[I’m laying on the floor photographing the above picture, when my dad walks in the room]
Dad: [said like he is trying to piece together the mystery of life] Barbie. Naked. Laying on a pile of mom’s chocolate chip cookies. [laughs hysterically and then pauses for two minutes.] I don’t get it.
Well, sonofagun. Maybe I don’t either.
But my mom makes some ridiculously large and delicious chocolate chip cookies, which are clearly bigger than a pretend, unrealistically proportioned person. And she handed me 5 batches as she walked in, also carrying a blueberry pie and 10 bags of groceries. Immediately following this, she grabbed a paper towel and some Ajax and got to work on my shower, again proving to me why remaining in the Midwest was the sensible choice.
So while the parents were over, I decided I’d get caught up on some laundry today. .
Huh. Well what’s that crap? A crumpled dryer sheet? No, pffft, I don’t splurge on dryer sheets. And plus, these came out of the washer. A napkin, perhaps? Naw… Why would I have napkins – who’s coming over the Queen? Bob Hope? OH…. A Kleenex. It’s totally a Kleenex. Must have left it in a pocket or something. Blessed Respite!
However, that was a merely child’s play compared to what I would soon discover.
Wait… Wha? Okay, I’m no scientist, in fact, I didn’t even finish the 6 various colleges and trade schools that I started – but that IS WAY more stuff than could be produced by a Kleenex. And now that I think about it, I’m also too cheap to buy Kleenex. And you know what Judgy McThinkYou’reBetterThanMe? Once you have your own place, you will be too. AND you’ll remember to turn off the lights when you leave the room, dangit. So you just relax.
After I’d noticed that every single garment was coated in tiny pieces of white stuff, I knew there was something terribly awry. There was so much of it. Finally, as I reached into the washer and grabbed the last pieces of clothing, I discovered Exhibit C:
You’ve. Got. To. Be. Kidding.
How the? What the? Ugh.
*No Barbies were harmed or humiliated during this documentary. This is because, contrary to popular belief, they enjoy not being dressed in ridiculous outfits.
Oh my, you had a roll of paper towel in your washmachine! Don’t you check it to make sure that there is nothing in there? I always do because in my house, laundry tends to find it’s way in the machine by magic! No one ever puts any in there except myself, but somehow whenever I go to do laundry there are colors, whites and darks in the machine already! So yep, I always check the machine before I start doing any wash 😀
What’s really cool though is this one time that I forgot to check pockets. When that load was done washing and I was putting the jeans into the dryer, I found a FIFTY dollar bill. Yes you heard me right, a FIFTY! Now that was pretty cool 😀
Maybe you had a spot on your clothes that needed to be cleaned so you thought you’d dab it with a paper towel roll. Next time, try a little Oxy Clean.
Atkins and South Beach Diet are bullshit. Barbie’s Cookie Diet is where it’s at.
Totally hilarious friggin post! From the first pic of Barbie on Mom’s CCCookies to the roll of toilet paper.
My kids were notorious at leaving love notes and napkins etc. in their pockets. And it 1 or two more washings to get rid of that white fuzzy crap on all the clothes. And forget about it, if they left an ink pen or crayon in their pocket.
Like a true midwest girl you are into saving money. So you wash your toilet paper and paper towels after using. Smart girl.
Hilarious – Absolutely love the Barbie on the cookies. And I never used to turn off the lights or keep the air conditioning at reasonable levels until I got my own place too. “What, you suddenly work for Com Ed?” “Sorry Dad.”
Have you been snorting too much oxyclean?
Barbie is a slut indeed, who the f*ck would strip off and lay on giant cookies anyways. Plus allow someone to photo them.
How on earth did THAT happen . . . creepy.
That was so completely random I’m not even sure how to comment on it. I’m half way through my first glass of Pinot and not nearly tipsy enough to come up with something interesting to say in response. Perhaps, I will down another glass and come back to you. It’s been a rough day.
Okay I’ll admit that I wash new clothes before I wear them for the first time, just in case some lice ridden homeless person happened to have tried them on before I purchased them. But washing paper towels before you use them is a bit on the extreme side little Miss OCD!
I’m pretty sure there’s a 12 step program available for your problem there Brit. And while you’re at it, you may want to get some help for your obsession with naked Barbie Dolls and baked goods!
@ Bearman: Oh Bearman, you are so smart and witty. Obviously I am too busy with my life to respond to anyone else.
@ Skye:
um, in my defense… i have NO FREAKING clue how it got there. i mean, I do have a carton of paper towels on my dryer, so i guess one of them did a somersault into the washer? and i didn’t even notice when i started it up?
but this is why i get up every day. because of things like this. it keeps me going
@ Jill:
i know right? and this is all that barbie eats for days on end.. i can’t keep her away from the cookies. screw atkins.
@ Theresa:
now theresa, here’s the important question: were the love notes actually written ON the napkins. … and were they stuck in their lunchbox by you?
@ Bearman:
1. UGH. i had a busy couple days OKAY? I was actually right in the midst of replying when i received your comment. so that made me not want to reply to you at all. so you know what, i’m not. except for this one comment which is about the comment.
SO THERE.
@ *uncorked:
V- its so funny now, cus whenever my dad is over i like go into rooms and shut off lights after he leaves.. and he’s all “wait, i’m not DONE in there yet.” i’m like, “do you think i’m made of MONEY?”
@ Mr Condescending:
mr. c – thank you for censoring the R rated remark you left. as you can see, i’m all about the censorship on this blog for all ages, as I like to call it.
barbie is the biggest slut i’ve ever laid eyes on. she’s always throwing herself at random baked goods around the house.
@ Chris:
chris – it’s a LONG story. Oh wait, no it’s not. I’m an idiot.
@ Jen:
oh jen. let’s hear it for the bad days. i’ve been having a bad several days in a row now. if this post confused you, then join the club cus i’m completely perplexed myself.
@ cbabin:
um, i don’t think there are enough “programs” out there to fix all my problems.
@ blunt delivery:
What are you talking about? You already replied to me saying how wonderful I was and now this rant against me. Are you off your meds…do you need to be on meds…are you dating a med student…are you planning a trip to club med…is this a manifistation of being a meddle child?
Ok done.
Okay, I’m a bit sidetracked with the “Quote” thing. WTF’s that all about…tell us, tell us!
Now back to the post. Full TP roll in the dryer. Hmmm…there must be another post in there somewhere…a TP roll just doesn’t show up for no reason…an eventful night out on the town, perhaps?
Also, please give us the connection between the Barbie and cookies and the TP roll. Wait a sec…I’m on Blunt Delivery right now, well,sheez…that’s a silly question. Strike that.
I would never write something too foul on your awesome blog. By the way, I’m in the mood for giving out compliments and thought I’d let you know, Your picture on words by Brit is is beautiful, you look absolutely gorgeous.
yorksnbeans wrote:
OKAY, darling – i’m demonstrating what the quote thing does if you press it. its just a way of referencing someone’s statement and responding. it came along with the plugin i installed cus bearman wouldn’t stop harrassing me about a “reply” button.
Actually it was a roll of paper towels. even more crazy. i have absolutely. no. clue. your guess is as good as mine. 😉
@ Mr Condescending:
well, what the crap mr. c… that wasn’t the least bit condescending.
I’m not sure exactly what to do with myself. plus, i’m not very good at accepting compliments and i usually try to turn it into some sort of joke. but um, i’m gonna practice.
aw… thanks 😉
@ bearman:
sigh. I’m THROUGH with you.
i’m pretty sure that’s as bad as forging a signature and I could get you in trouble with some sort of internet authorities. if i knew who they were.
ah, well at least you’re too cheap to buy the crazy quadruple-ply-three-rolls-in-one, cuz that’d be truly disasterous.
My mom does the same kind of stuff. She always tries to hand me food anytime she sees me, offers to do things for me… hell, while looking at condos, she’s offered only about 3 dozen times to come paint whatever I buy for me. (Probably helps that she knows it would never get painted otherwise…)
I washed a roll of aluminum foil once. It didn’t make much of a mess though.
and no drier sheets?! I find that shocking as they are probably my world’s favorite smell in the whole world of smells.
What I wanna know is, how do I get a hold of some of your mom’s outstandingly gorgeous cookies? I bet they’re soft and tasty, too.
Or either I’m just incredibly hungry this morning. 🙂
I suggest you pose Barbie lounging with some seafood stacked upon her…then you could title it: “Shrimp On The Barbie.”
As to that toilet paper in the washer–why don’t you admit that you thought it could be reusable if you just cleaned it up some?
I found a roll of masking tape in my drier the other day. Darned if I know how it got there.
As an aside, I picked yours as one of my five fabulous blogs award on my blog… check it out.
@ Candice:
P.S. left some bloggy love for you on my blog blog
@ Candice:
i know right? actually it was paper towels, although everyone thought it was toilet paper. and maybe i should pretend it was, cus frankly that’s more funny.
um, and an award?!?!?! stop yourself. you’re too much.
@ Brandon:
well for craps sake. i’m just relived that you’re alive.
@ kevo:
ok kevo. you can make that assessment after you’ve visited my house. the aroma in here traps people with it’s amazingness. i cannot reveal the secrets to the amazingness, it is something that must be experienced in person.
and it has nothing to do with dryer sheets
@ George:
she only makes them twice a year. they’re THAT good. a delicacy in these parts.
@ Timoteo:
hahaha. oh tim, that was funny.
unfortunately, seafood gags me. so uh, perhaps you can entertain your readers with that one? except you might look a little more creepy buying the naked barbie dolls than i did
@ Janice:
why spank you janice!!!!! i am so undeserving of your bloggy love.
but I’LL TAKE IT! 😉
I like finding money in my washer and dryer. And I’m still trying to find out who the hell has been taking my other sock all these years…
Iknow. I’m dumping a lot of comments on you.
If I ever come to Chi-town, I want some of those cookies.
oh, and I’ve washed and dried the following:
1. large rocks
2. matchbox cars
3. diapers (bad, bad business)
4. a bar of soap
Just call me Martha Stewart.
ok i think i have solved the mystery.
You were on your way to the toilet/lavatory/washroom watever you americans call the bloody toilet/can.. because you had seen that you were almost out of toilet paper. It wasnt an emergency as such at the time as the necessity to partake in those activities was not pressing but you knew the roll needed to be refilled. However you noticed that oh-no a particular item of clothing needed to be washed so you placed the toilet roll on the washing machine ledge.. as you turned to grab the lid from the washing liquid that fell on the floor the toilet roll fell inside.. bc it spilled liquid on the floor you had to clean it up and forgot about it… mystery solved…and thats the end of that chapter!
HO LEE SHIT, hilarious. I totally love you. And I’m obscenely jealous of that barbieslut. I want to make love to a pile of cookies. And paper products are completely only for the uppity monied folk. Puhtooey. I think our book should be titled, “Blunt Bitches.” Or, “Barbiesluts.” Or, “McThinkYou’reBetterThanMe?”
@ The Constant Complainer:
don’t. get. me. started. on the “other sock.”
@ Pinky aka Jen:
hahaha.. large rocks. what the crap pinky? and puh-lease. i luuurve your comments. dump them all you want.
@ Susi Spice:
susi… that is a very well thought out theory.. however, it was a roll of paper towels.
haha. back to the drawing board!
@ hiphophippie.com:
dude. barbiesluts all the way! i’m taking it to the bank
Well, wouldn’t it be washed out? @ Skye:
So……..you bought a pair of child’s rain boots, a suitcase and 3 naked Barbies for a “big” cookie photo shoot?
This is what you MUST do:
a) Get a video camera.
b) Video tape the wet roll of paper towels.
c) Send the video in to whichever brand made them with a letter stating how UNHAPPY you are that their paper towels didn’t “hold up” when wet.
d) Enjoy free coupons for more paper towels compliments of brand.
I freaking love that you put a roll of paper towels through the washer/dryer. How did this happen?! I love it.