It’s Like Something Out Of Deliverance

[I’m so sick of people saying that. And I’m so sick of other movies referencing that movie. I’ve never seen Deliverance and so every time someone makes a reference, I don’t get it.  When I ask what the movie is about people always say, “Horrible. Don’t watch it. Creeptown city. People get tortured and stranded and it’s just bad news.” Ok, then why have you ALL seen it?]

So have you ever tried this dating thing? There must be something in the autumn Illinois air that is making everyone want to set me up with their finest, handomest available male. I usually date men I’ve known for awhile, thus I haven’t gone on many “first dates.” And I’m finding the entire process to be sort of, different.

Someone asked me the other day to give him the “Cliff’s Notes” about myself. With a sigh and a sarcastic laugh, I said, seriously? I can’t even sum up the last week of my life in Cliff’s Notes format.

So in the interest of efficiency and simplicity, I have devised a form letter that I can simply hand across the table when presented with the statement “So, tell me about yourself.” I suggest you do the same.

Dear Gentleman Suitor:

I hate form letters. I love to travel, but I can’t fly unless I am unconscious. The aesthetic quality of my penmanship is a constant let down, as are my driving skills. I take issue with people who don’t understand the meaning of aesthetic. Although you may not fall head over heels in love with me, you will with my family. I’m a night person, so don’t even try. Whatever it is, do not try.

Truth is, I’m a total nerd. I get annoyed when people use “than” where they should have said “then.” I color coordinate the books in my room. I’d rather buy office supplies than jewelry. Because of these facts, it is a natural result that my friends do not include girls who talk about shopping, tanning, how much their feet hurt in heels, their new eye shadow, or how much they can’t WAIT to see Lady Gaga in concert. My mind explodes from all the meaningless information. But let there be no mistake, I look great in heels.

I’m very tidy, but I hate the word tidy along with several others. Compliments make me feel awkward. I like to cook. I like it even better if you like to cook. It’s not that I hate reading. It’s that I hate reading mind-numbing fiction, sci-fi, romance, or essentially, almost anything contained in the public library. Got it? If it’s witty, well-versed, or based on someone’s actual experience, I’m in. Got it? I believe in God, and although I have always loved Him with my mind, I have not always done so with my life. I’m passionate and creativeI love making people laugh.

I’ve lived alot of life in my short time on this earth. I must be with someone who can hold their own. I view money as a necessary evil, nothing else. I hate people who get embarrassed. I’m independent, and I will rarely ask for your help unless it involves heavy things or snowy weather. I want to move to a place that has fall weather permanently. My household uniform is a hoody, plaid pajama pants, and braids. I’d rather fight it out than ignore it.  If I end up really liking you, I’ll probably worry about your well-being and you’ll get annoyed. Most importantly, I’d rather be single forever than with a seemingly perfect man who doesn’t understand me.

Thank you for your interest. If you find this alarming rather than endearing, no worries, you can step out for an important call and I will go make out with the attractive waiter.



I hate dating. It’s like something out of Deliverance.

38 thoughts on “It’s Like Something Out Of Deliverance

  1. Sorry you’re back on the dating wagon 🙁 Tho I’d be lying completely if I didn’t admit I enjoy living vicariously through my single friends. I met Bobby when I was 17, I’ve been with him ever since. Don’t get me wrong, theres a comfort in that, but at the same time, ahhhh what I wouldn’t give to hand that letter out to anyone I wanted…so date on my friend…I wanna hear ALL the juicy details 🙂

    • nikki- oh i will be sure to keep everyone tuned into what’s happening. i might have to have a new category for “first/last dates” thanks for commenting! And I think it’s great that you have someone you’re happy with =)

      V- well i mean, it’s only been like 2 weeks. it would be sad if they gave up on me already. hahaha. seriously, can you try being in chicago (you know, where you live ) ONE time when i’m there? that’d be great.

  2. I have heard enough about Deliverance and seen enough bits and pieces to know that when I use the phrase, “..looked like a scene from Deliverance” I know what I’m talking about, in fact, just used that EXACT phrase about a week ago, when, trying to get back into the dating scene, went to pick up a guy from his house…the street “looked like a sce…” well, you get it. I will explain it to you later!
    Anyway, I would seriously love to be able to have a boyfriend/date application and have people take it seriously instead of what I imagine they would do, which is look at me like I am crazy and then go and tell tales of the crazy chick who had a boyfriend/date application.
    I hate the question or phrase, rather, “so tell me about yourself”…I usually sigh, roll my eyes and ask “what do you want to know?” It just seems so uncomfortable, I hate talking about myself, I would much rather hear about you, the person I am on a date with so that I can imagine what kind of boyfriend you would be, and then move onto what kind of husband you would be, father, what kind of house we will have…….

    hang in there kid! Oh by the way, I have this REALLY great guy I am dying for you to meet!!! LOL, just kidding.

    • jen – first of all, aren’t you working right NOW? hahaha. applications would be great, except everyone would lie on them just like they do on every other application in life. i’m all about reading the body language. usually tells you alot. and yea, tell me about yourself? really?!

      bear – my blog did not EVEN say that to you. don’t front. And the neil diamond thing would be taken care of during the first phone conversation. it is the first of many tests to gain my affection.

      brandon – i’m sorry you’ve just known me too long. you probably know me better than i know myself at this point, which isn’t saying much, really. the last line is just some lyrics from the song. it’s a bittersweet thing, not meant to be really understood.

  3. What the hell is up with your stupid blog. I try to post one thing and I get “SLOW DOWN, you are posting too fast” What is this? The Pauly Shore of blogs?? C’mon.

    Anyway. now I have to remember my funny thing I wrote the first time.

    Oh yeah.

    What? No Neil Diamond clause? So say you meet Mr fits all your qualifications listed in your letter but wants to go see Neil in concert. Will you be in the front row throwing your underwear onstage??

  4. I can’t even begin to list all of the reasons why dating (especially first dates with someone you don’t know) is frustrating, annoying, disappointing, etc. And I have to date GIRLS. Yeah, just try imagining how much worse that is.

    On the bright side, I have never seen Deliverance either, so I’m right there with you when it comes to not understanding the references to it. I guess only awesome people avoid that movie or something.

    I’m going to chalk the rest of this blog up to “Yep, already knew that, and I feel sorry for the poor souls that ask you such open ended, vague questions.” Not only is it a terrible way to get to know someone (seriously, I don’t think anyone with a modicum of depth to their character or life can answer that in under a couple thousand words), but it says a lot about the person asking it. Plus, a true stalker, uh I mean “passionate person,” would’ve researched your background before the date. Obviously.

    You’re going to have to clue me in, either here or elsewhere, on what you meant in the last couple lines of this blog though… Either I’m really missing something, or I’m not supposed to get it.

  5. I will explain Deliverance to you, and why I used that exact phrase when I went to pick up a date last week!

  6. Um, *I’d* date you. After reading that letter, I’d totally date you. We are the exact same being, espescially our reading habits, so I’m pretty sure that means we’d get along swimmingly. ALWAYS.

    I too, hate dating. I mean, let me rephrase that, I like dating after I’m with someone who’s great, but trying to FIND that person by dating…gag…gross…kill me now. New York was HELLISH. Sometimes, I’d be sitting at a bar, listening to a guy talk, and all I could think about was this:

    “I don’t like him. I already know that. And yet…I will pretend. And this will go on longer then it should, and it will be my fault, because I am a pussy…so…sigh.”

    PS: I’m writing a new post tonight. Take a look in the next 24 hours because I NEED YOUR INPUT.


    • j- yea i don’t live in new york, but i live in a place with far fewer men that i’d even consider. sadly, it has nothing to do with looks, but just the overall intelligence and maturity levels of the people in this town. its a travesty of the worst kind.

      jill – shuddup. i am not ON the dating scene. i’m kind of being forced into it. no worries though, i am NOT looking for anything serious. or really, for anything at all.

      taylor – PLEASE steal it. I would love to see your gentleman suitor letter.

      friggin – really? there’s a dating section on craigslist? didn’t i hear about someone getting killed that way on 60 minutes? wait, why was i watching 60 minutes?

  7. You’re already on the dating scene? I don’t know if I should slap you on the back and say “You go girl!” or “WTF?” I would have guessed at least 3-6 months. 😉

  8. I love this idea and I might steal it for my blog.

    Me and dating have a hate-love relationship. I don’t know.

    I’m a complete NERD too and proud of it 🙂

  9. Might want to try speed dating and get through the agony faster, in much the same way as one should watch Deliverance…on fast forward. Ooh but you got to stop for the “squeal like a pig” scene (in the movie…not the date for goodness sakes!!!!). Anywho, I hate libraries too….I can’t bear the thought of where those books have been prior to me touching them.
    Hey,here’s a thought, if you don’t want to watch Deliverance try dating someone from eHarmony, eBay or Craigslist and get the live version 🙂 Kidding, gosh!!!!!

  10. We should all use form letters. Mine would go something like this:

    Don’t try to change me. It won’t work. I like animals more than I will like you. I sleep during the day. My house is a mess. My finances are a bigger mess. I’m apathetic with a short attention span and chances are good I will forget about you before morning. Do you really want to be here? I didn’t think so. See ya.

    That letter would save me a lot of time.

  11. @ blunt delivery:
    Yeah, no promises. I go away a lot in the summer. Too many punks out of school (what a joke anyway) and hanging out at the park across the street. I get stabby and my parole officer gets mad when when I shank people. I am good with Chicago in the fall though.

  12. Holy mother of GOD… that was AWESOME:) I absolutely LOVE this and would love to link it to my blog. I think it’s an awesome exercise for all of us out in the dating world. We should all attempt to write something like this about ourselves! You better watch it… I guarantee someone will steal it and add it to their profile. I had my blogger “about me” stolen and a friend who dates online found it on some girl’s page. What are the odds of THAT?!?!? Anyhoo… freaking hilarious!

    I hate the word tidy as well. What a perfectly cromulent observation.

  13. I just watched (500) Days of Summer for the 2nd time and it makes me angry how much it mirrors a past relationship. And that coupled with this post makes me want to never date again.

    Sigh. I hope one day to be recovered enough to date again. 🙂

  14. “I want to move to a place that has fall weather permanently.”

    If you find such a place, let me know and we can be neighbors. I hate the heat, humidity, bugs…just everything associated with summer.

    I too have never seen Deliverance, but because of the countless cultural references to it, I do know the banjo song when I hear it. I think Steve Martin is the only person on the planet who can do that and be funny.

  15. I never dated. I wouldn’t know how. . . it sounds absolutley horrible.

    I’m one of those obnoxious people who married their best friend 18 days after the first kiss. And didn’t get divorced.

    But chaknow what? If I DID date, I’d totally do something just like this. I’m sure it cuts out a lot of awkward BS.

    I’d fail at dating anyway, I hate people. . .

  16. I am always thankful to be married to a wonderful man who understands me! He not only understands me, but he finds all my craziness endearing. I am blessed. But you and all my single friends truly make me happier than happy that I do not have to go through first dates anymore. However, I do remember one…long ago…we were sitting across from each other when he says, “I have a daughter” and then proceeded to use the beautiful and ever useful “F” word as not only an adjective but also a verb, and a noun. And then to hear he cried when I told him there would NOT be a second date. *sigh* Good Luck girl!

  17. Damn. I think I’d be able to hand out that exact same letter.

    I hate the word “tidy”, to. To me, it’s in the same category as “panties”… EEEEW. Worst word ever.

    I gave you an award on my blog! Given the format of you blog, I doubt you’ll be posting it, but at least you’ll know you’re appreciated. 😉

  18. I have to say that I am so glad that I do not have to date anymore. Love the letter idea. Now if you can find a guy who thinks it’s utterly charming and inspired, you might have found a keeper. Good luck out there!

  19. You left an important bit out of your letter:
    “I will most likely write about you and our date in a very witty, possibly unflattering but endlessly funny blog post.”

  20. Dude, dating sucks. Sorry. Hang in there! I met my wife at work. LOL. Yup. They always say don’t dip your pen in company ink, but with as much time as people spend at work these days, sometimes it’s hard not to meet people there.

  21. Blunt, I hate dating. I hate those mini commitment things, I just like to live on the fly. Dinner here, banging there, maybe movies and naps every now and then.

    I’m a constant changer of plans, so dating never really works too much for me, because of the uncertainty or the spontaneity.

    I would date you though, and you wouldn’t have to give me that letter.

  22. Ok. I dunno how I found this post, but seriously, my brains are all over the wall cause you just blew. my. mind.

    I thought I was the only nerd who wrote herself “dear me” letters. but clearly i’m not.

    hello, my other e-half.

  23. Wall, than, nice tidy letter their, yer bluntness 🙂

    And I’m sick of “Deliverance” references as well. The only real problem with the movie is most of em lived.

  24. Um I couldn’t have sad it better. I feel the exact same way. I am so sick of dating and i just want to meet someone who i can be myself around, who there are no games with, and who doesn’t mind that im a finicky, weird, person. Good luck to you as well!

  25. Ha ha ha. You crack me up. I get irrational angry when people use “then” when they should use “than.” (And they rarely do it the other way around. It’s like people don’t get that the word “than” exists.

    I’ve always thought that a survey of questions would be an appropriate thing to give someone on a first date. It could save a lot of trouble and you could call an awkward dinner off if need be.

    Thanks for stopping by by blog. And have fun dating. It truly is wonderful for writing if nothing less.

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