu! Non voglio una fica pronta! Sorry if its rusty hah but its the best I can do right now!

    • mr c – crap. i’ve already invited you to stay on my couch haven’t i? perhaps i haven’t learned much at all as previously demonstrated by my comment to candice. oh and, unfortunately i know ZERO italian. trust me, it is a situation i’m trying to remedy. so my dear, what ever did you say?

      jen – i know. there’s no way to spare them from it. i cannot count the amount of times i came home crying from school. no thanks.

      chris – and that is a completely accurate statement

  10. i’m tempted to wax philisophical about trusting yourself rather than others. but, nah.

    kids are a$$h0le$ like that. i hate that my kids will inevitably have to go through this, just like i did.

    • hhh – um, as per my first comment to everyone – YES he did! total creeptown.

      theresa – oh yea, this is no love letter. this is a letter that should make you run in the opposite direction. ah yes, hindsight.

  11. Sup Brit! Cute pic. You and your love letters. You were quite the popular gal. But I would have to say this “love letter” is a bit creepy. What do you wanna bet Mark’s in jail as we speak.

  12. I agree with you completely on the friend thing. Over the course of college and getting older there have become more specific. The big one is the prescription drugs.

  13. Hey that happened to me, except I was scammed by a girl! Except when she found out who I liked, she told him to write a note back saying I looked like the devil. Now she is on Facebook and has an ugly boyfriend. Justice.

  14. Yes you did offer me a night on your couch. That’s why I say such sweet things to you. I told you in italian that I wanted a girl as hot as you and not slut. During the day I am usually cranky, I must have written that under cover of night.

  15. Dearest One Who is The Reason For My Existence,

    I am alive. And My heart beats for you and you alone.

    Well and candy. And the fact that you share all of these painful letters circa 9th grade.

    Not creepy at all but really, really awesome,


    P.S. Since we are essentially the same person, I think that must surely mean we could trust each other.

    P.P.S. Oh and Liars should really come equipped with their pants on fire. Waaay easier.

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  17. I love you; but the constant reminders of how I could possibly be your mom, age wise, are tough. My daughter had strawberry shortcake toys. (Admittedly they were more for the younger children). But letters from boys in school knows no age boundaries. My daughter just received a Facebook letter (it’s the times, I tell you) from a boy who said he knew she was cool now. (as opposed to when he first knew her.) Um, she was always cool, you jerk.

    I feel better now.

  18. I think we have all been there. Meaning, I probably have written a letter similar to the one Mark gave you. And I know I’ve been duped into spilling the beans on something and it came back to haunt me. Damn high school years! However, to this day, I still don’t trust anybody – ok, well, there are a few, but the list is short and distinguised. LOL.

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