So You’re Telling Me You’re Not MARRIED?!

Hold on to your clip on ties. I want you to pop a squat and take a moment to regret all the stupid decisions that you’ve made today.  And since you’re probably gonna break a sweat, I’m gonna cool you off with a tropical breeze of insightful knowledge.

My mom gave me a vacuum and a cactus as a housewarming present.  Half of this gift confused me.  The vacuum was a given, considering, along with mowing the grass, that is my mom’s second favorite pastime.  We don’t have sufficient time right now, or a licensed psychologist, to get into the mechanics of why exactly these are my mom’s favorite pastimes. But a cactus?

Mom: “You need to have some other living thing to keep you company.  And this is the only thing that’s impossible to kill.”

Fair enough.  But as of last night, I can say with all the conviction of an OJ Simpson trial, that my mother has been officially wrong about something in her life.  That cactus is a goner.  And as I was dumping it out into my garbage can, I thought, What kind of person can’t keep a cactus alive?” The answer, unmistakably blaring in my eardrums like a bad ACDC cover band, was:  the kind of person that probably shouldn’t procreate.

Maybe I subconsciously killed it cus I hate all things Southwestery. I don’t know.  That being said, there’s not a solitary day that goes by when I don’t break out into a musical-esque song and dance like something out of the Sound of Music or a freecreditreport.com commercial, rejoicing over the fact that I’m not married yet, nor do I have any illegitimate children.  This is not merely due to my phobia surrounding all things associated with commitment, but also due to the fact that if I’d of married any of my previous boyfriends – I’d be taking a sightseeing trip to the Brooklyn Bridge very soon.  So I could effectively end my life by jumping into that ice-cold, watery abyss.

weddings1I find, however, that the rest of the world doesn’t participate in my joy.  Considering the bulk of my time is divided equally between:  being in weddings, attending baby showers, and trying not to eat the entire box of ice cream right before bed – I’m around alot of “committed people.”  Here’s a quick sound bite from last weekend’s baby shower:

Friend’s Granny:  My, I haven’t seen you in ages.  Let me see that hand.  Wait…. WHAT?!

Me:  Hey, good to see you too.  How’s the assisted living complex?

Friend’s Granny:  You’re NOT MARRIED?!

Me:  Nope.  Not yet.  Wow, you look exactly the same.  …So, what’s been going on with you?

Friend’s Granny:  Wait, I thought your boyfriend proposed to you in Paris?

Me:   Well, turns out he was bipolar, who knew.  And too Italian. And his breath was funky at random times.

Friend’s Granny:   Well, I thought I heard you were going steady with some boy you met in London, what happened to him?

Me:   Yea.  Yea, I was.  Heroin addict.   Oops. ….So, do you still play Bingo every Thursday?

Friend’s Granny:  But what ever happened to that first boy you were with?  He was so …

Me:  Um…  He was a “musician.”  So, you know, he needed to follow his music.

Friend’s Granny:  Well, are you at least dating someone?!?

Me:  Yes, he’s very nice.

Friend’s Granny: He’s nice? Well, then why haven’t you snatched him up yet? You better get him before someone else does!!

Me:   Um.  What? I’m not quite ready.

Friend’s Granny:   You’re running out of TIME!

Me:  Time? Like, as in my lifespan?   Didn’t you just turn 92?

Friend’s Granny:  Can you at least do me one small favor?

Me:  Sure. What’s that?

Friend’s Granny:  The next time I see you, can you at the very least have a baby?

Other articles you  might enjoy:

A Boy, Not Yet A Woman

How To Talk Yourself Out Of Dating Almost Anyone

What Women Really Want

Paris Can Bite Me

Teenage Acne and an Italian Boyfriend

 

Look, Do You Want To Die?

I’m sure you’d never guess it now, but I was a strange child. I grew up in the country so my days consisted of collecting caterpillars, creating my own farmer’s market,  and attempting to build tree forts that definitely endangered the safety of not only my life but also of my one neighbor friend that actually lived on my dead end street.  Of course, he was a boy so that didn’t help my quest for girlishness.  We were like Forrest and Jenny -except we never ended up dating.  Or having an illegitimate child.  Or getting AIDS.

My other neighbor, Bill, was a farmer so we’d play around on his tractors and then go back to his house where it always smelled like catfish and cigarettes. (they thought they still lived in Mississippi)  He and his wife were typical farmers,  missing a couple teeth and living on black coffee.  I don’t think I owned one single doll except for the cabbage patch my grandma bought me.  And I’m quite sure I threw up on that.

A nerd right from the get-go, I would gravitate to the office supplies aisle every time we stepped foot in a store.   In the picture you will see that I’m sitting in an actual school desk – one of the most amazing purchases my mom has ever made for me.  Still.   And as you’ll see from the picture, I’d sit and write in my closet for HOURS and HOURS.  Even from a young age, it was all I wanted to do.  I think if most people would think back on their childhood, they’d discover that their interests haven’t changed that much. Aside from picking their nose and stuff.

chris-brit

Speaking of my one childhood neighbor, do any of you remember a period of  about 1-2 years where you were TERRIFIED OF ALIENS???!? Cus, it’s very vivid in my mind. I don’t know what was up, but there was some kind of alien frenzy going on during my younger years.  It was all over the talk shows – people talking about being abducted and what not.  Anytime I was outside I’d keep a close watch on the sky and strange noises.  Of course, I was always protective of my friends even back then.  One time, I was playing softball with my neighbor and his brother.  There must have been a bunch of planes nearby, but as soon as I heard the noises, I immediately took action:

me:  STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING!!!

boys:  What? Why?

me:  GET IN THE GARAGE!!!!!

boys:  the garage?  but we’re in the middle of a ….

me: JUST DO IT!  DON’T ASK QUESTIONS!

boys:  but…. I …

me:  LOOK, DO YOU WANT TO DIE?!