Lately, I’ve received alot of questions to the effect of “how do I find the one?”  Well, it just so happens that I have more than a few answers up my very svelte sleeve.  I’ve spent weeks, possibly even months [if I were to have logged all my time] researching and compiling data for what [...]

I had the most horrifying dream of my life last night.  I woke up in a cold sweat, my heart was pounding, thoughts were racing… Usually, I don’t have nitemares of this magnitude, but this was a rare exception. The content of this dream may not be suitable for viewers under the age of 17.  So [...]

To say that I was an awkward middle-schooler would be to say that grass is green.  Or Obama is the Messiah.  Or half of my teeth need fillings.  There were so many things wrong with me that I might actually have been considered “cute.”  In an unfortunate kind of way, of course.   My parents always did [...]

After all these years…       after all the pain we’ve been through.          After waiting in obscene lines with hundreds of other equally pathetic women only to watch Titanic for the tenth time, thinking that somehow this time Rose might not be such a stingy lovestruck beotch and would let you hop on that raft for a just couple seconds [...]

man: (dials 1-800-FANDANGO) (rings….rings….rings…) automated FANDANGO lady: Thank you for calling 1-800-FANDANGO, now powered by Lifesearch.  (beep…beep…beep…) i’m sorry, i didn’t get that.  if you’re calling from the Netherlands, please press 1, for a different location, press 2. man: ? but wait, i didn’t even say anything yet.   (presses 2) lady:  i’m sorry.  i still didn’t hear you.  please [...]

Throughout the ages,  many philosophers have attempted to answer the question, “Why would I rather be tied up in a glass box and left for dead in the Sahari desert than go to the Dentist?” For me, it started when I was six.  It’s bad enough that I inherited my mother’s unbelievably awful teeth, and I always had an average of three cavities EVERY visit [...]

I was thinking that we would touch the subject of commitments and fears and all sorts of deep rooted feelings that surface on a late saturday night.  Sound fun?  Ok, let’s get right to it:  I have serious problems with committment.  Hmm.  Well, I know I just said I was going to talk about that but [...]

I had a wee bit of time to reflect upon all the other things that I hate in life, mainly: Neil Diamond, sci-fi, socialism, the word “sausage,”  Crocs, athletic activity, Frasier, punks, Kmart, malt flavoring, spandex, insects, and seafood.  But not to be overlooked are mayonnaise and venereal diseases.  After reviewing this list, I came [...]

[Please be advised that the following case study is not only FDA approved, but it is the result of YEARS of research and should not be questioned] I find that the whole dating process is nothing but a huge waste of time [and his money].  You may or may not agree with me, and as you [...]

So if there’s one thing that might force me to relinquish all respect for my mother, it would be that she loves Neil Diamond.   And black licorice.   Both, unforgivable offences.  If you didn’t know, Neil made a guest appearance on tonight’s Grammies.  I wasn’t warned of this, obviously.   This  gave me no choice but to [...]

Dearest lovebirds of all shapes and sizes, With the corniest scam holiday of the year fastly closing in on us, I thought I’d take the opposite approach to many websites, which list “good” Valentines Day gift ideas.  This could be because I hate Valentines Day.  Or that I take the opposite approach to just about everything.  If [...]

Now it’s time for you to pull up a seat, sharpen your pencil, steal a couple glue sticks, and grab a lunchable [or maybe some of those pre-sliced apples in the little pouches designed for the world's laziest moms].  Please clear your mind of all recent uncomfortable encounters, romantic endeavors gone awry, and anything else [...]

Me:   (reaching into the fridge to grab a carton of OJ….noticing that it feels rather light)    Um.  Why do you drink the juice when I said it was for me? Him:   It’s just juice.  It’s for drinking. Me:   But the point is, I said it was for me. Him:  This is the fourth time we’ve argued about this…  what [...]

There are two planetary certainties which occur ever time I leave the comfort of my surroundings and venture out into the cold, harsh reality that is our world: 1. I will step in gum that I myself spat out merely five seconds prior. 2. I will have an awkward encounter with an astranged friend I haven’t seen since the [...]

One of my goals for 2009 was to “stop fabricating the truth”  so that means that what you are about to witness is definitely legit. My family is hilarious.  We’re like the token Italian family they always showcase in movies, who talk over eachother and have 8 different conversations happening at once.  Except, my mom [...]

1. Don’t cry over spilt milk, unless if was effing hot. 2. Always remember that hot dates come and go, but STDs last a lifetime. 3. Carry a gun at all times. Share the love:

The other day, when I was hard at work on the internet,  I accidentally came across a salad recipe that commanded my undivided atttention.  I know what you’re thinking, and no, I’m not one of those birds who eats salads and drinks skim milk.  I had just polished off an entire box of Peppermint ice [...]

Unfortunately, pomegranates are also the new disfunctional relationship.  We sense there’s something worthwhile deep down inside, but there’s just to much crap to go through in order to get to it.   But we’ll still try.  God knows, until we are old, grey, and in a mental institution…we will still try. Share the love:

  Aretha Franklin definately commanded some respect for her hat and for her performance of the national anthem at the Presidential Inauguration.   Share the love:

Superbowl Sunday afternoon, conversation: him:  I have to pick up some pop for the superbowl party later.  me:  We’re going to a superbowl party? him:  Yea, I told you that. me:  What?  I’m not so sure about that.  him:  I did.  You don’t remember. me:  No, I wasn’t listening.  Well, I didn’t know that was today.  What’s the date today? him: It’s [...]

When all you do is write for a living, you become a hermit by default.  When I say hermit, I mean that I’m skeptical as to whether or not my car will even start due to how long it’s been sitting in my garage.   Between the endless writing and working on my new business [which [...]

Months of planning.  thousands of someone’s dad’s dollars.  perfectly arranged flowers and candles.  finger foods.  a heartfelt speech or not.  an overpriced cash bar.  hundreds of random people.  a stressed out bride and a carefree groomsman.  and one completely clueless DJ.  After coming home to recooperate from the thirteenth wedding I’ve now been in / coordinated,  I [...]

So I was at Target yesterday, browsing through the dollar spot, when I picked up a snazzy ‘09 desk calendar for myself.  It was right about then, that I realized the time is fastly approaching. ..  A New Year.  A clean slate.  A fresh start.  Full of endless possibility and golden opportunity.  I don’t really believe [...]

Me:  can you please be sure to put the cap back on the toothpaste from now on, because otherwise it gets all crusty and you can’t get it out? Him:  umm, ok.  (obviously taking offense to this statement which was merely a request, and clearly not an accusation)  yes, but can you be sure to [...]

Him: can you trim my hair?  its getting kinda bushy on the sides. Me:  yea, i can do it real quick before i leave. Him: sweet.  thanks (puts towel around his shoulders and sits on the toilet) Me:   (grabs the scissors, picks up the bathroom garbage can, and hands it to him)  here. can you hold this please [...]

I have had a longstanding issue with dairy products.  My contempt for said products may be the result of some deep-rooted childhood suppression that my shrink has yet to pry out, I’m not so sure.  Lactose intolerance?  No.  Vegan? Over my dead, very carnivorous body.  Alas, I wish the answer were that easy.   My taste buds do [...]

  Why 7?  Because it’s God’s number. 1.  The biggest, bushiest, salt -and -peppery sideburns of all time.  That goes without saying.  2.  Songs like Cracklin’ Rosie,  Really?  What does that even mean.  Cracklin oat-bran?  Cracklin fire? … or perhaps you meant to say cracklin whip?   Cus you’re a pervert?   3.  He’s a pervert.  Not only did he sign [...]

Ladies and Gentlemen, If I could please turn your attention toward the stage as we are joined by the specialest of special guests tonight: Nostradamus.  I am aware that many of you feel concerned about the future in these times of uncertainty, thus, I have invited him to come and ease your minds with his wealth of prophetic knowledge.  Share the love:

* a 24 pack of Keystone Ice: $5.99   * 1-ply toilet paper: $1.99   * a piece of plywood to use as a raft: $14.99   * surviving a hurricane and being able to float through your yard with everything that means the most to you in this world: PRICELESS Share the love:

  I apologize in advance that pretty much all of my blogs from here on out will have something to do with Christmas.  Oh, I’m sorry, I meant to say “the holidays” as not to offend anyone.  It’s okay if you don’t currently like the holidays because unfortunately, you’ll love them by the time I’m done [...]