So You’re Telling Me You’re Not MARRIED?!

Hold on to your clip on ties. I want you to pop a squat and take a moment to regret all the stupid decisions that you’ve made today.  And since you’re probably gonna break a sweat, I’m gonna cool you off with a tropical breeze of insightful knowledge.

My mom gave me a vacuum and a cactus as a housewarming present.  Half of this gift confused me.  The vacuum was a given, considering, along with mowing the grass, that is my mom’s second favorite pastime.  We don’t have sufficient time right now, or a licensed psychologist, to get into the mechanics of why exactly these are my mom’s favorite pastimes. But a cactus?

Mom: “You need to have some other living thing to keep you company.  And this is the only thing that’s impossible to kill.”

Fair enough.  But as of last night, I can say with all the conviction of an OJ Simpson trial, that my mother has been officially wrong about something in her life.  That cactus is a goner.  And as I was dumping it out into my garbage can, I thought, What kind of person can’t keep a cactus alive?” The answer, unmistakably blaring in my eardrums like a bad ACDC cover band, was:  the kind of person that probably shouldn’t procreate.

Maybe I subconsciously killed it cus I hate all things Southwestery. I don’t know.  That being said, there’s not a solitary day that goes by when I don’t break out into a musical-esque song and dance like something out of the Sound of Music or a commercial, rejoicing over the fact that I’m not married yet, nor do I have any illegitimate children.  This is not merely due to my phobia surrounding all things associated with commitment, but also due to the fact that if I’d of married any of my previous boyfriends – I’d be taking a sightseeing trip to the Brooklyn Bridge very soon.  So I could effectively end my life by jumping into that ice-cold, watery abyss.

weddings1I find, however, that the rest of the world doesn’t participate in my joy.  Considering the bulk of my time is divided equally between:  being in weddings, attending baby showers, and trying not to eat the entire box of ice cream right before bed – I’m around alot of “committed people.”  Here’s a quick sound bite from last weekend’s baby shower:

Friend’s Granny:  My, I haven’t seen you in ages.  Let me see that hand.  Wait…. WHAT?!

Me:  Hey, good to see you too.  How’s the assisted living complex?

Friend’s Granny:  You’re NOT MARRIED?!

Me:  Nope.  Not yet.  Wow, you look exactly the same.  …So, what’s been going on with you?

Friend’s Granny:  Wait, I thought your boyfriend proposed to you in Paris?

Me:   Well, turns out he was bipolar, who knew.  And too Italian. And his breath was funky at random times.

Friend’s Granny:   Well, I thought I heard you were going steady with some boy you met in London, what happened to him?

Me:   Yea.  Yea, I was.  Heroin addict.   Oops. ….So, do you still play Bingo every Thursday?

Friend’s Granny:  But what ever happened to that first boy you were with?  He was so …

Me:  Um…  He was a “musician.”  So, you know, he needed to follow his music.

Friend’s Granny:  Well, are you at least dating someone?!?

Me:  Yes, he’s very nice.

Friend’s Granny: He’s nice? Well, then why haven’t you snatched him up yet? You better get him before someone else does!!

Me:   Um.  What? I’m not quite ready.

Friend’s Granny:   You’re running out of TIME!

Me:  Time? Like, as in my lifespan?   Didn’t you just turn 92?

Friend’s Granny:  Can you at least do me one small favor?

Me:  Sure. What’s that?

Friend’s Granny:  The next time I see you, can you at the very least have a baby?

Other articles you  might enjoy:

A Boy, Not Yet A Woman

How To Talk Yourself Out Of Dating Almost Anyone

What Women Really Want

Paris Can Bite Me

Teenage Acne and an Italian Boyfriend


44 thoughts on “So You’re Telling Me You’re Not MARRIED?!

    • pinky. i love that you call me dude. and i appreciate that you think i’m sane. and no, i am the only person on the plant not to have seen the big lebowski. i digress.

      p.s. when i got to your blog, it says “no search matched your inquiry.” and nothing comes up….?

  1. I’m at that stage where I feel like I’m always attending some kid’s birthday party. For someone without children, it’s a hellacious experience.

    If you’re really pressured into the kid thing, take a ride out to your local Chuck E Cheese and scoop one up. Easier than nine months of hormonal imbalances.

  2. So…you’re saying you DON’T want an invite to my wedding? Not even if I throw in there’s an OPEN BAR with TOP SHELF BOOZE? No? Ok.

    PS I have a baby you can borrow next time you see your granny.

  3. I get crap from people and I’m a 24 year old male. I don’t think you have commitment issues, your blog is updated on a regular basis. I commend you for that.

  4. ahh yes, i feel your joy..or pain… or frustration whatever it may be brit. hehe On my 25th birthday i was seated around .. the Round Table of the Cruz my aunties all 5 of them:
    “well you are 25 today, that is such a blessing”
    “but more of a blessing it would be if you were married”
    “are you serious about either of the boys you are dating?”
    “um… u mean the ones that i am dating unexclusively? the ones that I ensure are never in the same place together for fear they may run into eachother like the other two guys did that i dated last time i was in this country?”
    “yes, pick me they are both good”
    “just pick one? like that?”
    “well aunties its not like i can just walk into a store and pick a husband, besides when the right one comes along it will happen dont worry”
    “yes, but you are now old”

    so as a 27year old i am officiall, in their eyes, over the hill and should be grateful of ANY or WHAEVER man proposes next haha.

    • oh susi. yea we’re in the same boat. as i was telling dale, my mom could care less. she wants me to stay single forever… which is totally weird, but then again, she enjoys….

      My parents are happy i didn’t accept any of the invitations from prior boyfriends, so they aren’t stressing at all. Although I often feel that a grandchild might take a little pressure off of me – but i’d just give my mom one more thing to be paranoid about. hah

  5. “I worked at chuck e cheese for 4 years.”

    Well, thanks for the laugh. Although my days are generally peppered with chuckles, that was more of a hearty one. I just cannot understand what the hell you were thinking!

    Hopefully, you got a Chuck mascot head out of the experience.

  6. not once in my life have i ever been able to keep a cactus alive for more than 3-5 months.

    i honestly think i could totally mess up a kid in more interesting ways though. at least he wouldn’t end up limp, deflated and lifeless in a bowl of harsh gravel and dirt. or just maybe…

    • haha kevo. it would be nice though. if you could just chill a child in a pot and water it instead of having to buy all that nasty mashed food and what not. whats wrong with us? how can we kill cacti ? what are we doing wrong? you don’t have to do ANYTHING to it?

  7. Hey, don’t knock your mom for enjoying mowing, it’s my fav of work for at home too! In fact, along with cleaning up flower beds, I find it very relaxing. Vaccuuming has coincidentally enough, always been the only chore in the house that I’ve ever enjoyed doing. Now however, my floors are all linoleum so they get swept, not vaccuumed :(. Oh well, c’est la vie!

    As for the not married, you go girl, marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be! Been there, done that, kicked the jerk out! It’s much easier to have a boyfriend who has his own home, so that when he starts to get on my nerves, I can send him off home 😀

  8. As a non-breeder myself I completely understand the lack of desire to procreate. I have been married for 15 years and am only 32 (actually 40 but don’t like to tell people that.) Marriage is great but it’s all I can do to keep the dogs alive. Plants, forget it.

  9. Story of my life. I have been a bridesmaid a bazillion times and it’s getting a little old now. I cannot handle hearing “Maybe this time you will catch the bouquet and you will be neehhh-eexxxt” in that annoying sing-songy voice. Ya maybe. Eff.

    • wow, sounds like a lot of my commenters are feeling the love on this blog. thanks for stopping by ramona! and everything will come in due time. but my suggestion is, just go to the bathroom during the boquet toss. thats what i do. haha

  10. lmao. hysterical. i have no idea how to use my new lens. i am searching the internet for some tips. i will let you know what i find. meanwhile, i have a son…..about your age. if you are interested. thanks for stopping by. i will be back.

    • yes margie. thanks for stopping by! i took some pics at a baby shower that turned out pretty good, but definately alot to learn – in the focusing arena. and i don’t think i realized how much I’d have to back up with that lens you know? things are definitely close. i def. like the bokeh, for sure, but i have alot to learn.
      wait, did you just try to set me up with your son? hahaha.

  11. he’s nice! that’s all you had to say about your man is that he’s nice! my 145lb dog is nice! now things are becoming clearer!

    • haha. dana. i haven’t seen the lady in 10 years, and she’s half senile. i’m not going to go into all the details of something she doesn’t need to know, nor will she remember 5 mins later. i was trying to END the conversation. haha.

  12. To date, I have only been to one wedding and zero baby showers. I chalk that up to a major victory.

    I’ve got another decade for this marriage business. Thankfully I avoided any stupid marriages and illegitimate children to this point. Despite my grandma consistently bugging me for great grandchildren. Damn her.

  13. This was such a funny story for me, I can certainly imagine how it might have been slightly annoying for you. I think my favorite thing about your blog is the dialogues, especially the ones between you and your mother 🙂 I added you to my blog roll and have been telling my friends too.

  14. Hey, I’m around alot of “committed” people too … well only during visiting hours!

    You know they say that if you talk to your plants and give them a positive message, it’ll help them grow. Maybe you didn’t kill the cactus … maybe it read your blog and committed suicide!

  15. Pingback: That Time I Didn't Go To Barcelona On A Toy Plane | Blunt Delivery

  16. Pingback: Here's The Thing About Men | Blunt Delivery

  17. My grandmother used to hound me too. She was married at 18.
    Lots of friends and relatives I know are divorced now after the huge wedding and tying the knot so young I suspect. I’m only 28, but everyone back in my home town is getting married and popping out rug rats. There so much more in your youth to enjoy. Damn these stupid societal expectations… lame. Glad I got away from the mid-west to the Pac NW where, it seems, that anything goes and getting married yound is NOT the norm. I feel weird that I’ve only been out of the country a few times, your lucky to have traveled so far physically and introspectively.

    • ginny – wow, thank you for your comment! a fellow midwesterner… and we’re almost the same age, by one year! sounds like we have a lot in common. yea, i agree though, everywhere else i go it is NOT the norm to be married with kids by this age… but all my friends are definitely at that stage already! UGH.

  18. Pingback: Marriage: This Is What It Boils Down To

  19. Pingback: Or Is She A Light Sleeper Too?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.