Tag Archives: birthday

5 Things Men Do That Annoy The Crap Outta Women

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Wait, why are you holding a giant calendar with red X’s all over it?

…And why is there a whistle around your neck?

Did you recently become a gym teacher?

STOP TAPPING YOUR FOOT! What do you mean it’s only been a week and I’ve already broken my promise of posting on Monday, Wednesday and Friday?

Well, well, smartypants.. perhaps you missed the memo where I mentioned that I’m now going off the ancient Mayan calendar. Bam, roasted! That also means that you’ve only got until 2012 before the earth explodes, which makes this whole broken promise thing seem a bit trite, eh?

Besides, you need to lay off me cus my birthday is on Friday and I’m having a breakdown.

Now. I realize that I’m pretty rough on women in this neck of the woods.* And guys, I feel like you might think you you have a free pass around these parts.* Well, sike. You better not even think you do, cus you don’t. I will further support that statement with the following numbered list of 5 Things Men Do That Annoy The Crap Outta Women:

1. Leave the bathroom floor covered in water. Question: Are you capable of washing your face and/or hands without turning the entire bathroom into a slip ‘n slide? Question: Is it possible to take a shower and actually step onto the conveniently provided mat when drying off?

2. Don’t properly take care of your feet. I’m not exactly sure what happens here. Question: Why does almost every man between the ages of 18 and 80 have at least one (if not all) deformed toenail? It’s either yellow, or crusty, or infested with some sort of mystery fungus that is resistant to over the counter treatments. In most cases, all of the above.

3. Leave a new toilet paper roll on top of the counter instead of putting it on the holder. Question: I’m too furious to ask a question right now.

4. Always being the hero, even if it requires making up a fake crisis. Man: Did you see that guy? He totally just checked you out! Who does he think he is? Can’t he see you’re with me? He’s totally staring at you?! Girl: Um, I didn’t even notice anything. Man: Stay right here. I’m gonna take care of this. Girl: Can’t we just go eat? I’m hungry.

5. Refuse to check the order at the drive thru. You know it’s gonna be wrong, it always is. Ask my metro sexual bff Kenny what happens when he fails to check my order and it’s wrong. Just ask him. [Speaking of, Happy Birthday Kenny. It just isn’t the same without you around here to throw a highly inappropriate combined birthday party with.]

Ladies, please feel free to add to the list.

That being said, guys, you know I love you. You fill the world with muscles, sweat, problem solving skills, a wealth of useless facts and movie trivia, the ability to vaguely determine the general origin of a scary car noise, and an endless supply of “It’s going to be okay’s.” But, sometimes, I just want to strangle you with that loosely fitted metro sexual tie.

*I’ve recently spent a lot of time at my parents’ country house. Sorry.

rockford-il-engagement-photographer

Check out my latest photography post Where Have All The Good Looking People Gone?

 

Brace Yourself Kid, This Is BIG

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Do you have your big girl pants on? If so, please check the fly because that would be grossly inappropriate for this blog. Are you ready to GET SERIOUS!? Are you ready to have your mind blown? I sure hope so, cus the last thing I need is for you to come crying to me when you’re caught off guard with my big announcement.

Crap. But what if it isn’t really that big?** And now I’ve built it up and you have all these unrealistic expectations of big-ness… Ugh, I suck under pressure.***  Well, here goes. Today, I received the worst news that someone such as myself could possibly receive. Aside from my leaky faucet, broken toilet and Corey Haim’s accidental overdose.****

**[that’s what she said]

***[guys, come on]

****[that was an exaggeration, I wasn’t even sure who he was. I’m just relieved it wasn’t that hottie from Rookie of the Year.]

I have been officially registered for a 5k.

I guess it’s only fair that I tell you the whole story before you cast harsh judgements on my friend for such an unspeakable crime. In a moment of weakness (that term is open to interpretation), I promised I would run (that term is also open to interpretation) a 5k in the event that my friend quit smoking.

There I go again, sacrificing my own happiness for the health of others. I know you’re thinking that I got myself into this mess, but really?! Who actually follows through on a deal like that?  Am I really THAT out of shape that people would do just about anything to see me jog a few laps? That’s pathetic. I am, of course, referring to ‘the people,’ not me.

What’s that? You’re not impressed with my crappy announcement?

Would it be better if you were eating cupcakes right now? Precisely.

And who’s fault is that?

But you want to know something else that’s sorta BIG?

This little drug delivery service blog is approximately one year old!!

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As I might have mentioned on a couple hundred occasions, I’m not the best at remembering or commemorating anything where I have to remember a date, such as my own birthday. I know I launched this some time last March, but I couldn’t tell you the date even if it meant I’d never have to eat another brussel sprout again.

Wait. I’m 27. I guess that time has already come.

Anyway, I’m not one for celebrating my own birthday, much less my blog’s. And I’ve noticed it’s very common to give away gift cards or have some sort of contest in honor of the occasion, however, I think that’s lame. Not when I’m the one who wins it though, cus then it’s very non-lame.

blunt-deliverySince I can’t give away what you really want, which is a personal visit to your doorstep, I thought I would do some spring cleaning and have a Blunt auction sale. Just shoot me an email if you would like to bid on any of the following items. Don’t pussyfoot around, cus I have a feeling there will be some stiff competition. [I know you might think it’s a bit stingy to have an auction sale to celebrate my anniversary, but I just think it’s good business sense]

1. The entire Jennifer Lopez chick-flick collection.

2. A stack of unpaid bills, most of them still in the envelope.

3. The OFFICE fridge phrase-magnets.

4. 7,500 Chicken Soup for the Soul books. I’ve never read them, but every time they publish one of my stories they send me a truckload.

5. A pelican pillow that’s been sitting in my garage for 3 years. It’s origin is still a mystery.

Guys, really, it’s MY pleasure. You are, after all, the best readers in the UNIVERSE.

rockford-il-portrait-photographerCheck out my photography blog, I’ve got a new hottie up for you. And, if you’re not already following me on FACEBOOK, click here and get your act together!