12 Step Breakup Recovery Program

It’s been twelve days since my last post. Accident? Please. We’re not talking about Denny DelVecchio here. I’m trying to subliminally remind that you that the twelve days of Christmas are just around the corner and it’s in your best interest to put the danish down and put the tree up. Don’t be one of those scrooges that waits til the day after Thanksgiving. Why even bother with the holidays if that’s how you’re gonna be?

I also thought we could channel any pent up rage you might have against me for not posting into something beneficial… like, learning. So while I’m working on my new soon-to-be smash hit “She’s Just Not That Into You Volume. 1 of 250,” I wanted to take some time out to educate you on a subject matter that I have mastered: the breakup.

There isn’t a one of you out there who hasn’t been through this dreadful necessity of life called The Breakup. Unless you’re 17, in which case, you shouldn’t require this information because you shouldn’t be dating yet. And if you are, I’m very offended. At your mom. Or dad. Or two moms. Or foster parents for not protecting your innocence. And I’m also offended at you for throwing such a fit about it and playing the “I’ll just run away then I can do whatever I want” card that they had no choice but to just give in and let you. I can just see you doing that snotty little voice that you do.

Darnit, the both of you.

Clearly, this topic is too deeply personal to not convey face-to-face …so I have opted for a video blog.  And I am quite certain if you follow this 12 Step Program, you will find yourself back in the saddle and riding off into the sunset with the strapping, young [and better looking than the last one] cowboy or girl of your choice.

*I apologize if I look like I haven’t slept in about two weeks. Cus I haven’t.

Yea yea, so I cut it off too soon. Whatevs. It was late.

Anyway, thanks for sticking around even though I’ve been MIA. I promise it was for good reason. But can I get some sort of credit for actually replying to my comments these days???

I’ll be visiting you all later today.

74 thoughts on “12 Step Breakup Recovery Program

  1. Brilliant. I’m showing this to my females so they’ll know what to do when the time comes. What a compassionate woman you are, making educational films to help people deal with personal tragedies. And thanks for editing out all the bits where you’re picking your nose, I really appreciate that.

  2. If only you made this post sooner, I wouldn’t be a depressed, under weight, anorexic, alcoholic cook that is afraid of baking cakes!


    Hilarious!…But yet practical..hmm

    • trueman – i’m sorry. i knew i felt the pressing need to get this blog out, but just didn’t know why. i should listen to my instincts more often… ugh. hope the video can still be of assistance though!

  3. Mornin young lass. I try the first one, but when I get to working I forget to eat. Seems to be a conflict of interest between 3 & 5 (Highlights). Puppy thing definitely a bad idea…takes too much time & attention away from sulking. Kittens are better, then you can later moan about the fur all over the place. Perhaps we should volunteer for step 10 :p but then, when I close my eyes I would see that which I am trying to get over…maybe kissing toads a better idea. Definitely 12. Get over it. How? jump into another one and repeat cycle. Yep, while obsessing to get over last one, you’ve usually forgotten about the previous one or at least the thoughts and feelings are not as intense. Isn’t that dating 101?

  4. When I think life just can’t get any better, you come along and give us life wisdom that guarantees riding off into sunsets with cowgirls. Bless you. And what the super-fudge?!?! Did some insane whackjob break up with you?! Who is this disgrace to humanity?! (Please say it ain’t so)

  5. OMG…this was FREAKIN’ hysterical!

    Step 8 – Watch Schindler’s List – bwhahahahahahaha!

    I’m sitting here sipping by morning coffee and SPEWING while watching this FOUR times. You need to have your own cable TV show, girl! LOVE how you edited this – brilliant!

    Missed you. Glad you’re back!


    • ron – oh man. that means four people didn’t really watch my video?!?! it was ALL YOU?!? how depressing!!!!

      or amazing. cus that means you’re not only my bestie but my biggest fan! haha.

      missed you peaches xoxo

  6. Man what a process. I suppose I could handle the no more spy bys etc. IF I was in fact distracted by following your steps. I have a short attention span so how about combining some of these steps, just so I can stick to the steps? As in cramming my face with cake while doing a spy by with a puppy. Then making out with a person that I don’t like who has douche bag hilights while watching Schindler’s List. Yes, your program will definitely work for me. Brilliant steps!

    • actually roomie, if you remember correctly you DID almost complete all these steps. i remember a certain person enrolling in a cake decorating class AND watching The Boy In Striped Pajamas, which may as well be Schindler’s list, and i’m pretty sure you got some highlights. HOWEVER, i was just referring to guys getting those bleachy ones – not yours of course.

  7. Still confused on the highlight thing.

    What was the last step “Get Over” What really does that mean….”Get Over” Get over the hump, Get over yourself and call them? so confused.

    • bearman – get. over. it. i think that’s probably the best way to get over a breakup. just get over it. and the highlight thing was just a contradiction. i’m full of em. u should know that by now

  8. This is so hysterical! I love your editing. And your edgy sarcasm. And, of course, the thing about staying hydrated. I’m so glad Ron turned me on to your blog. I just followed him over here one day and next thing you know I’m hooked. Kind of like I need a 12 step program. Or 11 steps. 🙂

  9. I wish you lived next store.

    I love step 8. In case of dire emergencies, fast forward to the mass killing scenes. Then you’ll REALLY feel like a jerk.

    • j – next STORE? as in like, running a gift shop or something? Baha. but forreals. you + me + ron. man. life couldn’t work out more splendidly unless i were in a drew barrymore romcom.

  10. And when I say “Next store,” I’m typing phonetically for “next door.”

    Because I like to change it up.
    And not admit my mistakes.

  11. If you get emails from people who didn’t really “work” this program you can be sure they didn’t follow steps 4, 5 and 6 because I’m confident that if those three steps were followed they’d be over it.

  12. Ummm, Wow.

    This is a true treasure trove of amaze-balls.

    I was dying at minute 1:13 when you kind of just cash out for a moment. Hi-larious.

    My favorite moment probably EVER: Step 7: Just do whatever you want.

    But then you had to follow that gem up with Step 8: Watch Schindler’s List.

    You’re my goddess and hero. I got dumped like 4 times this past summer (and I wasn’t even dating like three of them), and if I’d only seen this video sooner, maybe I would have had a fighting chance at getting over those people. Anyhow, I just downloaded the soundtrack to Schindler’s List and I’m about to take a really slow, contemplative walk around my neighborhood.

    Awesome. It was worth the 12 days wait.

  13. damn. That delivery was even blunter than the blogdate how to. Were you chewing your ‘scrips, after applying lip gloss? Who does your hair and makeup for these shoots? I’m sending this to my guy at Fox. He works in the cafeteria, but still.

  14. OMFG. In my blogging hiatus your blog got a sexy format AND you’re vlogging now? YES.

    I, too, think it’s important to get fat after a break-up. It’s important to take full advantage of the times where no one is going to see you naked.

    • denny- that sentence not only outed you as a “blog player” but also officially upgraded our status to that of a gay best blogging friendship.

      and i like it. although Ron might get jealous.

  15. Video blogs are sooooo sillah! I’ll keep this advice in mind and pray that I never need it. . . I’ve also been mia lately, so your off my hook!

  16. Very timely post. I think I may need to be referring to these in, like, a minute. For reals.

    Oh, and I always do #7 too. It drives me up the wall when people offer advice and tell me what I should do, because I always revert back to #7. It just works.

  17. Jebus fruiting Christ, Blunt.

    So I’m watching Schindlers List with my girlfriend and right after the scene where Amon Goeth is picking off a few Jewish prisoners with his rifle, I press pause on the DVD remote, take a heavy intake of breath and tell her

    ‘Hey baby, …..err.. listen…….. I’m sorry… but I don’t think our relationship is really working out’

    You now owe me for a replacement DVD player and punitive damages for my dog that’s now anxious around any electrical goods.

    I thought (because of your wholly seductive program) that if I dumped her during the film, we’d have the rest of the film for us both to immediately get over it. Now on reflection I find myself unsure of what exactly she was all crying at but feeling oddly glad that it could’ve been worse as she only ever referred to herself as half-Jewish. You have thus made me slightly racist when before I was quite evidently nice, always trying to do good things with a good heart.

    Of course this is not surprising considering your previous entry illustrating this blogs blatant race hate stance.

    You may argue that as a disabled man (which I’m not) who needs to use a wheelchair (which I don’t), I should not be participating in a step based program anyway. You may argue this because I have yet to turn into a Fascist like you that tells everybody to follow incorrect programs that won’t be useful for a fake disabled person like me (of course this extra ‘body’ prejudice from you popping up from alleged kindness is really no surprise as I am starting to work out). Therefore, I somehow amazingly hope that you’re working on a 12 roll program which isn’t bread based although that would be ‘the nuts’ as well and by nuts I don’t mean nuts unless, of course, I do.


    ‘Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells.’

    (It’s an old British joke)

    • winston- i CRACKED up reading this. bahaha! i’ll work on the rolling out another form of the 12 step program. How insensitive of me! and just when i thought i was making progress by discovering the error of my prejudice ways…

      i guess we are always improving.

  18. This is my favorite vidoe EVER.

    Thanks to you, I not only didn’t highlight my hair, I also highlighted my hair, baked a cake (and ate it), then decided to do whatever I wanted, which, coincidentally enough, was to watch Schindler’s List!

    I feel like me, only the not desperate version. (And not to brag or anything but my hair looks great.)

  19. You could do what I do and have a ton of sex with anonymous men. Oh wait. No, I don’t do that. Because that would make a whore. Right? I mean, I’d be pretty slutty. So, I’m retracting. I have never done that, ever.

  20. Hi, I’m new in class.

    Anyway, excellent process. I will commence immediately.

    Now you said, you didn’t mean alocohol…does that preclude it…if it does, do I have to start over?

  21. You are such a good Samaritan. Keep the advice coming. And, I too have fallen off the blogging train. Finally got a new post up. Life just seems to get in the way especially when you aren’t getting paid to write this stuff.

  22. This is fantastic.

    I’ve ran into a few ex girlfriends that have gained quite a bit of weight but it can really cause a dilemma. I was with a friend one time at a store and I ran into a girlfriend from like 5 years prior. She was HUGE. It was so awkward because I had to explain to my friend that she used to be really really hot but obviously it was hard for him to believe.

    P.S. Don’t tell anyone but I’m really bad at getting over some relationships. I’m a fan of flings, but when I really like someone and then it doesn’t work out it really makes me sad in the pants.

    I love this video, I think it’s definitely the funniest vlog I’ve seen.

  23. This is just awesome! “Why are you trying to get skinny and get them back!” Love it!

    I try to look at your blog at work, but it’s blocked….

    Don’t highlight your hair… #3 – that’s so true! (#5, maybe get some highlights)

    You’re a Karaoke Activity Partner!!!!

  24. I like your writing. I actually read it – you know what I mean? Hang in there, and jeez, you’re young, you’re daring, you’re irreverent. Do the fuck what you want. Color you hair – shave it – whatever. Take risks. Live.

    P.S. I’m adding you to my blogroll. Please keep posting.

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