writing

My Last Words Before Turning Into A Vampire

Confessions August 1, 2010

I cannot think of a solitary moment in life that is more optimistic than when you are listening to a high school valedictorian speech. These kids are sitting there, staring at a blank page. They have not yet been faced with life-altering decisions. Their hearts are still vaguely in one piece. They haven’t made a series of poor choices that has left [...]

I’m In A Relationship With Life, And It’s Complicated

Confessions July 30, 2010

So what is the secret, exactly? And please refrain from referring me to the best-selling book, Secret, as highly endorsed by Oprah. I don’t care much for self-help books. Or Oprah. Or tube tops. And more obvious things like Ranch dressing and humidity. I’d say the majority of my life I’ve been what you might call “a planner.” And [...]

34 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

How To Avoid Awkward Encounters On Your Birthday

Confessions June 29, 2010

Question: Why wear the world’s most unflattering, horizontal-striped dress on your birthday? Answer: So that you have something even more upsetting than your birthday to focus on. Another viable reason could be because it slightly entirely resembles The Hamburglar. Cus isn’t that what birthdays kind of are? One giant Hamburglar, sneaking up on you to steal another year? This year has [...]

29 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

5 Things Men Do That Annoy The Crap Outta Women

Relationships June 23, 2010

Wait, why are you holding a giant calendar with red X’s all over it? …And why is there a whistle around your neck? Did you recently become a gym teacher? STOP TAPPING YOUR FOOT! What do you mean it’s only been a week and I’ve already broken my promise of posting on Monday, Wednesday and Friday? Well, well, smartypants.. perhaps [...]

27 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Brace Yourself Kid, This Is BIG

Confessions March 26, 2010

Do you have your big girl pants on? If so, please check the fly because that would be grossly inappropriate for this blog. Are you ready to GET SERIOUS!? Are you ready to have your mind blown? I sure hope so, cus the last thing I need is for you to come crying to me when you’re [...]

28 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Am I Too Late For A Thanksgiving Post?

Confessions January 21, 2010

Your guess is as good as mine why two “loving parents” would allow their only daughter to eat corn on the cob directly off a dirty picnic table. Or to wear that Little House On The Prairie getup, that was clearly too small. I was going to title this post: That Time I Tried To Run [...]

31 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Dear 2009, I’m Ready To Forgive You For Your Bastardly Ways

Confessions January 8, 2010

You know how when you meet someone for the first time and there’s just that instant connection? As they explained on Sleepless in Seattle: magic. The stars align, and in that moment it’s as if the whole universe existed just to bring the two of you together? Well, that is not what happened when I was first introduced to [...]

42 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Kenny Chronicles: Don’t Cry Or My Fake Tan Will Run

Confessions December 9, 2009

[For those of you who don't know who my metrosexual best friend Kenny is, please read this post. Then do yourself a favor and get a clue.] Most of you may have noticed I’ve been on a bit of a happiness protest this year. Well, hopefully this helps to explain things a bit. I was [...]

37 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

You’re At The Top Of Your Class! Too Bad No One Will Ever Care.

Confessions November 25, 2009

Holy crapballs. There’s something we’ve got to talk about before we take this relationship any further. No, I’m not going to talk aboutthe six consecutive years I avoided the dentist, or how I almost married a British heroin addict, or how I almost married a bipolar psychopath, or how I will search for as long [...]

28 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Open Letter: How Can We Break Up Without Me Having To Tell You?

Confessions November 15, 2009

[My mother unearthed several boxes of letters from my childhood. I have no clue why they were saved, but what's mine is yours. And if there is one thing more ridiculous than my current life, it would have to be all the time leading up to my current life. Hence, I started writing about these [...]

32 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

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