That would be an exact quote from my loving, very proud, first-time father the moment I was born into this world. I thought for years this was due to the fact that he had never seen a newborn in all it’s alien likeness before; however, my mom set the record straight when she told me I was indeed, super ugly.
I share this heart-warming tale about my birth with you because today would be the anniversary of that very day. But I hate birthdays. And they despise me. They never call. They never write. All they do is sneak around and steal another year of my life away, while gently whispering in my ear all that I’ve failed to accomplish. As if I haven’t been robbed enough times in my life.
Speaking of robberies, you do know that from 2006-2007 I was robbed six times, right? Your ears did not deceive you. Six.
I say all this, to say, that I got locked outside in the blazing sun yesterday, during a heat advisory with 100 + degree weather. Oh, and I was half nekkid. You don’t see the correlation? I’m getting there.
So I have the kind of mother who begged me to put on a baseball cap and “look as ugly as possible” when I was driving home after dark. I have the kind of dad who got a boy expelled after spitting in my face in the second grade. So my parents were a bit over-protective. After I got the hole in my head, everything took a turn for the worse. But then after the drug dealer robbery and the stalking that followed… ENTER: all-time world record for protectiveness. Just hold your horses, cus I’m about to blow your mind as I weave all these storylines together in a way that only a masterful literary genius, such as myself, possibly could.
So what does this have to do with me almost dying of heat exhaustion and /or embarrassment yesterday? Well, it was sunny out. I opened my sliding door and stepped out onto my porch, where I sat for about an hour, trying to become a bronze goddess and think of excuses why I can’t go jogging with my friend. I vowed to go with her everyday, except I didn’t go once last week, and instead ate all of the ice cream I got at the Edys 5/$10 sale. We went a day ago, and there wasn’t ONE solitary car at the bike path. I said, “Dana, does this tell you that maybe we shouldn’t run during a heat advisory? She said, “We’ll burn more calories this way.”
So after an hour, I suddenly realize: “Holy crapballs, I’m about to die.” The heat index was 115 + humidity yesterday. I stand up, drenched in sweat, and as I reach for the handle on my sliding door, I feel friction. Huh. That’s odd. Usually it SLIDES right open. It’s a sliding door. I try again, and remember that it can only lock from the inside… OH, SNAP I’m having an optical illusion… I AM dying!
No, no. One of the wooden bars that my father had installed on every door and window as “extra security” to keep potential robbers out had somehow fallen down from being propped up, landed exactly in the correct groove, and locked me out. I know you’re thinking I have a spare key around there somewhere, ha? Oddly, after six robberies, you don’t hide spare keys under easily-accessible mats or fake rocks anymore. I know you’re thinking I had a garage door opener in my car, right? Well, since I finally cleaned it out after 2 years, it was actually parked inside.
So I spent the next 2 hours, nearly passing out from heat [there’s no shade on my porch] and confined to a scolding hot cement slab. Why? 1. I was wearing swimsuit bottoms and quasi see-through tank top. 2. I had no shoes on. As I stood there half dead, with my bottle of tanning oil, and empty water cup, all I could think was: “Thank God, now I have an excuse not to go jogging.”
Happy Birthday fellow crab. Please expect a Hoops and Yoyo belated Birthday card in the mail (along with your new subscription to Men’s Health)
bearman – why thank you. and i’d much rather get men’s health. it would make much more sense to me than any women’s magazine ever could.
hickory – well thanks for stopping by!!! of course i got back in, eventually. i had to call upon the rents. sigh… when don’t i.
jen – never. never shall i do such a thing.
skye – yes, i’m aware of this. my house sucks. yea… maybe its just a cancer thing? or maybe we’re just pessimists… or maybe we just have issues?
Dang I got locked out of my house once but there was no way to get back in so I had to break a window. How did you get back in?
So glad you survived as where would I go for my regular dose of dysfunctional humor? Oh, that’s right I can just read my own blog, but that’s boring.
Happy Birthday and please put on some sunscreen!
Girl you have got the worst luck in the world! It’s no wonder that your parents have always been so overly protective of you, sounds like you need it! Sorry to hear that that protectiveness backfired on you this time though. What a horrible b-day present your house gave you. By the way, how did you manage to get back inside?
Happy Birthday from a true crab, I’m a cancer according to my zodiac or whatever you want to call it, and well, I hate b-days too. I truly do hope that your day is a good one though!
I got locked outside on my upstairs deck once. When I let the door slam shut the hook just happened to land in the hole. Luckily Kent “finally heard me” after me yelling for 45 minutes. I’m still not convinced he was not trying to shut out my ranting once and for all though……
awesome – hahahaha. oh, kent. you can do nothing right. maybe he was trying to get back at you for poisoning Solomon?
jill – ugh. the ‘rents. they rescued me. you know, being me, i had to give a spare key out.
Are you saving how you got in for another post??
Happy Birthday funny lady!
Try not to OD on aloe.
Agreed on birthdays… they can suck it. They are like an abusive relationship. They “hit you cus they love you” and yet every year, you keep coming back to them. So… Happy Abusive Relationship With Age Day!
Enjoy the birthday! I assume you’ll be color coordinating your outfit to match tonight’s dinner, per usual. Unless, of course, the best color scheme is that quasi see-through tank top, in which case your parents (or grandpa, if he’s still around) might not be amused.
A story well-told indeed. Hope you have a great birthday, as conniving as they can be. And stay inside . . .
chris – thank you sir. and oh, they are SO conniving. sneaky bastards
candice – now, now. thats the worst advice ever!
rachel – aw rach… such a loyal supporter. i haven’t let him read it yet… still contemplating that one. and speaking of parents, he rescued me. of course.
Hey, another year you’re still alive despite all those incidents! woooo happy birthday! now go be irresponsible and get hammered.
Great post. I stopped home on my lunch break and was happy to see you’d posted; now I have some entertainment to get me through my long afternoon ;). HA!
Seriously, though, did you let your dad read the Father’s Day post?
And, how’d you get back into your house?! Finish the story! 😉
Have a good one…here’s to not dying of heat exhaustion!
Sooooo….how’d you get in?? And BTW….HAPPY UNWANTED BIRTHDAY TO YOU!! 🙂
yorks – why, unwanted thank you to you. the pops rescued me. OF COURSE.
brandon – why thank you for your loyal, and continued support. and yes, you have given up on your blog. i’ll believe it when i see it. and as far as the tank top, i had the straps down off my shoulders OKAY? gees. i know whats up
constant – nope, not possible to break into my house. i wasn’t about to break a window, i’d rather die of heat exhaustion.
[this is where you can insert the beginning of the time in my life when I took a trip to Crazy Town and lost my dammed mind]
This is also the point where we started talking and I followed most of the ride… at least as well as I could in between random disappearances.
You know I’ll follow you through your next 3 dozen blogs and other avenues of posting as well (except Twitter, unless I somehow get conned or held at gunpoint to sign up for it). We may act like an old married couple, but at least we’ll never be the couple that completely hates each other. It’s just not possible.
And for what it’s worth, I have not given up on my blog. I almost posted something today, but then I got distracted by a shiny object. I’ll probably start posting again at some point, especially once my friends start attempting to set me up with girls this summer. (And yes, this is happening.)
And now I must ask a question: How in the hell do you become a “bronze goddess” with not just any tan lines, but tan lines from a tank top?
Oh, and to prove I’m not afraid of your blog: Happy Birthday, woman.
I’ve gotten locked out before too and it sucks. I once thought – yeah, it would be easy to break into my house. Well, I realized just how hard it was when I was standing out in the driveway in my boxes that fine morning.
Great post and Happy Birthday!!!
Happy Birthday! You think you hate birthdays? Puh-leese! Yours is in June. Mine is December 26th. Everyone on the planet is busy NOT thinking about my birthday. I hope you have a great day. And btw, your mother didn’t burst into tears at the sight of you and shout “NO! Where’s MY baby?” so you couldn’t have been that ugly 🙂
Nice weave and Happy Birthday.
Happy Anniversary On Becoming Alive, BD! I’ll commemorate this historic event by getting naked and drenching myself in sweat. And don’t ask where I’m keepin’ the birthday candles. 😀
I’m pretty disappointed Brit. You tell me that this story is going to end with you half naked and it ends with a picture of your patio door. So there I sat with the little General at full attention and the only picture of you on this page that showed even a little skin, could send me to jail for the rest of my life. Franticly I searched through all of your previous posts (so as not to waste a perfectly good woody), looking for the Wonder Woman photo. But by the time I found it … the little General had left the building! Thanks for nothing.
Happy Birthday you @#&$ tease! LOL.
Hey Girl! Happy Birthday!! Woohoo…
Wow, a hole in your head. That’s um yeah. So anyway, sorry you got locked out of the house. That stinks. And your dad only meant well. You know, like when he trimmed your landscaping.
Again, Happy Birthday! Cute pics btw…
theresa- haha. yes, my dad always means well. sigh. i know, right? aren’t those pics super cute? why couldn’t that continue?
susi – thanks little lady!!! truly, it was all worth it. uh, or something like that.
happy birthday miss thang! but i hope that despite all of the things that has happened in your life… that at this culminating point… all that suffering and problems and crazy town advetures were all worth it for that fabulous broze goddess tan.
Happy Birthday!!! Only you would have a cake to match your bathing suit!!
So you are one of those those joggers I drive by on 100+ degree humid days, and say to myself,”Now that is one flippin’ looney tune bird!!” Do you have any idea how sweaty and pained/tortured your face looks as I pass by in my air conditioned car??
(Quit frying your skin!!!)
zelzee – give it up already. i’m not stepping slowly away from the sun. and p.s. thats what I THINK of those joggin people when i drive by them too. trust me, it is against my will. i’m one of those people who feels guilty when i say i’ll do something, you know? but in the wintertime? forget about it. there’s no way anyone will convince me to do that crap.
Well, I was hoping for a photo of you sweaty and naked at the end, but what sort of imbecile would you have been to have taken a photo of yourself at that point in the story? The same type of imbecile I am for expecting that photo, I suppose.
Stone ugly, eh? You did quite a turnaround.
Happy Birthday! I love you and your awesome family.
How about a little of all that you mention Blunt? I think that about sums it up right nice!
tim – aw shucks. thanks.
mama – smooches!!!
skye… sigh.
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I think the same thing would have come to mind. I love a legit excuse not to exercise…
Oh, and I rocked a rainbow swimsuit like that back in the day, too!
that swimsuit rocked ronnica. ROCKED
Oh wow….I missed your birthday…..hmmm….
But Hey!…..we’ve got so much in common! 😀
I’m old………..and your getting there. 🙂
I’m also big on locking myself out and………hey look!…..my mom had the same white coffee carafe that your mom had. 🙂
It’s almost like we are living mirrored lives…………………….but not. 😉
Wishing you a very belated Happy Birthday………….and all the Crisco laden butter cream icing you can down.
aw thanks robin… haha.
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