Wait, why are you holding a giant calendar with red X’s all over it?
…And why is there a whistle around your neck?
Did you recently become a gym teacher?
STOP TAPPING YOUR FOOT! What do you mean it’s only been a week and I’ve already broken my promise of posting on Monday, Wednesday and Friday?
Well, well, smartypants.. perhaps you missed the memo where I mentioned that I’m now going off the ancient Mayan calendar. Bam, roasted! That also means that you’ve only got until 2012 before the earth explodes, which makes this whole broken promise thing seem a bit trite, eh?
Besides, you need to lay off me cus my birthday is on Friday and I’m having a breakdown.
Now. I realize that I’m pretty rough on women in this neck of the woods.* And guys, I feel like you might think you you have a free pass around these parts.* Well, sike. You better not even think you do, cus you don’t. I will further support that statement with the following numbered list of 5 Things Men Do That Annoy The Crap Outta Women:
1. Leave the bathroom floor covered in water. Question: Are you capable of washing your face and/or hands without turning the entire bathroom into a slip ‘n slide? Question: Is it possible to take a shower and actually step onto the conveniently provided mat when drying off?
2. Don’t properly take care of your feet. I’m not exactly sure what happens here. Question: Why does almost every man between the ages of 18 and 80 have at least one (if not all) deformed toenail? It’s either yellow, or crusty, or infested with some sort of mystery fungus that is resistant to over the counter treatments. In most cases, all of the above.
3. Leave a new toilet paper roll on top of the counter instead of putting it on the holder. Question: I’m too furious to ask a question right now.
4. Always being the hero, even if it requires making up a fake crisis. Man: Did you see that guy? He totally just checked you out! Who does he think he is? Can’t he see you’re with me? He’s totally staring at you?! Girl: Um, I didn’t even notice anything. Man: Stay right here. I’m gonna take care of this. Girl: Can’t we just go eat? I’m hungry.
5. Refuse to check the order at the drive thru. You know it’s gonna be wrong, it always is. Ask my metro sexual bff Kenny what happens when he fails to check my order and it’s wrong. Just ask him. [Speaking of, Happy Birthday Kenny. It just isn’t the same without you around here to throw a highly inappropriate combined birthday party with.]
Ladies, please feel free to add to the list.
That being said, guys, you know I love you. You fill the world with muscles, sweat, problem solving skills, a wealth of useless facts and movie trivia, the ability to vaguely determine the general origin of a scary car noise, and an endless supply of “It’s going to be okay’s.” But, sometimes, I just want to strangle you with that loosely fitted metro sexual tie.
*I’ve recently spent a lot of time at my parents’ country house. Sorry.
Check out my latest photography post Where Have All The Good Looking People Gone?
Face hair around the outside of the sink because what?, water would melt the counter top if you tried to clean that off?
linlah- that was actually on my list. but i either had to do 5 or ten. and i was laaaazy today. oh man, that is SO ANNOYING
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray…
ok, you make me happy all the effing time. Whether the skies are a damn gray color or cerulean blue.
In my experience, it’s the damn women who always leave water all over the bathroom floor.
I also have no feet issues. Or any of these other problems. But then again, this should surprise no one.
Your birthday shouldn’t be that scary, it’s not like you’re in the same position as last year… you’ve got one big thing going for you right now.
The BF’s toenails are so nasty…I just discovered this a few months ago and there’s just no explanation.
BUT, yesterday while getting a pedicure I saw a guy come in and his girlfriend (or…fag hag? It would make more sense if it was…) told the ladies they each wanted a mani and a pedi. I had to stare at my magazine because how WEIRD is it for a straight guy to get those things? Even in the days of metrosexuals…
I probably shouldn’t judge.
But I do.
Maybe that liquid on the bathroom floor you are stepping in is NOT water.
Um, what IS with not replacing the toilet paper roll?! It’s supa lazy, and an open invite for the cats to come along and shred it might I add.
Also, doing laundry – taking it out of the dryer and leaving it in a messy heap on top of said dryer. Lay -Z!!!!!!!
Can I get an amen?! (and a prozac?)
Egads! Only 5 things? My 19 year old son is spending the summer with me and here are 5 more things:
1. Your bed is not a dirty clothes hamper.
2. How many towels do you need to use for one shower?
3. How many shirts do you need to wear in one day?
4. Eating chips in the dark until I get home from work because you are too lazy to turn on a light and make yourself something to eat makes me think you need to be in daycare.
5. The TV is mine. You left yours at your college-town house in the care of your sister. I don’t think Dave Chapelle is funny. Around here we watch Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, The X-Files, 30 Rock, and Dead Like Me.
Happy Birthday if I don’t “see” you before that!
Number three is the one my man is guilty of, but MAN let me tell you how pissy it makes me! I also agree with pp’s – facial hair in, on, and around the sink grrrrrr. . . Mine is also into video gaming. Need I say more about that? *sigh*
first of all, I thought #1 said “crapable”, not capable. Crapable however would have fit nicely in that sentence. Second of all, I am guilty of #2 but am seeing a podiatrist in Gramercy park on Friday because of it. However I am happy that I’m not the only one with this mystery fungus. God, and we think we’re on verge of curing cancer – shit, we can’t even cure athlete’s foot!!!
What about about when men create needless wars and mass killings? I find that pretty annoying. Still, I suppose we get some good DVD’s out of these humanitarian disasters which you know the men won’t put back into their correct case up from off of the floor, or from under the sofa or from inside the empty flower pot. That is, until the living room resembles an unpassable mountain range of CD,DVD,vinyl,tape etc and survival dictates a tidy up and a strong possibility of finding next doors cat again, guarding the pizza I, oopps, I mean men, swore they finished 2 weeks back. Eh?
Why cant we all just hold hands and sing kumbaya……i will be laughing cause of this post for the rest of the day…and figuring out how to make sure my wife does not read it cause then i will be cleaning as well…lol….you are the funniest blogger out there….zman sends…
OMG, I am guilty of three of those things 🙁
OK, so here’s is my hate list
1. Men who enjoy smelling their own farts.
2. Decide to channel surfing just when they are about to open the second last case in “Deal or No Deal”!!
3. Park the car in the furthest car space so it won’t get scratched (despite the car being too friggin old to care).
4. Chew food and drink at the same time
5. Never removing excess toothpaste from the top of the tube and will continue to squeeze it through the hardened crust as long as humanly possible.
6. Drink out of the milk or fruit juice bottle instead of using a friggin glass!!! Then leave the empty bottle in the fridge.
oh I could go on and on ……
5 Things that Women Do that Annoy
1. Bathroom – They take over the counter/cabinet space with all of their feminine products/makeup (most of which are rarely used each day).
2. Clothes – Do these jeans make me look fat? It ‘aint the clothes that make you look fat honey…it’s um…your body. If you ask an honest question, expect an honest answer. You are no longer 4 years old. Put on your Big Girl panties and deal with reality, or don’t ask the question in the first place.
3. Drama – They start a conversation by saying they don’t want to talk smack about other people, and then they go on to do just that for the next hour.
4. Phones – They might as well just glue it to their face. It’s like a pacifier or a favorite doll/blankie.
5. Sex/Cuteness – Using it like some sort of Pavlovian bell, to get what they want. When men try this tactic, we just get laughed at. After a while, we just resent you for it.
Love ya Blunt! Even if you are a tease : )
How about spraying the bathroom mirror with spittle and water. It is as if my husband actively tries to coat the mirror every time he brushes his teeth. Considering he’s just about the best husband in the world, I can live with it. But, it still sucks.
Leaving the toilet seat up. And I hate their effing counter argument, “Well, you need to pee with the seat down, we need to pee with it up…” I DON’T WANT TO TOUCH A PISS AND SHIT-STAINED TOILET LID WITH MY FINGERS EVERY TIME I NEED TO PEE.
I never leave the toilet seat up. What I’d like to know is why do women leave the toilet cover up especially when they forget to flush.
YES #2. I don’t understand. Ewwwwww.
FAAAAAAAAULOUS post, Brit!
I laughed my ass off.
However, I’ve gotta say (and being a man), I don’t do any of these things.
I wonder if gay men are different?
HA!
Your answer was just what I nedeed. It’s made my day!
Love the post. It’s the antithesis(almost) of my last blog.
http://wp.me/ppGEE-5h
Cheers!
OK, just for the record, I have a little bit of yesterday’s black sock in my big toe, so I just removed it. There, now are you happy! LOL.
Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty. Guess what? I ain’t married . . . wait . . . okay, now I get it. No wonder she bailed.
They wait for applause and some kind of medal, any time they perform a task normally done (every day) by you. Then they go on to tell you how easy it was and how they can’t understand why YOU don’t do it properly.
After which, they don’t do it again for at least another year.
Gee, I expected a tougher list than this! This is a piece of cake. German Chocolate that is.
I go 5 for 5 on these most days and it just makes Denny all the more irresistible.
Sorry mortal men of this world. Just the way it is.
Laughing out Loud! Another hilarious post on generalizing men. It’s funny, because it’s true! Generalizing that is… http://wp.me/p10dKo-4x
I suppose this one is far more common with men, but I have experienced it with both sexes. Asking you to repeat yourself when they heard what you said initially. Like they want you to ask it again while their brain processes the information you gave them in the first place. Then in the middle of painfully repeating the same information/request/suggestions they interupt you with their answer. Also purposely stating they cannot complete certain tasks as they “don’t know how” to fold the towels. And ” If I do it wrong you will get mad at me!” or “When I fold them they don’t fit!”. Another would be men who only have female friends. Females are difficult enough to aviod with out your boyfriend being surrounded by them. “Carrie says she thinks you need to talk to me more about being me.” Carrie says she thinks I would make an excellent professional rugby player.” “Carrie thinks you are trying to control what I eat and by doing so are giving me an eating disorder.” That’s when you reply “Carrie is a stupid old bitch who hears you cry about you loosing your non-exsistent sense of identy, pretends to enjoy your old glory days on the rugby pitch, and feels bad for you that we have a grocery budget because when I met you, you were £10,000 in debt. Carrie, like the lot of them, can get stuffed. But then again everything anyone does just seems stupid.
I’m pretty sure my date once shaved his pubes and left them all over my bathroom floor. Yeah, that’s right, I said “date” NOT “boyfriend.” I attract some real gems.
Love your blog. I found it on Denny DelVecchio’s.