friends

How To Avoid Awkward Encounters On Your Birthday

Confessions June 29, 2010

Question: Why wear the world’s most unflattering, horizontal-striped dress on your birthday? Answer: So that you have something even more upsetting than your birthday to focus on. Another viable reason could be because it slightly entirely resembles The Hamburglar. Cus isn’t that what birthdays kind of are? One giant Hamburglar, sneaking up on you to steal another year? This year has [...]

Why I Hate Women Part 7 Of 8,964: Mind Warp Trivia

Confessions March 10, 2010

“Indian people seem rather unemotional in my experience… Then again, my experience was with your ex-boyfriend who snorted $300 of heroin a day. So that could be a bit of a generalization.” -my Dad. I am currently watching a Millionaire Matchmaker marathon. I love this show, but not because I love it. Patty Stanger has nothing on me [...]

37 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

More Things I Hate: Valentine’s Day, Racists And Adult Acne

Confessions February 15, 2010

Really? Did I just have to throw around the “R” word to get your attention? That’s sad. Sad because I have been gone for so long that I feel like I have to throw a dramatic title at you in order to peak your interest, and sad because that just might be true. Well, joke is on you [...]

36 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Dear Santa, Those Xanax Weren’t For You

Family Matters December 26, 2009

When I was young, my mom used to always shovel blueberries down my throat, whilst telling me that with every bite I was prolonging my lifespan and thwarting off cancer. Apparently, they were rumored to have the most antioxidants of anything on the earth. That was, until, the pomegranate phenomenon spread like STD wildfire throughout the country and caused my mom to [...]

31 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Kenny Chronicles: Don’t Cry Or My Fake Tan Will Run

Confessions December 9, 2009

[For those of you who don't know who my metrosexual best friend Kenny is, please read this post. Then do yourself a favor and get a clue.] Most of you may have noticed I’ve been on a bit of a happiness protest this year. Well, hopefully this helps to explain things a bit. I was [...]

37 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Why I Hate Women: Part 6 of 7,893

Confessions October 8, 2009

[ In case you missed the first installment, please check out Why I Hate Women: Let Me Count The Ways and then because I got equal amounts of hater/lover responses to said blog, please check out my rebuttal entitled: Dear Haters, Why Do You Love Me So Much? ] I guess hate is very strong [...]

69 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Dear Haters, Why Do You Love Me So Much?

Confessions August 5, 2009

It comes as absolutely zero surprise to me that my most popular post continues to be Why I Hate Women: Let Me Count The Ways. In fact, I still even get comments on it here and there. Why is this? Because everyone hates women. And in their desperation, they have found a safe place where that ideal will not [...]

63 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Kenny Chronicles: “Officer, What Do You Take Me For?”

Confessions July 30, 2009

STOP THE PRESSES! If you keep reading, you will be lost and wandering through the woods like Bambi after he got ravaged by a wolf. This is part II of a series, first you must read the Kenny Chronicles: Risky Doesn’t Begin To Describe This Business. No really, get out of here. This is quite long, [...]

26 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Dear Universe,

Confessions May 29, 2009

Why dost thou continue to sabotage me? Here I always thought you were on my side. For the first time in my miserable, out-of-shape existence, I’m trying to do something about it. This week, I turned a new leaf. Whitestrips, here I come. Jogging, here I come. Well… I’m not really sure what whitestrips had to [...]

40 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

Kenny Chronicles: I Hate People Who Smell Like Breakfast

Confessions May 24, 2009

I haven’t said the word “sausage” for going on 15 years. It’s a personal protest, don’t worry about it. Unless I’m struggling to order a pizza, this usually doesn’t present a problem. Of course, there was that time I worked at Chuck E. Cheese all four years of high school, where pizza and little kids accidentally peeing in the [...]

57 comments Don’t even act like you’re done reading…. → by Blunt Delivery

← Previous Entries

Next Entries →