What Women Really Want

Come on in.  Pop open a cold one (non-alcoholic, of course, cus I need you to keep it classy and focus on what I’m saying).  Grab all your friends and sit Indian style on the mat.  Please don’t be concerned if you can’t sit Indian style, the more important problem is, why don’t you have any friends?   Men, I especially want you to listen up.  Hurricane honesty is about to blow you away.   Sorry Mary, there’s no spoonful of sugar with this Robitussin.  Just the cold,  green, mystery flavor your mother used to shovel down your throat.  So let’s recap what we already know:

1. We want you to be nice. But not too nice, Nicey McCallaghan.

2. We want you to pay attention to us. But watch it, Smothery McFerguson.

3. We want you to give us our way. But only half the time, Doormat McPushoverPants.

Alright, so now that I’ve given you a month to digest that very scientific and logical information, we can move on to Part II:

christina-aguilera-and-husband4.  We want you to be funny. But not a comedian with a complex that has to make a joke out of everything or he has no self-worth because he used to get beaten up at the bus stop or something.  Got that?  If you can’t make us bust a gut, then it’s OVER, Snoresville McGee.  You know how you always get perplexed when you see a fine lookin lady with an awkward geek who is unfortunate looking?  Well that’s cus she just dumped her rich, gorgeous underwear model for the guy who works the late shift at Taco Bell because he cracked a joke when he handed over her Chalupa.   Yea.  I never said these were smart decisions.  But they are what we choose, nonetheless.

5. We want you to be manly. But over the years it seems that you’ve taken this to mean stubbly and un-showered with a beer belly?  No, no.  Just because you shower, shave regularly, and don’t wear brown shoes with black pants it doesn’t mean that you’re not a man.  P.S.  it won’t KILL you to do a face mask or a pore strip once in a while.  You’ll still be allowed to shoot people on Call of Duty.

6. We want you to be romantic. The problem is, you’ve taken this idea of “romance” and twisted it into a pretzel of ungodliness.  It’s downright scary, what you’ve done.  I think the underlying roses-with-babies-breathproblem is somewhere along the line there was a glitch in the matrix and you guys got terribly confused by the term: romantic.

I’ll tell you what it doesn’t mean: red roses with baby’s breath (and perhaps a fern), heart-shaped pendant necklaces (actually, heart-shaped anything), stuffed animals with mushy sayings, “gamble chocolates” with mystery fillings, or an attempt at writing us poetry.  [[Sigh]]   So really, the bottom line here is creativity.  So maybe we should rephrase this to say – we want you to be creative.

Can I get a witness ladies?

Remember it.  Write it down.  Fold it up.  Tuck it in your jockstrap.  And have a more successful life.

You’re welcome.


63 thoughts on “What Women Really Want

  1. All true.

    I do not like red roses. Some guys may consider that unappreciative. Oh well. But all it says to me is you went to whatever flowers.com popped up first on google, clicked on the first red rose arrangement that popped up and hit send.

    Red roses = lame

  2. Once you factor in appearance and intelligence, you’ve narrowed yourself down to 0.0001% of the male population. Good luck finding it.

    And if girls all “want” these things, then why do they usually settle for the self centered douchebag with no personality, who also happens to be the only one laughing at his jokes?

    • brandon. Well, I didn’t say this is what we always get. it’s what we want. Much like men who want a woman who will never age or gain a pound and will always make them feel like they are the smartest person alive. It’s not realistic.

      there are alot of diamonds in the rough out there. the problem is girls get hooked up on ONE of these issues (lets say humor) and throws everything else out the window (such as, oh, he’s been divorced 5 times). Girls fall too fast and they let their emotions get in the way so 99% of the time, they end up with douchbags.

      appearance isn’t as important as personality to girls. so you don’t have to have both down to a perfect science.

  3. Further proof you women are completely insane. You can’t “Fix” a guy, and yet many girls get hung up on one positive and think they can “fix” everything else like he’s some project. (All of you girls are nodding your head right now because I’m sure you’ve all done it.)

    And I don’t want a woman that will always make me feel like the smartest person alive, I already have that feeling each and every day. Although, the not age or gain a pound (In fact, they could probably lose a couple, especially in our area) thing would be great.

    • whitty – we ARE insane. but so are you guys. i’ve already said that the “fixing” is a stage that every woman goes through. most of us outgrow that – but some unfortunately, do not.

      well, brandon, of course, you are ALWAYS the exception to the rule

  4. Gee Brandon, you become more and more appealing each time you comment. (Atleast to these “crazy girls” you refer to.

    I hate red roses. I feel like men just go to whatever flowers.com pops up on google, clicks on the first arrangement and DONE.

    Red roses = lame.

  5. Then you’re doing it wrong.

    This whole “having my own url” garbage is annoying too, it’s just as bad as having to go comment over on the blogspot blogs. Thanks for not thinking of my laziness when you did this, Brit. 🙁

    • as long as you are logged into your wordpress whitty, it should have the info pre-filled for you when you get to my blog. it does that for me when i go to yours??

      nothing is worse than a blogspot blog. UGH

  6. And you still comment on mine? Gee thanks Brandon you know how to make a girl feel special! 🙂

    Red roses suck – it’s like they google flowers, click the first link and order the first arrangement. Thanks alot.

    • jules. i will alawys comment on your blog, but it is annoying typing in all that info. but you’re worth it!

      seriously. and the roses wouldn’t be THAT bad. if they were just a different color. and no baby’s breath

  7. Isn’t it interesting that typically you see these lists about “what women want” from women who are SINGLE. Maybe you should all go on VH1’s Tough Love.

  8. It didn’t pull it up automatically, I had to fill it out the first time (hence why my name appears as Brandon and not whittydiatribes). Oh well.

    Two things though:
    1) Of course I’m the exception.
    2) Julie – I should get more and more appealing as I comment (if that’s even possible), but it’s even more amazing that you were labeled as spam.

    • brandon – but does it pull it up automatically now?

      well you’re supposed to put whitty diatribes in the name section.. not brandon.

      it is pretty funny that my blog thinks jules is spam.

  9. One time I did the dishes because I wanted to get laid. Seeing me at the sink, my wife came up to me and said “Are you getting to get laid or something”. Later I got laid.

    But good info for your other male readers.

  10. You either have something against the Irish, or are extremely obsessed with Grey’s. Speaking of Grey’s, the last two episodes have been sad. And speaking of sad, I’m in law class on a Saturday morning.

    • dale. ahem! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN. you’ve been MIA since my new site and i have not liked it. it HAS been sad, but since everyone knows izzy is leaving the show its kind a lame cuz we all know she’ll die. ugh

  11. Hi. Found you purely by accident. However, you seem like good people. Me, I just want my Y-chromosomal unit to be funny, good-looking, sweet, and responsible. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire? All joking aside, we really do like the funny, romantic ones, but it’s nice just to be considered and appreciated (a.k.a. doing the dishes, taking out the trash, ahem, with no agenda and without being asked, even multiple times)with no ulterior motives.

  12. I ran into a lady that lets me be silly 24/7, skip a shower when necessary, and hit a soprano note when I see a spider.

    I married that chick while the gettin’ was good. 🙂

    Great list!

  13. You forgot one….CRYING. Yeah we said it’s okay to cry. Yeah yeah yeah….real men cry…..fine. But let’s try to get some control of it. Ever since women went public with wanting their men to show their soft side, explaining to them that it was okay to cry…..men have somehow twisted that and turned it into go ahead and cry, whine, whimper and pout at slightest provocation…..we’ll be your rock

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  18. The issue of women being stupid and loving poor, uneducated, ugly, abusive jerks is an AMERICAN problem. European women LKE to be wooed, courted, romanced, flirted with. Only AMERICAN women are MENTALLY RETARDED APES who actually PREFER stupid abusive losers. That is why I will NEVER date an American women .

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  20. I hate to be rude (actually, I kinda like being rude) but who the fuck cares what women want? It’s not like following your advice will get me laid. Come to think of it, I get more sex when I’m *not* dating anyone.

    Thanks for the advice though. It passed the time while my bagel was toasting.

  21. What women want?what men want?who gives a shit except shitty magazines,be yourself and if that is not what the person wants, move on.

  22. @ Mike:
    HALLELUYA MIKE! You have just unveiled a universal truth. Dude, women allways talk about what THEY want, have you ever seen a girl ask her BF “ok hunn, what do you want to do after soooo much work?”
    nahhh… then its more like “you don`t care about me” him: “i just want to relax… ok?” her:”you allways relax, you never have time for me… bla bla bla”
    yea that “bla bla bla” its actually what makes us men go trough with you women, just ignore you.

  23. hi. i want women to strut around in sexy clothes all day and keep their things accessible ha ha ha , give me money to go shopping …..

  24. you guys act like ALL women talk until they can’t breath or never think aobut their man. There are the few out there who give a shit, maybe you are too much of an asshole to notice

  25. @ Snotty McLamo:

    Dude, you said it perfectly.

    Guys, just manipulate them instead. Don’t make yourself into a prepared meal waiting for their acceptance/approval – this doesn’t make you a nice person, being nice to women. In the end of the day, that’s not what they respond to.

    They should depend on your acceptance/approval.

  26. Interesting blog. It kept me laughing, although I wouldn’t take this too seriously if I were a guy, but hey it wouldn’t hurt. 😉

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