As a young and awkward child, I was painfully shy and introverted. Maybe it was my jacked up teeth. Perhaps it was the acne. Or my untameable, frizzy hair before I discovered straighteners or anything other than Pert Plus. It could have been tragic the ankle-length skirts and turtlenecks enforced by my private school dress code. There’s no way of knowing.
For years and years, the worst torture I could possibly imagine was having my teacher force me to answer a question OUT LOUD, where I’d have to use my real-life voice. However, sometime after middle school, something went terribly awry. There was a glitch in the matrix and I became the most outgoing, uninhibited (and by all manners of speaking) freak ever to walk the planet, of whom it is impossible to embarrass. My father, however, has made it his life’s ambition to disprove this statement.
I say all this to say that I didn’t really date in school. At all, actually. I would just harbor hidden crushes on boys while outwardly ignoring them until I grew so frustrated that I considered batting for the other team. I didn’t though. Not metaphorically or literally, cus I am the most non-athletic, non-lesbian person you will ever meet. Except for my mad girl crush on Rachel McAdams. And Megan Fox. But we don’t have time to get into that.
Needless to say, I was quite shocked when my mother dropped off 6 boxes of assorted love letters/ snobby girl notes from my childhood. I don’t remember half of these people, nor do I have any clue why these letters were saved. I would say that I did it all for you, but that would be lie that even Satan would be ashamed of.
In other words, I’m starting a new category here titled OPEN LETTERS. Why? Because as I was reading these, I not only thought they were hilarious, but it also brought me back to a simpler time, where every problem in the world could be solved by having your “friend” give someone a note for you. Let’s reminisce shall we? This letter was circa 7th grade.
In case you can’t translate this ridiculous attempt at penmanship/ the English language:
Britteny,
Justin wants to know if you will go out with him tonight on a date. If so, will you go out with him (as a girlfriend) because he really likes you. And he thought that since I didn’t get you (as a girlfriend) then he thinks you will go out with him.
Love,
Mike
Um, am I the only one who feels a bit sorry for Mike in this scenario? Not only did I apparently reject him, but now his friend is making him ask me out for him? That’s harsh.
Also check out:
Open Letter: Liar, Liar, Your Pants Are Burnt To A Crisp
Open Letter: How Can We Break Up Without Me Telling You?
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{ 53 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m particularly fond of the “Love, Mike” part.
I do now wish that I had kept a stash of icky middle school letters such as this. Such great material for blog posts. How sad for poor Mike, whoever he was. He was definitely getting the raw end of that deal.
When my parent moved from Colorado to Texas I was away at college and they threw away all my beloved notes from friends….I was sure those notes were going to be my first book.
I find that now that I finally joined the lemmings on facebook that not only people I didn’t talk to in HS but people I don’t even remember going to my HS are trying to friend me.
Poor poor Mike! I take it though that you didn’t date Justin either, seeing as you don’t remember who either of them are!?!
I didn’t date in highschool either, or middle school for that matter, I was too much of a tomboy for any of the guys to be interested in me. Besides, I was considered “one of the guys” and guys don’t date guys in school unless they want a certain label!
6 boxes of letters-that is awesome. I look forward to future installments of ‘open letters’. I think your Mom is an incredible woman for saving them for you. Wouldn’t it be crazy if Justin and/or Mike read this? haha.
WOW. 6 boxes of letters?! What a treasure trove. Again, jealous of your life! I need to stop reading your blog because every time I do, I end up feeling grossly inadequate.
I bet Mike and Justin were/are totally hotties. You probably totally missed out…
The toughest thing we all do in life is growing up..being young and awkward is tough…….funny funny letter…makes you think about things you do when you are young…zman sends
Its a good thing you didn’t end up seein mike. When did you turn so friggin hot? didnt you di
HA! I love it! no doubt this is tragically prophetic for Mike’s character.
ray – rhema, is that you!? does this mean you are no longer “hating your job?”
maggie – haha, oh no. no, no. i ASSURE you, it does not.
chrisjustin,oh, dear. i am so, so sorry to hear that. i guess the wires mean i won’t have to think of a lame excuse as to why i can’t kiss you after our “date.” woe is me.
love, brit
i think your hair looks good. that’s how dorky i am.
awesome letter
Dear Brittney,
I am in the hospital. After you said you would go out with me, for some reason Mike came to my house and beat me with a bat. I didn’t ask him to ask you out for me. I think it was just some kind of test. I will call you when the wires are taken out of my jaws.
Love,
Justin
@ Blunt Delivery:
WTF…Why is Bear using your name, Brit??
Hey, that comment was supposed to go under Bear’s! What’s going on here. Things are all jumbled up. Oh right, I’m on BD’s blog.
And why is it that I have to fill out my email address every time I write a comment. Oh right, I’m on BD’s blog.
At least you were kind enough to keep your letters. All the girls I petitioned burned my love-request notes.
It may be because I addressed them all “To Whom It May Concern”.
george – sigh. were they also printed out from a word document?
nina – well, i’m glad to hear that you’ve found a keeper. and see? all that intensity was just something called “expectations” and they clearly, weren’t able to meet them yet. you had it right, girl.
I didn’t date much either. I’m blaming it on the opinionated, loud, obnoxious personality I still possess. I didn’t realize until after college that boys don’t like to be told they’re being stupid and to grow up, and that they were either dating me, or they weren’t. I wasn’t going to be the backup girl. Apparently, I was just a little intense. I didn’t change myself, just the maturity of the men I dated, and voila! Now I’m married to a man/child! He’s kinda cute and fuzzy, though. I think I’ll keep him.
@ yorksnbeans:
1. i fixed it now so that you don’t have to put email. the only reason people usually do is so their GRAVATAR will show up that is associated. but now, JUST FOR YOU, and cus I AIM TO PLEASE, you no longer are required to fill in anything.
2. bearman chaps my a$$, is what he does.
3. the replys don’t go under the person’s comment, which also chaps my ass, they go at the end. i’m working on finding a plugin to fix that!! it annoys me as well
violet – thanks for stopping by my dear!! oh i know. “love” … there are so so many letters i have that also say “i love you” and i have no idea who they even were, or if we ever even had a conversation. haha
jen – i wish everyone would have saved them. ugh… priceless.
linlah – WTH?! that ain’t cool.
bearman – aka “blunt delivery”. i know that i am enviable… but seriously, stop trying to steal my life!?
skye – forreals… i have NO IDEA who either of those chaps are. i had to dig out my old yearbooks just to see if i could figure it out! i know. pathetic.
mama – haha. well, those are pretty common names, so it’s not very incriminating.. plus since i have no idea who they are, how can i be blamed? well that’s right, I can’t. and they probably don’t remember me, so i’m pretty sure i’m safe. p.s. my mom friggen ROCKS
rachel – oh stop yourself. theres nothing to be jealous of here! and trust me, 6 boxes of letters that you have no idea where they came from is nothing to envy!! haha
steve – i agree. in fact, i don’t think i will ever grow up. and THAT’s a promise.
Mr. c – half your sentence got cut off… were you asking if i died recently? the answer is no. and as far as when i got hot…i’ll let ya know when i get there.
first- mcadams for all the win.
second- poor mike indeed. double dipped in the pool of shame. maybe some where he has a blog talking about how much he resents his supposed friend justin.
third- passing notes is so much more charming than the texting of today.
kevo – i’m totally with you. the brains win it for me. and i agree with you on the notes. especially when they have as many grammatical mishaps as this one.
mmclaughlin – my notes are your notes. live, please live.
bearman – UGH. well i hope your lips are dry, cus they won’t be after you kiss it!
I also went to a private school that required me to wear ridiculous ankle-length skirts (which were NOT in style then)…and other painfully conspicuous clothing that just screamed “private school kid”. Luckily, I didn’t get too many scars from that experience. 90% of my friends were boys, and I had several large boxes of notes that my parents JUST threw away about 2 weeks ago. I didn’t realize how tragic it was until I read this post and started thinking of all the hilarious notes I could have shared. *sigh* oh well. I’ll just have to live vicariously through yours.
@ bluntdelivery:
heh I dont know what I was going to write! Post more tis late.
@ bluntdelivery:
I started writing a post that was going to be from your nice twin but I forgot when I actually started posting.
Sending you some Crack Cream for that Chapped A$$!
That photo showed a lot of RAW potential bubbling just beneath the surface of the pizza face and stringy hair…and like Ugly Betty if she’d just discard the braces and those stupid looking glasses, you blossomed into the exotic looking temptress that stands before us today.
tim – aw, shucks. now i just don’t know about all that…. but OKAY! haha.
candice – CLEARLY, i had it going on. um. wow, it sounds like some things never change for you either.
yorks – @)(#*$&@( i just can’t please you can i?
Wow, you were a hot item, attracting the brightest kids in class obviously. The only notes I received were when I was in grade 6, and they involved an annonymous person asking me to touch his penis.
Oh, but I just have to have my little troll show up, so I’ll hopefully remember to put in my email address. Watch, now I’ll forget, and I’ll be pissed cause my troll won’t be there. (Geez, that YnB can be a real pain in the @*$$!)
So you don’t know who Justin is, bit do you know this Mike fellow? I am dissapointed that there were no boxes to check. Maybe That was my generation.
danielle – I WISH there were boxes. in fact, i don’t think i ever got a boxy note. and that is a travesty in itself
hip hop – that would be awesome. it’d be like the POST SECRET of middle school or something. let’s do it!
theresa – i know right? this guy was a conversational wizard in the making when you think about it. he probably grew up to mess with all sorts of women’s minds. haha
Guuurl, treasure trove! This is amazing! Maybe our book should be compiled of notes from our nerdy pasts? And I have a major girl crush on Tami Taylor, the coach’s wife on “Friday Night Lights.” I want to nuzzle my face in her hair!
Okay, first of all, you turned out fabulous darling. You are definitely one of the beautiful people. Funny letter, well…not for Mike. But I have to say, he sure was passive aggressive with the whole, here Brit, I’m gonna make you feel real good, but I’m gonna make you feel guilty at the same time. And they say women are good at that. Huh?
Sad – the only love letter I ever got was by mistake. I was supposed to pass it along. Ugh.
Dear Soul Sister That I Have Recently Named A Star After,
Will you be my very, best friend forever and ever?
Yes No
(please check one)
Love,
Lola
Lola –
I think there’s a typo. There should be two “yes” boxes.
The other half of your heart which is beating for you,
blunt.
Dearest Blunt,
Please post something new for me. Or I will call orazio to come after you.
Oh and please write a love letter to V so that she can feel loved.
mr. c. OKAY. now you’re scaring me. you know i briefly dating a guy named Orazio right? No joke.
Lui e una fica pronta!
Mike was no martyr. He was hoping that you’d be disgusted by Jeff and re-evaluate option A.
He was a diabolical genius.
pinky – wow. i NEVER see things that way. you always open my eyes.
I love the new “Open Letters” idea. The clarification part of the letter was my favorite part. I can’t wait to read more of these. They will probably seem like a blast from the past for all of us!
I’m so glad I was never one of those creepy kids sending creepy notes to people I barely knew asking for them to uh… date my friend? Seriously? That kid was born to be a sheep.
Oh man. I totally have to put up my own story of notary courtship.
hmmmm…..old love letters are much like family home movies.
Sometimes they are only funny to those who are directly involved. Not that this wasn’t funny…….funny stuff….uh ha….
….otherwise I love the whole open letters concept.
Britteny,
This is hilarious!!!!!! Chad told me to check out your blog and I love to read it all!! Thank you for the entertainment!
Dear Britteny,
If you didn’t go out with Justin that night (as a girlfriend), then I am willing to bet he is in therapy. Clearly, he felt that if Mike wasn’t good enough for you, then surely he (Justin) was, and you probably shattered that dream by not going out with him that night (as a girlfriend). I suspect that Mike is probably in therapy also because he couldn’t “get” you (as a girlfriend) and then had to solicit your affection for his good buddy Justin. Mike probably went on to stalk women and then cut their faces off and wear their skin as his own. And it’s all your fault.
Love,
Sherri
Also, why does the bottom of my comment say, “Watch your mouth!” ?
That was just the sweetest thing EVER! I can’t WAIT for more of these. And I think you look just fine in that pic. . .*scratches head*
This is SO adorable and SO funny!
I love the way you went like,”Who’s jack? Who’s Mike?”.
Oh sorry, I meant Justin.
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