When I was young, my mom used to always shovel blueberries down my throat, whilst telling me that with every bite I was prolonging my lifespan and thwarting off cancer. Apparently, they were rumored to have the most antioxidants of anything on the earth. That was, until, the pomegranate phenomenon spread like STD wildfire throughout the country and caused my mom to question her entire world view.
So given this general knowledge, I’m deducing that it is in the best interest of my health and well-being to polish off all four boxes of Blueberry-Pomegranate ice cream that I just bought. And prepare yourselves to have me around forever, got it?
Ok, now we need to talk about a few less important things. Like why I haven’t been around. And why the Osmonds won’t seem to go away. Or why I went to Walmart to buy green beans and walked out with 4 boxes of Blueberry-Pomegranate ice cream, a dozen chocolate glazed donuts and a #3 from McDonalds.
It’s no secret to my inner circle that I’ve been suffering from a bit of a holiday depression this year. Normally, the tree is up by October with my christmasy music mix playing on repeat. I can’t get enough Christmas. Until, this year. No tree. No peppermint handsoap. No music. No cocktail party with teeny tiny foods.
But then I got bombarded with a slew of holiday cards, in attempt to lift my spirits… Look at me, I’m so popular! I’m so loved!
Oh wait…. they’re all from my mom!
That’s right. My mom just wouldn’t tolerate my holiday funk this year. She sent me a Christmas card every single day of December, and each time she came to my house she’d sneak a pre-decorated mini tree into a different room. FYI: she was the ONLY one who sent me a Christmas card, so that whole “popular” comment was a bit of an exaggeration.
Speaking of Christmas, here’s a sound bite of how my holidays went:
MOM: Before we open presents we have to have some Christmas music playing.
AUNT: [to uncle] Honey, can you turn on some music? [looks at a huge list] Go to cd #81, that will be good.
[about 3 minutes pass as they are trying to figure out the stereo... finally instrumental music starts playing]
ME: Um, what cd is this? And why does it sort of make me want to cry but yet kill people at the same time?
[...silence...] [...looks of confusion...]
AUNT: Hmmm. What is this? …..Ooooooooh, this is my Last of the Mohicans soundtrack. That’s okay though, this will be fine.
ME: Um, what? We can’t listen to that while we open presents. That’s the most depressing movie of all-time.
AUNT: Well, I don’t know how this came on, I gave him the number for Celestial Winds.
ME: Celestial Winds? No. That won’t work either. We’re not getting facials.
MOM: We HAVE TO HAVE Christmas music to set the mood.
BROTHER: Oh my God.
ME: Hey, you don’t happen to have the Gladiator soundtrack do you?
DAD: Is it time for pie?
________________________________________________________________________________
Dearest Readers,
I just want to say a belated and very MERRY CHRISTMAS to all of you. I realize I have been a bit absent from the blogosphere lately, and aside from cooking your mom dinner, I was also acting in a sketch comedy show all throughout December. That is now over, and I hope to be blogging more regularly. Thank you for sticking with me all this time. I can’t tell you how much of a pleasure it has been getting to know all of you - and you have no idea the appreciation I have for your kind words and encouragement. Truly.
Bryan Hartman
8 months ago
i totally would have got u a card if u didnt tell me that u werent celebrating this year….BTW I found turkey sweaters
Bearman
8 months ago
Awww Tweedie! Don’t feel bad. Send me your address and I’ll send you a card.
Jes
8 months ago
Heehee, blueberry pomegranate ice-cream, eh? I must admit - chocolate is more up my personal alley, but whatever works!
A belated merry day to you, as well. I think your mom is super-sweet to send a card every day in an attempt to cheer you. Think about it - the sheer cost in stamps is astronomical!!! Sorry to hear that you were/are feeling down, but congrats on the awesome magazine deal - and kudos on the comedy bit! That rocks.
You do realize that in nearly every post you apologize for not posting more? Just thought I’d put that out there. . .
Hope to see some more beautiferiffic pictures from you soon, too!
Sherri
8 months ago
Will your Mom adopt me? Because my Mom made me insane for Christmas. In fact, I actually had people calling me to SEE IF I WAS ALIVE AND/OR NOT IN JAIL after Xmas day. Your Mom is adorable.
Also, congrats about the start-up mag! They’re such great fun [I was editor of one based in NYC for quite a while].
J
8 months ago
Of COURSE you were in a comedy show. You’re hilarious.
A) I wish I was there so we could be hilarious together and eat ice cream until we cried blueberry and pomegranate whilst watching an old episode of America’s Top Model.
B) The Christmas Spirit was not with me either this year. I think it had something to do with the fact that I HAD NO MONEY.
Brandon
8 months ago
Brit, it looks like you might need that ritalin after all… this post is ALL over the place. Although that’s not necessarily anything out of the ordinary for you.
Hopefully your mom was able to pull you out of your funk. It’s awesome she tried so hard, you really do have special parents.
And you walked out of Walmart with donuts, ice cream, and McDonalds because they’re all way better than green beans. Seriously, who goes to the store to buy green beans? I thought people only ate that crap because it just happened to be in the freezer, and they had nothing better to eat.
blunt delivery
8 months ago
@ Bryan Hartman:
Bryan - that’s so sweet of you, too bad it didn’t happen. and um, wow, your grandma knits fast!
blunt delivery
8 months ago
Brandon - why do you always act surprised that my posts are all ADHD? my mom succeeded a little bit. a little. she’s awesome. and p.s. i had to have the green beans for that casserole crap that is always at every holiday meal.
j - UM, me three! why can’t all my cool blogging friends live in my crappy town? we would have so much fun living a stale life together.
blunt delivery
8 months ago
sherri - my mom would adopt anyone. trust me. and thanks! I’m super excited -print is definitely a new venture for me!
jes - no, trust me. this ice cream is delish. and yes, mrs. captain obvious, i realize that i always apologize for not posting. that is something i’m going to ATTEMPT to remedy in the new year. of course, i don’t believe in resolutions, so don’t hold your breath.
blunt delivery
8 months ago
bearman - sigh. i’m such a loser. who gets 24 christmas cards from THEIR MOM?!
oh, and the nickname is Tweedles. we’re not sure why. and you weren’t supposed to pick up on that BTW
Bearman
8 months ago
@ blunt delivery:
Tweedles it is then!! I look for those things
Jen / pinky
8 months ago
I still get 3 cards every year, even though I haven’t sent out cards in over 6 years. Just don’t have it in me. The funk hit me pretty hard this year, too.
But really? Do you WANT to get a ton of those newsletter-type cards about Missy and Joe’s adorable kids Jr and Sissy who just so happen to be the smartest kids on earth? Not me.
I use these very newsletters to cheer me up on a down day.
Here’s my idea for next year: My little family, all sitting cozy on the couch with our faces painted like the rock band KISS. I’ll buy very fancy Christmas stationary and fill it with far-fetched stories of my kids setting all kinds of academic and athletic records…until they decide to rob the local bank…at the age of 6.
I wonder how that will go over?
*uncorked
8 months ago
I would have sent you a card too - I sent one to Lola and Mr. C…if only I had your address. Maybe next year, if you’re naughty. Did your mom make your dress in the picture? Because the kid picture on my blog for Christmas is me totally sporting some mom-made jammies. Also, you should have told me about this so-called comedy show, I’m not far. I would have come to see you. One of these days…
Jen
8 months ago
Congratulations on the new gig! I need to find myself one of those. You have quite a mother to send you a card everyday of December. But, what are moms for anyway? Hope you have a better new year and please keep writing. Your insanity keeps the rest of us sane.
maggie may
8 months ago
i love it. your mom is awesome.
sandyb
8 months ago
Thank Gawd you’re back! We were just starting to get all hot n’ blogheavy and then you pooofed off.
…Anyways.
You rule. We’re still around (obviously). Speaks volumes about your work on here. Seriously.
Hugs from over here.
-sandyb
Danielle
8 months ago
Congrats on the Editor deal. You deserve it. Now get out of your funk damn it!!!!
Happy Holidays!
Jill
8 months ago
Missed ya!
Candice
8 months ago
1. Your mom is freaking ADORABLE, I love her.
2. EXACTLY the scene of Christmas morning at my house, except my parents start cursing and my brother and I had to put on nice clothes for pictures.
3. CONGRAAAAAAAAAATS on the new job! Woot!
Also, can I get a copy of this comedy routine? I MISSED YOU!
steve
8 months ago
First off…we did miss you..the blogosphere is not the same with your sarcasm..mmmm no no i meant wit. Congrats on the editor job if you blog in any indication of how good you are..they are really lucky to have you…i meant that metaphorically..he he. Now get out of your funkiness and get on with some damn happiness darn it….happy new year..zman sends
blunt delivery
8 months ago
pinky- i’m with u on the not sending xmas cards. i don’t think i ever have - or will. again, all of your christmas day scenarios sound FABULOUS. count me in.
v - WHAT THE CRAP?! i feel so, so, un-naughty that i didn’t get a card. My mom never sewed, so that dress was straight up hand-me-down. you betta believe it. I sort of joined the comedy show at the last min. and forgot to tell everyone i was in it cus life got so hectic. there will be more to come, and YOU WILL BE ON THE LIST!
jen- I do have quite a mother. and jen, i always appreciate your encouragement and that you have stuck around here. you’re awesome!
blunt delivery
8 months ago
maggie - the most awesomest.
sandy-thank you so much! i’m so glad we found each other out in this vast world of mediocre bloggers.
danielle - i’m working on it. i really really am!
jill - missed you guys more!
candice - i wish i could somehow post some of the video on my blog. that would be the bomb.com. I missed you - i’ll be catching up on your blog very soon!
zman - thanks. you are always so encouraging!
Hip Hop Hippie
8 months ago
Santa stole your xanax and he stole my Grey Goose. On no wait, I think I drank it all, which would explain why I’m now drinking whiskey. Congrats on the new editorial position!!! That’s badass!
yorksnbeans
8 months ago
While you were gone I started up a new blog. I haven’t done much with it yet. I, too, have been kinda absent from the blogosphere over the past few weeks. Congrats on the new job! And BTW…I’ve been pigging out on Mayfield’s Peppermint ice cream over the holidays. It’s a seasonal flavor, thank goodness!
Michael
8 months ago
Took two weeks off (from being unemployed), travelled, indulged, including (but not limited to): jelly beans, chocolate, Dr. Pepper, chips, shortbread, and replaced my daily 90 calorie Sugar Free Vanilla Latte with full on Caramel Brule Lattes.
Did Wii Fit for 2 weeks as I was away from my gym. Didn’t gain an ounce! Did four new cartoons.
Happy New Year Lil’ Phant!
susispice
8 months ago
Merry belated Christmas ms Buhumbug
hehe just joking.
hope this new year brings you really great awesome things… like it has already i see!
good luck on the new job!!!!!
yellowcat
8 months ago
It was oatmeal with my grandma. She was eating it right out of the box, uncooked, by the handfuls. She lived to be 92 so I guess maybe she was on to something. Of course, she didn’t know who she was for the last 10 years or so. Note to self: your brain needs protein, too.
I want to come to your house next year for Christmas.
basia
8 months ago
That ice cream looks amazing..and I’m lactose-intolerant. I think the cards from your mom are actually really freaking cute. The only note my mom left me over the holidays was a post-it in the kitchen yesterday morning that read, in broken English: “I mop the floor for you.” and was signed, “Your old mom”. (I think she was trying to be sarcastic and blaming me for not doing the mopping. Oooh yeah, don’t you loove living on your OWN?
Your new projects sounds awesome. Personal stories/essays are my true love. Good luck!
The Constant Complainer
7 months ago
Congrats on the magazine start-up. Being a media man myself, I look forward to hearing more about that project.
Your holiday family stuff sounded about the same as mine.
Now, if I could just get the moron down the street to take down his white-trash light display, I’d be ready to officially move into post-holiday mode. Ha!