February 15, 2010

More Things I Hate: Valentine’s Day, Racists And Adult Acne

in Confessions, Family Matters

Really? Did I just have to throw around the “R” word to get your attention? That’s sad. Sad because I have been gone for so long that I feel like I have to throw a dramatic title at you in order to peak your interest, and sad because that just might be true. Well, joke is on you cus this post isn’t about racists OR ACNE.

I’m currently writing this from my local Borders. I’ve got the Chess dweebs to my left, the girls who can’t figure out why he hasn’t called yet to my right, and a riveting, religious debate going on behind me. Why. Why do I do this to myself? Well, I’ve been finding it increasingly difficult to get the motivation to do anything at my house these days. There are many reasons why this could be: 1. the 4-inch memory foam, which renders it almost impossible for me to move once situated; 2. the endless supply of rice krispie treats and fruit snacks in my nightstand; 3. the permanently closed blinds that let in zero sunlight, thus removing all sense of space and time;  4. the looming presence of Valentine’s Day in the air; 5. or the depression I’ve been stuck in for the past year.  There’s no way of knowing for sure. But my point is, if you ever want another blog again in your precious little life, you’ll stop asking questions.

valentines-day-date1

Speaking of the overly-commercialized scam of a holiday, Valentine’s Day, this year my dad dropped off a bouquet of flowers along  with a bag of Xanax and a “don’t kill yourself” note from my mother. I’m hoping this information spares me from any grief I’ll be receiving from all of you on why I only wrote two blogs last month. I’ve already got to live with the fact that today I’ve already consumed: a McDonald’s #2, a cold Little Caesars pizza, a box of Junior Mints, Frosted Flakes, and a carton of 100 calorie pack fudge stripe cookies. It’s not even 3 pm yet, and I’ve still got The Bachelor to suffer through later.

Considering my dad is the one guy in my life I can always count on, I reached a logical conclusion to make him my Valentine this year. So I will now share a quick story with you that took place over this joyous holiday weekend.

[I'm at the mall with my parents]

MOM: Denny, we’re gonna look for some curtains. Why don’t you walk some laps for your cholesterol? You haven’t been working out.

DAD: Sure, that’s a good idea. I’ve been eating really bad lately.

[20 minutes later...]

ME: Hey, mom, is that dad up ahead of us?

MOM: Yea, I can see his bald spot.

ME: DAD!  Hey, dad!

MOM: He can’t hear you. He’s needs a hearing aid.
ME:  Wait, it looks like he’s eating something?

MOM: Well, what would he be eating? We’re about to go get dinner?

[I tap him on the shoulder and as he turns around, about five Fannie May wrappers fall out of his hand, which is holding a half-eaten pixie]

DAD: [looks at me, mid-chew] Crap.

So then, we walked into Panera to get some dinner:

DAD: Hey, wow. They have free Wi-Fi here. I didn’t know that.

ME: Yup, I guess they do.

DAD: That means we could have brought our laptops surfed the internet while we eat.

ME: Yes, yes it does.

DAD: Good to know for next time.

ME: But, you don’t have a laptop.

DAD: Well, it’d be pretty cool if I did. Maybe I will get one, you know, so I can use the free Wi-Fi.

Sigh. This is what I’m dealing with folks. Remember, I’m a product of these two parents - and surely, that counts for something. I hope all is well and none of you jumped off the nearest bridge last weekend. Cus really, at least wait until it’s warmer.

P.S. I updated my photography blog, Chumps. Check it out.

family-photographer-rockford-il2

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{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }

Mr C February 15, 2010 at 4:42 pm

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I remember a beavis and butthead episode where they have $1 and they go to the gas station to buy something. A gallon of gas is a dollar, but the clerk won’t let them buy it since there’s nothing to put it in, so he suggests they buy a scratch off ticket. They end up winning $1000, so they buy a $999 tractor in order to get the $1 of gas.

Your dads wireless story reminded me of that, heh.

V didn’t cheer you up the other day?

Hey get rid of the memory foam before I come over haha.

blunt delivery February 15, 2010 at 4:51 pm

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hey… i’ve missed you mr c!!! it was fabulous to meet V the other day. We were talking about how Lola is coming to chicago this summer… and that means all we need is you!!! um, could life get any cooler than that? please please please!

Janice February 15, 2010 at 5:05 pm

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I was hoping that somebody would post about their hatred of Valentine’s day, so that I didn’t have to.

blunt delivery February 18, 2010 at 12:44 pm

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janice- since when can’t you count on me to write a post about how much i hate something?! come on now.

jewels- AHHHHH i’ve missed you girl… i think your dad and my dad need to hang out. i’ve missed your completely random and ridiculous boy stories!

j- i don’t really have acne, but lets just say i better use the oil-free acne face wash or i might be in for a surprise. hey, you are WAY too nice and sweet and i have a hard time accepting compliments. I will snap out of this depression soon, but in the meantime you guys have helped me keep some sort of sanity, so thank you =)

Jewels February 15, 2010 at 5:08 pm

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Hey Stranger. V-Day is a tough one sometimes. Me – I had a guy tell me he was bringing flowers only to show up without…drunk.. … because “they were out at the grocery store” A. Bull shit B. Then don’t promise.

On the upside I have two bottles of wine at home that he brought in replacement. I guess he thought I’d drink them last night. I’m just smarter and saving them for my next date with someone else :)

There is nothing wrong with being single. Only what those jealous married people want us to believe is wrong with being single.

My dad always said the two happiest people in the world are
1. Single Women
2. Married Men.

J February 15, 2010 at 5:34 pm

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Adult Acne. Lord. I don’t have *acne* per se, but I’m still a slave to Proactive at 26 years old. Sigh. Double sigh.

Also, why are you depressed? That’s not right at all, because you are amazing and talented at both writing and photography. And I’m not just being a comment whore. You are FABULOUS. Just always remember that I think you’re fabulous, okay? And I lived in NEW YORK so I know TALENT.

…I also know how to step around an old guy on 1st Avenue who may or may not be dead. That’s what New York also taught me.

Hip Hop Hippie February 15, 2010 at 8:14 pm

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I totes feel you on the V Day hatred. I used to hate it with the force of a thousand suns. Now I don’t, but that’s only because I found the one man in LA who isn’t a douche-hole.

Sending you tons of love and telepathic chocolates.

blunt delivery February 18, 2010 at 12:48 pm

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hhh- i cannot be happier for you and your non-doucebag. forreals though, you deserve it =)

sandy – this comment had changed everything. because now, i’m in love … with YOU. that cracked me up.

pinky – duh, you better put that post back up asap. there’s nothing i love more than a good hate post. just makes me feel warm and fuzzy. there may or may not be something wrong with my emotional reactions. and that applies to almost everything.

sandyb February 15, 2010 at 8:28 pm

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Valentine’s Day blows hard. It’s supposed to be about LOVE and shit, but it gets all jumbled up into becoming a day that makes people feel miserable, whether you’re single or hooked up. If you’re single, like many of my friends are, it sucks because the whole day is catered to relationshipy stuff and having sex with one special person, which is totally overrated because everybody knows monogamy is just the government’s way of having to do less paperwork. It’s always about doing less paperwork. If you’re not single however, but think your relationship sucks wheatgrass, you have to walk around all day pretending you’re in love and shit and having people telling you how lucky you are to have someone… blah blah blah.

Moral of the story: EITHER WAY YOU’RE SCREWED.

I’m personally looking forward to Easter.

Jen / Pinky February 15, 2010 at 9:18 pm

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I walked over a bridge yesterday but my nose started running because I have a horrible sinus infection, so I opted to go take some nyquil instead.

Did you know that Junior Mints are my favorite food group?

Did you know that I wrote a post about how much I loathe V day, but I took it down because I felt like the worst hater in the world? I might put it back up now, because you’re the number one hater. I do love you.
I was in Austin, TX over the weekend and it took every ounce of strength in me to not consume mass quantities of tequila to numb my immense hatred of all things….::romance::….ick.

Jes February 15, 2010 at 9:37 pm

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Y’know, as a photographer, you really ought to know that its all about perspective. Cuz’ from where I stand, your life sounds heavenly! To lay around all day munching on junk-food and sleeping whenever you damn well please. . .mmmmm, glorious!

Seriously, tho? Valentine’s is a cheap commercial holiday, and it isn’t worth your despair. I mean that. This year is the FIRST one I’ve EVER celebrated in my life, and it was all for the sake of my two-year-old!

blunt delivery February 18, 2010 at 12:50 pm

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jes – i know i need some perspective these days. its just hard when you’re IN the depression to see it. but i know, deep down, i have nothing to be depressed about. that’s why its a tricky little disease. thanks for the encouragement!

v – hahaha. so good meeting you!!!!

rachel – i will never, ever understand your excitement over my posts… but i’m not gonna argue cus you make me feel like some kind of rock star of sorts. ;)

*uncorked February 15, 2010 at 10:03 pm

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That’s a slutty little glass of wine. I’m pretty sure I felt it up and put my lips on it as well.

Rachel February 16, 2010 at 7:59 am

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Ah.

My day is complete. It’s only 6:55am and nothing else that happens today matters, because I got to start my day off with a long-awaited post from Blunt! :)

So, step back from the ledge…and know you have at least a few followers who count on reading your stuff to get US through!! ;)

1) I also hate adult acne. I was looking forward to reading about your hatred of it as well. Ugh. Looks like I suffer alone ;).

2) Valentine’s Day…indeed lame. I am married, so I shouldn’t really “talk”….but, honestly, we didn’t do anything out of the ordinary. Went out for dirty Mexican food…but only really because that’s what we always do on Sunday nights. Oh, I guess we did have maragaritas since they were half price. Best idea, EVER. I need to start drinking more.

3)mmmmm Junior Mints……

4) Your parents, summed up in one word: AWESOME.

Danielle February 16, 2010 at 12:16 pm

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Depression and all, you are still funny as F**K! Missed you!

blunt delivery February 18, 2010 at 12:56 pm

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danielle – aw, that could be the sweetest, yet most quasi vulgar comment i’ve ever received! haha.

sherri – my parents are indescribably amazing. there are no words.

linlah – haha. it was after just a glass. but i thought i’d be boring without the angle. it is, afterall, just a glass.

sarah – ahhh….. constant complainer’s wifey?!? i’m just putting two and two together. nice to meet you! yea, 30 is coming right around the corner for me as well. don’t get me started. by the time i get out of this depression, i’m sure the thought of that will send me into another one.

Sherri February 16, 2010 at 2:42 pm

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Your parents sound adorable. Also, your room totally sounds like a pod from the show Solitary [4.0 is airing now]. I’d link you to something about the show if you don’t allow HTML then I’ll look like a fucking tard.

linlah February 17, 2010 at 1:49 am

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Love the tilty glass of wine but was that before or after the whole bottle.

Sarah February 17, 2010 at 9:02 am

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Valentines does get a lot of hype. I do enjoy it though because my husband always gets me flowers, which I love getting and having all over the house. And chocolates. And who doesn’t love chocolates. This one, my husband was stuck in VA because of bad weather, so it was really a sad one. But we don’t really ever do anything glorious for Valentines Day. Anniversaries and Birthdays are the big ones…and I know you hate birthdays, but have you ever celebrated the entire month? All month is for you! And this year I’m turning 30 so you better believe I’m celebrating being 29! Because I’m skipping 30, noone needs to know…except I just posted it. haha oh, and glad you didn’t kill yourself. :o)

The Constant Complainer February 17, 2010 at 7:22 pm

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I’m 35 and will get a massive zit if I don’t wash my face twice a day. LOL. I’ve missed your frequent posts, so I was glad to see some activity over here. Sorry for the tough Valentine’s Day. It’s just another day to us anymore. Like Sarah said, birthdays are the special days to us too.

blunt delivery February 18, 2010 at 12:57 pm

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constant – oddly enough, i hate birthdays. i don’t like the attention, much like compliments, it makes me feel awkward. i have issues. this we know.

michael – yea, i heard that story the other day. and uh, wow, that had to be ALOT of napkins.

jill – sigh. im not even gonnna get your hopes up, that will NEVER happen. haha

Michael February 17, 2010 at 11:20 pm

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I used to draw all my cartoons at coffee shops, just like the Harry Potter lady.

Hmmmm, there must be more to it than that.

just jill February 18, 2010 at 7:59 am

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Brit…you really need to pop out of bed at like 6AM and start blogging! :-)

Jen / Pinky February 19, 2010 at 10:41 am

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Brit, Blunty, Blunt-o,

feeling that you shouldn’t be depressed because you have no “real” reason to be depressed is like walking around with a 20lb brick hanging from your neck (on a huge gangsta chain).

Oooh, oooh!! Or even worse, walking around with a cat butt in your face all day long.

Was my analogy lost on you? I suck at analogies, but catt butts are my least favorite things…next to p@nties and Valentine’s Day. Imagine a cat wearing p@nties on the cover of a V Day card. If it came from someone as cool as me, you might like it….

What was I saying?

You’re not alone. (but take that tacky brick necklace off, you’re too beautiful for that…)

steve February 20, 2010 at 8:16 pm

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Missed your blog and they way you see the world. Depression stinks, best thing to do is just get out and meet friends and such fore you know it you will be past it. But the comfort foods are tempting for sure…..well hope things get great in your world…zman sends

susi spice February 21, 2010 at 2:15 am

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hi sweet cheeks! long time no see! hope you are good now. V weekend should be banned. but at least you go to enjoy some good food.

glad ur still blogging we are here for ya!

Skye February 21, 2010 at 3:28 am

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I have to agree with you, Valentines is definitely a holiday not worth partaking in! It’s just another trumped up day for Hallmark to sell more cards and other crap. As well as for the average Joe schmo to be guilted into buying chocolates and flowers instead of spending money on something that is actually needed. Yep, I hate holidays!

zelzee February 21, 2010 at 9:14 pm

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I am sure you had some very profound things to relay to all of us out here, but you lost me at McDonalds, and all I could think of was a Double Cheeseburger………………..

Jen February 23, 2010 at 9:17 am

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You have been gone for so long I am really late in reading this post. Glad to see you made it through Valentine’s day. It is a truly stupid holiday. Having said that I am married so I have not had to go through the denial of not finding someone for a long time.

Mary @ Holy Mackerel February 26, 2010 at 1:53 pm

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I think I love your dad. I know I miss mine. He was just as bad.

As for depression, yeah. Been there, still am. Sucks the big one.

As for Valentine’s Day, let’s not go there.

Just know you’re not alone in this big bad world of crap. And I for one will always stick around, regardless of how often you post.

The Constant Complainer March 10, 2010 at 5:22 pm

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Just visiting back to see if I missed any updates. Hope this finds you doing well. Just got back from Vegas. LOL. I’m the famous people-watcher as you know, so needless to say, it was fun. Hope to talk to you soon.

The Constant Complainer March 10, 2010 at 5:24 pm

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P.S. I didn’t type “Watch Your Mouth” in my earlier comment, but it’s appearing there now, so I’m not sure what’s up with that. LOL. But it wasn’t from me.

Stop by the blog sometime. In typical fashion, I’ve been MIA for a while, but now have a boatload of fun posts from my vacation. I need some Blunt Delivery sarcastic comments over there. Toodles.

Vodka and Ground Beef September 23, 2010 at 10:09 pm

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McDonalds #2, a cold Little Ceasars pizza, a box of Junior Mints, Frosted Flakes, and a carton of 100 calorie pack fudge stripe cookies.

What did you wash that down with?

Going through the archives. Loves it.

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