April 29, 2009

Breast Pumping Your Way To A Free Mocha

in Confessions

There’s something magical that happens the very instant you become a mom.  I’m not sure of the details because I have not yet crossed that shaky domestic bridge, but from what I can gather: you become the cheapest person alive. 

My very best friend is a new mom.  I get in her car and immediately she throws the largest coupon organizer of ALL TIME onto my lap.  The coupons were alphabetically organized. “This is going to get us through the day,” she said with a grin.  First, we roll up to McDonald’s because she has a buy one extra value meal, get one free sandwich coupon.   I thought, “ok, thats fine, free sandwich.”  For the next 10 (and I am NOT exaggerating) mins, I was but an innocent bystander to the following drive thru conversation:

friend:  Yes, can I get the grilled chicken value meal? 

lady:   Sure.   Drink?

friend: I’d just like water and actually I don’t want any fries with that cus I’m trying to lose weight.  And then I’d like another grilled chicken sandwich, lettuce only. 

lady: Okaaaaay.  $9.42. 

friend:  And no mayonnaise on both(we pull ahead to the window and she hands over the coupon)  Okay, I have a coupon, so I should get the second sandwich free.

lady:  OKAY. SO  your new total is $6.12

friend: UM.  Hmm.. Now, shouldn’t the total be less than that?  Because the sandwich is free and I only ordered an extra value meal -but I didn’t even get fries and I only got water.

lady:  Well, why don’t you just order two sandwiches then? 

friend: Because the coupon says I have to order an extra value meal in order to get the other sandwich free.

lady: OKAY. SO you want the extra value meal, with just the sandwich and the water?

friend: Yes.

lady: Well, the bottled water is actually more expensive than the other drinks, so it’s still going to be that amount.

friend: Ok, then no water.

lady: OKAY. SO you just want  the extra value meal - with no fries and no drink?

friend: Yes, that is correct.

(at this point, the lady is rendered speechless and has to get the manager)

(this is also the point when I call my dad and have a five minute conversation, while trying not to leap out the car window and thrust myself into moving traffic.)

drive-thruFinally, they tell her just to pay three dollars and they hand over the sandwiches.  As we’re leaving, she tells me that later we’ll have to go back cus the Mochas are buy one get one free from 2:00-5.   Then we go to Baby’s R Us.  She rolls up to the checkout with a cart full of stuff and hands the elderly cashier AN ENTIRE STACK  of coupons.  Then, she says:

friend: But here’s the thing, they are all expired.

cashier: Um, so you want to use a stack of expired coupons for your purchases?

friend:  Yes.  George said it was okay because I live out of town and only come around once a week.

cashier:  George doesn’t work here anymore.  Let me get the manager.  (at this point, I start to get uncomfortable)

friend:  Oh, and I’m supposed to get a free box of diapers because I bought three Pamper products.

(Knowing what is about to come, I just walk away.  I stand by the door for a good 15 mins before going to the car, where I waited for another 10 minutes.)

As soon as she gets in the car, I tell her that she took so long that we might miss the 2-5 time frame in which to get the free mocha at McDonald’s.   I start driving, when I notice some rustling in the passenger seat.  Before I know it, she has plugged in her breast pump and was holding two empty bottles.  I just looked over  and she says, “Don’t you worry, I got this under control.”   We ended the day by going to JCPenney, where the clearance items were also buy one get one free.  Then there was yet another confrontation with an elderly cashier when my friend asked if she could do two separate purchases in order to get more things free.  The lady said that wasn’t really fair to JCPenney, to which my friend replied that she has to do what’s fair for her wallet

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{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }

George April 29, 2009 at 2:03 pm

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The title drew me in cuz I would definitely do that for a free mocha.

I feel for you. My wife and mother will spend hours in the grocery store debating about how best to use their coupons for stuff they wouldn’t have paid money for even if they were filthy rich. “Oooh…I can save a dollar on a 36oz bottle of Crap!”

Yes. I share your pain.

blunt delivery May 1, 2009 at 12:07 am

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1. thanks everyone for your encouraging words— sorry I’ve been so MIA this week. I promise I’ll get over to your blogs soon!

george… i love that you loved my title. and i love that you share my pain.

brandon – the true example of a devoted blog follower… someone who sends obligatory comments on something they’ve already read before. i “heart” you.

bearman – how old ARE YOU exactly?

MVD – thanks ;) and I assure you, the costume has not been jeopardized in the slightest

mama- oh, so internet savvy. look at you, down with the lingo like all the cool kids

susi- how’d you know? see what you caused? please try not to do that again.

kevo- have u no comprehension of the term “stay at home mom?” haha

meg- thanks for stopping by, glad you liked it!

chris- that comment had me laughing for awhile.

demim- get over it.

Jen April 29, 2009 at 3:01 pm

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Great post. I have been in that situation and it is unbearable.
Take care of yourself.

Brandon April 29, 2009 at 3:20 pm

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This is completely shocking and appalling. Your friends are so silly! And cheap!

Okay yeah, I’ve read it before, but felt I needed to add my obligatory response anyway.

Bearman April 29, 2009 at 5:11 pm

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Sorry to hear about your bad week.

Now onto being cheap. I used to remember the days when coupons had to be entered by hand. My dad would always throw in a couple expired ones and act innocent if he got caught.

The Constant Complainer April 29, 2009 at 5:17 pm

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I have to admit, I laughed out loud when you wrote about having to call and talk to your dad, so you wouldn’t throw yourself out into traffic. Classic indeed!!!

MVD April 29, 2009 at 6:37 pm

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At least the breast pumps weren’t used to extract a vital ingredient for the mochas. Honestly, I was preparing myself for that. And as for “leaving the scene of a confrontation” at Babies R Us, I had to laugh, because I’ve slinked away from my share of inane back-and-forths on many occasions.

Hope everything is ok (seriously), and that your disappointment has nothing to do with that Wonder Woman outfit being stolen or stained (even more seriously).

mama-face April 29, 2009 at 6:53 pm

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using my new uber cool blogger lingo I just LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

feel better.

Susi Spice April 29, 2009 at 7:39 pm

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oh dear… im sorry i made your week sad for not posting anything.. i did read yours tho :) but seriously hope all is ok. hugs.

Think on the bright side.. for birthday’s, children’s birthdays, etc just collect up a bunch of coupons and put them in a pretty box and woochaa there’s your presents to her! if anything uyoull be doing her a favour! (just cut out the coupons you want to keep hehe)

Meg April 29, 2009 at 10:51 pm

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Excellent post! Hilarious and wow I would have flipped if any of that happened to me!

Kevo April 30, 2009 at 12:06 am

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all the time hustling these coupon deals could have just been spent getting an extra paycheck?

Chris April 30, 2009 at 12:39 am

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There’s a fine line between frugal and cheap and your friend flew across it at 100 mph. Or maybe 50 mph if she used her half-off coupon.

Demim Boy April 30, 2009 at 10:12 am

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I was actually uncomfortable just reading that…

Theresa April 30, 2009 at 10:55 pm

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I had a friend who would put me in those situations all the time.
But it was for “refunds and exchanges”. She refused to ever try anything on at the store. She’d just grab things off the rack, spend $100 at the cashier and then take $90 of the stuff back to the store “after” trying the clothes on at home. I feel for ya. Great blog site by the way. Found you through The Essential Bastard.

Kevo May 1, 2009 at 12:31 am

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nope. i’m just that dumb to have glossed right over that detail.

blunt delivery May 1, 2009 at 2:48 am

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theresa- OMG, you have no idea. this girl, she will try to take back makeup she’s had for like, a year, with no receipt and out of the package. its HILARIOUS. and so so odd. but she’s alawys successful. anytime i have an awkward situation that I don’t want to deal with i pawn it off on her. she’s a five star arguer.

blunt delivery May 1, 2009 at 2:48 am

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kevo- well, could u be a little less glossy next time?

Kevo May 1, 2009 at 10:05 am

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so shiny!!!

The Constant Complainer May 1, 2009 at 11:28 am

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I miss your daily posts and hope you’re back from being MIA soon!

blunt delivery May 1, 2009 at 1:45 pm

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thank you constant! i’m feeling a bit better emotionally, except today i woke up with what appears to be the beginnings of bronchitis. haha. sigh.

Christina Bledsoe May 1, 2009 at 12:18 pm

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I feel you girl. As much as I would like to save money I just don’t have the time nor the patience to deal with the often stupid cashiers.

blunt delivery May 1, 2009 at 1:46 pm

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christina-i don’t have the patience for any of it. not waiting, not clipping, not arguing. i’m just like, dude, whatever.

Brandon May 1, 2009 at 4:21 pm

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How do you get bronchitis when you never go anywhere?

blunt delivery May 1, 2009 at 4:38 pm

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i went out to visit my best friend and her baby … sigh.

Rachel May 1, 2009 at 9:30 pm

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I totally used a (non-expired)coupon today for a free iced coffee from McDonald’s. I felt like a cheapa$$, too, since I didn’t get anything else so I spent exactly zero dollars and zero cents. Oh well.

Still, though, I can’t even BEGIN to compete with that story.

I read it back when you first posted it on the daily ‘phant, but couldn’t help myself and had to read it again. My goodness…really unbelievable! HA! Maybe she’ll be a millionaire someday because of all the money she saved from her years and years of coupon clipping ;)

Rachel May 1, 2009 at 9:31 pm

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p.s. I miss your daily posts; hope you are feeling better :(

blunt delivery May 2, 2009 at 2:09 am

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thanks rach!!! haha, thats hilarious. i know, funny enough i had one too for KFC grilled chicken with no purchase necessary. I couldn’t do it. i had to buy something.

Bearman May 2, 2009 at 12:47 pm

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Back in my day Brit, they rang up everything on an abacus. Geez.

How I Lost Thirty Pounds in Thirty Days May 3, 2009 at 3:04 pm

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Hi, nice post. I have been thinking about this topic,so thanks for writing. I’ll definitely be coming back to your posts.

How I Was Able to Lose T h i r t y P o u n d s in Only a Month May 5, 2009 at 11:06 pm

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Hi, nice post. I have been pondering this issue,so thanks for sharing. I’ll certainly be subscribing to your blog. Keep up the good posts

Carebear May 6, 2009 at 2:32 am

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Whoa, your friend has talent. I can barely manage to pump from one side without someone helping me hold my shirt up while I push the on button with my knee. Or tongue. I can’t even imagine DRIVING while pumping two breasts. But I bet some dirty truck drivers were surprised to get THAT kind of flashing!

blunt delivery May 6, 2009 at 12:28 pm

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oh man carebear, she whips that out anywhere. its the worst when we’re sitting in the mall parking lot. i mean, its kind of obvious. but yea, the truckers…

funnyrunner May 6, 2009 at 1:17 pm

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LOL! I loathe coupons…

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