Dad: So when I got to Kentucky, I unpacked my bags and I was brushing my teeth in the hotel room…
Dad: But then, I realized there was something awry. The toothpaste was really, really white and tingly.
Dad: And you’re probably realizing now, what it took me about two more minutes to realize.
Me: Oh no….NO!
Dad: Oh, Yes. Preparation H.
Me: What? I thought you were gonna say Ben Gay. Come on, seriously?
Dad: I used an entire bottle of mouthwash, chewed a pack of gum, and a case of mints, but I couldn’t get that taste out of my mouth for about three hours.
Me: Did your tongue shrink?
Listen, even though I just shared a completely personal story with you at my father’s expense, that I might have promised I wouldn’t tell, there is still no excuse for my absence. I realize I dropped off the face of the earth recently. That is actually me in the picture above. And then, of course, after that happened, I required reconstructive surgery so that set me back another 3 weeks. I apologize.
So let’s see, what could we talk about? That time I got robbed by drug dealers cus I didn’t realize my boyfriend was a heroin addict? Nah. How about the time I decided to fly to Barcelona in the middle of the night on a broken toy plane? Winner!
While I was living in London, I did quite a bit of traveling around Europe. This was due partly to the fact that we had four day weekends, and the remainder of the week… I never went to class. I had an excess of time on my hands, so to speak. This guy I met in London, we’ll call him Lenny, was sort of like my London Kenny, or my long lost brother, or something. One night, we were sitting in the computer lab.
Lenny: Let’s go somewhere tonight.
Me: Like, a club?
Lenny: Like a country.
Me: Well, I have class tomorrow.
Me: Good point. Where do you want to go?
Lenny: I dunno. How about Barcelona?
Me: Eh, I’ve never been to Spain, sounds good.
Lenny: MMMk. I got us tickets for the red eye.
After being hurled over and ready to puke on the two hour bus ride that brought us to the airport, we were finally ready for lift-off. It’s 1 am, and I’m starving, nauseous, and pissed off. Plus, I’m deathly afraid of flying as it is. We sat there, strapped in, for about an hour.
Me: Um, why is the inside of this plane bright yellow and electric blue?
Lenny: It’s Ryan Air.
Me: It looks like a toy. Or IKEA. And this seat is like, plastic. Wait. Are we on a toy plane? Holy crapballs, I’m about to fly to Barcelona on a toy plane.
Listen, I’m not a technical genius, so I’ll go ahead and say they announced that the plane was broken.OH really? It was necessary for us to sit ON THE PLANE, while you examined it’s brokenness? Then, we needed to wait in line with all 300 people to get the tix refunded. We wait. We wait. Alas, the sun is coming up and they tell us the flight is cancelled – so we could get off.
Lenny: Here, you’re exhausted. Just sit down and I’ll wait in line for us.
I try to get food, but who knew NONE of the middle-eastern airport quickie marts are open in the middle of the night. I sit down on the only available seat, next to a portly man who was slowly falling asleep and smelt like the Dollar Menu. After a few minutes, he starts snoring. The snoring increases in volume until I start to lose my mind. Lenny looks at me from the line and can see the look of desperation and sheer disgust on my face. All the sudden, I completely lost it and burst out with inappropriate laughter, which I tend to do when I’m fasting, haven’t slept in two days, and sat on a plane all night in order to not go to Barcelona.
…And I kept laughing all the way home, while on the bus, where I almost ate Lenny’s arm and then threw up on the seat in front of me.
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