As a young and awkward child, I was painfully shy and introverted. Maybe it was my jacked up teeth. Perhaps it was the acne. Or my untameable, frizzy hair before I discovered straighteners or anything other than Pert Plus. It could have been tragic the ankle-length skirts and turtlenecks enforced by my private school dress code. There’s no way of knowing.
For years and years, the worst torture I could possibly imagine was having my teacher force me to answer a question OUT LOUD, where I’d have to use my real-life voice. However, sometime after middle school, something went terribly awry. There was a glitch in the matrix and I became the most outgoing, uninhibited (and by all manners of speaking) freak ever to walk the planet, of whom it is impossible to embarrass. My father, however, has made it his life’s ambition to disprove this statement.
I say all this to say that I didn’t really date in school. At all, actually. I would just harbor hidden crushes on boys while outwardly ignoring them until I grew so frustrated that I considered batting for the other team. I didn’t though. Not metaphorically or literally, cus I am the most non-athletic, non-lesbian person you will ever meet. Except for my mad girl crush on Rachel McAdams. And Megan Fox. But we don’t have time to get into that.
Needless to say, I was quite shocked when my mother dropped off 6 boxes of assorted love letters/ snobby girl notes from my childhood. I don’t remember half of these people, nor do I have any clue why these letters were saved. I would say that I did it all for you, but that would be lie that even Satan would be ashamed of.
In other words, I’m starting a new category here titled OPEN LETTERS. Why? Because as I was reading these, I not only thought they were hilarious, but it also brought me back to a simpler time, where every problem in the world could be solved by having your “friend” give someone a note for you. Let’s reminisce shall we? This letter was circa 7th grade.
In case you can’t translate this ridiculous attempt at penmanship/ the English language:
Britteny,
Justin wants to know if you will go out with him tonight on a date. If so, will you go out with him (as a girlfriend) because he really likes you. And he thought that since I didn’t get you (as a girlfriend) then he thinks you will go out with him.
Love,
Mike
Um, am I the only one who feels a bit sorry for Mike in this scenario? Not only did I apparently reject him, but now his friend is making him ask me out for him? That’s harsh.
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