Holy Crapballs, That Was A Person

Every single time I get into my car, first of all, I check for flooding (yes, my car floor fills with water when it rains) and second of all, I prepare myself for the possibility that I will commit involuntary manslaughter at some point.   I might be the WORST driver in this city.  Maybe even the tri-state area.  Well, at least the small radius from my house to Ohio.  Friends: I’m extending an invitation for you to leave a comment stating proof of this fact if you’d like.  (If you can’t focus cus you’re still stuck on that flooding car thing, I have no clue where the water comes from, why it’s there, or how to make it stop.)  (Friends: please note that invitation expires after this post.)

So the other day, I’m driving with one of my friends and this conversation takes place:

Friend: Holy crapballs, that was a person.

Me: Where

Friend: Behind us.  Standing in shock cus they almost died.  Did you not see them or what?

Me:  No.  I was looking for a sweet parking spot so you won’t have to walk in the rain.  

Friend:  How about I’ll be happy to walk in the rain in exchange for not assisting in murder.

Me: You say that now, but you’ll be singing a different tune when your hair starts to frizz.

Friend: Why do I continue to go places with you.

Me: Okay.  Do I not warn you every time you get in this car of my horrible driving skills and that you’re putting your life at risk?

Friend: Yes, you do.  But I…

Me:  And do I not always make it a fun experience?

Friend: I guess.  But you don’t obey any traffic laws, and…

Me: And do you not feel more alive and appreciative of your life after you get out of the car?  Is the sun, not a bit brighter?  The grass, a bit browner? 

Friend:  Definitely. more. appreciative.

Me: So can you stop already with the melodramatic whine fest.  I told you I haven’t gotten into an accident since I was 16.

Friend:  But you have a HOLE IN YOUR HEAD because of that accident.

Me:  That’s correct.  And I’m definately more appreciative of my head now.

47 thoughts on “Holy Crapballs, That Was A Person

  1. Hahgahahaaa! That was great! If I ever get into a car with someone and my foot goes to hit the “airbrake” that is when I knwo I will never, ever, ev-ah get into a car with them. Again. Period. I think I already put a period at the end of that, but I mean period. Exclamation! Partly, and don’t be all offended, because I am one fo the best drivers in the world. Of which I have written about a couple of times. Maybe I should write a driving book?
    Thought I’d stop by from SITS and see what was up! What’s up!

    • hey so not mom – thanks for stopping by!! I cannot be all offended at that you are the best driver in the world… just as I hope you are not offended that I am the worst.

      wait, what?

  2. I’m interested in the hole as well, but purely from a medical learning standpoint. And don’t you live in a huge city, like with its own mob, and theaters, and famous pizza, and everything? Maybe you should get a cab. Or at least let your friends drive. Or ride with them! There’s an idea! Um, honey, I’m a little concerned. Vehicular homicide is only worth General Population on the inside. Not that I’m actually very well acquainted with the intricacies of prison. I swear.

    • haha. thanks for the caring advice nina. sigh…. i’ll address the hole later.

      I actually live in a suburb, so we don’t really have cabs at all, everything is sprawled out so we must drive. we can’t even walk anywhere either, kinda sucks. I have no choice but to put my life at risk, unfortunately.

  3. Well now I know that if we ever do hang out, I’m driving. I doubt you’ll put up much of a fight on that though.

    The worst are the bad drivers who refuse to acknowledge that they’re terrible, and therefore insist on driving everywhere. Apparently being in 14 accidents (only 6 were their fault according to the cops!) by age 20 wasn’t proof enough.

    • brandon. it is advisable that you never go anywhere with me in a moving vehicle. but like i said. … i don’t get into accidents.. but i just come really, really close on a daily basis.

      like i said, i try to make it a fun experience

  4. OMG, this is too funny! Silver has a problem with my driving as well. Honest, I do look to the left, make sure there are no cars coming, slow down, but still creep to the stop sign, all the while watching traffic coming from my right so I can make a left turn onto the highway asap. Once I’m sure that I’m clear to the right, I check the left again. He says I should be watching my left till it’s clear, and THEN look right. Why if there are no cars coming from my left when I turn to look to the right, is what I wonder!

    To be fair though, I’m terrified of his driving as well. He can’t stay in his own lane if his life depended on it. He’s constantly crossing into oncoming traffic, or weaving the opposite way and damn near crashing into a car beside us travelling the same way. At least I stay in one lane and signal if I’m going to change lanes. Hmmm I guess signalling doesn’t help much if my signal lights don’t work though, huh!?!

    By the way, I too am curious about the hole in your head.

    • skye-
      1. I never signal. i dont even know if it works.
      2. I too, tend to swerve quite a bit. especially into the shoulder
      3. I get alot of honks and stares on a daily basis.
      4. I’ve been pulled over for “drunk driving” several times. yet, i had not even one drink.

    • see jules, i’m the same way. I often find that I get carried away with a song, or someone’s cute landscaping and don’t see the brake lights illuminate in front of me. OR do you ever find yourself at a stop light and then all the sudden you take off cus the light turned green, except it was the light ahead of that one.? Yea, my brakes have been replaced several times.

  5. I thought she covered the hole-in-the-head thing a while back. Oh well, I’ll let her tell the story.

    And Julie, I drive the same way. Luckily I get my brakes replaced for free, and my car has amazing handling capabilities and AWD… so no one ever really feels unsafe, they just hate being thrown around like that.

    • brandon – i might have mentioned it a long time ago in the early stages of TDE… i’m not sure. i don’t know if i ever went into details… which i still won’t do cus they’re depressing. but guess i can touch on it again for the newbies. you with the memory all the time

  6. Brit- That is a consistent problem of mine (going too soon at a stoplight) for me, I am off in my own world and don’t realize the reason the cars next to me are moving is because they are in the TURN LANE and they got THE GREEN TURN LIGHT – not the go ahead light. Whoopsies!

    • EXACTLY. see. we can’t help we have a mild form of adhd, but only on the road. life is too short to be focused on one thing at a time. we need to be aware of whats going on around us jules.

      why persecute us for being curious?

  7. Oh, Miss blunt delivery.

    First off, for all of you wondering about the hole in her head. She is sooo not kidding. I felt it! I thought it was interesting and then I reminded myself that I’m feeling a hole in someone’s head. Then, it was a little creepy.

    Secondly, before we are too quick to judge, I think that it depends on who you are hitting with your car that matters. If they are up for the same job as me, wanna go for a drive?

    p.s. have you invited Zoe to our next shindig.

    p.p.s. I like the word “shindig”

    • jess. you know what, we totally need to get together with zoe… she’ll probably need more notice though… dana might have plans so maybe we’ll have to kick it to next week, we’ll see whats up.

      yea, thats right, you did feel it. i’ll try to loiter around the parking lot after your interviews and take out anyone who seems threatening.

  8. Curious. When you mention the hole in your head, are we talking “bowling ball style” hole? In other words, can one lift you from above by inserting a full finger-length in this auxiliary orifice? Also, is this akin to a sunroof where you might air out your brain on balmy summer days, perhaps while strolling along Lake Michigan? Again, just curious. I haven’t had the privilege of additional holes bored into my person.

    • mvd… that sounds like an acronym for an STD of some sort. are there vaccinations for your nickname?

      everyone is so curious about my head. i’ll write about it in an upcoming blog since everyone is requesting answers, which cannot be fully explained in the comment section.

      thanks for stopping by.

  9. darum….darum….. darum.. *eery music*…. you were scared of Jaws, you were frightened in The Ring… but wait to be scared whitless by…. Blunt Delivery behind the wheel of a car or any moving object.

    Nice one on baiting people with the hole in the head. hehe i feel another blog post coming on!…

    when i was 4 i split the back of my head playing spider man 😀 hehe. and you my dear friend are one of THOSE drivers who shit me to no end on the road… that I am always having to look out for so that MY nice car and MY Precious life isnt put in harms way. the only thing that seems to annoy people is when i get to stop sings i dont really stop… its more like a slow rolling perhaps pause action hehe. if its clear its all good 😀

    oh yes i am back sorry been away for 4 days! 4 whole days! did anyone notice????

    • i did notice, susi. where the heck you been?

      1. tri-state area means like, you know how our country is broken up into individual states? well, basically it just refers to the area of three entire states. so for instance, i live in illinois, so i was referring to the distance surrounding illinois, indiana, and ohio… got it? oh you aussies.

      2. nobody is picturing anyone nekkid

      3. yes, you would be thoroughly annoyed with me at all times.

  10. lol@ fundamental i like the suggestion.

    Brit – what is the significance of the tri-state? does this apply to every single state that is neighbouring two other states? or is there another significance?

  11. Actually there are several “Tri-States” Its when you live on a bordering town to 2 other states.

    Cincinnati is considered the tri-state b/c its in Ohio and borders Kentucky and Indiana.

    • susi – yes, as bearman described there are different things that can mean. most people just think of it as just a three state radius, but it really is just a place where three states intersect. how is that weird? it is exactly what it sounds like??

  12. it was just odd to me. i live in a country where my state is the biggest of all and it borders 2 other states but we do not use that term. But i understood bearman’s explanation… at least someone has patience with me 😛

  13. this is the truth. every time i get in the car with you i call my mom to say good bye and say my prayers. then i buckle up (which i never do) and hold on to the “oh shit” bar and point out objects that you prob don’t see so that we can avoid death while heading to the tanning bed! AMEN!

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