How To Avoid Awkward Encounters On Your Birthday

Question: Why wear the world’s most unflattering, horizontal-striped dress on your birthday?

Answer: So that you have something even more upsetting than your birthday to focus on.

Another viable reason could be because it slightly entirely resembles The HamburglarCus isn’t that what birthdays kind of are? One giant Hamburglar, sneaking up on you to steal another year?

This year has been interesting. My career has taken a direction that I couldn’t be more pleased with. I’ve taught myself how to take photos with a fancy camera, which I’ll never fully know how to use. I started eating Flintstones chewables, and I’ve never felt better. Friends have moved away. Friends have come home. I’ve been severely depressed, and unbelievably happy. Relationships have come and gone. I’ve met some amazing new people. Cut out some not so amazing people. Started eating tomatoes. Almost died behind the wheel of my car about 75 times. I changed my phone number.  I repainted my living room.

Yea. That sounds about right.

But the most important thing I’ve learned is: How To Avoid Awkward Encounters On Your Birthday.

1. Stay inside your house for three consecutive days.

2. Refuse to shower during that time.

3. On the off chance that you are tempted to leave your house, remember that you haven’t showered.

4. Make a pan of brownies.

5. Eat the entire pan of brownies, and pass out.

6. Set a goal to watch the entire Sex and the City series.

7. Resolve that there is no better time than now to start achieving your goals.

8. Don’t run out of food.

9. When you run out of food, use your Mary Kate Olson sunglasses to disguise your grossness and get carry out pasta.

10. Question why you own Mary Kate Olson sunglasses.

11. Remember that some of life’s mysteries are just too complex to unvail.

12. Cry.

13. Realize even your Mary Kate Olson sunglasses couldn’t disguise your puffy eyes.

14. Finish the box of wine.

15. Realize that expiration dates are there for a reason, and they best not be challenged, especially when it comes to boxed wine.

I’m happy to report that (1) I don’t look a day over 45, and (2) I did survive my birthday weekend.


I went out one itty bitty time, but the rest of my weekend was spent in hiding with my friend Jo, and can be described exactly as on the numbered list above. It. was. fabulous.



29 thoughts on “How To Avoid Awkward Encounters On Your Birthday

  1. I pretty much eat the equivalent of a pan of brownies on my birthday too.

    Glad you’re still with us after last year. Because damn, I couldn’t make it without you.

  2. wait those are Mary Kate sunglasses? they look sophisticated to me. I’m off to google the Hamburglar cause I don’t really remember what exactly he looks like…

  3. Staying in the house and not showering while marathoning tv series and eating brownies sounds pretty much like the absolute best birthday ever. Add wine and pasta into the mix, and I’d say you’ve just about created my own personal heaven (provided said pasta was fettuccine alfredo)

    Love the little muffin gift bag (who puts a candle in a muffin for God’s sake!?)

    . . .oh, and The Hamburglar? ROCKS.

  4. You don’t look miserable in any of those pics, I’m calling shenanigans.

    Although I’ll be looking for advice on how to survive my 27th in a couple of months…

  5. LOVED your list!

    “Set a goal to watch the entire Sex and the City series.”

    Funny you mentioned that because for the past week I’ve been doing just that! OMG…I miss that show!

    Sounds like you had a flawless birthday. Great photos!

  6. Happy (late) Birthday, Dear Brit.

    Love your list. Particularly the make and eat an entire pan of brownies part. That is something that I think doesn’t necessarily need to be saved for one’s birthday weekend, though. It is the kind of thing that needs to happen on an even more regular basis.


  7. Dear god, I stopped celebrating birthdays so long ago I lost count 🙂 . I find it hard to put a pretend smile on my face when I get a crappy present for starters and then people continually remind you how old you are. It’s like being in hell and people poking at ya! Doona, uggies, couch and a DVD of Heathers is the way to spend the day. Whoops and a friggin bottle of red!!!

  8. many strappy tops do you have on in those pics? : ) Sorry, it’s not your birthday anymore. Now you’ll just have to revert to the same practices as an excuse not to update your blog next time. LOL. Hope you had a good one! I don’t think you look a day over 40..not 45… BTW)

  9. I find it’s best to just never tell anyone when your birthday is.

    And in the odd case that some one asks, you just tell them that you have no birthday and that you “have simply always been”… it makes them think that you suck as a person and they leave you alone.

    Happy belated birthday though really.

  10. EVERYONE should own Mary Kate glasses.

    Also, one should turn off their comment wall on Facebook. That way, pesky friends can’t post “happy birthday” on your wall and get the word out. I mean, thats what I did anyway. (Thats normal right?)

  11. Happy (late) birthday.

    Funny…you posted this on my birthday. Sorry I missed it. I’ve been busy and haven’t been on my usual blog visiting rounds lately.

  12. 1. Happy belated b-day!
    2. You are so pretty!
    3. Could you please email me this list on 11/9? My birthday is 11/13 so if you remind me a few days prior, I’ll be able to avoid The Awkward!
    4. Sometimes I get carried away & I think you can put an exclamatory anywhere!

  13. my dearest darling it was a fun evening! but next time i think the b-day girl should be the drunk one….i look a little too cheessed out in that pic..must of been from the crazy and wild pampered chef party before hand…jo! stop drinking while brit and i are taking a pic. put the glass DOWN!!

  14. @ youroneandonly:
    haha. i was totally downing that lucious lavendar concoction, unaware that I was in your picture. haha. fund night!

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