I just feel like it all moved a bit fast.
There I was, shirtless. And we hadn’t even bantered about our favorite foods. I didn’t even know his middle name. He had no clue of my sorted past with inappropriate men or that I have a constant desire to buy unnecessary office supplies. I didn’t even have the chance to make up some terribly impressive story about how I quit my job to work with Tsunami victims or feed children in Ethiopia.
In the back of my mind, I couldn’t help but be filled with doubts that this just wouldn’t turn out right.
But I was wrong.
For the second time I can vividly remember, I was terribly mistaken.
The breast biopsy results were negative.
All the juicy details to follow on the video blog. Why? Because I’m suspecting my only other competition is Wheel of Fortune, Jersey Shore, or one of about 800 shows that chronicle the life of a young law enforcement agent working on the streets of LA who quits his job every other week because he never anticipated how rough it would really be.
If you so much as even consider choosing Jersey Shore over me, we’re through.
On a serious note, I would like to give a big Blunt thank you to all of the people who emailed me and talked me off the ledge during the past month. Specifically, my new girlfriend Vodka and Ground Beef, and my Colorado other half, Twenty Somethings. It’s amazing how much you can relate to people you’ve never actually met. I’d say it’s the main, if only reason, I keep this old blog going.
So between the biopsy, the financial issues, a family crisis, relationship stuff, a bff having a baby – I apologize for my absence. I’ll be getting over to your blogs this week and thanks for sticking around… MUAH!
I’ll be back in a couple days with some introspective Thanksgiving-ish post!
U…the non-man.
Who loves you, baby?
Denny Dance. That’s who.
denny… i thought about you as my life flashed before my eyes.
Perhaps you could sell timeshare in the use of your boobs…now that you’re getting comfortable with the touching before the first date? It won’t take long to recoup the cash!
(glad you’re not dying! Definite bonus).
X
jen – i know, right? i’m glad you’re not dying either, as far as i know. you’re awesome, and thanks again for all your help!
Luckily I’m not dying either…that’s probably all you need to know…well, unless you particularly wish to know more?
You have your health, Miss, that’s the main thing. I’m giving you the African name of Mazinzima, which means “girl with the cute forehead that doesn’t need ointments”.
gorilla – are you getting fresh with me by way of complimenting my naked forehead? really. it’s time for you to tell me who you freaking are?!
hey chickidee,
im very glad that the results are good, big hugs. and i tell u i think the face “make up” can be the next big trend in fashion! hehe
thanks susi…. there isn’t a night that goes by i don’t bust out a face mask. y’all will just have to get used to seeing it!
I am like totally disappointed, I was expecting more of a ‘show & tell’ video not a ‘masked bandita’ in sweats :p
On a serious note, whew…but ouch on the bill. When faced with something that we are totally powerless over, we tend to reprioritize things rather quickly & take time to appreciate the lil things.
Peace & Grace my fair Britt
thanks shawn =) yes, i have been keeping a very positive attitude. i realize, that without your health, you really have nothing. it’s truly the best blessing
Ok, first I wanna say….I am soooooo happy to hear you’re okay – whew! I know that must have been one hell of a scare.
Second, I just wanna give a HUGE hug and tell ya how much we’ve been missed.
(((( Blunt ))))
Third, even with all the stuff you’ve been going through, your brilliant humor always shines through. This vlog is HYSTERICAL!
So glad your back, girl!
X ya!
ron… i’ve missed you BESTIE!!! can’t wait to catch up on your life. so, sit down, tell me allll about it – i just bought some new creme brulee coffee creamer.
Gurl, your Vlogs are getting betta and betta. Good to have you back Bluntster. Can I get a Blunt Delivery branded mud mask somewherez?
love – spanks. and um, did i miss something… why are you talking like a white rapper now?
Speaking as your lawyer…I can think of at minimum 7 different people we should sue from that story, including the government of North Korea.
Oh, yeah and I’m glad you and your boob aren’t dying.
josh – thank goodness someone has their head screwed on straight around here. when i cursed north korea, the nurses were so confused. they just don’t get it.
Hey there, Blunt. I’m glad you’re doing ok. I missed your posts!
thoughts – thanks dear! missed you all too
Here’s how we’re ACTUALLY each other’s other half:
When I got MY biopsy two years ago, I too tried to talk about casual, simple things like the weather. (did they give you that AMAZING laughing gas where time kind of stops and you’re totally clear but end up saying random shit and forgetting any and all pain?) I thought I was being hilarious but really I was drunk on nitrate or whatever the hell it was and also scared fuckless.
PS: I’m so glad you’re as healthy as you are hilarious – which is 200%. LOVES YOU.
j – gurlll… shoot. you really need to move to chicago. i’ve had it with this stupid long distance relationship
Sooo, without getting into the details, have I ever told you that we’re like the exact same person? You gotta stop stealing my life.
I suppose I’ll forgive you though, because I missed you a bunch and I’m glad to see you’re back and cancer-free!!! PHEWWW, right?
taylor- everyone keeps telling me to stop stealing their lives. yet, i seem to be the common denominator… hmmm… i think you are the thieves here! but, thanks darling. xoxo
Oh so many things
A. How come Vodka knew that you needed talking off the ledge but I didn’t?
B. I get why you don’t cover your forehead but why not your mustache?
C. I’ll send you $5 in the mail to cover your expenses during your live like you’re dying phase.
D. $8,000. That sounds like someone might actually be inclined to get a real job finally just for the insurance.
E. Glad you are OK. 🙂
bear-
a -well, she probably paid attention to the 75 facebook and twitter updates that i posted. …
b – same reason as the forehead
c- i don’t need your grubby $5. but denny might.
d – i do have insurance, but i have like a 3k deductible, cus i’m self-employed, remembeR?
e – thanks 😉
I really need to actually start reading posts on fb and twitter.
First, congrats on your negative test results. My father has battled renal cancer since 2006, so I understand – in some small way – the haunting it plays on your mind. I’m very happy to hear the good news.
Second, I totally agree with your love of Vodka and Groundbeef – she, like you, is a shining star.
Third, I, like you, find much comfort in my blogging band of misfits who I’ll never meet, but I think are the coolest people on the planet and I wish we all lived together in a Charlie Manson like commune together. My grandfather has been in and out of the hospital since the KAP took over my body, and writing a bunch of bullshit makes me feel so much better – if not laugh.
Fourth, I love the photo of the ass grab. Beautiful. I love a good old fashioned ass grab.
Congrats again!
kAP – shining star?!?! now come on, i don’t know if i’d go THAT far??
well, okay, go ahead. hah. And on the charlie manson commune, i know right? the only down side to meeting all these great people is that they don’t live close. Except V and Faux… I got them at least.
Watching your video was like being thrown back in time six months. Only instead of a biopsy I had a colpsocopy (same thing, but down lower). This the conversation I had with my sister (who’s also a Nurse) pre-procedure:
Me- So, what exactly is a colposcopy, anyway?
Sister (Did I mention she’s a NURSE?)- Er, isn’t that when they stick a camera up your butt?
Me- Huh? You’re thinking of a colonoscopy, jackass.
Sister- Oh. What’s a colposcopy, then?
Thank God she’s not my nurse. I can just imagine a patient going in for a tonsillectomy, and my sister prepping them for surgery by shaving their privates.
(Er, sorry for the TMI…just wanted you to know I can relate.:))
I’m glad you’re okay, Blunt.:)
bschooled – p.s. the whole time i was reading that, i INDEED thought you were talking about a colonoscopy. i was so very very confused. hah.
but yea… it’s pretty scary, i’m not gonna lie
This woman I thought was pretty cool deleted my message on a personals site, googled “i hate women” and found your blog some how..
good stuff..the blog date thing made me laugh.
nate – haha! welcome to my disgruntled edge of the internet. you definitely aren’t the only one who’s found me cus they hate women. you should see my search stats… its ridic!
ahh that is fantastic! Feels like I’ve come home after a long journey.
welcome home nate. welcome
I’ve had a colonoscopy and colposcopy. They both suck.
Bschooled and Blunt, I’m glad you’re both ok.
Sorry you had to go through all that. I had a scare recently but it didn’t go past a second mammogram. The video was hilarious. You rock per usual. Stay healthy so you can post more!
jen – ah, well thanks, but it’s not your fault dear. yea, its definitely beyond scary and something you can’t quite understand til you go through it. phew.
HAD I KNOWN I WOULD HAVE EMAILED YOU. Also, I love Vodka & Ground Beef. I feel like, between you, me, v, Lola, and V&GB, we should start a snarky blogger superhero club. I want to have invisibility.
faux … are we friends on facebook?? if not, hit me up. i tweeted about it too… way to pay attention. that’s what i get for posting almost 100% useless information, i guess nobody listens. woe is me. but i agree on this super hero club. my hair is already cut in the wonderwoman V
I WILL hit you up on facebook. Don’t be creeped out when some girl you’ve never heard of friends you. That’s just me, sans pseudonym.
I must have missed the tweet. Did you tweet past my bedtime?
I LOVE THIS WHOLE VIDEO. do more of them.
x
sandy- i have a whole arsenol of videos. don’t even sweat it.
Hey Brit 🙂 Really glad you’re okay. I usually think about your breasts when I read your blog but this time I’m gonna be unselfish and say I’m glad you’re well for you.
On a serious note, I was gonna write to you about an ex of mine (from my teens), who survived cancer and held me so tight one night that it finally registered in my thick head what the hell it was she had gone through. I hope that’s enough to tell you that I know how worried you must have been. I have been blessed with health so I’m sending you some of mine telepathically (except my mental health of course but I can cover a lot of that with the label ‘eccentricity’. It works well if you’re English)
Now, it’s time for some slight racism because I like to appeal to everybody.
Dear Americans,
SORT.OUT.YOUR.HEALTH.CARE.SYSTEM.IT.IS.F/*KING IMMORAL!!!
Sorry about that. But for a ‘rich’ country where religion plays a more important role in things compared to other so-called ‘westernised’ countries the notion of paying 6 million dollars for a band-aid one day and then being told to be ‘your brothers keeper’ the next, just doesn’t add up to me. I won’t get into all the philosophy and politics of it here but I’ll just say ‘Nixon was a nice man, wasn’t he? and state that sometimes I can be sarcastic.
I’m still unmarried so if you want to marry me for use of our NHS over here then it’s cool. And of course free…… Then I’ll have an affair with someone who’s French because their health system is even better than ours. Then we can all live happily together in French Canada and I’ll have an affair back with you and that will be okay because the French don’t mind that sort of thing. It sounds odd but at the very least we’ll all be very healthy when we come to kill each other in our mid 90’s with life still being exciting. ‘Showdown at the old age home’
Did I mention my mental health?
A dedication, for doing your own thing sista,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2iDNMUtw_CQ
aw shucks winston. wait, are you canadian or british?? i don’t know if you ever clarified that. perhaps it was muddled in the middle of one of your rants and i didn’t notice. that is VERY possible. haha.
You mean to tell me you just BOUGHT stuff from stores when you thought you were dying???? Ummm…Disneyworld, its where everyone that is dying wants to go…
nikki- i can honestly say i’ve never given a crap about disneyworld. i think it’s partly cus bipolar guy kept trying to get me to go there and i knew he wanted to propose. so i think i’m just scared of it forever now
Blunty-Blunt,
I’m glad for two things: First, that you got felt up by Kim (or “King,” as you called him – hilarious) Jong-il. There’s nothing more awesome.
Second, I’m glad you’re alright. I would have given you my boob, but you know that. You also said you wanted something perkier after you saw the photos of my boobs. What was up with that? Was that when you were on your “live like I’m dying” say-anything-I-want kick? Hmm.
You know I love you. Best news ever hearing your boob is magic and shot that cyst like Atari Asteroids.
vodka – i can’t tell you how heartwarming it was when you sent that proof-book of boob shots for me to look through. between that and my mom’s homeade soup, i hardly had any stress.
i’m sorry for any irrational comments i threw your way – i can only blame it on the fact that i thought i wasn’t long for this world. you know i lurve you more than my left, magical boob
Brit, I went through this same damn exact thing when I was 22. Papsmear, crazy old lady feeling my boob…keeps feeling, squishing, poking, feeling… Oh, its probably not cancer “you are too young”, but, you may want to have that looked at!
I want you to know I know exactly how you feel. I couldn’t even drive back home after that. Then rediculous medical bills later (no insurance) oh, its a cyst. We can’t even see it on the ultradound!
Anyway…love you. I like the videos. They are funny!
thanks heather… yea i think its pretty much something no one can relate to til it actually happens to them. i can’t imagine what it would be like to get BAD results. my heart goes out to those people.
We’ll always stick around for you dear! Grats on the good news! And grats on another superb vlog! You are getting a nice shiny spot on my new blogroll 🙂
aw shucks cynicism. i think you’ve paid your dues. i just had to make sure you weren’t one of these fly by night commenters. i shall add you to mine as well!
yea to the bosoms!!! You get to keep them both…however i liked my idea of just getting them taken out and getting fake ones just so you’ll never had to wear a bra for the next 1o years till you’ll have to replace them with new ones!! Braless and still in place! It’s like unheard of!!!
Better a magic popping lump than the alternative, glad the only thing that came out of it was debt.
perfect. not the imploding boob lump. but the way you reenter into the blogosphere. really. it’s perfect.
So glad you’re back and SO GLAD you’re ok!
Holy shizzzzzzzzzzzzz – been there ;-/ I rather get a tooth pulled than a mamogram, by the way. Glad it all worked out.
Don’t know how I missed this post before, but that video cracked me up. Also, really glad you’re okay and the magical lump disappeared – too bad it couldn’t have pulled the vanishing act before the ultrasound though, eh?
Oh em gee. That deserved to be spelled out. I had no idea. And I feel like an asshole for having had no idea. Even though… why would I know? Well, I just feel bad. And glad! Bad that I was mad that you weren’t blogging. And bad that you had to go through all of that. And obviously, glad, glad, glad that you’ll be with us for a lot, lot longer.
BTW, I love how we can see your mask drying as the vid progresses. Very nice touch.
So… wait. Did you have an internal boob zit that Kim Jong-il just needed to pop with his giant boob needle?
Hey… guess that’s better than the alternative! Glad you’re ok! 🙂
Pingback: The Grinch Who Stole Blunt’s Christmas [And A Foxy Giveaway]