Kenny Chronicles: Don’t Cry Or My Fake Tan Will Run

[For those of you who don’t know who my metrosexual best friend Kenny is, please read this post. Then do yourself a favor and get a clue.]

Most of you may have noticed I’ve been on a bit of a happiness protest this year. Well, hopefully this helps to explain things a bit. I was going to title this post: News Worst Than AIDS. Then I thought that was a bit too dramatic, even for the Kenny Chronicles. Regardless, please keep reading and stop judging me.

[rolling up to the Wendy’s drive thru, sometime last May]

Kenny: Um…. yea. Can I get a double bacon cheeseburger, and can I try a, um, frosty twisted coffee toffee.  I mean, an uh, coffee frosty twisted mocha thing.

Me: No, no. There’s nothing mocha about it. It’s A COFFEE TOFFEE TWISTED FROSTY.

Kenny: Ugh. Whatever. Can I get one of those frosted coffee drinks? [turns to me] Whaddaya want?

Me: Ok. This is very important. I want a Jr. bacon cheeseburger, plain, with lettuce only. You have to say it like that or they will put condiments on there, and mayo makes me throw up.

Kenny: Can I get a Jr. bacon cheeseburger with just lettuce, please?

Me: Tell them plain! You have to tell them plain or they’ll put the mayo. I CANT eat mayo.

Kenny: Oh chill. They know what I mean.

Me: Oh. My. Gosh. I’ve been dealing with this my whole life, I know how it has to be done.

Kenny: [hands me the bag of food]

Me: Ok, just let me check it real fast.

Kenny: Um, no.

Me: What do you mean no?

Kenny: We’re not those people.

Me: Those people, who?

Kenny: Those people who hold up the line cus they are double checking the food. It’ll be fine.

Me: [as we’re exiting the parking lot] Hmmm. Interesting. MAYO!  ….Turn the car around.

Kenny: Seriously, there’s mayo on there?

Me: Seriously, when will you EVER listen to me? [hands him the sandwich]

Kenny: Can’t you just scrape it off?

Me: No, I can’t SCRAPE IT OFF. The taste infiltrates everything. I hope you know that you are going back in there to get me a new one.

Kenny: [stuffs a handful of fries into his mouth] But I’ve already started eating!

Unfortunately, this is one of the last memories I have of Kenny and I before he left me for some younger, more attractive and aquatic state. California that isOh wait, you didn’t know that?

It was a month before this very incident that he broke the bad news to me. I remember it as clearly as that day I walked out of the bathroom in third grade with toilet paper tucked into my tights. Kenny was sitting next to me on my couch he mentioned something to this effect [I can’t remember the details as I went into a three-month coma afterwards]:

Kenny: So, I think I’m moving to San Diego.

Me: [bursting out in laughter] I’m sorry, what?

Kenny: No really, I have some opportunities out there.

Me: Is this sorta like that time you were gonna “move” to Virginia with whatsherface?

Kenny: No.

Me: Well, what the HEAL does San Diego have that our town doesn’t?

Kenny: Warm weather. New people. The Ocean.

Me: Oh, so you’re gonna move to one of the most expensive cities in California, in the middle of a recession, with no family or friends to support you, and you’re gonna leave me here with all these losers? Don’t do it. Remember the sandwich? You should really start listening to me.


Me: Get out of my house.


And before I knew it, I found myself rolling up an ungodly amount of metro ties and placing them into Kenny’s suitcase. As I was laying on his bed, covered in hair from his insanely obese and elderly cat Beretta, I found myself speechless. How on earth would I stand this godforsaken town without Kenny around? He made everything bearable. We looked through old pictures, talked about all of our crazy times, and all sorts of sentimental stuff that I’m not usually comfortable with.

The next morning, he was off to the friggen Southwest. Since I’m not the best at goodbyes, confrontations, or sports, I opted to leave a few hours before departure. As we hugged goodbye, our conversation pretty much summed up everything:

Kenny: Sorry this is the way you have to remember me [points to his hair] I look terrible.

Me: Um, please, [pointing to my face] do you see these bags under my eyes?

Kenny: Ugh. I’m gonna miss you like crazy.

Me: You have no idea. [hugging, starting to tear up]

Kenny: Now don’t start crying. Then I’ll start crying and you’ll make my fake tan run.

Me:  Well, maybe next time I see you, it’ll actually be real.


And that, my friends, was the start of my spiraling depression. Please direct all outbursts and fury over lack of blogs/commenting toward Kenny.You can check out the photo shoot we did before Kenny left me here…

To check out slightly more uplifting installments of the Kenny Chronicles:

How To Talk Yourself Out Of Dating Almost Anyone

A Metrosexual In A Yankee’s Hat

I Hate People Who Smell Like Breakfast

How We Met

A Conversation At Starbucks

A Bad Gordita And Some Classy Water

38 thoughts on “Kenny Chronicles: Don’t Cry Or My Fake Tan Will Run

  1. Obviously you have gotten over the loss of Kenny. Let’s see when Kenny was around you updated your blog about 3 times a week.

    Now Kenny has been gone oh these 3 months and you have been busier than ever with real work and real responsibilities that you post maybe once or twice a month.

    Side note: I never noticed it in other Kenny pictures but I think he is the love child of Enrique Iglesias and Harry Connick Jr.

    • actually bearman, i’ve thrust myself into other obligations to get my mind off the depression. Unfortunately, i find it hard to be entertaining or funny these days. hence, the lack of blogs. definitely. not. over. it. christmas without kenny? thats just not right.

  2. Sooo… you don’t even put ketchup on your hamburger?? Sinful my friend! You’re missing out. Mayo is nasty, but ketchup=my heaven!

    I am sorry about your loss of Kenny to San Diego. I remember when I lost my best guy friend of nine years to Houston. He def. wasn’t metro, but still it hurt. It took a while, but now I think the move actually helped our friendship. We ended up cherishing the times when we got to see each other even more, and even ended up dating for six months (I think we were figuring out the best way to make our new long-distance relationship work)and though we’re back to being just best friends again… I like that I have a place only 5 hours away to get away to…

    but I still miss him on a daily basis!

    • carissa – that would be a big, fat plain NO. BBQ sauce, particularly Sweet Baby Rays is the extent of my condiment existence. and UGH, there’s nothing harder to find that a friend who truly gets you. it’s the hardest thing to lose.

      V – FORREALS. we should plan a get together one of these years. i’m gonna be coming there to take some pics of one of my friends – i’ll let ya know when i plan that. they might have to shut the city down though, both of us in such close proximity could be detrimental. as in, detrimentally too amazing.

      J – Stop yourself. there’s too much love going on here. wait, no. not possible.

      Jes – I miss funny kenny too. please petition him to return home.

  3. I’m mad at Kenny. We need to keep good looking, obviously fun men in the Midwest. Why do they all run away from us? There are pretty people here – you and I obviously prove this point. I’m very sorry for your loss and if it’s any consolation whatsoever, I will be happy to accompany you on future Wendy’s runs and mayo makes me vomit as well. You’re so close you can … how did you put it? Smell my hangover? Well it would be way more fun if we got drunk together. You can come to the city and we can hit up some of those places I never go to because I refuse to stand in a line to find you a metro semi-replacement…since it’s clear the Kenny cannot be truly replaced.

  4. Look at those eyes! He’s a pretty one, fer sure. . . *sigh* Do you keep in touch?

    That made me very sad. Kenny usually makes me giggle. *cries* I MISS HIMMMM!

  5. aww blunty…did he get u a new burger in the end???

    you know its always so interesting to read American’s blogs. I dated this guy who was studying here a few years ago he was from California (i still wonder what wouldve happend if I had said yes to his marriage proposal).. totally hot but you ALL seem to have best friends of the opposite sex! that and you all have lives that are trully captures on TV series like… Dawson’s Creek…

    its good to have ya post again!

    • susi- i did, as a matter of fact. no thanks to kenny. yes, platonic friends of the opposite gender are quite common – for me anyway.

      danielle -hahaha, i’ll let him know.

      candice- well, you need to bail down south and come to chicago!

      brandon – i can’t blame you for never wanting to leave that beautiful state of wisconsin

  6. Sorry, I was distracted from your misery by the sheer beautifulness of that man. SEND HIM TO NL! We have…fish!

    Seriously though, that blows. A lot of my friends have been bailing out lately and heading west. Makes me sad.

  7. Hopefully he learned how to properly order a sandwich from high school drop outs with only cheese, bacon, and lettuce (aka the Good Stuff). I learned that trick a while ago, since we apparently like our sandwiches the same way. Trial and error. (Mayo makes me sick too. As does ketchup. Gross.)

    I would offer to replace the hole Kenny left, but I’m just not metrosexual enough. No soul patch. No fake tans. The couple minutes I spend on my hair each day likely pales in comparison. But on the bright side, there’s no way I could move to California (not without a job offer with a giant salary, that is).

  8. That’s totally depressing!!! I am sorry! 🙁 Hope you get to see him again soon.

    In other news, I hear you about the mayo thing. I hatehatehate mayo as well. It’s awful when people tell you to just scrape it off….as if you can’t still taste the awfulness it leaves behind. SICK.

    • rachael – i knew you’d see it my way. you always doo.

      linlah – UM- THANK YOU!

      HHH – whatever, i’m on a cali protest. and in the event i do come, it will ONLY be to see you.

      Sandyb – its. a. struggle. all. the. time. these. days.

  9. Aww dewd that blows chunks. I’m so sorry. Friends shouldn’t be allowed to move anywhere without our consent. Why don’t they know this already? But you really must come visit us out here in Cali…think you’ll enjoy. 🙂

  10. @ blunt delivery:
    Um, I don’t mean to barge in here.. but I couldn’t help overhearing. Blunt, the struggle to make it to the keyboard some days, I totally get it.

    (but it is lovely to have you back.)

  11. Well, if he is the reason you are not posting very often, he needs to return asap. Although, it sounds like you have gotten really busy with real work. So, I guess that’s okay.

    • jen – i’ve been busy with LOTS of things. more details to come. but yes, i like to blame it all on kenny.

      steve – aw thanks, you guys ARE the greatest! i love that song too, it always puts me in a good mood.

      yellow – eh, don’t say that out loud, it ‘ll get to his head. as if it hasn’t already. JUST KIDDING KENNY. SMOOCHES!

      christie – hey! thanks for the love. you’re the best!

  12. Why be depressed we are here…your blog friends….I am sad you dont care about us..he he he……Love the song on the photography site……hope your depression ends and happiness returns….zman sends

  13. Holy fish balls! Kenny is HOT.

    Sorry for your loss, but with email, skype, and blogs it’s much easier to keep in touch. Besides, San Diego sucks. Know how I know? You’re not there.

  14. Brit, a friend that you can truly be vulnerable with is like being home, right? I know how wonderful it feels to be free like that with someone. It’s rare, indeed.
    I’m sorry he moved, sweet lady. Good thing is…you are home, wherever you are. You are amazingly strong and unique such a such a wonderful road ahead of you.

    • pinky – you blow my socks off every time you speak. you’re amazing, and always so so encouraging.

      skye – um YES it does. BTW.

      bearman – don’t get me started.

      mr c – thank God, you agree on this very critical point.

      sherri – well, thank goodness he doesn’t really have to shave his back, but he is very particular about grooming. let’s put it that way

  15. I feel the same way about mayo. I just don’t get the appeal. It’s like, coagulated chunks of fat that have been beaten until smooth. Speaking of smooth, I bet Kenny shaves his chest and back. Am I right?

  16. Pingback: Dear 2009, I'm Ready To Forgive You For Your Bastardly Ways | Blunt Delivery

  17. Pingback: Meet My Best Friend Kenny | Rockford Il Portrait Photographer |

  18. Pingback: The September Of My Years [OR] Screw You January

  19. Pingback: How To Avoid Awkward Encounters On Your Birthday

  20. Pingback: 5 Things Men Do That Annoy The Crap Outta Women

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.