Here’s The Thing About Men

So I had a crush.  A big one.  I remember, it was third grade… and it was bad.

To keep things easy and confidential we’ll call him Norm.  Not to imply, by any means, that this young lad was normal… because he was not. This is also not to imply that he was anything special… because he was not.  Norm was just, Norm.  And I liked him.

One crisp, autumn afternoon, during a cut throat game of tag, Norm snuck up behind me and pulled my hair.  Actually, Norm is a horrible name.  Let’s call him Johnny.  So Johnny pulled my hair. Of course, my auto-retaliation response to such an attack was to thrust him face-first into a spinning merry-go-round.  Years later, I would realize that in third grade, when a boy throws a grasshopper at you or pulls your hair, they are not a threat to your very safety. They might just want to take you on a date to the sandbox.

My apologies, Norm.

Needless to say, this incident was a dual-sided foreshadowing.  It was a glimpse, if you will, of the plethora of not-so-normal chaps that I would find myself becoming unexplainably attracted to in the future.  Also, it would be the first in a very lengthy succession of realizations of this kind.  When I say “of this kind” I mean, precisely, those of the opposite sex.

Me:  Johnny hates me, I can just tell.  UGH, I like him so muuuuuuuuuuch.

Friend:  Why do you think he hates you?

Me: He pulled my hair and threw dirt at me.

Friend:  So, he pulled your hair AND threw dirt?  Well, he likes you then.

Me: Huh?  What kind of shoddy way of flirting is that?

Friend: I know for a fact that he does, cus he told Sammy he liked you.  So now you have to tell him you like him.  Or better yet, write him a note.

Me: Mmm.  I don’t know.  Sounds kind of risky.  I mean, I still think you’re waaaay off on this whole flirting thing.

Friend:  Trust me.

Me: Well, what if I go to tell him and then I chicken outOr my lips go numb? Or I lose the ability to speak?  Or I suddenly have a seizure? Or if I write the note, what if I go to hand it to him and the teacher intercepts it?  Or what if he gets it and doesn’t like me? Or what if he shows it to all the other boys and I become the laughing stock of the world?  Or what if …

And right there, a lifetime of over-analyzation began.

I guess I’ve been as confused by men over the years as they have been by me.  And let me tell you, I’m pretty confusingI make absolutely zero sense. I might go as far as to say that I make negative sense. If you’ve read this blog for more than one day, you need no further explanation on that point.   The problem with women is not finding what we want, the issue is knowing what we want in the first place.  And as soon as we think we know… DING, DING, DING…try again you poor ignorant soul!


What Women Really Want

Why I Hate Women: Oh Let Me Count The Ways

So You’re Telling Me That You’re Not MARRIED?!

A Boy, Not Yet A Woman

44 thoughts on “Here’s The Thing About Men

  1. That’s the kind of thing boys do to show they like you…but what do girls do? I always misinterpret the signals and end up with those pesky restraining orders!
    Missed you, by the way.

  2. aw, shucks tim. thanks! yea, um, well, it depends on the girl. some girls will just flat out ignore you. I tend to do that – i have NO CLUE why. Or some girls will be blatently obvious. I’m not one to understand women, myself, so I can’t help too much with that.

  3. Oh so true my sister! I can’t even figure out what I want. Let alone knowing what I want the guy to know what I want. See, that’s even confusing. Argh! Wonderful blog!

  4. Somehow, hair pulling and dirt throwing turns to bra strap snapping which then morphs into drink buying, drunk dialing, and outright attempts at the 1am booty call.

    And once you’re married, everything defers to the remote control.

  5. “So Johnny pulled my hair. Of course, my auto-retaliation response to such an attack was to thrust him face-first into a spinning merry-go-round.”

    So what this foreshadows is your constant inability to notice when a “nice, normal” guy is attracted to you thus sabotaging any relationship. Yet crackheads you have no problem showing the love.

  6. Hey, I’ll be the first to agree with the fact that you women are confusing. Just tell us what you want, dammit! I mean, not that we’ll give it to you, but at least you’ll have a fightin’ chance.

    • see chris? thats what i’m talking about. its a vicious cycle. you won’t give us what we want even if you do know what it is. so we’re just difficult by accident, but y’all are that way intentionally… mmm hmmm

  7. You have given me another reason to LOVE your blog! This was too funny and so damn TRUE! Your blog is freakin’ awesome and I am glad you signed our Blog Roll so I could meet you! (Dang, another blog to subscribe to!)

    ~Christie (one of The BlogRollers)

  8. You do realize that the female race is going to turn on you for exposing and admitting to their craziness, right? We’re not supposed to know that you’re all crazy, and anytime we even imply it you’re supposed to freak out on us like it’s some baseless accusation. And now it’s all out the window. I’m not complaining though, it’s something I knew all along.

    • brandon… i believe my gender turned on me a LONG time ago. along with half of the people i’ve ever known, considering at some point, they’ve become fodder for this very blog.

  9. we may be confusing…but at least the way women flirt…it’s pretty straight…it’s after they get us into a relationship that everything gets fubared…..

  10. Not all women are crazy we just seem that way sometimes. The best defense is figuring out what we want before we do. Easier said than done.
    You were a precocious little kid, “shoddy flirting.” I didn’t start using those words until at least puberty hit.

  11. I was the kinda guy who so obtuse that I couldn’t tell if you liked me even if you showed up at my door wearing nothing but some leg warmers and a class ring. I’d probably just hand you the headband to match and go watch tv. I’m gotten better now. Now, I’d at least invite you in to watch tv. 🙂

    • oh george, ME TOO!! i mean, hello, you can tell from the dialogue that i’m definitely not a risk taker, even when there is seemingly no risk. i’m very un-aggressive. A flashing neon sign would be helpful.

  12. Stopping over from the blogrollers! This is funny – I remember being chased and then I remember boys throwing worms in my hair … i don’t think they liked me at all! lol

  13. so when I was in the 3rd grade and I had the biggest guy on this guy named Guy… Guy actually really liked me when he would chase me and try to hit me with a football as if i was the only dodge ball player in the school… ah the santuary of the girls toilet… bastard….

    • susi-seriously. what was it with the guys in “gym class” or recess? it’s like, hello, i’d leave with bruises and welts all over my bodies. do they not realize we’re freaking delicate?!?!

  14. As always, a great post.

    In elemtary school, one day a female classmate walked up (unprovoked) and kicked me right in the family jewels. It hurt like a SOB and I still wince to this day when thinking about it. Although a reverse from what you described above, I would have taken the hair pull in a second!

    I hope you had a wonderful Memorial Day.

  15. constant – thanks! family jewels… hmm.. back then, i didn’t realize that would probably have been a better option than the merry -go-round. … blame it on the innocence of youth i guess.

  16. y’know what, I never understood this science at all. I asked my hubby why boys take the harsh step to show their affection and all he said was “cause we’re trying to get your attention!” – Yeah what a good logic that was. No wonder we never understand each other 🙂

  17. Your story brings back memories of my third grade crush(es). Me chasing boys, boys chasing me. If we only had a clue what to do when we caught(better that we didn’t know).
    The boy that I had a major crush on in third grade decided to wait to have a crush on me the summer of our senior year in high school. At that point I wasn’t interested anymore. He was still very cute but he had a really weird pinky toe:)

    Thanks for the stroll down memory lane!

    Have a great day!

    • cindy – oh my goodness – i had the same thing happen. the guy that inspired this story didn’t ask me out until college!!! we dated for two weeks and it was creepy and then broke up. haha.

      can’t let the friendship window pass you by

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