[Warning: introspection ahead. So, maybe there are a few things I’ve failed to mention over the past year. So, maybe I’m mentioning them now.]
Seriously, screw January. And all of its dreary, pretend optimism.
Here’s the deal: New Years happens in January is because it gives people a shred of hope amid what seems to be an eternal, bleak panorama of frozen tundra and dead things. Or at least that’s the consensus from behind my Midwestern ice-glazed window and $200 gas bill.
Well guess what world? I don’t buy it, and I refuse to accept New Years as my fresh start.
It’s all about September.
Everything good happens in the fall, thus, I’ve decided so should my clean slate. And no, I’m not trying to get a head start on all of your fresh starts. When people begin losing in Monopoly, I conveniently forget to collect their rent cus I feel bad for them. So I assure you, I lack the competitive edge to one-up you on your new beginnings.
When I think back on this past year, I sort of want to curl up in a fetal position. But then, I remember I did a lot of that already… plus I’m not as flexible as I used to be. A couple months ago, I came to the point where I felt like I had nothing of worth, no direction, and I had screwed up my life beyond repair. Know what I mean?
Since this blog contains only 20% of what happens in my life, you may not know it has been a very pivotal year. I bet you’re thinking that now is when I’m going to start listing off the things that made it so pivotal. In truth, I was about to warm up some spaghetti, but I guess I could take one for the team.
Pivotal moments this year:
I broke off my engagement to the man I thought I would marry the instant he shook my hand. My best friend Kenny moved to California. I went through an almost clinical level depression. My family experienced great challenges. Financial stress, career changes. I caused tremendous hurt to some pretty incredible people. I took some risks that did not pay off. I’ve been paralyzed by Regret.
And Regret, coupled with its slightly better-looking twin sister, Guilt, can ruin your life. It’s like a ghost that lays dormant for years, and then all the sudden goes all ape-shit crazy. So how do you get past it? How do you recover?
First step: I took the summer off of dating to sort myself out.
P.S. Boys, sorry but you do not = drama-free.
Second step: self-reflection. That = no fun. I needed perspective. I cried until my eyes didn’t resemble themselves, wrote some letters, started a collection of over-the-counter sleeping pills, sought a lot of advice, freaked out, emptied several boxes of wine, forgave others, learned to forgive myself, started working with elderly people, started working out, cut off toxic people, went to see Eat Pray Love by myself (sad or awesome?), and spent many lonely nights thinking about my life, my past, and what I really wanted.
Cus if you haven’t got peace of mind, you’ve got nothing.
So, at the start of a new season, what have I got?
Hope. This has been a painful year of growth, arriving with the crappiest of timing. I am happy it is done and I move on with a better knowledge of myself, what I want, and who I want. Belief. I have never doubted the existence of a higher power; but, for a very long time I have ignored what that means for my life. That time has ended. Also, as shocking as it may be, I now believe that two people can exist happily together. Yes, for life. Friends. I have the kind of friends who drive an hour to my house to bring me a Kleenex. Friends who extend their hand in kindness, even after I’ve hurt them. Friends who exist only through written words, yet seem to get me completely. Friends who stay over, just in case. Oh, and Kenny moved back. Work. I have a job, which fell from the sky on a snowy day in January, that allows me to be creative and impact people’s lives. I guess I owe January a high-five for that. Family. When it comes to them, words aren’t good enough. Health. Or so I assume. I have been avoiding doctors for a few years now and aside from the mysterious lump on my rib, the locking hip, and the pain in my chest when I lay down, I feel great! And, finally, Peace. I’ve accepted that life cannot exist without regret.
So, that’s what I’ve got. And world, it’s pretty freaking fabulous.
Cheers to the 800th season of Grey’s Anatomy, falling in love, wearing scarves, figuring shit out, and most importantly – a New Year,
Blunt.
So the love child of Enrique Iglesias and Harry Connick Jr has returned! You kind of just threw that in there so I needed to point it out.
Glad “HOPE” is the topic of the next 4 months. That is until New Years and we get another New Years post.
Wow. That’s some pretty heavy stuff for 3 am. Almost like a Matchbox 20 song. You don’t need another stranger telling you how great you are, so I won’t go there again. Thanks for posting again this week. I always enjoy seeing a new picture/entry on your page. Happy Fall Blunt.
Kenny -did- move back, and many happies are resounding.
He was the one who got me reading your blag. He said it was funny. I agree.
enriko – thanks for reading. kenny is usually right about these things!
e$ – hey, THERE you are. so silent all the time.
bear – look, a response. get off my friggen back. and yes, he’s back. a whole other story for a whole other day..
Jo – um yeeeeeeea. about that. I know we planned to go together, but you sorta got sick and i really really wanted to see it so i went alone. if it makes you feel better, people felt super sorry for me.
ron- p.s. i love you. we should, like, get together and wear hoodies and drink pumpkin spice lattes. couldn’t you just DIE?!
wait. did i just read that you went and saw Eat, Pray, Love ALONE? when were you planning to fill me in? 🙂
Ok, first I gotta tell ya….I freakin’ LOVE your introspective posts. It shows you’re a very REAL human being. We can’t always be humor.
Second, “It’s all about September. Everything good happens in the fall.”
I sooooooooo agree with you! This is the time of the year when I feel my best – both physically and emotionally. To me, fall is a time of renewal.
“And Regret, coupled with its slightly better-looking twin sister, Guilt, can ruin your life. So, how do you get past it? How do you recover?”
I truly believe that whatever choices I’ve made throughout my life, were the choices I was suppose to make. The only thing I can do with them, is learn and grow. So, I don’t regret. It all happens for a reason.
Thank you so much for sharing this post, Blunt.
“So, that’s what I’ve got. And world, it’s pretty freaking fabulous.
Yes, it IS freaking fabulous!
Happy Labor Day!
You’re going into the best time of the year. Be hopeful – good things will happen.
And let’s hope that “Grey’s Anatomy” doesn’t get cancelled after this last season. They can do so much better…
I’m sorry that I’ve been away from commenting. As you saw from my last post, I had a few things going on. Talk to you soon, girl.
constant- um, grey’s won’t get cancelled. and no worries, just glad you are okay! good to see you back =)
garnet- thanks for stopping by my dear! i am always a bit apprehensive about these posts, i don’t ever think anyone would care to read them. but i’m glad that someone can relate to what I say. The movie was alright, i didn’t read the book, cus i don’t read, but it was pretty good.
jen – thank you for the kind words and your support for all this time!
kudos to you for having the balls to put it all out there. i absolutely love your blog, its hilarious, but posts like these are my favorite from you– they’re so honest and relatable. stay strong lady, you’re good shit : )
Also, how was Eat, Pray, Love? I’m afraid to go see it, i usually loathe movies based on books
Regret and Guilt are nasty little interlopers. I try to run from them whenever possible but they must be so intertwined in my DNA as to be virtually ever present. So, I understand how tough it all can be. We’ve all been reading about your life changes over this past year or so. I’m so happy that you are finding your way. Sounds like you’ve got a lot to be grateful for. Just keep having fun.
I agree with you 100%. This year was just stupidly hard for me too. And the adventure continues as I move out to California by myself and go after a life I’ve dreamed about for 27 years. Pressure, much?
But as long as we have each other, and Hope, and Love, and waffles with whipped cream…I think we can do this.
LOVE.
j – you and me, we’re the same. i can’t believe you’re moving?!?! i’m so excited for you homeslice! all by your lonesome!??! that takes serious guts… dude, whipped cream, especially the real kind, is the way to my heart.
true – thanks!
kevo – sigh. i am SO GLAD i don’t write for reality tv anymore.
it’s great that you’re continuing on with your CHANGE mentality…embrace and anticipate it http://wp.me/p10dKo-42
You know they’re on the 16th season of America’s Next Top Model? If those bastards can have like 6 seasons a year, then we should be allowed to start over new at some point other than stupid January as well.
You’ve definitely deserved a much better first 8 months of 2010. It sounds like you’ve gone through a dozen cycles of coping, but hopefully those are over for quite a while.
I’m sure this fresh start will bring nothing but unicorns and rainbows… likely of the double variety.
And what’s this nonsense about boys being drama? I believe I’m pretty much the anti-drama.
thanks brandon =) and for all the late night counseling sessions…. as always. i’ve saved a TON of money over the past few years on therapy.
Great introspective. I loved reading this post …it is a great mirror of how we all go through things. Obviously very different from one another but this sets the grounds of what matters in life and that really…..we all struggle with whatever life is throwing our way.
So, I don’t feel sorry that you went alone to see the movie, I just feel sorry that you had to endure 2 hours of that. The movie was worse that the book, and the book sucked goat balls….so enough of that.
I like your theory…I freaking HATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE January, and fall is my favorite time of year. You might be on to something. You should call that 1–800 inventors hotline and get this idea patented, STAT!
Fall rocks with the seriousness of an early 90’s grunge band.
Wow, that is a lot in one year.
And I’m with you. After summmer is the perfect time for starting…January schmanuary.
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