freelance writing

Problems? Why Yes, I Can Provide Those

Confessions June 19, 2009

It’s really too bad, you know? I had a decent shot at being normal. My childhood had all the ingredients to cook up a perfectly functional adult woman. I spent my days running a successful lemonade stand on our dead end street, eating Leave It To Beaver family dinners, and following my dad around in sweet [...]

Dear Me 10 Years Ago,

Confessions June 16, 2009

So I cleaned out my garage. I know you’re thinking that sounds a little over ambitious, especially for me, however, I haven’t been able to park inside of it since I moved in two years ago. This also wouldn’t be a problem if it weren’t for the fact that when it rains, my car floods. [...]

46 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Dear ESSENCE Magazine,

Confessions June 11, 2009

You’ve been appearing in my mailbox for going on 4 months now. I called you, and like a red-headed stepchild you said you had nothing to do with it, which I think might just be a bold-faced lie from the pits of hell. You told me to send an email to cancel the subscription I never ordered, and [...]

42 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Dear Midwest, Without You I’d Be Famous

Confessions June 6, 2009

You know your hair is too long when you have to start using conditioner meant for a horse. Gees, people. I’m just saying. But on a side note, it works rather nicely. So I’ve heard. People always ask me, actually they harshly criticize and often yell at me, for the fact that I’ve never moved out of this God-forsaken [...]

40 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

I’d Rather Go Naked Than Wear Sunscreen

Confessions June 1, 2009

I’m the only person in the world who used to like the Sunscreen Song back in my high school days. You know what I’m talking about… the one where Baz Leuhrman reads profound advice from a ’99 valedictorian speech, accompanied by “Ooo’s” from the all boys choir in the background? The song ends with “trust me on the [...]

42 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Kenny Chronicles: I Hate People Who Smell Like Breakfast

Confessions May 24, 2009

I haven’t said the word “sausage” for going on 15 years. It’s a personal protest, don’t worry about it. Unless I’m struggling to order a pizza, this usually doesn’t present a problem. Of course, there was that time I worked at Chuck E. Cheese all four years of high school, where pizza and little kids accidentally peeing in the [...]

57 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

That Time I Didn’t Go To Barcelona On A Toy Plane

Confessions May 20, 2009

Dad: So when I got to Kentucky, I unpacked my bags and I was brushing my teeth in the hotel room… Me: yea? Dad: But then, I realized there was something awry. The toothpaste was really, really white and tingly. Me: Umm… Dad: And you’re probably realizing now, what it took me about two more minutes [...]

25 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Why I Hate Women: Oh Let Me Count The Ways

Confessions May 6, 2009

As usual, I couldn’t sleep. I ended up watching a classic movie called Penny Serenade. You know, black & white. Cary Grant. Some prude who never takes off her apron and always buttons her shirt to the top. I have two words for this movie: lame. I realize that classic movies are supposed to be [...]

327 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Breast Pumping Your Way To A Free Mocha

Confessions April 29, 2009

There’s something magical that happens the very instant you become a mom. I’m not sure of the details because I have not yet crossed that shaky domestic bridge, but from what I can gather: you become the cheapest person alive. My very best friend is a new mom. I get in her car and immediately [...]

38 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Where Beer Flows Like Boxed Wine

Confessions April 23, 2009

It’s no wonder I don’t make any sense. I’m a combination of two polar opposites, who by all rights, should never have met much less married. My mother came from a Nazi-strict household where she wasn’t allowed to see movies or go to football games, for fear she would encounter Satan himself. She also wasn’t allowed to celebrate Christmas which explains why [...]

56 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

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