Tag Archives: cookies

The Grinch Who Stole Blunt’s Christmas [And A Foxy Giveaway]

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Last year, I was robbed of my Christmas joy. I’m still in hot pursuit of the culprit, but the Grinch is definitely on my short list.

For the first time in history, I refused to put up a tree. Suffering from an almost paralyzing depression, those around me grew quite worrisome. My mother, who wouldn’t have any of it, started sending me daily cheer-up Christmas cards in the mail. Daily. Then, whenever she would “stop by,” she would sneak a mini pre-decorated Christmas tree into a different room of my house.

In January, I wrote a nasty goodbye letter to 2009, but ended it with cheerful optimism. Little did I know, however, that 2010 would present some of the biggest challenges of my life. Not, like, hiking up a mountain, challenging – a whole different kind of challenging. Cus really, would I ever be caught hiking?

I’ll forever remember 2010 as the year that everything sucked until it became awesome. I’m pleased that at least my life-changing year is a nice, round number – it plays into my ‘Monica from Friends syndrome’ quite nicely. It was a painful year of self-reflection brought on by the culmination of a lot of ongoing poor decisions. I don’t need to list the events for you, but I went into a little detail about some them in this blog. Over the year, many of my posts have been introspective in nature, about broken hearts and broken dreams and passion and valedictorian speeches. Cus I fricken love valedictorian speeches.

So how did the year finally become awesome? And no, it’s not because I had a great revelation as I was laying on a table a month ago, waiting to find out whether or not I might have breast cancer. But I was really, really cold if that counts. It took a lot more than that. This is the year that I finally broke the cycle of the miserable existence I’ve been living – the cycle of beating myself up over poor decisions I can’t change, people who will never change, and analyzing things until I am so lost in my past regrets that I have forgotten how to live in the present.

That’s what.

[click here for the rest of my blustery, Midwesterny pictures]

And as many times as someone told me: “can’t change the past, move on”  – it didn’t matter. As many times as I told myself that I hadn’t messed up my life beyond repair – it didn’t matter, cus I didn’t believe it. Life will always be a punk, but half of the battle is your outlook and response to it. As a natural-born pessimist, the cycles in my life have been beyond hard to break. I had to do some serious work on my attitude and perspective towards life. For the first time in, well, forever, I actually feel good when I wake up in the morning. I’m excited about life. And, most importantly, I no longer look at the past decade as a total waste of time and energy. It taught me a great deal and made me into a stronger person than I ever realized.

How’s that for warm and fuzzy?

Are you freaked out yet?

Have you totally hit the unsubscribe button?

Would it smooth things over if I gave stuff away?

Stuff I’m giving away to you: [I made this big and bold to make it easier for you to skip over everything else]

Since I was a child, I have wanted to open a greeting card company. Not cus I’m great at illustrations, cus I’m not. And not cus I have the hook-up with a manufacturer, cus I don’t. And not cus I was born with a natural ability to come up with clever sayings, cus I wasn’t. But because ALL OF THEM SUCK.

Guess what? I found some that don’t suck.The company is called Foxy Blunt. Could this BE more of an arranged marriage? These cards make me want to purchase stamps again, know what I mean?

So, I am giving away a boxed set of Foxy Blunt cards of your choosing plus some cool other stuff the girls are going to throw in. I might suggest the Friendship/Love set, or the Birthday set, or the Holiday set. But what I really, REALLY love is the Thank You set and the Thinking of You set.

I trust you will make the right decision.

WAIT! Hold the mistletoe!

Don’t for one second think that I’ve forgotten about my first love, Bitter Baking Company – because I could never do such a thing. In fact, we might have to enter a three-way love affair with Foxy Blunt. You will also receive a batch of my absolute favorite sarcastic holiday cookies!

HOW TO ENTER: leave a comment telling me one positive thing that happened to you this year. Contest is open until Saturday, Dec. 18th at noon.

UPDATE: Winner of this contest is J from TwentySomethings!

Your Guess Is As Good As Mine [Plus A Christmas Giveaway]

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UPDATE: Winner of this contest is FAUX TRIXIE!  I took the total number of entries, minus those who opted out cus they live in the UK and the cookies would be gross by then and added one extra entry for those who commented on my column over at The College Crush.  Sometimes, it actually pays to be the first commenter!

So, there is no shame in sharing things, you know? I happen to need a new digital camera. In fact, a camera was the one item on my Black Friday list; however, I failed miserably at getting it because I became terribly distracted by all the other sparkly, half-priced objects. Please take a moment to marvel at my use of the semicolon in the previous sentence.

So, I’ve been borrowing my dad’s lately. No. Big. Deal.

Except when you are sitting down for Friendsgiving Dinner [a Thanksgiving for friends only], and you go to review the pictures that you have taken, and you come across this:

Pretty sure I didn’t take that.

99% sure that’s my dad.

But not 99% sure why he is shirtless, with gray hair and a white hand.

As I was pondering that thought, I fought against every urge to put the camera down, scared of what I might see next.

But curiosity is such a nasty little devil. So I ate some more cheesy potatoes and kept scrolling.

Then, I’d had enough. I did what any one in my position would have done.

Showed the pictures to all my friends and took bets on what was going on.

I called my dad and told him I’d found some disturbing pictures on his camera. He started laughing, and followed it up with, “Oops. Forgot about those. You better not show them to anyone.”

Come on, dad. A little credit for your best daughter?

Many of you have asked me over the years what it is about my dad that I love so much. After all, he did scam me into raising sheep.  Well folks, this pretty much sums it up. So because I love my dad so so much, and because he just turned 59, and because I have an awesome new Christmas blog header, I’m gonna give stuff away!!!!


Bitter Baking Company and Blunt Delivery will be doing several Christmas giveaways this December. This, being the first. All, you have to do to score some sarcastically delicious cookies on your doorstep is answer the following question:

What in the world is up with my dad in these pictures?

That is the only rule. **BONUS ENTRY: you can visit my new column at The College Crush and leave me a little love. It’s hard being the new girl on the block!

Must enter by noon Wednesday, December 8!

Merry Christmakkuh!


I’m Offended For Two Reasons

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1. That half of you didn’t even notice I posted a Thanksgiving Giveaway until it was too late to enter. This makes me feel like you’re under some sort of assumption that it’s not worth bothering to check my blog cus I only post like twice a month or something? Pray tell, how and why has your perception become so skewed? This is the problem with liberal media!!

Let this be a lesson to you.

Luckily, Karaoke Activity Partner has not yet been brainwashed to believe such lies. She checked my blog like a good little robot and scored some sweet action Thanksgiving cookies from The Bitter Baking Company.

BUT, because this is the season of giving. And because you’re all so awesome when you’re not making me want to pull my hair out by the roots. And because my blog is considering having a love child with Bitter Baking Company, Blunt Delivery will be doing four more giveaways before Christmas! And not just of cookies, but other Blunt-worthy items that I’ve scouted the fruited plains for as well.

2. ‘Black’ Friday. Really? Even now with Obama and everything? [BTW: my spellchecker just suggested I replace Obama with Alabama]

Speaking of Black Friday… if you were anywhere, doing anything, at 3 am I think you should reconsider your life goals. Perhaps take a Carnival cruise. Move some furniture around. Get some bangs. Something.

My Black Friday Wrap Up= 23 stores. No snacks. No bathroom breaks. Home by 6. Add a spandex jumpsuit and some Air Jordan’s and Black Friday would have been shaking in it’s half-priced winter boots. VICTORIOUS!

Insignificant detail: Had one solitary item on my list and returned home without it.

Whatever.

When I pulled up to my house, confusion struck me. What is this box on my doorstep? I am not expecting anything. A bomb? A puppy? 1-800-FLOWERS? Cus those are all things that I don’t really want. I thought we were over Anthrax scares? What could it BE?!  Did I somehow check ‘afternoon delivery’ on my online purchases this morning?!  No. It cannot be. There is no such thing.

And then I glanced at the return address label and saw that it was my very own batch of cookies from Bitter Baking Company.

It’s was a Black Friday MIRACLE! There I was, starving, exhausted, and broke, and I arrive home to find dinner waiting on my doorstep!

See guys, there is a moral to be extracted from this story. A soul pancake to be eaten. This just goes to prove that you can buy all the stuff in the world and still come home to find yourself starving, depressed, broke and alone. That is, until you discover cookies on your doorstep. Just remember this holiday season that it isn’t stuff that will make you happy.

It’s cookies.

It was my version of achieving World Peace.

Thanksgiving Giveaway: Because I’m Thankful For You Believe It Or Not

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UPDATE: According to Random.org the WINNER IS KARAOKE ACTIVITY PARTNER! Please email me with your address immediately!

I woke up to a brilliant idea. This is no different than most days, except today’s brilliant idea means that you are about to win free Thanksgiving cookies from the Bitter Baking Company! These ladies rock my socks. You will receive a wonderful assortment  of deliciously sarcastic 3.5″ sugar cookies with meringue icing! Example:

Why the Bitter Baking Company?

Please rephrase the question.

What does this mean for you??

You will be the hit of Thanksgiving. And perhaps the envy of your siblings. And perhaps even someone will forgive a wrongdoing that you commited because you brought such incredibly hilarious baked goods. Actually, I believe that they definitely will.

TWO SIMPLE RULES:

1. Follow me on either Facebook or Twitter. If you don’t have either one then you aren’t off the hook, cus you can also subscribe. But you should already be doing this because it’s the right thing to do. ****Extra entry if you “like” Bitter Baking Co on Facebook!

2. Leave a comment saying one thing that you’re thankful for. If you can’t think of even one, then be thankful you’re possibly winning these cookies, goshdarnit.

Deadling is SUNDAY November 21 AT MIDNIGHT. I will then update this post with the name of the winner. You must email me at info [at] bluntdelivery.com by noon on Monday with your address so that the cookies can be mailed out by Monday 4:00pm. You will have them by Wednesday!

A GIANT thank you to all of you who read this blog and tell me how messed up I am, and send me encouragement when I’m hanging by a thread. You’re the greatest and your comments and blogs inspire me every day!

xoxo

Blunt.

Naked Barbie Chillin On Some Cookies?

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[I’m laying on the floor photographing the above picture, when my dad walks in the room]

Dad:  [said like he is trying to piece together the mystery of life] Barbie. Naked. Laying on a pile of mom’s chocolate chip cookies. [laughs hysterically and then pauses for two minutes.] I don’t get it.

Well, sonofagun.  Maybe I don’t either.

But my mom makes some ridiculously large and delicious chocolate chip cookies, which are clearly bigger than a pretend, unrealistically proportioned person.  And she handed me 5 batches as she walked in, also carrying a blueberry pie and 10 bags of groceries.  Immediately following this, she grabbed a paper towel and some Ajax and got to work on my shower, again proving to me why remaining in the Midwest was the sensible choice.

So while the parents were over, I decided I’d get caught up on some laundry today. .

laundry

Huh.  Well what’s that crap? A crumpled dryer sheet? No, pffft, I don’t splurge on dryer sheets.  And plus, these came out of the washer.  A napkin, perhaps? Naw… Why would I have napkins – who’s coming over the Queen?  Bob Hope?  OH…. A Kleenex. It’s totally a Kleenex.  Must have left it in a pocket or something.  Blessed Respite!

However, that was a merely child’s play compared to what I would soon discover.

paper-towels

Wait… Wha? Okay, I’m no scientist, in fact, I didn’t even finish the 6 various colleges and trade schools that I started – but that IS WAY more stuff than could be produced by a Kleenex.  And now that I think about it, I’m also too cheap to buy Kleenex. And you know what Judgy McThinkYou’reBetterThanMe?  Once you have your own place, you will be too.  AND you’ll remember to turn off the lights when you leave the room, dangit.  So you just relax.

After I’d noticed that every single garment was coated in tiny pieces of white stuff, I knew there was something terribly awry.  There was so much of it. Finally, as I reached into the washer and grabbed the last pieces of clothing, I discovered Exhibit C:

i-hate-women1

You’ve. Got. To. Be. Kidding.

How the? What the?  Ugh.

*No Barbies were harmed or humiliated during this documentary.  This is because, contrary to popular belief, they enjoy not being dressed in ridiculous outfits.