Dear Santa, Those Xanax Weren’t For You

When I was young, my mom used to always shovel blueberries down my throat, whilst telling me that with every bite I was prolonging my lifespan and thwarting off cancer. Apparently, they were rumored to have the most antioxidants of anything on the earth. That was, until, the pomegranate phenomenon spread like STD wildfire throughout the country and caused my mom to question her entire world view.

0007874209002_215x215So given this general knowledge, I’m deducing that it is in the best interest of my health and well-being to polish off all four boxes of Blueberry-Pomegranate ice cream that I just bought. And prepare yourselves  to have me around forever, got it?

Ok, now we need to talk about a few less important things. Like why I haven’t been around. And why the Osmonds won’t seem to go away. Or why I went to Walmart to buy green beans and walked out with 4 boxes of Blueberry-Pomegranate ice cream, a dozen chocolate glazed donuts and a #3 from McDonald’s.

It’s no secret to my inner circle that I’ve been suffering from a bit of a holiday depression this year. Normally, the tree is up by October with my christmasy music mix playing on repeat. I can’t get enough Christmas. Until, this year. No tree. No peppermint hand soap. No music. No cocktail party with teeny tiny foods.

But then I got bombarded with a slew of holiday cards, in attempt to lift my spirits… Look at me, I’m so popular!  I’m so loved!

christmas-cards

Oh wait…. they’re all from my mom!

christmas-card

That’s right. My mom just wouldn’t tolerate my holiday funk this year. She sent me a Christmas card every single day of December, and each time she came to my house she’d sneak a pre-decorated mini tree into a different room. FYI: she was the ONLY one who sent me a Christmas card, so that whole “popular” comment was a bit of an exaggeration.

Speaking of Christmas, here’s a sound bite of how my holidays went:

MOM: Before we open presents we have to have some Christmas music playing.

AUNT: [to uncle] Honey, can you turn on some music? [looks at a huge list] Go to CD #81, that will be good.

[about 3 minutes pass as they are trying to figure out the stereo… finally instrumental music starts playing]

ME: Um, what CD is this? And why does it sort of make me want to cry but yet kill people at the same time?

[…silence…] […looks of confusion…]

AUNT: Hmmm. What is this?   …..Ooooooooh, this is my Last of the Mahicans soundtrack. That’s okay though, this will be fine.

ME: Um, what? We can’t listen to that while we open presents. That’s the most depressing movie of all-time.

AUNT: Well, I don’t know how this came on, I gave him the number for Celestial Winds.

ME: Celestial Winds? No. That won’t work either. We’re not getting facials.

MOM: We HAVE TO HAVE Christmas music to set the mood.

BROTHER: Oh my God.

ME: Hey, you don’t happen to have the Gladiator soundtrack do you?

DAD: Is it time for pie?

57 thoughts on “Dear Santa, Those Xanax Weren’t For You

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