June 29, 2009

Don’t Matter If You’re Black Or White – Just Pick One

in Confessions, Family Matters

No, this isn’t a tribute to Michael Jackson.  Hi, you must be new here.  Pleasure to meet you; although I hate the word “pleasure” and refuse to use it accept over internet introductions.

As mentioned, last Thursday was my much unanticipated and begrudged birthday.  Although I didn’t exactly get what I wanted - which was another year of my life back, to be wildly successful, and to have a never ending supply of buffalo wings and Edys peach pie ice cream [which much to my utter horror I have discovered is a limited edition] – the world did suffer a loss of tragic proportions with the passing of it’s King of Pop and Fair-Feathered Farrah.  I like to think I got even.  But don’t think I’m without compassion for the rest of you.

michael_jacksonyoung-1Dear World,

You seem to be freaking out a bit. Do you need to borrow some of my mom’s Xanacs?  Cus they’ve certainly come in handy during the past ten few years of my life.  And I could definitely hook you up with some. I know where she hoards hides them.

Just asking ‘cus I care,

Blunt.

P.S. Sorry I had a birthday. 

Speaking of Michael Jackson, my parents were at my house when “the news” surfaced.  My mom, a long time supporter of Michael, was beside herself. She didn’t quite collapse in the same fashion as Elizabeth Taylor, but nonetheless, she was stunned.

Me: I just got like 8 texts saying that Michael Jackson died.

Mom: JACKSON?  What?  That can’t be right. 

Me:  No, I just checked the computer, he’s definitely dead.

Mom:  You’ve got to be kidding me?  HOW?  When?  WHERE?!? 

Me:  MOM

Mom:  Mmmm… that’s sooooo sad.  So talented.  Nobody could entertain like him.  Well, Elvis.  Except him.  Michael and Elvis.  Ugh….and he died too early too. 

Dad:  But he was so weird.

Mom:  He was a tortured soul, Denny.

Dad:  He molested little boys.

Mom:  He was really messed up.  And he had an awful childhood.  Besides, you don’t know that for sure.

Dad:  Sherri, they found boys’ underware all over his house.

Mom:  Well, that’s true.  I forgot about that.

Me: So did you make me a pie or what?

P.S.  Michael,  I’d like to just say that I’m sorry for that Halloween blog I wrote last year, where I used a close up of your face and said something to the effect of “count your blessings.”  I’m not sure exactly what it said, but it was definitely out of my normal good character and sound judgement.  So just for that, I did fashion a tribute of sorts.  And this is how I shall choose to remember you, always.

michael-jackson-greatest-performances

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{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }

Susi Spice June 29, 2009 at 3:28 am

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arrgghh i hate creative contests i never win!
but here’s my attempt. You could call the category:

1. “I love Lisa Show”
2. “me, myself and Lisa”
3. “Lisa and the Centennial Tales of Life”
4. “Blunt’n’Lisa: The Escapades”
5. “Blunt’n’Lisa: Once Upon a Time”

well that’s it for me hehe. hope u good chicky. look forward to ready these stories!!!

blunt delivery June 29, 2009 at 3:48 am

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oh susi, i love you aussies and how your schedules are opposite of ours. you’re my only companion at such a lonely hour. sigh.

mmm. well those are some good ones. i like me, myself and lisa! thanks!

yorksnbeans June 29, 2009 at 6:16 am

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I’m not sure who Lisa is, but from the pic I would choose:

1. My Twin Lisa

or possibly this one could do:

2. Lisa You Fool(oops…that’s me)

That’s the best I could come up with before my morning coffee. Yes, I actually came here before making coffee.

blunt delivery June 29, 2009 at 7:28 pm

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yorks – you know, oddly, i didn’t even realize we looked so much alike til y’all started pointing it out. you came here before coffee? wow. that is major. hhahaha, lisa, you fool.

bear – lisa boob report… HIGH-larious.

brandon – what the crap!? that was so totally lame. for someone who claims to be a “whitty diatribe” i dont see any whittiness diatribing around here.

Bearman June 29, 2009 at 7:26 am

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“which was another year of my life back”

Wish granted. Yet we are putting it back on the tail end of your life when you won’t remember.

As far as the Lisa title goes. My submission given your picture and name placement is the

LISA BOOB REPORT

Brandon June 29, 2009 at 8:10 am

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I was DEVASTATED that Michael Jackson died… and stole your spotlight on your birthday. I know how much you love celebrating getting older.

And I’ve got nothing for the Lisa thing. It’s way too early to function.

Candice June 29, 2009 at 8:46 am

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How about “Two Hot Bitches Take Over the World”? Cuz it’s true. mrrrrrow.

Or Larks with Lisa?
Lisa Larks?
Lisa Legends?

i give up.

blunt delivery June 29, 2009 at 7:33 pm

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candice – lisa legends… i’m liking it. whats with everyone and the b*tches comments? is this a not-so-subliminal message?

awesome – my mom always comes bearing pies. hey, a celebrity name… thats pretty good. BLISA was spotted at starbucks yesterday, cus that is the only place in their town. …BRISA. …LITTENY. oh, the options are endless.

mama- RIGHT? farrah got the short end of the death stick in this situation. Risky adventures of randomness. … did i just accidentally come up with an amazing name and not realize it?

I'm Awesome June 29, 2009 at 10:05 am

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HAHAHAHA!!! Lisa Boob Report!!
I can totally picture the above mentioned convo with your parents. But, to ask the serious, did she bake you a pie or what? If so, what kind? If the answer is peach, why am I not at your house eating some?

Maybe you and Lisa should have your own Celebrity name? Lunt? oh, well, that one could actually take a pretty downward spiral fast. Blisa. Bisa. The follies of Bisa. The Bisa Chronicles. Lisa and your mother: for your entertainment. The opportunities are endless really.

Seriously though….. Where’s the pie?

I'm Awesome June 29, 2009 at 10:06 am

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BTW, MJ looks like Cruella DeVille in that last photo. I mean that in the most respectful way possible.

mama-face June 29, 2009 at 10:07 am

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What’s wrong with Risky Adventures of Randomness or (insert your real or fake names here)? I would read that. I will read anything you write so I’m probably not the best judge, but still.

How great is freedom of the press when news channels can and will devote an entire day to MJ? I feel kind of bad for Farrah; talk about being cheated out of your day. And what about Billy Mays? This is sheer madness. Stop dying all you celebrities.

Brandon June 29, 2009 at 10:25 am

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Unlike mama-face, I encourage more deaths among celebrities. I can provide a list, if you like.

MVD June 29, 2009 at 1:38 pm

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For craps sake, Brit, are you sharing DNA with this woman? She looks like a long-lost sister.

OK, how about these category titles:
a) Bitches Brew
b) Bitch Box
c) Breaking Locks on the Bitch’s Box
c) Estrogen Encounters
e) Bars, Broads, and Boobs
f) Lechery, Lust, and Lisa

And on the topic of good ol’ MJ and his Neverland world of dreams, why were the below conversations EVER taking place among certain parents:

Dad: Honey, where are the kids?
Mom: Oh, there’s at Michael Jackson’s place. Can you pick them up tomorrow morning?
Dad: (relieved) Cool. No problem at all.

blunt delivery June 29, 2009 at 7:36 pm

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mvd – as usual, i need a moment to digest what you’ve said. Ok, i’m back. did you just say “craps sake” cus that was hilarious. again, i didn’t even realize we shared dna until you all mentioned it. what could be better than two of me?! oh and seriously on the parents shipping kids off to neverland. i think they were just out to make a quick buck at the detriment of their children’s well being.

um, so whats with all the b*tches options here? haha estrogen encounters, thats pretty good. bitch box, nice. i like boobs. thats been suggested a couple times. i like lust too. hmmm…

steve June 29, 2009 at 3:42 pm

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Not a huge M Jackson fan, sad though he died too young….

How about

Lisa- A blunted life or Lisa a Life Lived!!

Zman sends

blunt delivery June 29, 2009 at 7:37 pm

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steve- yea i wasn’t a HUGE fan either. legend schmegend.

jen – yea, he usually does

Jen aka Pinky June 29, 2009 at 6:54 pm

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mvd has it wrapped up.

Candice June 29, 2009 at 7:28 pm

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dammit, MVD wins. i’d go with F.

Susi Spice June 29, 2009 at 10:57 pm

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it seems I am the only one who doesnt assimilate blunty with bitchiness…? hmm? true blunty true what is with all the bitch things!?

well im always here for ya chica.. always at work…working so hard… loyally working away hard… so whens the next post coming cause im bored.. hehe. j.k!

blunt delivery July 2, 2009 at 3:16 am

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susi- thank u susi… for seeing through all my bitchiness and realizing that i’m just a chocolatey mess of niceness.

Theresa – thanks! yea i got some rather good suggestions. of course, i have come to expect nothing less as i have such astute readers.

Chris June 30, 2009 at 12:54 pm

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The Evil Twin Chronicles would be my suggestion.

Theresa June 30, 2009 at 6:31 pm

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Hope you had a great birthday. Wahoo! I’m not good at coming up with category names. Looks like Mike is pretty good at it though. However, I think anything with the word “shenanigans” is pretty awesome. Like totally. Good Luck with the new categories. Can’t wait…

Christina Bledsoe June 30, 2009 at 7:53 pm

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Sorry that your birthday had to be filled with breaking news which then rendered wickedly sad souls all day :( I can totally imagine the same conversation you had with your parents going on in a lot of homes across the world. Poor guy. May he RIP.

blunt delivery July 2, 2009 at 3:18 am

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yes christina, it was truly tragic. of course, considering how much i do loathe birthdays… it felt comforting to have the rest of the world lament the day as well.

suldog. UGH. dry? are you parched or what? do you need to borrow centennial’s drink?

mvd… hahaa. i have no freaking clue who this guy was, but he was HIGH larious. he kept making black jokes all night and other things, which i’ll disclose later.

Jen June 30, 2009 at 10:08 pm

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I’m sure you still have burning candles going on your Wacko Jacko shrine. It’s been all tears and marathon “Thriller” listening sessions at our house since the untimely demise. Actually, there’s been a lot of screaming and throwing random things at the television out of frustration in having to see and listen to that life size muppet 24/7 for the past week.
As far as the new heading title, how about “Girls Gone Wild?” That might promise more than you would like to offer. So, I’ve got nothing.

Suldog July 1, 2009 at 3:36 pm

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No category names, unfortunately. I’m coming up dry. The only thing I can think of when I look at the photo, however, is “Three People, One Drink, Let The Battle Begin!”

MVD July 1, 2009 at 6:47 pm

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So…….
Am I the only clueless dolt in the room who’s never heard of Centennial?

Or is the guy your neighbor? Or an ex-boyfriend? The man’s is virtually OFF the internet.

Blake July 1, 2009 at 10:33 pm

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So Farrah dies and goes to heaven. God meets her at the front gate and thanks her for living a good life. God informs her that because of her good life He will grant her one wish. She tells God that her only wish is for the children of the world to all be safe. At that exact moment… Michael Jackson dies.

Sorry Britteny but you already know how I feel about this. Anyway, as far as names for your upcoming Lisa campaign. I was thinking something like…

“Two Girls, One Centennial”
“A Sexy Saunter”
“A Blunt Titillation”
“Great Scott! Did that really happen?”

That’s all I have for now, I’ll let you know when I come up with more.

blunt delivery July 2, 2009 at 3:20 am

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oh blake and your MJ jokes. forreals. but i am diggin some of those suggestions. i am at the mercy of the votes, however.

linlah… loosely lisa… that one might go downhill pretty fast. haha. you give up?! what the freak?

linlah July 2, 2009 at 12:30 am

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your tribute to michael was a pleasure to read. as for lisa stories: loosely lisa
literally lisa

and i got nothing and i give up too.

Timoteo July 2, 2009 at 11:08 pm

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How about: “I’m Not Lisa” (with an arrow pointing at you)

or: “The Martian Chronicles”

George July 8, 2009 at 11:51 am

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Category Names: “Lass But Not Lisa”, “The Log of Lisa”?

Sorry, but that’s the best I can come up with on long notice. My meds haven’t kicked in yet. May I try yours?

blunt delivery July 8, 2009 at 1:51 pm

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ugh. george… lass but not lisa… thats GOOD! maybe i’ll make an executive decision

The Constant Complainer July 8, 2009 at 9:07 pm

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Blunt Delivery, I’m back. I apologize for being away from your blog for a few days. I was out of town for work. I’m trying to catch up on your posts this evening.

Regarding MJ, I’m sad he’s gone, but I’m sick and tired of it being the lead story on every single news outlet. I’d like to mourn him in my own way. I’m sorry it ruined your birthday.

blunt delivery July 9, 2009 at 2:55 am

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hey constant!!! good to have you back. i’ve been crappy lately too, not on the web too much. super busy with projects. i concur, the world has gone a bit crazy over this mj stuff though

Robin July 26, 2009 at 2:16 pm

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I don’t have any suggestions for your new category…..why?……because…..

But I have enjoyed those that have been offered…..
:-)

KimmieilyMJJ1958 January 2, 2010 at 11:03 am

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No hes not a kiddie touching freak!!

People like you just fucked Michael Jackson up!

Think without all the people like you maybe he would still be alive!!

I mean think about it Without the lies and rumors he would still be
alive and that kid “Evan chandler. Lied about it i mean its pretty
fucking weird after Michael Jackson’s death Evan Chandler’s dad kill’s
himself!

that just proves he couldn’t live with the guilt!

So Believe whatever the fuck you want but i will always know Michael Jackson did Nothing wrong because he was a kid at heart!
Your a stupid troll!

Why the fuck do you care who i like and no your so fucking wrong he had vitiligo!

!OMG WTF no hes not

ii cant believe you said Michael Jackson molested those kids!!

ii mean really do you have some kind of prof or anything or… what??

do you actually listen to the media???

Yes,
i’ll admit he was weird but he was kickass, amazing, he could sing rap,
beat-box, draw, kiss really good. everything he was like fucking goD!
and the only reason he was in debt, was because he gave money to
charities. and he spent it all the time.

ii mean ii know what your
thinking if he did he wouldn’t say it, but in fact he would say it if
he did it, but he didn’t you know like when he was on “drugs”​ a.k.a.
proscription​ and everything??​

ii mean he went through so fucking much and people like that made him the way he was.

like all the ass-faces called him “jacko”​

shit like that made him the way he was and his fucking raisin dad made him like that too!!

and ii know your thinking no he wouldn’t admit it, but actually yeah… he would.

ii
mean everything he did bad he would say it, and do you watch the news
the 1st kid said he didn’t do anything and People are disgusting,
honestly.

I’ve argued with so many people over the fact that it is disgusting, disrespectfu​l, etc to even joke about that shit

ESPECIALLY since he is dead

If they didn’t like him, and actually believed that he molested any children then they should get over it and not even bother…

I don tthink he did anything :///

i
know, and i really don’t think he screwed a kid, you know the who thing
about that, i just think he never wanted to grow up i think he just
wanted to act like a kid

and have sleep-overs like… why would he
molest a cancer patient? he was just a lost soul and society cant
comprehend that he contributed so much to the world… and he donated
and helped SO many people ii mean do you actually think he would, with all the success he had he would go and do that??
he didn’t do anything, to those kids or he would have admitted it, and you know it to!!

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