Plus Sides To Dating A Heroin Addict

Well, there’s always ice cream in the fridge.

And I don’t know if we’ve been introduced but that’s kind of a big deal.

That’s about it. Oh, did I say side(s)? Unintentional mislead, sorry.

So, with lightening speed we’re encroaching upon the worst time of the year: my birthday. For those who’ve been around awhile, you know that there are a few things in this life that’ll piss me off more than my birthday. Except this one is going to be extra special annoying since it’s my final birthday before turning THIRTY.

Can you even believe that crap?

And just as is the routine, I’m starting to have all these introspective and quasi-deep thoughts about life and where I’m at, or more importantly, not at. Oh, you couldn’t tell by the title that this was going to be one of those posts?

Good, cus it’s not. I wouldn’t do that to you on a Thursday.

But the next one will be. So get ready. I’ll also be giving out some props to select bloggers.

Like clockwork, every year, right around my birthday I lock myself out of my house. I never know when this phenomenon will happen, I am just at the mercy of the universe. But, there is always certain criteria, if you will:

1. It is hotter than a landscaper in Hates.

2. Humidity is at 600%

3. I am wearing either pjs or a swim suit.

4. I haven’t showered yet.

5. It always somehow involves working out/trying to get out of working out.

So, last week, at 11:00 am, the universe gave me my early birthday present. I was locked out, in pjs, looking disgusting, hundred degree weather, super humid, with no where to go except my cement patio which has full sun all day long.

Don’t ask how these things happen. Embrace the mystique.

My friend Jo, who is becoming a regular on Blunt Delivery yet is not at all okay with that, fortunately had the day off. The unfortunate twist is that she picked me up on her white horse posing as a Honda then hijacked me into “working out” via paddle boating. We get repeatedly disgusted at the rapid rate our metabolisms are malfunctioning and thus, we’re always searching for ways to exercise that aren’t really exercise.

Jo: Hey last year when we did this we saw a paddle boat of nuns, remember?

Me: Um. We gotta take these life jackets off so we can get a tan. Then this won’t be totally useless.

[after and hour of floating and talking]

Me: Where are we? Everything looks the same? Crap. I can’t feel my legs. I’m sweating everywhere. I need food.

Jo: When we get back, I know this mexican place where we won’t see anyone. I always go there looking like crap. And $2.49 margaritas.

[Two hours later after circling, fighting against extreme winds and what I’m convinced was a defective paddle boat, we got off torture island and effectively canceled our “work out.”]

And then double canceled it.

Then, as if the world’s most annoying day couldn’t get any longer, she decides to stop at the thrift store on the way home. Our eyes beheld many splendid treasures.

This is a choice no one should have to make. I’ll take them all!

Jo, thank you for rescuing me. I guess.

Wondering where I went? I have returned to blogging over at myΒ whole foods blogΒ Celery and the City, where we live so clean it’s like your insides took a bath.


42 thoughts on “Plus Sides To Dating A Heroin Addict

  1. I have only locked myself out of my house once. It was on my birthday. It was not hot. It was butt-ass freezing and 6am. My car was also locked. I had to wake up my landlord.

    I stopped locking my door when I left after that. Clearly I couldn’t be trusted. Good thing no one knows where I live.

    Sounds like your locked-out day was salvaged. By those shake-thing-ys. And $2.49 margaritas. The rest you just write off as a loss.

  2. I am so ready for my 30th birthday it’s not even funny. It’s in October. I expect something shiny and expensive.

    And paddleboats are the devil. When are you and Jo coming to visit me again?

  3. Well, keeping in the spirit of the ruby slippers, there’s no place like home–except a Mexican restaurant for $2.49 margaritas.

    I’m also turning 30 this year and might now consider dating a heroin addict, if only for the ice cream and street cred. On second thought, he would probably make me feel fat in comparison and I don’t really want to deal with “needy” in any way, shape or form.

    But there will be no paddle boat, that much I can guarantee.

  4. Maybe you should keep a spare outfit and some makeup (and while we’re at it, why not a key) under a rock in your back-yard or something. At least you ended up having an adventure!

  5. You do realize that even though you are only turning 29, you will still be in your 30th year. So you have that going for you.

    I hate those damn paddle boats. Everyone else seems to always has one that works great and I am stuck like freaking fred flinstone paddling with my feet.

  6. Come on, when you hit 30, it’s simply the start of something new. In my case, it was that I could no longer eat whatever I wanted and not have to worry about gaining weight. LOL. And locking yourself out of the house sucks. I did it once in the pouring rain – not so much fun.

    But as was echoed above, drinking some margaritas makes up for it!

  7. Aw shucks, B.D. – you’re still a youngin’!
    I can’t even remember pre-30’s any more.
    Because I’m OLD. And I can’t remember ANYTHING anymore.
    What was a talking about again?!

  8. well, at least you weren’t wearing just a towel or something more embarrassing. you got off easy! Happy Birthday. Oh, and haven’t you heard, 30 is the new 20!

  9. At least you were wearing pretty toenail polish. Oh wait, different day wasn’t it? Had you remembered to wax your legs prior to the ‘locked-out’ day? Coz they look pretty damned smooth on the ‘failed-exercise’ day.

  10. I’ve only ever locked myself out once. Now that I’ve said that, I’ll lock myself out this weekend.

    Thank goodness I didn’t read this post last year when I turned 29. Then I would have panicked, too. Now I only get to panic this year. (What’s with the “k” in past tense of panic?)

    Also, I see fruit it that dessert, so I don’t think it cancels anything.

  11. If you bought those ruby slippers you could put them on your back porch and next time you got locked out you could put them on tap your heels and say there’s no place like in my house and poof there you’d be. You’re welcome.

  12. HAHAHAHAHA-*stop to tell the kids yelling outside to “STFU!!”*-HAHAHA!!

    That was such an awesome mislead that I totally forgive you for getting my hopes up re: heroin addict-dating tips.

    I locked myself out of my mom’s house a few months ago, after running out to grab something from the car. It was minus 2o degrees and I was wearing one of my mom’s old lady nightgowns (I’d forgotten to pack pjs) and sock feet. The worst part was that she had gone out for the night to play Bingo and her neighbors weren’t home. I thought I was going to die.

    I hate birthdays too, so I won’t tell you to have a happy one. But I will tell you that I’ve been working diligently on your present.

    With any luck, “Code Neil” should be ready before your 30th. ;P

  13. I do hope you bought the Richard Simmons video. Now that will really inspire you to start working out. Not. The DQ Flurries are an excellent way to round out any day, especially one in which you are locked out of your house in lounge wear. Thanks for making me feel better about my chaos.

  14. What is IN those frosty concoctions? Actually, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. I’ll crave them if I know. SO DON’T TELL ME OKAY? Geeze.

  15. ” I was locked out, in pjs, looking disgusting, hundred degree weather, super humid, with no where to go except my cement patio which has full sun all day long.”

    OMG…you poor thing!!! That happened to me once (but I was not wearing my pj’s) and you know what I did? I SMASHED a glass window and lifting myself through. And let’s just say that my parents were NOT happy. πŸ™

    I DIED when I saw that VHS tape of Richard Simmons!!! Memories light the corners of my mind!

    And HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY , GIRL! Life gets better with age. Right after I turned 40, something wonderful shifted in how I began seeing myself and where my life had taken me.

    Btw, my brother just had a birthday too.


  16. eep. my bday is in exactly . . . 1 week and 6 days? and that sucks. see, you’re going to be 29. me? MID 30’s!!!!!!!!! What the heck is THAT? Sigh. 34, here I come. And the fact that I get flabbier and grayer every year isn’t helping.

  17. yay, ice cream!
    i always have ice cream in my freezer. does this make me a heroin addict?? D:
    i was not sure how i was going to deal with the turning 29 fiasco. . . until the opportunity to be ridic drunk all weekend long came along (did i mention my birthday fell on a long weekend this year? huzzah!), so I opted to just not be aware of birthdayness due to liquor induced forgetfullness! ;D

    True story; growing up in Ottawa, paddle boating was like this thing that other people got to do, and I so DESPERATELY WANTED TO. I’d see those paddle boats out on the canal and wish I could be in one πŸ™ The foolish ideas children get. . .
    Now I’m older and wiser. I realize that being in a boat is the most fun when it doesn’t require any effort on my part ;D

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