September 30, 2009

Fievel Goes West: Substitute Fievel For Blunt

in Confessions

[written whilst in the middle of the desert]

Well.  If it wasn’t confirmed by my first trip to New Mexico four years ago, it is definitely a fact that I am allergic to the Southwest.  My body has rejected it in every possible way.  Not in the same way it rejects mayonnaise, but in the way that it rejects the voice of Neil Diamond, where essentially everything shuts down and stages a protest.  I’m sorry if I make so many Neil Diamond references, but it’s the quickest way I know how to convey feelings of hatred,  loathing, and utter disappointment.

As I’m writing this in my composition notebook [obviously, cus I'm a total notebook snob], I am staring at the vast expanse of orangish rocks and dried up bushes that is the New Mexican landscape, while trying to ignore this altitude sickness and the fact that my nose is so dry that it refuses to breathe.  Even transportation via car is miserable, considering the bumpy, mountainous roads and my propensity for motion sickness. My hair is currently in a braid, but not in the figurative sense that you’ve come to expect.  Quite literally, my hair is in braids. Why? Well, what I can tell you with absolute certainty that it has nothing to do with my desire to appease or fit in with Native American culture, rather it has everything to do with the fact that my $150 straightener was broken in half during transit.

P.S. Have you ever seen my dad’s hair? Well, let’s just say that I have inherited more from him than just his sensitive stomach, lack of coordination, and irresistible charm. It’s quite the package.

new-mexico

[TMI: there was a point and time when I was wearing everything in the airport gift shop, including the T-shirt covered in chili peppers that said "Juan in a million," while I was riding that Navajo horse in the background]

And while we’re on the subject of trips, have we discussed flying yet? Oh, we haven’t? That’s probably because I love it as much as I loved getting peed on after that jellyfish attack.  Not saying that necessarily happened, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t have to in order for me to know that I didn’t like it.

On the flight back to my beloved Midwest, it was a bumpy ride.  Thatswhatshesaid. There were high winds and turbulence the whole way. I was busy writing, when I heard an announcement over the loudspeaker.  Immediately assuming that they are informing us of impending death or that we’ve been hijacked, I rip my iPod from my ears so I can prepare myself properly.  Preparing myself properly, of course, would involve nothing but alot of crying, praying/pleading, sweating, and grabbing the neighboring passenger’s leg.

I hear the Stewardess [except it was a dude, so Stewarder?] say the following:

Stewarder: Please draw your attention to the large circular formations on the ground below us.

Me: [thinking]  Great.  Alien formations? I KNEW there was something to that Donahue episode I watched in 1988.  Terrorist camps? Missile launching sites? Or is this just the plot of soft land we’re supposed to aim for when we are thrust out of the burning plane?

Stewarder:  Those are pizza farms. [obligatory laughter from any coherent passengers]

Me: Are you fricken serious right now?

I’m gonna go ahead and take this opportunity to grab the loudspeaker and make an announcement of my own: NOTHING is funny when I’m suspended 40,000 feet in the air. Especially not from you, creepy flight attendant guy who handed me very questionable peanuts.  Cus really, from the looks of things, I wouldn’t be surprised if you turned out to be the one who hijacks us later.

That’s enough about that. Adios!

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{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }

Granny Annie October 1, 2009 at 6:15 am

Reply

I’m pretty sure I’ve ask you this before but I can’t remember your answer. “Do you drink when you write?”

blunt delivery October 1, 2009 at 12:58 pm

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granny – anything and everything that is available to me. that includes anything but milk. haha, jk. actually, i write exactly how my mind works – which tends to be a bit scattered!

danielle – I LOVE COLORADO. i have family there. i do enjoy the no humidity, it’s just hard to get used to at first. and um, i was too busy throwing up to stop by and have a drink… my bad!

linlah- aw, thanks. it could very well be the canon! i’m a nikon girl.

tim – well thank you so much, you are too kind! and i’d love to photograph any religious life event you should decide to have!

candice – yes. just give me a minute.

Danielle October 1, 2009 at 10:18 am

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Um, I live in colorado and love that WE have BLUE skies and NO humidity. Unlike the brown skies in the midwest with a huge hint of humidity that frizzes out my naturally straight hair.
So tell me why you didn’t stop by Colorado and have a beer with me/

linlah October 1, 2009 at 12:30 pm

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Fabulous photography. I can’t shoot people for the life of me. Something about having to make a connection and I fail at that, miserably or maybe it’s that I use a Canon. pun intended.

Timoteo October 1, 2009 at 12:39 pm

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Ah, ye midwesterners are so saturated with the humidity (that adds a lot of extra water weight, ya know) that when ya come to the desert ya can’t deal with the dry, invigorating air! (By the way, I hope ya didn’t buy that hat.)

Just checked out your photo blog, and you are quite talented, my dear. Getting a baby to pose like that is like getting him to change his own diaper. I’ll hire you to photograph my next bar mitzvah…but since I lean Buddhist, I don’t know when that will be.

Candice October 1, 2009 at 12:41 pm

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So, did anything good happen at ALL?! And I kinda dig the braids. AND Fievel, awesome.

yorksnbeans October 1, 2009 at 2:15 pm

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I gather you were glad to get back home!

blunt delivery October 2, 2009 at 12:04 pm

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yorks – phew. me three.

jen – i knew you’d see things my way. and um I’d NEVER abandon my ridiculousness. it’s just SLIGHTLy more serious. which doesn’t mean much.

skye – AHHHHHH!!! reunion. quick. and uh, yea, you can’t really get mad at ME for disappearing….

knucklehead – i was wondering where your site went!? i luuuuurve it!! i know how much work goes into redoing everything.

Jen October 1, 2009 at 2:49 pm

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I hate the desert as well. The dryness and all those cacti really get to me. You are getting serious on us? I hope this doesn’t mean you are abandoning your wild side.

Skye October 1, 2009 at 4:09 pm

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Welcome back my Dear, I’ve missed you! (hmmmm perhaps I should be welcoming myself back as I haven’t been around much either…lol)

Cheers

Knucklehead! October 1, 2009 at 6:33 pm

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Hey, BD. Don’t know if I’ve filled you in on this (I lose track so easily) but this is Chris from M-ville. Got a new site, http://www.knuckleheadhumor.com. Come on over!

And I totally share your loathing of Neil Diamond. Horrific. He’s Satan with a microphone.

Mr Condescending October 1, 2009 at 7:01 pm

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Aw I have a photo blog too, I must see yours! I’m glad you can verify that those orangey rocky landscapes are not anything spectacular like we have.

Juan in a million, I love that!

Oh how I missed you.

blunt delivery October 2, 2009 at 12:06 pm

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mr. c – well aren’t we just two photo taking star crossed lovers. and oh, i missed you SO much more. dont’ argue with me on this.

laura – you’re a darling! if i can entertain just ONE person in this world, my ridiculous life is worth it.

kevo – THANKS! yea, i figured that with that cute of a baby people would just HAVE to say they liked the pics regardless. i’m quite underhanded. if i ever do go to Colorado again i will def look you up!

kevo October 2, 2009 at 8:52 am

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first off, welcome back to the blagosphere! and your shots up so far as pretty darn jazzy. what soulless demon wouldn’t melt from seeing that drooling blue eyed baby? and yes, do come out to colorado. it’s just really kick ass out here.

Bearman October 2, 2009 at 10:28 am

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So I am supposed to comment on 2 of your sites that you won’t respond to. Great.

I noticed in your pricing info it says it will be available once the site goes live. Is it not live already??

Oh and do you have rights to that song you used?

blunt delivery October 2, 2009 at 12:08 pm

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bearman – i thought that you deserved your own post because your comment was so full of angst.

1. why you always gotta bust me out on my misspelling of words / not responding? i have a busy life bearman.

2. the site is not live, that is just my blog that accompanies the site.

3. oh, and no i don’t. just like every other photographer in the world that uploads mp3s on their site doesn’t have the rights to it either. are you looking for a round about way to sue me bearman!? i knew you couldnt’ be trusted

Blunt Delivery October 3, 2009 at 3:36 pm

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@ blunt delivery:

1. I don’t want someone coming here to get a writer only to find a mispeller. I do it out of love.

2. Well maybe you should have said that in the first place.

3. No I am still waiting for someone to upload my song “oops that wasn’t just a fart” so I can get some royalties.

Bearman October 3, 2009 at 8:01 pm

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Hey did I get edited??

Susi Spice October 5, 2009 at 3:28 am

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i have missed reading everyones blogs ive been so busy at work lately i dont get time to visit :(

yay for travel!! the hat..girl das gots ta go!

but u are so talented!! its awesome very envious! hehe :)
hugs!!

Susi Spice October 5, 2009 at 3:29 am

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PS ive also being busy because ive started up a charity :D

Australians Developing Futures – El Salvador ADFES. got business cards and everything.
:)

George October 5, 2009 at 11:39 pm

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I believe I’m gonna walk the next time I visit Virginia. It shouldn’t take me any longer than three or four months. You always have a knack for making me distrustful of air travel. :)

Carissajaded October 6, 2009 at 9:07 pm

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So.. I think you just gained yourself a new stalker! I am also a hater of Neil Diamond. As much as you are not a fan of New Mexico, I really hope you purchased that coon skin hat. Its all kinds of amazing.

steve October 7, 2009 at 2:45 pm

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Well flying is never fun and dont you hate when stewards or stewardess think oh no big deal….hate them…..NM sounds ok …sorry to hear about your motion sickness thing….and your hatred of neil diamond and getting peed on and your bad experience with the pizza farmers…and your braids…..hmmmmmm well thanks for making me smile at least…..zman sends with sympathy…

Hip Hop Hippie October 8, 2009 at 10:39 am

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You are one SEXY bitch. And I just tooted this was so funny. (that looks weird typed out, but it’s a major compliment, proms) And ho lee crap, congrats on the new blog! Cannot wait! Yeehaw!

mama-face October 9, 2009 at 9:57 am

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LOL. I have to travel to New Mexico often for familial reasons. Not to be overly dramatic, but I consider N.M. to be hell on earth. Lucky you; you get to fly. We drive. 18 stinking hours. I’d take crop circles over that anytime.
(Stewarder…haha)

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