That girl. The one whose overly pushy, Sicilian boyfriend was able to convince her that entering a beauty pageant, despite the fact she was allergic to hair spray, 4-inch heels, up-dos and beauty pageants, would be a super awesome way to get scholarship money for her overpriced private college education. The one with absolutely no rhythm or hand-eye coordination, who was forced to perform [...]

Dear Last Week, Jigga, what just happened? Anxiously awaiting your reply, Blunt.  *On a Golden Girls death sidenote:  No, no. Thank YOU for being a friend, Dorothy. I’ll be sporting my Stay Golden Tshirt all week for you. Anyway, speaking of writing…wait.  What were we just talking about?  I have never wanted to achieve the same goals that most normal writers do.  My dream has never been [...]

I’m feeling rather nostalgic tonight.  And nothing good ever comes from that. As I was sitting here wondering why Moccasins haven’t tried to make a comeback this summer, I got to thinking about my past relationships.  Was there a common thread that linked these terrible relationships?  Was I the worst judge of character ever to walk the [...]

I want you all to know that it’s so deliriously late right now that I don’t even have any midnight oil left, I’m running on fumes.  Or smoke.  Or whatever would be left after you’ve burnt a crap ton of oil.  Coldplay is my only companion at such an hour, so consider yourselves a priority.  And I’m about to mesmerize [...]

I had the most horrifying dream of my life last night.  I woke up in a cold sweat, my heart was pounding, thoughts were racing… Usually, I don’t have nitemares of this magnitude, but this was a rare exception. The content of this dream may not be suitable for viewers under the age of 17.  So [...]

Let me start by saying that I currently drive a plum-colored ‘99 Saturn with duct tape on the hood.  The purpose of the duct tape is to cover an actual hole in my hood that was created when I veered into the shoulder and crashed into a road sign, which fell on my car and [...]