Royal Wedding Disaster: Prince William’s Other Woman

Listen. I’m not one to burst happiness bubbles.

I’m a firm believer that if left alone, they will always burst on their own. So I just worry about brushing my teeth and not getting heart disease and everything else will fall into place.


There are times when people just need to know the truth.

That time is now.

And that people is the world. And Kate Middleton.

I’m not trying to destroy anyone’s impending marriage, I’m simply trying to get closure. For William. And our sordid past. Rest assured, the rugby shirts have been burned. The love letters handwritten on Royal letterhead are in the dumpster. Buckingham Palace has been removed from my speed dial. Facebook pictures updated.

So, when the TODAY Show asked viewers to send in a 2 minute video about why they deserve to be flown to London for the week of the Royal Wedding, I found it the perfect opportunity to reveal a secret that’s been plaguing me for years.

And no, I didn’t wash off the face mask just because it was the TODAY show. I worked it into the video.

It’s all about efficiency.

Unfortunately, it could only be two minutes long, so I had to cut out many of the details and factual evidence. But the truth still speaks.

Willy, I’m sorry.

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This Blog Can’t Even Handle Me Right Now

Before you read this I have two very important announcements:

1. Check out my guest post over at Cynicism 101. I am very honored to be Doc”s first guest blogger and I would be more honored if you visited us. He’s me, except a man.

2. Bearman is revealing what my yearbook pics would have looked like throughout the decades. He also posted an obscure homecoming photo that no one knew about till now!

Now let’s get down to bid-ness.

Two three things come to mind when I receive Royal Mail:

1. My British-drug-addict-ex is trying to contact me again, which will cause me to reflect upon a time in my life that makes me wish that London Bridge really was falling down. With me on it.

2. Are we past having to worry about Anthrax?

3. Good Morning America must have gotten my contest entry and this is my invitation to Prince William’s wedding! 2011 is the year all my dreams are coming true!

But then, I open it, and I discover something even better.

Better than Anthrax?

Well, if you can believe it, yes.

Free stuff.

I know what you’re thinking, Anthrax is free. True. Yes, but it will also impair your respiratory system and effectively kill you.

I received custom made greeting cards inspired by my blog, which were made for me by the awesome duo from Caffeinated Designs – Cheryl, my Asian Sunrise, located in sunny CA, and Jen, the Secret Keeper, located in foggy London. And I didn’t even ask for them – they just did it all on their own. Never mind that I have promised to put their kids through college as long as they send me customized periodical gifts for the remainder of their lives.

I had sort of forgotten that they had asked for my address a couple months ago.

Phew. That was a close one, Royal Mail. You had me sweatin’ like an 8th grade me during an algebra test.

They have recently branched out into designing greeting  cards.

Thanks guys! Loved the cards!